Can a relationship with a PD partner ever work?

[Sh1vers]

I feel silly writing this, but I am actually not sure where else to write this. Please move this to a more suitable forum if I picked the wrong one.
I'm with my boyfriend a bit more than a year, and I am having doubts, but I also think that I am the one who is unfair here :(

I recently found out that my partner has a personality disorder, and it is freaking me out. At the same time I know that I am being super judgmental and I don't want to be this person. I started googling things and everything sounds doomed, and I am just so sad about it.

Some years ago I left a very toxic and abusive relationship, and I swore never to let this happen to me again. Yet here I am, wondering about my every choice and whether to trust my judgement.

I really hope reading this won't upset anyone who suffers from a personality disorder, because it's not my intention to judge. I'm just not in a very good place myself (depression and anxiety), and I think I am wondering if this is a combination that can ever work, even though I really want it to.

I haven’t heard of the book, but it sounds good and is available on kindle. Thank you for the recommendation.

Regarding children. We both don’t want children, and had discussed this very early on.
Yes I feel the selfishness could be something that I have not properly experienced yet. I have seen the good sides but nothing consistent yet I think.
The reason i sometimes doubt myself is this. I have a tendency to panic sometimes, for example if I have to do an exam or a lot of tasks that are due. I then work myself up so much that I really panic, which I know is stupid. In moments like this it helps me to share with friends. I feel I can’t do this in this case (yet), but I definitely feel better than when I started this thread.
Thank you all so much for listening to my incoherent rambling, it helped me sort a few things in my head and I am very glad to have made the appointment for next week.

The reason i sometimes doubt myself is this. I have a tendency to panic sometimes

It's the other way round: the reason you panic is because you have a tendency to doubt yourself. If you trust yourself to know best, if you put faith in that, you won't panic. You'll be able to hold your shit together.

For example, with an exam, you would say 'I've studied as best I can, so let it be what it'll be.' rather than 'Shitshitshit, what if I should have studied more, what if I screwed up, what if I didn't do as much as I should, oh shit...'

See what I mean? Doubting yourself = panic.

@TheFoundation

For example, with an exam, you would say 'I've studied as best I can, so let it be what it'll be.' rather than 'Shitshitshit, what if I should have studied more, what if I screwed up, what if I didn't do as much as I should, oh shit...'

See what I mean? Doubting yourself = panic.

Thanks. This was really eye opening. Is there a site or book that talks more about this?

@RantyAunty

It's self validation. OP is in a self invalidation downward spiral:

I then work myself up so much that I really panic, which I know is stupid

She panics because she has invalidated herself, and then calls herself stupid for panicking, which is further self invalidation. The next step is calling herself an idiot for feeling stupid about panicking, and then feeling that there must be something wrong with her because she called herself an idiot for feeling stupid about panicking... it can go down and down and down.

It ends with the simple line 'There's nothing wrong with me.' It ends with the feeling that whatever you feel is ok, there's nothing weird or strange or weak or pathetic or 'extra' or over-sensitive or stupid about it. Everything you feel is understandable and acceptable. Even if you feel like you want to murder someone. That's acceptable and understandable. It's not ok to do it, but the feeling is absolutely ok.

There's lots of stuff online about self (in)validation. Here's one:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/pieces-mind/201407/self-validation#:~:text=Self%2Dvalidation%20is%20accepting%20your,what%20you%20know%20is%20true.

Sorry @Sh1vers for talking about you in the 3rd person... I was sort of referring about myself as well, I used to do the same thing!

@TheFoundation
No offence taken, this is me to a T!

Something I was told which hit me like a brick, and changed my life, was: The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.

I picked a confident person to imagine the responses of. You can use someone you know, or someone off the telly, or someone from your childhood... but say you pick Confident Bob, Bob who takes no shit from nobody... whenever you go into the spiral, imagine what Confident Bob would do/say. It's quite eye opening. I'd find myself, in the face of a veiled insult, apologising for being me. Then Confident Bob would pipe up and say something like 'Hey, fuck you, buddy!!'

