How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

[JLBear12]

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

@Orgasmagorical my exs own family think he needs therapy, he will never go, apart from feeling.empty he thinks hes fine. I developed a chemical addiction to mine because of the push and pull, I think I would have got out years ago if it wasnt for that xx

JLBear, it's not like a normal relationship, they fuck with your head so much

Mine appears like a normal, full of fun, likeable guy to outsiders so there aren't many who realise how fucked up he is. And dangerous.

@Orgasmagorical worse part for me is I didnt even realise what was going on until he spat me out at the end xx

It was when I told people he told lots of lies, sulked a lot, gave me silent treatments, ghosted sometimes, never apologised, always wanted things his way and could be very sarcastic etc towards me was when I was told, it was narcissism.

So many posts resonate with me. I also never had any time to myself. Him working was always harder than me being at home with the kids and working part-time. Then when we swapped and I worked full-time it didn't count because my job wasn't as hard as his. This was utter bullshit because although in different fields we had very similar jobs in terms of tasks, responsibilities and pay. Apparently my job was so easy he chose that year to massively update the hours (and hours) he devoted to his hobby because of course I wanted nothing more on evenings and weekends than to spend quality time with my children and don't all of the donkey work on my own. Then of course when he got promoted to a very important job his job was more important than mine.

The entire marriage all I heard was how stressed he was, how important his feelings were and how I had to support his mental health.

I also didn't realise I was in a controlling relationship until after the discard. It's like the frog in the boiling water and just sneaks up on you I suppose. Ex narc would also never agree with any of my preferences or opinions and try and talk me out of things I wanted. Of course he was allowed to choose, plan, or buy whatever he wanted.

My days were such a mish mash of things. Smiles and supportive words, nice lunches, but also criticisms and gaslighting, lies and lots of neediness and sulks. That's what makes it so confusing and hard to tell which bits were genuine.

Two weeks before I got discarded was my birthday. Ex narc made me a beautiful cake from scratch. Of course he posted it on social media as he was an attention whore. It looked impressive and got lots of likes. However, there was no mention in his post that the cake made for my birthday. No birthday wishes or even tagging me in it. I was confused at the time but commented on his post that it was yummy.

So many instances of just being made to feel invisible and unimportant.

From Quora website:

"Why did it take so long to identify my husband was a narcissist?

How can you identify something that you had no idea could be possible?

I thought I knew how the world worked. I thought everyone saw the world similarly to the way I saw it. Why would I think any different? I’m human. You’re human. He’s human. Why would we be having completely different experiences of life when we all seem to communicate on the same levels? What does it take to realize that someone you have loved and spent so much time with does not see the world in the same way you do? What does it take to realize than when he says the same thing you say, that his meaning is completely different from yours? What does it take to realize that you thought you were communicating clearly with someone that was actually speaking an entirely different language?

Narcissism is a mindf$&@. It is not something you should be expected to see right away. It takes an enormous amount of harsh reality to break through the assumptions that you are emotionally invested in; assumptions that were more than reasonable for you to make based on your understanding of the world. It’s a whole new world you never knew existed."

Does anyone get the feeling that half of these people dont know they have or are close to having npd x

No idea what my ex thinks inside his brain, but to me he projects and deflects. So now he will write messages criticising something I have said or done and saying things like, "and you say I'm controlling/abusive/whatever"

I left him due to the abuse, taking our daughter. He has decided that he's the victim of a horrible wife who left her family due to her own mental problems.

[quote JLBear12]@Orgasmagorical worse part for me is I didnt even realise what was going on until he spat me out at the end xx[/quote]
They keep your head so filled with confusion you don't have the space to see what's going on. You can often realise you don't feel right for some reason but can't put your finger on why. Until they're gone, then it all becomes clear, sometimes with help from those who understand.

WhereverYouGo my birthdays were horrendous for me. Like you, to the outside world he appeared a generous and thoughtful man, but in reality they were some of the worst days in my life. I remember one of them we were in a gift shop and I was having to choose my present, all very showy for the shop owner. I looked at her, pleading for help with my eyes because of what he was doing to me emotionally (I don't know to this day what he was doing but I felt like I wanted to die). I was so glad to get rid of that present (and all the other crap he said I was never grateful for) when I was eventually able to start living my life.

Like I said to someone the other day, a narc or a common garden emotionally immature man, both are toxic in an adult relationship xx

There was a great quote on Twitter - narcissists' accusations are admissions. So very true. I can't remember who said it.

@Orgasmagorical
^^They keep your head so filled with confusion you don't have the space to see what's going on. You can often realise you don't feel right for some reason but can't put your finger on why. Until they're gone, then it all becomes clear, sometimes with help from those who understand

Yes! It's the confusion. How they are acting and what they say doesn't fit with the person you fell in love with- the kind of person they are still protecting themselves to be when they are far, far from that. I thought I had married a genuine, kind, caring person who was down to earth. Ended up with a selfish, controlling, deluded, attention seeker.

