Dads new girlfriend

[premiumcogd]

Just need a rant. Don't know where to start.

My mum died at the end of December 2020 after a long battle with cancer. She was only 63.

My DD started working in a pub recently. She came home from work last week saying grandad was in today with a woman. I thought that was sweet because I assumed it was his also widowed neighbour. Until DD said she looked young. He introduced this woman to DD as his friend.

He sent me a message that same evening asking me round for coffee at some point last week. I went, and he said that he wanted to let me know that he was seeing someone. If DD hadn't told me already that she'd seen them together I would've been shocked. He didn't say how long they had been seeing each other and I didn't think to ask. He asked if I wanted to meet her, and I said at some point sure. She was at his house within 30 mins.

My first thought is fucking hell you're young. I later find out she's 26. He is 65. He doesn't have loads of money but he's definitely comfortable and does own his house outright.

She seemed nice enough but completely icked me out when she made a joke about being my new stepmum. I am 13 years older than her. And again when I referred to a friend of my DD and she nudged my dad and said "that's a nice baby name". I didn't stay long after that.

She friend requested me on facebook and I accepted. Did some scrolling and didn't go back far before I saw a picture of her and my dad "happy one year anniversary" two weeks ago. What. The. Fuck. We had just had the first anniversary of my mums death 6 weeks ago. Meaning they got together 6 weeks after my mums death??

He still lives in the house he shared with my mum for decades. She had a bit of money in a bank account my dad didn't know about, which all went to him after her death, which he used on a holiday for himself. Turns out she went as well from the pictures on her fb.

I am mortified. I am upset, angry, confused and hurt. I feel like my dads grief over my mums death has all been fake. Or that maybe he spent her final dying weeks giving attention to his young new girlfriend, knowing that soon my mum would be gone and he could have a new life and a new start with her.

He has sent me a few texts since which I've ignored, asking when the whole family is free to properly meet his new girlfriend, as well as asking for a few more dates in the diary for upcoming months where we can all do stuff together. I can't think of anything worse than seeing her or speaking to her or speaking about her. I unfriended her on facebook. I don't want to get to know her and I feel resentment towards both of them. I just want them to fuck off together and leave me out of it

Sorry just needed to rant

@sleepyhoglet

I'd say befriend the new woman. Keep your enemies close. Find out her intentions and then you might have some proof to show your dad long term.

Would she tell me that she's planning on rinsing my dad though? I can't think of anything worse than becoming her friend just to hear all about his in love she is with my dad and their perfect life together

@premiumcogd warn your friends to tell their mother's your story and to change the ownership of their houses to tenants in common. Then to write wills saying their husbands can live in the house but their half goes to their kids on their death.

Do you think she was involved in your mother’s care in some way? Can you think how they came to meet? Does your Dad still work, could they have met there?

my mum also died of cancer,within 4 weeks dad was dating some disabled lady, who moved in there house weeks later,she was a total cow to me,i was so upset it was too soon.he ended up running round after her as she was so disabled,he changed his will to include her, she said if he died first she was worried she would be homeless.she had been renting a 1 bed council ground floor flat,then made rude remarks abput dads 3 bed house being too small.she was evil,her daughter was worse made my life hell, she died after a few years ,watch listen and keep on eye on things good luck

Its most commonly blokes who pull these kinds of stunts. There is another tread at the moment with the genders reversed. The poster's fiance told the posters mother he expected everything to go to him then to his kids. He had nothing and lived in a shared house, diabled so could not work, wheras the poster's mother had assets of 500k. At least he was honest. The poster's mother was still planning to marry him but was a bit upset he didn't want anything to go to her kids.

Most commonly blokes but not always I meant to say.

@premiumcogd could she have been working as a carer or cleaner in your parents house before your mum died?

My mum died 8 weeks ago. The funeral was exactly 4 weeks after she died.

And your dad was seeing aomeone else at that point?

Honestly I would be furious and worried for him. I would also be extremely sad.

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say.

I was just about to defend her then saw the bit where you said 6 weeks after your mum died. I'd want absolutely nothing to do with her, I wouldn't disown your father though, just tell him you'd rather see him alone. He can make his own mistakes, he's a grown up.

There's no fool like an old fool...

It would be incredible if this woman was actually attracted to your dad. I bet it's his money and security she's after.

I'm sorry for your loss, op, I really am.

I'd tell your dad how hurt you are that he moved on so quickly, ask him what he thinks his new gf sees in him, then ask for some space for a while. He's been lying to you for a year - why did he feel he has to do that?