Have a try. It's quite fun, and I found it quite funny too. It all happens in your head, so nobody's feelings get hurt. Just picture situations where someone has said something that upset you, and think about what the most confident person you can think of would have done/said in the same situation. It stops the downward spiral!

@TheFoundation

I really appreciate the extra insight. Every so often there's a lightbulb moment. This is one of them.

The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.

Mind blown!

I'll start my own thread as I don't want to hijack OPs.

I haven't read the entire thread but imo there a few PD's that I would steer clear from. Namely, ASPD. The only reason I say this is because with ASPD, it differs in many ways. Is he currently in therapy for this condition? As I said, I haven't read the entire thread so maybe I should and then return with my opinion as it wouldn't be fair to do so without having all of the facts.

@lavender2022

I haven't read the entire thread but imo there a few PD's that I would steer clear from. Namely, ASPD. The only reason I say this is because with ASPD, it differs in many ways. Is he currently in therapy for this condition? As I said, I haven't read the entire thread so maybe I should and then return with my opinion as it wouldn't be fair to do so without having all of the facts.

He said that he is in therapy, but that’s obviously not something I can check I think. I’ll have a conversation with him later and I am quite nervous about it, but I know I have to do it..

[quote RantyAunty]@TheFoundation

I really appreciate the extra insight. Every so often there's a lightbulb moment. This is one of them.

The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.

Mind blown!

I'll start my own thread as I don't want to hijack OPs.[/quote]
I don’t mind at all, but it is very helpful advice and a dedicated thread would be easier to find for people who are looking for help, so good idea

Part of ASPD is pathological lying as well as manipulating by presenting a false self.
This can go on (the false self) for years.
All ASPD are narcissists, though not all narcissists are ASPD.

I don't think it's wise to put your cards on the table and share your fears with this man, you are potentially equipping him with the best way to exploit you.

Explore this with the therapist and lay low.

This is part of the problem with these types because you are always on shifting sand.
That will never change, because you just never know if they are sincere or even capable of it.

Be careful.
Reading your thread is making me think of little red riding hood, you are not aware of how vulnerable you are.
You are negotiating with a mask.

Top paragraph, to clarify, they can present the mask for years without slipping.
Although he has had a slip based on what you have said.

To be in this relationship you are essentially negotiating for him to keep the mask on.

@Moretodo
I’m sorry, I am not entirely sure what you mean by me putting cards on the table?
I was just going to ask him what happened in order to get him diagnosed and how it affects him. At least that was my plan. I didn’t want to say that I am scared or upset. Would it not be strange if I didn’t ask anything at all?

I think it is strange that you are asking anything at all, yes, in the light of his diagnosis.

Whatever you say with sincerity can be levareged against you later.

He will be reading you.
It's automatic/how he is wired.

I don't mean this in any way to put you down. It's hard to believe such people exist even when you have an encounter.

What difference does it make what happened to prompt him to get a diagnoses though? Professionals have taken the time to look into it and come to their conclusions. Are you gonna go 'oh but what you did doesn't sound that bad, maybe the professionals are wrong?'. Because hon, they are not wrong.

And if you start making it sound like you are questioning his diagnosis, then again, be knows he has you under the thumb.

Op you know he isn't ill.
Aspd is just the name for his personality type. Because professionals think there should be a less provocative term than 'evil as fuck'.

Try this op, I know it sounds hippy dippy but it's always worked for me. Dont think about it for a bit, turn your phone off and do something fun and then when you are feeling calm, find a quiet room and sit (maybe try some yoga or meditation or something if you do those, but basically make sure your head is clear). Then, in your head ask 'is he of the light or is he of the dark?'. The answer should come instantaniously.

It's much easier for newer ppl in your life though. Because then there isn't all the cloudiness and background noise of thoughts to cloud your gut instinct. But always worth a bash.

