Dads new girlfriend

[premiumcogd]

Just need a rant. Don't know where to start.

My mum died at the end of December 2020 after a long battle with cancer. She was only 63.

My DD started working in a pub recently. She came home from work last week saying grandad was in today with a woman. I thought that was sweet because I assumed it was his also widowed neighbour. Until DD said she looked young. He introduced this woman to DD as his friend.

He sent me a message that same evening asking me round for coffee at some point last week. I went, and he said that he wanted to let me know that he was seeing someone. If DD hadn't told me already that she'd seen them together I would've been shocked. He didn't say how long they had been seeing each other and I didn't think to ask. He asked if I wanted to meet her, and I said at some point sure. She was at his house within 30 mins.

My first thought is fucking hell you're young. I later find out she's 26. He is 65. He doesn't have loads of money but he's definitely comfortable and does own his house outright.

She seemed nice enough but completely icked me out when she made a joke about being my new stepmum. I am 13 years older than her. And again when I referred to a friend of my DD and she nudged my dad and said "that's a nice baby name". I didn't stay long after that.

She friend requested me on facebook and I accepted. Did some scrolling and didn't go back far before I saw a picture of her and my dad "happy one year anniversary" two weeks ago. What. The. Fuck. We had just had the first anniversary of my mums death 6 weeks ago. Meaning they got together 6 weeks after my mums death??

He still lives in the house he shared with my mum for decades. She had a bit of money in a bank account my dad didn't know about, which all went to him after her death, which he used on a holiday for himself. Turns out she went as well from the pictures on her fb.

I am mortified. I am upset, angry, confused and hurt. I feel like my dads grief over my mums death has all been fake. Or that maybe he spent her final dying weeks giving attention to his young new girlfriend, knowing that soon my mum would be gone and he could have a new life and a new start with her.

He has sent me a few texts since which I've ignored, asking when the whole family is free to properly meet his new girlfriend, as well as asking for a few more dates in the diary for upcoming months where we can all do stuff together. I can't think of anything worse than seeing her or speaking to her or speaking about her. I unfriended her on facebook. I don't want to get to know her and I feel resentment towards both of them. I just want them to fuck off together and leave me out of it

Sorry just needed to rant

It's a con.

Similar thing happened to my uncle - a Polish women 31 years younger. In our case, she worked for a cleaning and caring agency and met my uncle as one of the many people coming and going through the house when Aunt had cancer. She also worked in a cafe when uncle sometimes went for tea on the short breaks he got from caring.
When aunt died, they got together as he was the kind of man who had always had a woman looking after him. He soon changed his will, she got pregnant and they got married. She got citizenship. A year after that, she emptied his bank accounts, took their son and divorced him. He lost his house. He has not been able to see his son for a long time as whereabouts are unknown.

My guess - He has already changed his will.
This is a sort of "romance fraud".
They met while your Mum was ill in some context or other and she offered a sympathetic ear.
Watch her the way you watch a snake - so you always know where they are.
I guess she is pregnant and they will soon announce they are getting married. You must be absolutely devastated, but please know that when the love of your life dies, you are not yourself for the first two years - you can go full nuts. Could be that this woman has spotted a mark and moved in on your Dad which is extremely sad. But it does not mean that he did not adore your mother.

I wouldn't turn your back on your Dad. if she bankrupts him and breaks his heart, he will be a broken old man with nowhere to live.
Me? I would meet him one to one and have a show down, but it might be too late. His loyalties may lie 100% with her after a secret year of being together.

Does anyone know how to make sure your DC get the inheritance money?? I would be livid if I died and OH gave my money to some chancer woman.

My sister’s mil was v unwell in a care home for some time, her dh was devoted to her. Straight after her death, his ‘friend’ who was a member of the care staff was popping round to see him all the time. He could not see what was clear to everyone else, and genuinely thought she was lovely and attracted to him. My bil phoned the home to make them aware, they just said f so one thing along the lines of ‘she’s lovely, they are good friends’.
When someone is lonely, someone showing them the affection they are missing is going to work. There may well be cases of genuine friendship or love, but sadly more likely a predator looking for an easy life.
She may well be pregnant already. How hurtful. The fact of him keeping her quiet for a year shows he knows what people will think.

It is utterly shocking and I couldn't imagine the disgust you must have felt
It won't take long to find out. It sounds like he's racing to talk about her. Keep what you know about fb to yourself

The first thing that springs to mind is a gold digger. He is old enough to be her grandfather.The baby thing is no doubt a way to tie herself financially to him. If he marries her she will get his house when he passes away.I would be angry with your dad too. I would have a word with him about protecting himself financially from this women and be honest that you are not happy with the situation.

You can still have a relationship with him without her being present. He can't demand that you be there. If he can't respect and be sensitive to your feelings then that is his failure. Be clear from the outset. My dad's girlfriend moved on with his best friend not long after my dad died suddenly. Some people just can't face being on their own and will go to the first person who shows them attention.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'd be more disappointed that my 65 year old father seriously thought he should be dating a 26 year old woman.

Many posters are blaming the young woman but what about the man who sees no issue in dating a women younger than his own children?

It's gross and a fine sample of male entitlement. He's perfectly happy using a woman younger than his daughter to boost his ego, fill an empty emotional void that he feels entitled to fill with a woman younger than his daughter and essentially pay for her to be in his life. She's young, unskilled and far more vulnerable than a 65 year old man, even if he is a widow.

