How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

[JLBear12]

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

Oh shit I’m very sorry. 5 and a half years is a long time

I'm 20 years on from that ex, so I'm able to be clinically curious about it. I've healed but I do look back and see that I had no boundaries whatsoever and was basically a sitting duck for a man like that. And it took me therapy and a lot of time figuring it all out.

I found out a couple of weeks after we got together that I had been the OW. I knew his 'ex' from our school days but he'd said they had broken up, and was really convincing, telling his friends of all the dates she was going on and that he was delighted for her because she deserved to be happy and all that.

So I'm sure it was rather a horrible shock to her when she found out we got together. The moment I found out he lied about their relationship, I should have walked, and should have apologised to her immediately for my part in her pain but I didn't. I was selfish.

And I'm genuine in saying that I hope the day she found out the exact same thing was done to me, that she couldn't stop laughing all day at the karma dished on me. Because I deserved it for the part I played in her distress.

@Orgasmagorical

I could tell you a story that would make your hair curl about mine and sex. He wouldn't stop, it had catastrophic consequences. When he was leaving he tried to get me to take responsibility for it. It was the only thing he hadn't blamed me for over the whole of our marriage. If he had thought I was responsible he would have brought it up during every single one of his hours long whines, like he did with everything else that was wrong in his life (that had fuck all to do with me and everything to do with him and his inadequacy).

Another one of his accusations (for that read admissions) before he left was that we never had any sex, as if it was my fault. I gave up showing any interest very early on because I didn't enjoy the constant rejections. Any sexual events were worthy of a note in the diary, they were that rare. Full marks if it was a score out of one though

They really are snivelling, feeble little shits.

I could have written this post! My ex complained loudly when he dumped me that 'we never have sex' but he never wanted to, well not with me anyway. When 'we' were trying for a baby, something which he 'really wanted' apparently, he was just so difficult about it. My DD was truly a miracle baby, but not for the reasons most parents cite for such a blessing.

Interestingly, ex's mother was also a narcissist. When her son-in-law's mother was widowed, we had picked up ex's mother on the way to go round and visit. The doorbell rang with a delivery of flowers and she got up and thought they were for her, you couldn't make it up!

I was nagged for sex but then devalued until I agreed to wearing outfits x

I think often about the concept of "my whole life was a lie."

And it definitely helps to reinforce that all your feelings were valid and genuine.

This may sound silly, but this helps me too...

They may have lied about all the big things, and all the important things. But the trivia, the hum drum that makes up 90% of a day to day relationship, that was real. When you were deciding whether to have lasagne or shepherds pie, that was real. When you were choosing which colour to paint the hall. When the car needed servicing and he took it. When you were choosing the new hoover.

The things they didn't need to "con" you about. Those things were real. And while it doesn't equate to the importance of the things they lied and caused damage with, it was the bulk of the time. Their intentions, long term have always been false. But every daily interaction wasn't.

So, my whole life wasn't a lie. My future with him was. The joint goals I thought we had was. But all the small stuff wasn't. I know it doesn't even touch the sides of what they've done, in the scheme of things. But our whole lives weren't lies.

I don't even know if that makes sense. I hope it does, it helps me a lot to think like that.

@ReadySteadyTwins

I think often about the concept of "my whole life was a lie."

And it definitely helps to reinforce that all your feelings were valid and genuine.

This may sound silly, but this helps me too...

They may have lied about all the big things, and all the important things. But the trivia, the hum drum that makes up 90% of a day to day relationship, that was real. When you were deciding whether to have lasagne or shepherds pie, that was real. When you were choosing which colour to paint the hall. When the car needed servicing and he took it. When you were choosing the new hoover.

The things they didn't need to "con" you about. Those things were real. And while it doesn't equate to the importance of the things they lied and caused damage with, it was the bulk of the time. Their intentions, long term have always been false. But every daily interaction wasn't.

So, my whole life wasn't a lie. My future with him was. The joint goals I thought we had was. But all the small stuff wasn't. I know it doesn't even touch the sides of what they've done, in the scheme of things. But our whole lives weren't lies.

