Dads new girlfriend

[premiumcogd]

Just need a rant. Don't know where to start.

My mum died at the end of December 2020 after a long battle with cancer. She was only 63.

My DD started working in a pub recently. She came home from work last week saying grandad was in today with a woman. I thought that was sweet because I assumed it was his also widowed neighbour. Until DD said she looked young. He introduced this woman to DD as his friend.

He sent me a message that same evening asking me round for coffee at some point last week. I went, and he said that he wanted to let me know that he was seeing someone. If DD hadn't told me already that she'd seen them together I would've been shocked. He didn't say how long they had been seeing each other and I didn't think to ask. He asked if I wanted to meet her, and I said at some point sure. She was at his house within 30 mins.

My first thought is fucking hell you're young. I later find out she's 26. He is 65. He doesn't have loads of money but he's definitely comfortable and does own his house outright.

She seemed nice enough but completely icked me out when she made a joke about being my new stepmum. I am 13 years older than her. And again when I referred to a friend of my DD and she nudged my dad and said "that's a nice baby name". I didn't stay long after that.

She friend requested me on facebook and I accepted. Did some scrolling and didn't go back far before I saw a picture of her and my dad "happy one year anniversary" two weeks ago. What. The. Fuck. We had just had the first anniversary of my mums death 6 weeks ago. Meaning they got together 6 weeks after my mums death??

He still lives in the house he shared with my mum for decades. She had a bit of money in a bank account my dad didn't know about, which all went to him after her death, which he used on a holiday for himself. Turns out she went as well from the pictures on her fb.

I am mortified. I am upset, angry, confused and hurt. I feel like my dads grief over my mums death has all been fake. Or that maybe he spent her final dying weeks giving attention to his young new girlfriend, knowing that soon my mum would be gone and he could have a new life and a new start with her.

He has sent me a few texts since which I've ignored, asking when the whole family is free to properly meet his new girlfriend, as well as asking for a few more dates in the diary for upcoming months where we can all do stuff together. I can't think of anything worse than seeing her or speaking to her or speaking about her. I unfriended her on facebook. I don't want to get to know her and I feel resentment towards both of them. I just want them to fuck off together and leave me out of it

Sorry just needed to rant

I would feel so uncomfortable with this. She's not being very respectful to you with her comments.

Holy shit I am sure others will have some good advice but I couldn't read that and not reply. I'd be gutted, disgsuted and furious OP I'm so sorry

If she was commenting on baby names.. how does he feel about having a new family in the next 5 years ? Does he like the idea ? Could he get a job to support a new family ?

I'm not surprised you're hurt.
Certainly for now I would distance myself as it isn't something you need to deal with while you are still grieving your dm.
Him taking her on holiday with your dm's savings must hurt like hell as well as them being together for a year.
It sounds like he's desperate for approval but you don't have to give it.
It might be a reaction to his own grief but you certainly don't have to be ok with it.
I'd tell him you need space for now.

You don’t have to give him your approval on this one. See him privately but you absolutely do not have to see them in a coupley scenario.

This is all kinds of fucked up. There is absolutely nothing normal about that age gap and she is enjoying making you feel uncomfortable.

@Thehouseofmarvels

If she was commenting on baby names.. how does he feel about having a new family in the next 5 years ? Does he like the idea ? Could he get a job to support a new family ?

I suspect she is already pregnant hence his wish to start including you all in his relationship.

Think carefully before you cut him out completely. He is only 65 and could have 20-30 years still ahead.

Unfortunately some men who have been in long term relationships tend to like being in them and thus when they lose a partner they do sometimes move quickly into another.

The relationship may have started inappropriately quickly and the gf may not recognise the things she is saying are inappropriate to a daughter older than herself but I suspect she may be very nervous herself.

I would keep him close and see how the land lies before steaming in and potentially alienating him and forcing him into her arms/sole company.

Good lord, I’m early 40s and I wouldn’t consider dating a chap in his 60s.

Do you know anything about her OP? Does she work, have family? Also do you know how they met? Any idea if he’s updated his will?

I cannot begin to imagine how angry and upset you must feel.

I had wondered if he's updated his will but I do hope he wouldn't be so stupid. From my very brief facebook scroll, I've seen that she's from Poland and that's where all her family still are. There are pictures of her with her mum when she's visited.