Wow, so sorry! I totally understand your concerns

It's certainly an odd pairing on both parts. What do they have in common and what do they talk
About?

I sincerely hope they dont get married

I wouldn't stop contact with your father at the moment because of the mention of 'baby name' by the girlfriend to him. Did he look surprised ? If not, either a pregnancy is planned or she already is.

Hopefully, it's the former, in which case you need to have a talk with him to try and make him see sense.

This is awful. I don’t know if your father is being scammed, or bluntly whether he knows and doesn’t care.

A few male friends/ ex colleagues have gotten divorced in recent years. Late 40’s/ early 50’s. They have all gone through the phase of dating a very young and beautiful woman: similar in age to their children.

When they walk into the pub- they are high fived and met with ‘lucky bastard’ from their friends/ colleagues (and that’s some of the polite commentary). Other men envy this opportunity and there are many who take the view ‘my money, I only life once, I’ll enjoy it.’ They know what the much younger woman sees in them and they don’t care. It’s nothing more than a transaction.

For some it was just a phase. For others it has resulted in family number two and at a time when life should be getting easier because their children are older; they look more harassed and older than ever as they have babies/ toddlers to tend with all over again.

I’m not saying some men aren’t duped, of course they are. But they do also know what a woman 20/40 years younger sees in them. 🤷🏽‍♀️

So in your shoes, I would see him. And I’d openly ask - whether he knows what he’s doing. I wouldn’t cut him off, not at all.

That is a really good post @sassbott

IME many older men know exactly what younger women see in them, ie wealth, security, life experience. And they are happy with that and the boost to their ego being with a young woman gives them. They are effectively “buying” the woman’s youth.

So I would pause before going down the “he is being conned” thought process. They are both getting out of it what they want and whilst it’s totally understandable that you are feeling upset and angry about this relationship, you do need to tread carefully.

There is no fool like an old fool.

I have no advice at all

Just and sympathy because this is fucking awful and I would utterly HATE this.
I do think the posters suggesting you don’t push him into her arms more are prob right but the theory and reality of that are 2 different things.

I’m sorry. My dad did the same but admiringly not with such a young girlfriend. My dads was around his age. But it was the speed. Shocking. My mum and dad had a lovely family home in the SE. He moved so many women into it. I couldn’t tolerate it. We had a terrible false relationship for 20 odd years until he died. I could never get my head around understanding his behaviour.

He's too young for her to be there for the inheritance, surely?
It's a bit of a long con to go the marriage and divorce route, especially if he's not loaded.

I wouldn't trust her either though and would definitely want to know how they met

I think you need to be honest with your Dad: tell him that you had no idea that this was not a new relationship, and you are hurt and shocked that he started seeing her so soon after your Mum died.

Tell him you are still grieving and missing your Mum so there is a big gap between how he and you feel and while you don’t want him to live in misery you don’t feel comfortable around her making jokes about being your step mum and seemingly planning a baby. It is too much too soon for you to take in and you need time and space.

Tell him.

It might help him see what he is doing from another perspective.

Men so often line up a new woman before the old one is out the door. That is the cruel truth. I bet he was on dating apps while your Mum was ill.

That must have been quite a shock OP. It doesn’t sound like a wise relationship on either part.

When my DM died aged 66 of cancer I had a conversation with my DF along the lines of if he met someone in the future I would be happy for him BUT two rules: nobody younger than me (I was 40) and no baby siblings. Sounds like both might be be on the cards for your DF and I absolutely understand your shock and distaste.

@premiumcogd, did your mum have a Will? Do you know whether their property is owned as tenants in common or joint tenants?

The worry would be that 20 years down the line, your dad's new GF ends up with your mum's share of the property, as well as your dad's. Fingers crossed there are no babies on the horizon.

My mum did aged 60, dad started dating new women 4 weeks after her funeral. Refused to speak about mum after that. He then cut me off about 2years later because he “knew” I disapproved of their relationship and couldn’t accept his new partner. How did he reach this conclusion? I met his partner just 3 times because he upped sticks to live in her country-I barely knew her. I did however refuse to stop talking about mum in respect to our family history- not deliberately insisting on talking about her but just because it came out. I was rejected by him- that was 20 years ago. I’ve never gotten over it.

A baby is the easiest and oldest trick in the book but only one mind to mark their spot.

I had a similar situation when my DM married a man a lot younger than me. It was a shock.
I can’t imagine how hard it is for you as it started so soon (hopefully) after your DM died.

@Summerhillsquare

I hate to ask this as I am usually a defender of women, but what does a woman in her 20s see in a widower in his 60s? If she likes older men surely 40s would do.

Money probably.

And there's no fool like an old fool.

@Homebird8

That must have been quite a shock OP. It doesn’t sound like a wise relationship on either part.

When my DM died aged 66 of cancer I had a conversation with my DF along the lines of if he met someone in the future I would be happy for him BUT two rules: nobody younger than me (I was 40) and no baby siblings. Sounds like both might be be on the cards for your DF and I absolutely understand your shock and distaste.

Whilst either proposition is awful, how did your dad taking you laying the law down?

@veevee04

Does anyone know how to make sure your DC get the inheritance money?? I would be livid if I died and OH gave my money to some chancer woman.

You write a will

And remember to update it regularly

@nannyogg you need to get a solicitor to register your property ( if you have one ) as tenants in common. You then write a will saying your half of your home goes to your children but your husband can live their until he dies or leaves to move in with a new wife.

Whoops sorry below was for @Veevee04