I don't even know if that makes sense. I hope it does, it helps me a lot to think like that.

I absolutely understand that. I think that's what makes it hard. The little things can sometimes take over the big things that were actually false.

It's like he used to make me a cup of tea every morning vs the false promises he made to stop gambling so we could get a mortgage (which thankfully we never got)

It's easy to focus on the little things as they were daily and like you say...they were real. But the bigger picture which we never really look at when we are in it was false.

@ReadySteadyTwins thank you so much, kind of helps to accept that my entire life with him.wasnt a lie xx

I'm 7 months out from being discarded by narc H. So cold and cruel. After 12.5 years together, 10 years married, 2 kids via IVF, he fell out of love with me over a period of 4 months. The 4 months he spent devaluing me after I refused to go to marriage counselling to address the lack of sex and me being 'too defensive'. Of course it was all about him and all my fault.

So cold and cruel. You no longer bring me any joy. The kids do. Not you. Didn't you notice I took DD to her room to play after I got home from work? It's because I couldn't stand being in the same room as you. Didn't you notice I'm not interested in what you have to say ? I've been tolerating you for years because I loved you. I no longer love you and can't tolerate you any longer. Amongst other things. Apparently I was too moody and negative - no, it was him.

What is it about the sex? Ex narc blamed me that we weren't having it 3 times a day and it was no longer spontaneous. Yes, we have 2 kids, both work, you piss off to bed every night at 7.30pm and leave me to sort the house and put both kids to bed including a child with a sleep disorder who you won't help with- I'm tired.

And I have a gynae issue that we never seem to have the money to fix. But no need to worry- you assured me you had the skill to handle this while doing all of the new exciting sex things which you didn't discuss with me but expected me to do as your WIFE otherwise I didn't care about your feelings.

I got the fluid sexuality, too. He wanted to swing with a man and do things with OM. I said, no. Ex narc thought I should take it as a compliment that I could help attract 'us' OM.

I'm still floored that I was discarded so easily with no fucks given. I quit my job to follow his job and supported him in his promotion. A job he couldn't cope with because it involved managing people and he was so fragile. People being people hurt his feelings. He sucked the life out of me as I did everything I could to support him emotionally, deal with the kids on my own (he was too tired and stressed) do all of the housework and I worked on top of that. It was never enough though.

I was dumped during a visit to our hometown and I refused to budge. Ex narc told me not to feel rejected as he still wanted to be my friend... my best friend. This would entail me returning to the town we were living in for his job, continue all of the wife work, live with him, and support him. He was honestly confused when I refused.

I have been blamed for everything. The person who said the narc accuses you of being everything they are at the end was not wrong. I think narc brought himself no joy. He was just an empty shell. I think he had a crisis when he realised it would be near on impossible for him to get promoted back to our home town. He felt rejected so rejected me.

It hurts thinking the person you loved with all of your being never loved you. Not in the same way you loved them. They're incapable of it. Ex narc kept saying he fell out of love with me as if that provided closure. I told him how much that hurt so he started to refer to it as 'the thing that I said that you told me not to mention'. He finally shut up once I said that I no longer cared because he clearly didn't love me the same way that I loved him and never did.

There were happy times, but now I view them as all about him. I don't feel he was genuinely in the relationship. He was one step removed and observing me and manipulating me. Seeing what pushed my buttons. I feel even the nice things were manipulative to keep me onside and to test how I would react, and make him feel good about himself of course. It wasn't about me and what I needed. I don't think he cared about my feelings at all. That's why I was dumped in our son's favourite restaurant over a belated birthday dinner date. He didn't care that I sat there crying as the song he sang to me at our wedding happen to come over the speakers. Apparently everything happens for a reason and I was meant to feel heartbroken right now like I was learning one of life's fucking lessons.

I definitely don't have all of the answers. Counselling helps. Once the Clin Psych I saw mentioned NPD and I googled it so many pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Healing is a long road but I know I will be better off without him.