Doesn't look like she's got kids and I fucking hope she's not pregnant already

I'm gonna tell him I need space and ask him to not text me for a while.

There was a story on here where the bloke who was also in his sixties. He found a new massively younger wife shortly after loosing the posters wife. I think the marriage lasted something like 6 years when the young wife met someone her own age and the older bloke ended up very poor after the divorce and needing lots of emotional support from the poster.

I'm not surprised you are angry . I have a friend whose mum died ,within 2 months her dad started seeing someone who it turned out was his gf years before he met her mum . She was so so upset and really struggled to maintain a civil relationship with her dad , she made it clear she did not want to meet the woman. You are well within your rights to be angry and upset I can't think of many women that wouldn't be tbh. I would make it clear you aren't comfortable with spending time with her , why should you be forced to spend time with someone you don't want to you are an adult with choices ffs . He should not be planning 'happy family ' days out

I understand how hurtful this feels for you. I would be inclined to go the other way. Keep my dad very close, do lots of things with the whole family. I wouldn't want to alienate him and risk creating a us & them situation.

There is only one reason this woman is with your father and it has nothing to do with his good looks and charm.

And yes he would be that stupid over his will.

I am very sorry for you

I’m so sorry, this sounds an awful situation.
I’ve sent you a pm

She can't be that nice a lady if he had only been grieving 6 weeks.
Announcing a year anniversary is in very poor taste. Even if it was surely some things best kept to yourself in these circumstances?

I hate to ask this as I am usually a defender of women, but what does a woman in her 20s see in a widower in his 60s? If she likes older men surely 40s would do.

I have seen dozens of stories on mumsnet where a parent dies and the other parent leaves everything to a new spouse or partner. It is very common.

I completely understand your hurt and anger OP & I’m so sorry this has happened. What a horrible thing to have to deal with

I can only assume he’s dealing with his grief & fear by not dealing with it at all. It’s the ultimate in distraction - ‘get a new young woman and I won’t have to think about any of it most especially I won’t have to confront the fear of my own mortality’

He has made his choice but it has consequences. He can’t expect you all to join him in his escapist fantasy life. All you can do is be firm - you will see him but she is not yet welcome to be in your life as you are still grieving your mothers death. If he does not like it I’m afraid that is just tough

Ah.. you've said a few things that have raised a brow. I had a family member this happened to. He was delighted to show off his young girlfriend months after his wife passed away. Like a new lease of life for him. They married quickly and she had a child.. then took him to the cleaners and was actually in a relationship in Poland all along. Needless to say he was embarrassed but very foolish in my opinion to think a 60+ man could have a 25 yr old girlfriend and it turned out the child wasn't his. I'd be having a word with your dear old dad and check his will asap.

One concern is if she does get pregnant and or married to him, is since she has family in a country that is less affluent than much of the Uk... him being asked fund her to send money home to her family. If she gets pregnant.. oh won't you help your son/ daughter's grandparents, aunt, uncle ect.

I'd be absolutely fucking livid. I would have to call him out on his sheer disrespect towards you and your mother's memory.

@Summerhillsquare

I hate to ask this as I am usually a defender of women, but what does a woman in her 20s see in a widower in his 60s? If she likes older men surely 40s would do.

My dad was older and his new woman was only 12 years younger but a lot fitter and I wondered the same thing. She dumped him soon after he sold his house and invested the money for my sister and me. I never felt the same about him after he had his head turned by her and her Ann Summer’s underwear. What the fuck is wrong with men!?!

I’m so sorry OP it’s horrible.

I would be pissed off too.

My first thought was she's either pregnant or planning to be very soon. You know how the rest of it will pan out. Your father should have more sense but clearly doesn't and will rewrite his will when the baby arrives, you can be sure of it.

I don't have any advice but totally understand your reaction.

Your dad wants to arrange meet ups with the family ? How can he think the girlfriend will be accepted so easily. She probably doesn't love him, men are so gullible.

Tell him you are worried he is being taken advantage of , that he has not grieved for your mother properly and enquire if you will inherit anything or will she get it all (in nicest possible way. of course). Do you have any siblings?

I would be very careful .

Do not mention the age gap , or money at this stage .

I agree you need to keep him closer. But make it very clear that you find it totally unacceptable that they kept this secret and started the relationship so soon after your mother’s death .

Play the long game .

I really feel for you this must be devastating.