I keep reminding myself that it's not ex narc that I miss. I miss the H I thought I had. It's not the relationship I miss. It's the one I thought I had. It's all such a mindfuck.

Sorry, italics fail.

It's his loss. He just missed out on the greatest opportunity of his life. You, on the other hand, have had a lucky escape.

Revel in your freedom, in people treating you well, in not having to put up with his invention or arrogance any more. Good riddance!!

You can give all your attention to your daughter now.

[quote WhereverYouGoThereYouAre]@Orgasmagorical
^^They keep your head so filled with confusion you don't have the space to see what's going on. You can often realise you don't feel right for some reason but can't put your finger on why. Until they're gone, then it all becomes clear, sometimes with help from those who understand

Yes! It's the confusion. How they are acting and what they say doesn't fit with the person you fell in love with- the kind of person they are still protecting themselves to be when they are far, far from that. I thought I had married a genuine, kind, caring person who was down to earth. Ended up with a selfish, controlling, deluded, attention seeker.

I keep reminding myself that it's not ex narc that I miss. I miss the H I thought I had. It's not the relationship I miss. It's the one I thought I had. It's all such a mindfuck.[/quote]
Sounds exactly like my ExH.

I used to text him daily to tell him I loved him. I was always first to do it. Sometimes I'd get a reply, sometimes not. But if I ever didn't send the text, he would come home and say 'where was my love you text today?' He never actually ever thought I'd like to receive one first.

I mean every now and then he would send it first but the majority of the time it was me.

He would always ring me on a morning around 8.20 when he knew full well I had 3 dcs to get to 3 different schools. I have no idea if he just didn't think that was the wrong time to call me or if it was just to wind me up as he knew I was busy. It was never anything urgent.

Another one - he always used to tell people (which I absolutely believe, he was showing off) that he had an amazing wife and family at home. He used to tell people how lucky he was. But then he would come home, fall asleep on the sofa with the football on and barely speak to any of us. Sometimes I'd turn the tv over but he would wake up and tell me he was watching the football. I'd turn it back and he would fall back asleep.

He would always ask me to rub his feet, but if I asked for him to do mine then he would say no. He had been at work all day.

So many example of making me feel so small and unimportant

I've said it before on similar threads but it really does sound like we were all with the same man. Yet they think they're so unique and special

I have no idea if he just didn't think that was the wrong time to call me or if it was just to wind me up as he knew I was busy. It was never anything urgent.

I would bet a lot of money on it being intentional. He'd be very believable if you called him up on it (pardon the pun ) and no doubt be very hurt that you could doubt him.

Then somewhere down the line, when you were least expecting it, probably having forgotten the conversation in amongst all the other headfucks you were dealing with on a daily basis, you'd be punished for that.

@hurtingmama
I only learnt the true meaning of 'double standards' after the discard.

They deserve their feet rubbed, I love yous- doesn't work the other way.

Their job is hard and they deserve extra time to themselves, you do not.

I struggled with the kids because I was frequently on my own and due to difficult behaviour (and realise now that one child is copying many of ex narcs attitude and behaviour towards me). Every time I vented I was told not to be negative and moody and gaslit that their behaviour wasn't that bad and perhaps I couldn't cope because something from my own shitty childhood was being triggered.

However, I was constantly late for work because ex narc couldn't cope with them and asked me not to leave him on his own with them. I was summoned home early from work every time he was home on his own including the year when he insisted he have a year working part-time so he could spend more time with the kids.

I got told to give him more affection and compliments. None ever came my way, though.

I never quite managed to discard my narc. It's my mother. I have learnt so much from MNet. I was never able to be the beautiful, bubbly party girl she wanted. Subversively controlling to get her own way. Everyone thought she was perfect because of the picture painted. She's fallen out with a lot of people over the years. I always go back because she's my mother. I never fully understood until my first baby was in my arms and I looked at him with so much love my heart nearly burst and knew I could never say anything to purposefully dig at or hurt him. I cried for hours knowing I had never been so loved. It was the first drop of the penny. I was nearly 35.

My epitaph will say "she tried to please her mother, she never could".

[quote WhereverYouGoThereYouAre]@hurtingmama
I only learnt the true meaning of 'double standards' after the discard.

They deserve their feet rubbed, I love yous- doesn't work the other way.

Their job is hard and they deserve extra time to themselves, you do not.

I struggled with the kids because I was frequently on my own and due to difficult behaviour (and realise now that one child is copying many of ex narcs attitude and behaviour towards me). Every time I vented I was told not to be negative and moody and gaslit that their behaviour wasn't that bad and perhaps I couldn't cope because something from my own shitty childhood was being triggered.

However, I was constantly late for work because ex narc couldn't cope with them and asked me not to leave him on his own with them. I was summoned home early from work every time he was home on his own including the year when he insisted he have a year working part-time so he could spend more time with the kids.

I got told to give him more affection and compliments. None ever came my way, though.[/quote]
There's many double standards. He could go out, if I wanted to...it was what about dc? I was breastfeeding the youngest one which absolutely can make things more difficult but he would never just say 'don't worry, I'll handle it' I never went.

