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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dads new girlfriend

132 replies

premiumcogd · 30/01/2022 16:46

Just need a rant. Don't know where to start.

My mum died at the end of December 2020 after a long battle with cancer. She was only 63.

My DD started working in a pub recently. She came home from work last week saying grandad was in today with a woman. I thought that was sweet because I assumed it was his also widowed neighbour. Until DD said she looked young. He introduced this woman to DD as his friend.

He sent me a message that same evening asking me round for coffee at some point last week. I went, and he said that he wanted to let me know that he was seeing someone. If DD hadn't told me already that she'd seen them together I would've been shocked. He didn't say how long they had been seeing each other and I didn't think to ask. He asked if I wanted to meet her, and I said at some point sure. She was at his house within 30 mins.

My first thought is fucking hell you're young. I later find out she's 26. He is 65. He doesn't have loads of money but he's definitely comfortable and does own his house outright.

She seemed nice enough but completely icked me out when she made a joke about being my new stepmum. I am 13 years older than her. And again when I referred to a friend of my DD and she nudged my dad and said "that's a nice baby name". I didn't stay long after that.

She friend requested me on facebook and I accepted. Did some scrolling and didn't go back far before I saw a picture of her and my dad "happy one year anniversary" two weeks ago. What. The. Fuck. We had just had the first anniversary of my mums death 6 weeks ago. Meaning they got together 6 weeks after my mums death??

He still lives in the house he shared with my mum for decades. She had a bit of money in a bank account my dad didn't know about, which all went to him after her death, which he used on a holiday for himself. Turns out she went as well from the pictures on her fb.

I am mortified. I am upset, angry, confused and hurt. I feel like my dads grief over my mums death has all been fake. Or that maybe he spent her final dying weeks giving attention to his young new girlfriend, knowing that soon my mum would be gone and he could have a new life and a new start with her.

He has sent me a few texts since which I've ignored, asking when the whole family is free to properly meet his new girlfriend, as well as asking for a few more dates in the diary for upcoming months where we can all do stuff together. I can't think of anything worse than seeing her or speaking to her or speaking about her. I unfriended her on facebook. I don't want to get to know her and I feel resentment towards both of them. I just want them to fuck off together and leave me out of it

Sorry just needed to rant

OP posts:

CornishTiger · 30/01/2022 17:50

I’d be so so hurt.

However I agree with previous poster. Keep your dad close. Don’t make it easy for her to isolate him.

Rtmhwales · 30/01/2022 17:53

@Thehouseofmarvels

I have seen dozens of stories on mumsnet where a parent dies and the other parent leaves everything to a new spouse or partner. It is very common.

I feel like it's usually the father remarrying. My SIL's mum died in January 2014 after a three week diagnosis of cancer that was unexpected when she'd felt a bit under the weather. SIL's parents had been married 36 years. Her father met someone in April and remarried in August. I can't imagine the pain, but SIL has just gone along with it. They're at 7.5 years of marriage and seem happy. Then again, they were of a similar age. It's still bizarre how quickly some people "move on".

CheesusWept · 30/01/2022 17:53

Do you know how they met?

CovidForChristmas · 30/01/2022 17:55

So did he lie about the holiday and pretend he went alone?

Having a relationship and not disclosing it until he was ready, I could accept.
The speed at which he started to see someone else, I could accept.
The age difference and comments about a new family I’d find highly inappropriate but would try and retain a relationship.
The risk to the estate I would discuss quite openly.

However it’s lying about the holiday that I would find most upsetting.

Don’t forget there is a chance she is a con artist preying on a vulnerable widow. I’d not be too hard on him in case he has been targeted and will potentially be a victim himself.

VioletOcean · 30/01/2022 17:55

For some when a partner has had an illness and died there’s been conversations about finding new relationships. Death is final. Try to be happy for your dad. Remember he cared for you mum in the darkest of times, seen his lover deteriorate before him. Don’t begrudge him a second chance

Bananarama21 · 30/01/2022 17:56

Grim.op I couldn't maintain my anger for my poor dm.

