Can a relationship with a PD partner ever work?

[Sh1vers]

I feel silly writing this, but I am actually not sure where else to write this. Please move this to a more suitable forum if I picked the wrong one.
I'm with my boyfriend a bit more than a year, and I am having doubts, but I also think that I am the one who is unfair here :(

I recently found out that my partner has a personality disorder, and it is freaking me out. At the same time I know that I am being super judgmental and I don't want to be this person. I started googling things and everything sounds doomed, and I am just so sad about it.

Some years ago I left a very toxic and abusive relationship, and I swore never to let this happen to me again. Yet here I am, wondering about my every choice and whether to trust my judgement.

I really hope reading this won't upset anyone who suffers from a personality disorder, because it's not my intention to judge. I'm just not in a very good place myself (depression and anxiety), and I think I am wondering if this is a combination that can ever work, even though I really want it to.

You day when his mask slipped it scared you. A partner should never make you feel afraid op. It should be game over the second this happens

Yes, this. As soon as someone scares you, you leave. That's basic self protection. Same for friends, colleagues, family members, everybody, you just get away. That's what 'scared' is: it's your body giving you the cue to get away. Feeling fear towards somebody (even if it's just once - you know the potential is there) and then continuing to have the closest relationship in your life with them is madness. You are literally courting fear.

I think one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is to think that someone who can treat others poorly (in this case at work) won’t treat you poorly.

It’s a very very foolish belief.

@MissTrip82

I think one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make is to think that someone who can treat others poorly (in this case at work) won’t treat you poorly.

It’s a very very foolish belief.

Absolutely this op. It's only a matter of time. You've already seen an example of it happening too.

Also, why would you want to date someone who is not a nice human being? Sure pretty much the only prerequisite for a partner is that they are a kind person who treats others with respect? I mean without that, they aren't even worthy of being an acquaintance, let alone a partner.

@Sh1vers please try to stop finding fault with yourself here. Stop second guessing yourself and wondering if you are just being prejudiced or something.

You know he has an actual diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder and what it takes to be diagnosed as such.
You know that he behaves dreadfully at work and treats his coworkers in unacceptable ways.
You have experienced him behaving in horrible and scary ways towards you.

It’s not you. It is him. Stop trying to convince yourself that you are overreacting and just acting out of prejudice about ASPD. You really aren’t.

You are seeing the evidence of the disorder in his behaviour. It’s not nice.

I think the key thing is not to recognise that 'It's not you', it's to recognise that it is you. It's you feeling scared. It's you feeling unsettled. And who makes the rules about whether that's an under or over reaction?

If someone tells you you're too sensitive, what they mean is 'You're too sensitive for my preference' They can't possibly know if you are being too sensitive, because... well, why do they think they know better than you about what the 'right' level of sensitive is? You have to respect your own feelings, and the people you choose to spend your time with need to respect your feelings too.

So yes, it is you, but it's not 'just' you. It's not dismissable, simply because it's your feeling. It's you, so stand proud: 'This is how I feel about this. This is me. This is how I respond to this behaviour. If you don't respect me, I will stay away from you.'

There is no right or wrong with feelings. So 'it's not you' is dismissive... it is absolutely you, and needs to be respected as part of you.

My life changed completely when I stopped asking the question 'Is it just me, or is this weird behaviour?' and started stating, instead, 'My opinion is that this is weird behaviour.'

Get away from this man as fast as you can. You have seen his true self and it terrified you. Why hang around to see it again?

I wouldn't want to say that someone with a PD can't be in a relationship. But I do think there are a lot of people who absolutely should NEVER be in a relationship with someone who has a PD. And I would firmly put you in that group. You will get utterly ruined by this.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I don’t think somebody with multiple mental health problems and somebody with a personality disorder - unless you both really have your shit together, are emotionally literate, have done a lot of therapy and have effective coping strategies for the bad times - are going to be good partners for each other. You both have needs that it’s unfair to expect the other to meet when they also have their own health to consider. The fact that you’re having doubts and asking whether your relationship is doomed suggests that there are already multiple issues you’ve come up against and that neither of you are totally in the “got shit together, background of effective therapy, good coping mechanisms” category. This won’t be a good partnership for either of you.

The OP doesn't have multiple mental health problems, does she?

Nobody is entitled to a relationship. Whether totally healthy, physically or mentally in poor health, whatever diagnosis or awful traumatic background - nobody has a right to have a partner just because they want one.

I think you feel obligated to stay with this man because he has a disorder, not because the relationship makes you happy. And I think that's because your mum showed you that when a man is aggressive, you just go quiet and stay with him.

There are men out there with empathy, I promise you that. But you may need to "train" yourself to stop feeling attraction to aggressive bullies, because we tend to pattern our attraction on our parents, and your dad sounds like one. Therapy will help with this.

@TheFoundation

I think the key thing is not to recognise that 'It's not you', it's to recognise that it is you. It's you feeling scared. It's you feeling unsettled. And who makes the rules about whether that's an under or over reaction?

If someone tells you you're too sensitive, what they mean is 'You're too sensitive for my preference' They can't possibly know if you are being too sensitive, because... well, why do they think they know better than you about what the 'right' level of sensitive is? You have to respect your own feelings, and the people you choose to spend your time with need to respect your feelings too.

So yes, it is you, but it's not 'just' you. It's not dismissable, simply because it's your feeling. It's you, so stand proud: 'This is how I feel about this. This is me. This is how I respond to this behaviour. If you don't respect me, I will stay away from you.'

There is no right or wrong with feelings. So 'it's not you' is dismissive... it is absolutely you, and needs to be respected as part of you.