@WhereverYouGoThereYouAre I really feel for you, it was probably more than the 4 months you were devalued for but it would have been subtle. I honestly didn't realise I was being devalued but looking back there were many sarcastic remarks,.silent treatments, mini sulks etc. Sex to a narc is a way of obtaining narcissistic fuel which is why they need it so much. They are empty shells that basically need refuelling. They can walk away so easily because they are emotionally immature so dont form emotional attachments to people. They project all their awful feelings inside them on to us and they cant accept no blame whatsoever. They are relentless in their quest to feel good about themselves xx

Wishing you well, every day without the narcissist in your life is going to be a happier, peaceful, more focused day that you can use to benefit yourself as best you can, and everyone else that you care about.

@JLBear12 yes the entire relationship had elements of devalue. The last 4 months after I refused to attend marriage counselling to work on my issues were the worst. I couldn't do right for doing wrong. However, I try and remember what I read online to feel glad you are now free as the trash took itself out.

I read upthread someone wrote they were never told to shut up. Neither was I, but there were thousands of ways in which I was silenced, made to feel invisible and unimportant. Sulking and the silent treatment, not acknowledging you when you have spoken, twisting what you have said to suit themselves is basically telling you to shut up.

I'm not silent any more. I have a voice and ex narc doesn't like it.

@WhereverYouGoThereYouAre so many parts of your post resonate with me. I was also discarded with no fucks given, I had supported him throughout his entire adult life whilst wasting mine on him at the same time. Mine claimed to love me 'like a sister' and also wanted to remain 'best friends'. Mine was never physically violent although there were at least two occasions where I was so frightened of him I thought he would kill me. He was permanently sulky and angry, only happy when he was the centre of attention and everyone was worshipping him. One of the scariest sounds for me was the key in the door. I am thankful every day that I'm no longer with him and pity the OW.

It's like he used to make me a cup of tea every morning vs the false promises he made to stop gambling so we could get a mortgage (which thankfully we never got)

Ohhhhh, how I can relate to that.

It's easy to focus on the little things as they were daily and like you say...they were real. But the bigger picture which we never really look at when we are in it was false.

Don't focus on them. But don't forget them. The important stuff, was all an act, absolutely. But not everything was. Maybe it's a bit of a backhanded silver lining. It just helps me, when I think, everything was a lie, to remember, the morning cup of tea wasn't. It meant jack all. But it was a real thing.

@ReadySteadyTwins

It's like he used to make me a cup of tea every morning vs the false promises he made to stop gambling so we could get a mortgage (which thankfully we never got)

Ohhhhh, how I can relate to that.

It's easy to focus on the little things as they were daily and like you say...they were real. But the bigger picture which we never really look at when we are in it was false.

Don't focus on them. But don't forget them. The important stuff, was all an act, absolutely. But not everything was. Maybe it's a bit of a backhanded silver lining. It just helps me, when I think, everything was a lie, to remember, the morning cup of tea wasn't. It meant jack all. But it was a real thing.

He used to go on about this cup of tea on a morning all the time when trying to get me back. 'I just want my wife back so I can make you a cup of tea again on a morning'....literally all he did! Apart from the bins

We have a DS together, he wanted a baby more than I did. He would always say 'you will be surprised at his hands on I am when baby is here'....baby came and he did nothing. Not sure why I was surprised. But these are the big false promises. What's bigger than promising to be an amazing father to a baby then doing F'all when it comes to it...because he's been at work all day and he's tired.

I can see lots of these now it's been mentioned actually...don't even get me started on wedding vows 😂

I am really quite lucky, he really wanted to get married and even though we were engaged, we never did it probably because he had no clue how to save money and was always want want want. I always thought he was just immature, how wrong was I. I even found out his physically threatened my friend to stay away from us. You know in five and a half.years I had 2 nights out without him totalling 6 hours xx

@JLBear12

I am really quite lucky, he really wanted to get married and even though we were engaged, we never did it probably because he had no clue how to save money and was always want want want. I always thought he was just immature, how wrong was I. I even found out his physically threatened my friend to stay away from us. You know in five and a half.years I had 2 nights out without him totalling 6 hours xx

I never went out. If I did, it was breakfast with friends while the kids were at school. But just before I left, I said I was going out for tea with a friend for my birthday. Not on my birthday but around that time. He asked if he could come and why he wasn't invited. I never went anywhere! Never had a night off from him and the kids ever. I was hoping to get 'oh that's nice, yeah you go out, you deserve it.'