TillyTopper · 30/01/2022 17:59

Gosh OP, I'm so sorry, I am not surprised you are shocked, what a shock for your DD at work too. I think you're right and you need to have head space to sort out how you feel about this. No advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry and it must be an awful shock.

CrabbyAggie · 30/01/2022 18:00

Well he’s an adult and can make his own choices and live with the consequences but that is YUK! an almost 40 years age difference and over a decade younger than his DC. I’d feel disgusted even without the disrespect he’s shown to your Mum’s memory in regards to how quickly he moved on and using her money to take her on holiday. I’m sure your Mum would have preferred he’d used that for a family holiday with his children and grandchildren!

I’m couldn’t stand by and watch this play out with a potential new baby and your inheritance going to a ‘stepmother’ younger than you who is obviously only in it for that and him too stupid to have seen her coming. He’d lose all respect and credibility to me. I’m sure she’ll try to isolate him from you when they marry or she gets pregnant and she knows she’s got him stitched up anyway.

I think I’d have tell him that I know how long they’ve been together, ask if they’re planning on starting a family and say my piece and tell him how upsetting it was. He can’t surely expect you to welcome her with open arms now you know the background? I’d take the chance on him cutting me off because I wouldn’t want to be part of it. I’d make sure he knows that when it crashes and burns I’d be there for him though.

Onthefloor2 · 30/01/2022 18:02

26!!!!
Say goodbye to your inheritance, his gonna marry her and she will take him to the cleaners!
26-what an idiot!!

No point telling him this, he will just think your bitter or not over your mum.

Unsure33 · 30/01/2022 18:03

It’s difficult because if something happened to me I would want my husband to be happy and he is not the sort to cope on his own very well . However I know my daughter would be gutted if he moved on too quickly . It just seems so disrespectful .

And people are vunerable to people looking for their own “ security “ so there is reason to be careful and not alienate him , because then you won’t have a clue what’s going on . In that case the age is irrelevant tbh. A gold digger is a gold digger.

Original poster

premiumcogd · 30/01/2022 18:06

Ahhhh so many of the same concerns

I was so angry now I'm starting to feel scared for him in case he is being conned

I don't know how to bring up the inheritance, it's never been something we've really talked about

I have one sister who lives in Canada that I rarely speak to, we are not close and haven't discussed this. I haven't seen her in years - she couldn't come for the funeral because of covid but she wasn't close to either of my parents either. I assume she will still be in my dads will though.

General advice is to not isolate him, I will try to do that but I do need a little bit of time to myself so I don't have to think about it

I was worried people would be telling me to give her a chance - definitely don't feel bad now about wanting nothing to do with her

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

PearlclutchersInc · 30/01/2022 18:07

My friend's sister died of cancer and much the same happened with her husband - apart from the age gap - but he was trawling dating websites weeks after the funeral.

That said, she was her husband's second wife. He had got together with her weeks after his first wife died, so he had previous.

Roselilly36 · 30/01/2022 18:09

I am so sorry OP, you must feel so distressed in the circumstances. It is fairly common in men that have had good marriages, I have known a few men that have got into relationships very soon after a much loved spouse has passed, as they felt so lonely. It seems much more common In men than women. Please don’t think that your mums memory is defaced in any way. Grief is tough, it’s a journey. Just take each day as it comes, and as hard as it is try not to judge.

I have MS it is very likely I will die before my DH, I genuinely want him to be happy, we have had a great marriage, I would want him to find a new partner, if it made him happy.

dipdye · 30/01/2022 18:09

If she's Polish, she'll be Catholic and want to get married. Especially if she's pregnant.

Or your dad can be sensible (if you can call it that 🙄), keep her as a GF and not marry (and lose all his cash).