My life changed completely when I stopped asking the question 'Is it just me, or is this weird behaviour?' and started stating, instead, 'My opinion is that this is weird behaviour.'

This is true.

I think though it’s possible to say ‘it’s not me that’s the problem here’.

You aren’t the problem if you feel scared or upset or whatever. You don’t need to convince yourself that you should feel differently.

You feel scared so you know it’s a situation you do not want to or should be in. You are upset because the behaviour or situation is upsetting for you. So you know it’s a situation to get away from.

I absolutely agree, @BurntToastAgain

It was a phrase that my counsellor picked apart with me, it's very nuanced, I just wanted to make sure we'd hit it from all angles.

Firstly, you need more therapy. Probably lots more. To unpick the impact of your childhood on your life now. Perhaps the 'Stately Homes' thread and the 'Toxic Parents' book would be helpful to you.

I don't think you'll be able to make decision about this relationship, or trust your own judgement about future relationships, until you do more work in therapy.

Secondly, do you want to have children? (You haven't mentioned any so I assume you don't have them atm?) Do you think this man would make a good father and co-parent? The answers to those questions might make the decision more obvious to you.

I mean, to me it's obvious you should end it, but I think you need to reach that conclusion yourself and not just because a stranger tells you.

I just don't think you and he are in the right place to date each other.
You sound vulnerable right now, I'm not saying he is undateable - but I don't think you should be the one he's in a relationship with.

Sometimes being alone / lonely is the better option.
It also gives you the time and energy to look after yourself and prioritise your health.

Then you can find a relationship.

Just knowing he has the diagnosis is enough to run far far away.

Run, as fast as you can.

Thank you all. I have decided to look for a councillor later. I don’t really know what to think atm even if this sounds silly.
I am confused why he told me about it in the first place, surely it’d be much easier if I hadn’t known because now I am questioning everything.
I don’t think I deliberately picked out a “project”. He is stable and independent, so I never thought there’d be a “real” problem underneath the surface. Maybe I just missed it all though.
I’ll look for a councillor and I think I also have to talk to my boyfriend, because after thinking about this I have a lot of questions now.
I agree that my parents’ relationship probably did have an impact on me, but there is much more that shaped me in my youth. I am angry that I need to re-open wounds now, because I have been there and thought I had dealt with things, and I know how much this will hurt again now.
Thank you all.

Is your plan to stay with him?

@Sh1vers "He wasn’t abusive/ threatening, and also didn’t shout, but he was seething, quiet and just pretty cruel. I was just so confused and didn’t understand what was actually going on, and he kept going on about me being deceitful and playing games. I seriously had done no such thing. I was actually quite scared that day but I can’t say why because he didn’t swear or threaten me, he was just so angry."

Please leave him. Been there, done that & it just gets so much worse with time. Listen to the voice of doubt in your head telling you to get away now. Don't try to understand him - please move on before it's too late and gets more complicated - house, kids etc. An abuser has good days but they're still an abuser. He has shown you his true colours - please please believe him and run. Please don't be fooled when he tries to get you back by being all nice/normal again when you tell him you're done. Dump, block, move on. xx

Have you ever done the Freedom Programme, OP? I think you'd find it helpful.

I wonder if you avoid difficult or painful things. I find it strange that you'd prefer he hadn't told you about his personality disorder. I think it's good that he's told you.

Op, you've been with this man for such a short time. It's not up to you to fix him. This is supposed to be your honeymoon period! You're meant to be blissfully happy!

Instead, he has already terrified you and you have seen a nasty, bullying side to him - why stay? He's not going to change.

Listen to your body: you're feeling upset, scared, weepy. That's not how a good relationship makes you feel.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I hadn’t heard of the freedom programme. I’m not sure if I’d qualify because I don’t think he is being abusive but most people here seem to think he is. I don’t know what I am not seeing here.
I know I am being unreasonable about being angry that he told me. That’s just because I was happy and I thought things were going really well but now I am not sure what this all means. I know this sounds silly but I think I need some help getting order in my head which is so full of ideas and opinions now.
Of course I don’t want to lose him, he’s been the most important person in my life for over a year and he has helped me with so many things too. But now I have to wonder how much of it was true and what might have been pretence. That’s the bit that I struggle with.
I’m sorry if people think I am stupid.

If you are not happy then leave - especially if he's being nasty to you - you are not obligated to stay in a relationship with someone, what I will say though is the second someone mentions a personality disorder they are seen differently, they are treated like they are pure evil and can't possibly be good people.

I have a personality disorder, that label has made it extremely difficult to be believed when trying to ask for any kind of help and has become a stick to beat me with if I get upset over anything at all it's because of my mental health not because I am person in my own right who has her own thoughts and feelings. I do believe that a relationship with someone with a PD can work, I do think it is extremely hard work and takes alot of effort on both sides and if both sides are not willing to put that effort in then that's when it starts to fail.

He shouldn't be treating you this way OP. I see similarities between me 10 years ago and this post.
"There was just one incident a few months after we got together where he suddenly completely changed personality and got absolutely cold and aggressive"
I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to end things. This is the start and believe me please it gets worse.
"I actually left that day and was really shaken for days" Just go, thank him for the lovely year and find someone who doesn't EVER make you feel the way you did after he was like that. I had a similar experience and was ready to leave but he talked me round and it didn't happen again..until he was confident I was more invested and wouldn't leave.

Regardless of him having personality disorder, the fact that he is really minipulative and a bully at work, and that he's previously scared you, are big warning signs to me. Decent people aren't manipulative bullies to anyone.

I definitely don't think you are stupid. It is totally understandable to need to talk and think these things through, especially when you have suspicions that he might have been lying to you!