Turns out he had convinced himself I had someone else as I'd been off with him in the previous weeks....for constantly being snapped at, used as free childcare for my step children and much more.

Can't make it up really can you?

That's what they do though.

Night out, once a year? You cheater.

Yes, that's right. Because you didn't care to take me out for the other 364 nights, I'm a cheat for going to see my friend.

It's because they panic you might let someone know what they are, and how they treat you. And then that rational person will be on "your side.". That's their biggest fear, being exposed.

@ReadySteadyTwins I didnt even know what he was or what was happening. He went out whenever he wanted. Think it was because she is my daughter he never thought he should look after her. I honestly never knew what he was, I just felt anxious paranoid insecure and taken for.granted xx

I told mine after being discarded just before I went no contact that hes a narcissist and I knew because he has zero empathy, response was I am trying to change, yea right good luck with that xx

They may have lied about all the big things, and all the important things. But the trivia, the hum drum that makes up 90% of a day to day relationship, that was real. When you were deciding whether to have lasagne or shepherds pie, that was real. When you were choosing which colour to paint the hall. When the car needed servicing and he took it. When you were choosing the new hoover.

The trivia may have been the real times but there are such horrible memories for me with so many of them because the simplest of things had to be his way.

Me (trying to come up with something because he would just spend his life whining about the hall needing painting): "What about green for the hall?"
Him: "No."
Me: "What do you fancy then?"
Him: "Don't know."
Me: "I'll get a colour chart"
Him: "Right." (giving him some more resting time, bless him)
Show him the colour chart and ask him if he likes anything at all: "No"

And then he would complain that I would never let him do any decorating.

Choosing a new household appliance. I knew someone who was an expert on a thing we were needing. Many discussions with ex about this thing but he took on board what the expert said and we bought said item. Said item was treated with such contempt, the jealousy a grown 'man' had of a household item because it was someone I knew who had recommended it. You couldn't make it up.

When the marriage ended I had help from a psychotherapist to hurry up and get over it. He told me I had been controlled. I was so shocked. I said "He never stopped me from seeing anyone though". "But did he try and put you off them?" the therapist asked. Bloody hell, yes he did. Everyone I ever knew. The only time he liked them was when they were giving him attention.

So I started trying to get my head round the fact I'd been in a controlling relationship then one day I was looking back through some of my old MN posts (the ones I could only do when he was out, I didn't want him knowing I was posting as "FUCKING MUMSNET" was such a threat to him, and rightly so) when I saw one where I'd been asking about emotional abuse on a thread and said "It's all about the control". So I did know years before but my brain must have blanked it out

@ReadySteadyTwins

That's what they do though.

Night out, once a year? You cheater.

Yes, that's right. Because you didn't care to take me out for the other 364 nights, I'm a cheat for going to see my friend.

It's because they panic you might let someone know what they are, and how they treat you. And then that rational person will be on "your side.". That's their biggest fear, being exposed.

Yes on the rare occasions I did see my friends, he would always asked what we talked about. Especially if it was a friend of both of ours. I'm guessing this is why?

Does anyone get the feeling that half of these people dont know they have or are close to having npd x

@JLBear12

Does anyone get the feeling that half of these people dont know they have or are close to having npd x

If you asked my ExH what a narcissist was, he would have absolutely no idea. Not a clue. Wether deep down he knows that there is something not right about him is a different question.

@loulousx mine said he hated himself inside and drank to block it out xx

@JLBear12

Does anyone get the feeling that half of these people dont know they have or are close to having npd x

Mine wouldn't consider it for a second. Whoever suggested it to him would be the one who had it