Oh gosh, sorry to hear this has happened and your feelings around it are totally understandable. I don't really have any advice but I would agree with a pp who said befriend her. Maybe not besties exactly but definitely don't back away from either her or your dad. Better to keep lines of communication open

I am under no illusion that my dh would look for someone sooner rather than later.
I volunteered for my local hospice , and the men that " found love " within the first year after the death of their spouse , vastly outweighed the bereaved women .
I think men find it very hard to run a house . Most have gone from being looked after by their mothers to having a wife gf to do the role.
Hopefully men now , 20s, 30s, + i.e modern men will be better equipped and used to doing more in the home than the slightly older one. I'm fully expecting people to disagree with me that their male partners would be happy to carry on without them

@CrabbyAggie

Do you think she was involved in your mother’s care in some way? Can you think how they came to meet? Does your Dad still work, could they have met there?

My mother never had home carers and to my knowledge she's not a nurse in a hospital so they couldn't have met there ..

I hadn't thought of this before but they did have cleaners who rotated every few months through an agency , it's possible she was one of their cleaners ?

If that is the case I am even more disgusted and outraged that they met in my mothers home when she was meant to be helping out ...My god now I have to find out

That is vile

I totally understand that you are so shocked, it must feel like a real blow. I think the one to be looking askance at is your dad rather than this woman. I agree with those who say to keep her on side though, in the long run, who knows what will happen. Does she have kids?

OP,

Primarily protect yourself.
Only you know if you have the stomach to be polite to your father.

He's 40 years older than her?

I don't for a second believe she is in it for his personality.

Unfortunately if she has given him a year already?
I would expect a pregnancy and marriage within a year.

Expect that inheritance is gone, it will save you a lot stress.

It's gone.

Highly likely she will give him a few years, while she rinses him.

She will return him to you, pocket lighter, house likely having to be sold, for you to provide elder care.

I also know a private care home volunteer, this is surprisingly common, particularly with comfortable home owning, nicely pensioned men.

Protect your primarily OP.

How absolutely devastating this must be for you.
You must be so disappointed in him.

@premiumcogd I would put money on it that this woman was one of their cleaners. They were official 4 weeks after your mother died. The only other way they could have realistically met is throufh the internet.. could ypur dad have been internet dating before or soom after your mother's death to line up a replacement? I think a cleaner is possible, she would have also seen the house and decided if she wanted to marry her way into owning it. Ask if she works or what her work history is. To go from a cleaner to living rent free with a man lavishing foreign holidays she could never afford...

@Premiumcogd Ask your Dad what cleaner agency he used, you could ask if the agency were any good and if you could recomend them to a friend. Ring the agency and ask if ( girlfriend's name ) works for them as a friend mentioned someone of that name was recomended as a cleaner. Record the conversation using a recording app. It will be interesting if she did work for the agency.

Tbh given how young she is and how happy he seems to be I would be wondering whether he has form for cheating with younger women.

This is absolutely devastating 🥺I would definitely stay clear of the new girlfriend

I have seen stories on here quite often of widowers marrying women who helped around the time their wife died. I can't remember specifically of carers or cleaners but I deffinately remember people mentioning their new stepmothers had been neighbours or aquaintances who were doimg things like bring round caseroles so the man caring for his sick wife did not have to cook. The women would often keep cooking for the man when his wife died.. then the man would sort of decide he liked that woman looking after him. Often posters complained their fathers had left or were planning to leave every penny to the new wife.

Well if they were together for a year and you only really found out because your dad took her into a pub where your DD works I would say that your dad is aware that the relationship is something that most people would be 🤔 about.

I’m sorry OP. I would find this extremely hard and I think your dad needs to respect your feelings on this and give you time

@Santahasjoinedww

She can't be that nice a lady if he had only been grieving 6 weeks. Announcing a year anniversary is in very poor taste. Even if it was surely some things best kept to yourself in these circumstances?

Surely this should be that he's not a very nice man as he had only been grieving his wife for 6 weeks, and that there is a one year anniversary to celebrate in the first place is poor taste on his part. Why is a young woman being judged for the actions of a much older man? He shouldn't need a 26 year old woman to ensure he respected his wife's memory.

@premiumcogd

I had wondered if he's updated his will but I do hope he wouldn't be so stupid. From my very brief facebook scroll, I've seen that she's from Poland and that's where all her family still are. There are pictures of her with her mum when she's visited.

Doesn't look like she's got kids and I fucking hope she's not pregnant already

I'm gonna tell him I need space and ask him to not text me for a while.

OP, yes I’m afraid he would. Not sure what to suggest as this is totally ick, and getting together 6 weeks after your mum passed, is simply grotesque. I would speak to your dad about this. She might just be hanging around for gifts and holidays or she might actually like him - someone her age boasting of a one year anniversary on SM makes me think it might be the latter.

@butterpuffed

Your dad wants to arrange meet ups with the family ? How can he think the girlfriend will be accepted so easily. She probably doesn't love him, men are so gullible.

Men don’t think with their big heads, though, do they? No, they do not. They think with their little heads.

I was referring to op's initial comment that she seems a nice lady. I am sure op has made a reliable assumption of her own df also.