2020inhindsight · 30/01/2022 18:10

Grief and loneliness are terrible things and by ignoring his texts etc you will only be pushing him into the arms of this woman. It may be love and it may not be but you need to be around him to protect him. It will be hard for you and frustrating, but knowing someone is taking the piss out of your Dad will be even worse, especially if you could have done something about it. This happened to my friend and she and her brother disowned their Dad. The relationship lasted about a year and the new girlfriend took him for every penny he had through remortgaging the house, expensive holidays etc. It broke their Dad and they ended up picking up the pieces. It was like he was bereaved twice

ufucoffee · 30/01/2022 18:12

An awful thing to find out OP, I know of someone who got married 4 months after the death of his wife. It does seem to be men who do this. With regards to the Will there is nothing you can do about that if he changes it. Also if he marries her it will all go to her anyway won't it? I wouldn't got NC with him, I'd try and find out exactly what's happening, is he being rinsed for instance?

Theblacksheepandme · 30/01/2022 18:14

Your feelings are quite understandable. I would feel hurt and betrayed. If your daughter hadn't seen them would he have even said anything? I certainly would put space between yourself and your Dad for a while. At least until the initial anger and hurt has calmed down. Do not mention age gap, money or anything like this. It may end up in an argument and him not speaking with you.

Onthefloor2 · 30/01/2022 18:14

If I was you, as far as I would be concerned that inheritance has gone anyway! So I would openly talk about it and ask, as you don’t actually have anything to loose do you? She is going to get it.

His not going to let his new girlfriend/wife be homeless upon his death so even if he says the house can’t be sold until she dies and then the money goes to you, well…she is younger than you!!

No point keeping your dad close, his not going to tell you that his popping into town to change his will is he, because he knows it’s wrong but will want to do it for her…..because his in love.

Sorry, best be open about it now and consider it gone-seen this happen lots of times before, it’s unjust.

sleepyhoglet · 30/01/2022 18:14

I'd say befriend the new woman. Keep your enemies close. Find out her intentions and then you might have some proof to show your dad long term.

Inthesameboatatmo · 30/01/2022 18:14

Wow just wow. You use be reeling from all that op. I would feel exactly the same way as you. Sorry no advice but

Thehouseofmarvels · 30/01/2022 18:15

@roselilly36 If you own a property and have kids ask a solicitor to make sure the ownership is tenants in common rather than joint tenants. Then write a will saying your husband can live in your half for his lifetime but after that it must go to your kids. If you do die first this stops any second wife ending up with everything.

AlternativePerspective · 30/01/2022 18:24

The inheritance is already gone, so I would tell him in no uncertain terms what I thought.

its one thing getting together with someone his own age, but let’s be realistic here, a 26 year old going after a 67 year old is a gold digger who is after his money. And chances are if she’s pregnant that’s a deliberate tactic on her part to get her hands on his money.

I would tell him at that point exactly what I thought of him, and of her, I wouldn’t actually want his money at that point so I would tell him that there would be no family get-together while she is on the scene and that if she had a baby I wouldn’t even consider it to be a relation of mine.

Then I would walk away. He’s made his bed.

lucillelarusso · 30/01/2022 18:27

I'm so sorry OP. When DM divorced him F plead poverty and mental health issues etc so she left with nothing, absolutely nothing. He promised the farm they had bought, paid for and run for 40 years was for their 6 DC. Then he shacked up with a woman in her 20s and had 2 children, very quickly. He is utterly miserable as she obviously cheats and lies and is spending him into a black hole. She has never worked, is very glam so no farm work for her either. The DC both have ASD and are neglected so F has to be their main carer. It's a nightmare, I am low contact and have as little to do with any of it as possible. He owes several of my DB thousands. I am so so sorry for your situation. Take care of yourself. I have always said that a man as foolish as this was always going to squander everything and I would never have got anything anyway, it's a healthier way to think.

Thehouseofmarvels · 30/01/2022 18:36

If they had their one year aniversary 2 weeks ago and your mother died one year 6 weeks ago they became official 4 weeks after she died. People normally have a few weeks of dating before they become official so when exactly did they meet?

Original poster

premiumcogd · 30/01/2022 18:42

@Thehouseofmarvels

That was a concern of mine, whether he was already seeing her before my mum passed

Like I said, horrible thought that he spent her final dying weeks seeing someone else and knowing she would be gone soon so that he could start a fresh new relationship and new life with her

OP posts:

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