Just before we split, he had arranged an over night stay with a friend. They organised it right in front of me and that was that. A few weeks before, my dad wanted to take myself and eldest DS away for a night. I brought it up with ExH and he just said 'what another youngest dc?' I said he it was a trio only for myself and eldest DS. He said 'well you can't really go then can you?' Eldest DS went on the trip and I stayed at home.

I was so unhappy at that point, I'm sure it was obvious but he couldn't see that just a night away would of done me the world of good.

Saying all this, I wouldn't of felt comfortable leaving youngest DS with him for a night anyway.

He used to spend so much money on new TVs, speakers. All sorts. But when I told him I wanted youngest dc to start swimming lessons he said 'that's a ridiculous amount of money, I thought we were saving?'

Eurgh...I hope this gets better soon. I'm driving myself mad thinking of all these examples

One thing that's different in my story is I left. I see a lot of you ladies saying how you were devalued and they left you. Which is disgusting btw - I'm so sorry.

But my question - is it typical when you leave a narc that they will try every trick in the book to get you back? And do they admit they have treated you badly?

My ExH held his hands up that he treated me terribly and promised to change. He thought of things he had done that i hadn't even realised (because it's all very subtle sometimes). He admitted to being controlling once he realised being controlling didn't mean locking someone in a room and not letting them see family.

I threw absolutely everything at him. I didn't feel scared of him anymore. I told him absolutely everything. He seemed hurt but accepted it all.

He admitted he is a 'dick' but he would change. Is this normal behaviour from a narc when you leave them?

@hurtingmama yes it's exactly what they do when you leave them but had you have gone back it would only be a matter of time before your discard occurred, they need to be in control xx

My epitaph will say "she tried to please her mother, she never could".

Oh, Roses that is sad . Why give her the attention that that will bring? I would think your children will be more likely to want something that shows what a good mother you have been to them

I was so unhappy at that point, I'm sure it was obvious but he couldn't see that just a night away would of done me the world of good.

hurtingmama he probably could see. He wouldn't want you having something that would do you good, it would have brought you strength, which is a threat to them.

I agree with JLBear, they need to be in control about the ending. That's why, especially if you end it, it's such a dangerous time for women in abusive relationships. You have dented their puffed up pride.

You let it go. You will never have an answer beyond narcissism. They don't love anyone as much as they love their own selves. I don't buy this "poor narcissists are insecure" line. They're horrible, self obsessed wankers who ride roughshod over anyone to feel good. And if having you hanging on even though he treated you like shit is how he needed to get that feeling, that will be what he did.

Let it go. It's like believing in a flat earth and then one day someone shows you indisputably that it's round. You don't cry for the loss of the flat Earth. You just realise it never was and it never will be. Of course it sucks to invest so much but take heart that you're capable of investing and loving and believing, when your ex has only their shrivelled, self loving heart and massive ego

@hurtingmama

One thing that's different in my story is I left. I see a lot of you ladies saying how you were devalued and they left you. Which is disgusting btw - I'm so sorry.

But my question - is it typical when you leave a narc that they will try every trick in the book to get you back? And do they admit they have treated you badly?

My ExH held his hands up that he treated me terribly and promised to change. He thought of things he had done that i hadn't even realised (because it's all very subtle sometimes). He admitted to being controlling once he realised being controlling didn't mean locking someone in a room and not letting them see family.

I threw absolutely everything at him. I didn't feel scared of him anymore. I told him absolutely everything. He seemed hurt but accepted it all.

He admitted he is a 'dick' but he would change. Is this normal behaviour from a narc when you leave them?

I left and yes. 100%

"I can change"
"I've done a lot of soul searching"
"I've realised I'm a dick"
"I only want you and this needed to happen for me to wake up and realise"
"There's nothing for me without you"

Usually closely followed by
"This is your fault really, you overreacted"
"I'll kill myself if we don't get back together"
"I might as well sleep with other women then if you're not going to take me back"

That is interesting.
The phone call - when they know you are busy at that time of day.

I was SAHM and would prepare
then feed/supervise dinner between 5-6pm

Guess when the nonse would ring every day from his car phone speaker thing

Somewhere along the messy break up I mentioned about it & his reply was that he HAD to ring me at
that time,while he was leaving work, to see what mood I was in.

I genuinely couldn't understand what he meant, and those words hurt me
& have stuck with me ,because I was often happily playing hide and seek or watching CBeebies when he'd get in,and my mood was fine.

@TheCountessOfGrantham I've had pretty much the exact same. Especially the sleeping with other people one. He told me he was going back on the dating sites purely hoping I would beg him not too. All while accusing me of having someone else. Because of course he couldn't be the reason I ended it.

Can I just ask, how did you cope and get through? How long did it take you to just feel at peace again?

Deep down I sadly still care and love him in some weird way. He has moved straight on to his new supply. I am heartbroken but would never take him back.