I wouldn’t date anyone with any kind of personality disorder, I don’t want to sound callous as it’s not their fault, but why would I want to date someone whose personality is so problematic that they have been diagnosed with an actual incurable disorder because of it? I don’t think these people can ever have a healthy relationship, because part of the diagnosis is that their personality causes them to have significant issues with how they interact with other people (and in most aspects of their life) and you can’t change someone’s personality, you can only train them to mask aspects of it and try to conform with societal expectations, so it’s not genuine.

From reading your posts, they strike me as you not wrapping your head around what he is.

You want to ask him and talk to him about things, tells me you're expecting to get honest answers.

It's not possible to get honest answers from a pathological liar.
He'll say whatever works for him and benefits him. He has the experience of deceiving, manipulating, and lying for years.

Are you looking for reassurance from him?

What is stopping your from ending it with him?

He’s been the most important person in my life this past year, and I just thought that I should at least speak to him before making a decision.
It wasn’t a nice conversation and I feel incredibly guilty. He said he’d give me space and would not contact me while I try to wrap my head around it. I’ll take my time but right now I feel like it’s over and that I destroyed it.
I’m staying with my sister and will try to have a break and not think about it, even though I feel incredibly sad and guilty.
Thank you all.

He said that he is in therapy, but that’s obviously not something I can check I think.
I’ll have a conversation with him later and I am quite nervous about it, but I know I have to do it..

Ok, fair enough. Please allow me to take back what I said about "certain types of personality disorder". That's not a fair judgement for me to make and I feel stupid and narrow-minded now reading that back. Just because somebody has ASPD doesn't mean they are Jeffrey Dahmer for Christ's sake. So I sincerely apologise.

I understand what you're saying about not actually being able to monitor whether or not he is attending, I guess you can only tell by watching his behaviours.

Again, please forgive as I have still not read the entire thread but, has he ever been abusive towards you ie violent or emotionally? Both are as bad as each other mind you.

@Sh1vers

He’s been the most important person in my life this past year, and I just thought that I should at least speak to him before making a decision. It wasn’t a nice conversation and I feel incredibly guilty. He said he’d give me space and would not contact me while I try to wrap my head around it. I’ll take my time but right now I feel like it’s over and that I destroyed it. I’m staying with my sister and will try to have a break and not think about it, even though I feel incredibly sad and guilty. Thank you all.

OP you’re setting your bar on the floor here. Who is in your life /was in your life that the most important person for the past year is the one that is cruel, aggressive, makes you nervous and is at a bare minimum very unkind. The diagnosis isn’t a get out of jail free card for him. How do you normally expect to be treated in your relationships? You might not consciously want to rescue him but what is it about you that makes you cling and want to appease and soothe the guy that is cruel to you ?

Previous poster is right, if he has ASPD he is also a narcissist. That means he will view your empathy as a commodity to be exploited. Not very romantic is it?

OP someone mentioned Ted Bundy before. The thing with him is that he wasn’t just someone who murdered lots of women. He was also a well liked colleague, he had a long term girlfriend (someone also quite vulnerable, she was divorced very young and has a daughter). People thought highly of him. But that was a mask. And when it slipped he was (to quote someone above) ‘evil as fuck’.

Not saying that your partner is going to be a serial killer. But to have an official diagnosis like that, he has been assessed as being officially broken in the normal morals/human empathy department. He can’t help it. The fact that he’s been so kind and supportive of you means nothing - it’s play acting being a good person. It’s sad for him - he didn’t ask to be fundamentally broken in this way - but it is not for you to try and save him. You have to look out for yourself.

That intrinsic human empathy that you are clearly showing here - he doesn’t have it. You can’t work on it together. The counselling people are recommending is to help you learn to see your self-worth, to have the strength to not get sucked in to this kind of relationship and to walk away when it reveals itself.

Ted Bundy didn’t harm his girlfriend or her daughter but he totally fucked them up.