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Original poster

I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

401 replies

User234937 · 28/01/2022 06:58

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Abbo552 · 28/01/2022 11:31

@SleepingDoglets

To those suggesting posters are being nasty because he’s a man - do you not think that we are going to use our own situations to deduce what’s going on, given the vagueness of the op’s posts?

It’s a tale as old as time. Men gonna man.

WTF ! This forum is full of threads from women saying EXACTLY the same thing, don’t fancy my husband any more, starting for the kids etc, etc, the response is never

“Well women are gonna women “
Jeez, what is wrong with some people

BillMasen · 28/01/2022 11:37

@SleepingDoglets

To those suggesting posters are being nasty because he’s a man - do you not think that we are going to use our own situations to deduce what’s going on, given the vagueness of the op’s posts?

It’s a tale as old as time. Men gonna man.

Wow So you’re actually advocating projecting your own circumstances onto someone’s post to fill in blanks and come to a conclusion, rather than wait and see if/when the gaps get filled by the op

Never seen anyone be this blatant before

Plantagenous · 28/01/2022 11:37

Having seen your update. You need to find a way to separate that means your DC can continue to receive the tailored schooling.

In any event you need to have an adult conversation with your wife and tell her how you feel. This is no life for either of you and it isn't a dress rehearsal! Between you, you might be able to find a way for you to both move on, find partners that are more suited and this miserable half life can be ended.

BillMasen · 28/01/2022 11:38

@SleepingDoglets

Why would he post? I imagine because he is certain he’s right.
And this. Nasty and you’d never say that to a woman posting

Sometimes I think mn is getting better regarding double standards, sometimes a thread like this comes along…

Tamworth123 · 28/01/2022 11:42

Why do you think you're no longer attracted to her?

Velvian · 28/01/2022 11:44

I think you're being a bit passive about this @User234937. I can compliment people I don't fancy for a start: "That top really suits you", "your hair looks nice like that..."

Does your wife have the time and freedom to be interesting? I think she may become attractive to you if she gets involved in some outside interests. If she has the funds for decent clothes and self care.

It is nowhere near the same (I'm guessing due to lack of info) as women posting about their DP/DHs being unattractive. These are often men that refuse to wash or clean their teeth, leave skidmarks in the toilet, underwear, sheets. Envy

If you want to separate OP, look up 'nesting' it may be a way to separate without oo much disruption to your DC. You need to discuss this with your wife though, don't present her with a fait accompli 6 months done the line.

Plantagenous · 28/01/2022 11:47

The OP is just being honest.

He feels what he feels and is expressing himself. Keeping this sort of stuff in is bad for everyone.

veevee04 · 28/01/2022 11:48

My honest advice if you want it to work and not divorce , make sure she has some time to herself to groom etc make sure she's not depressed.

If you are currently watching porn all the time and wanking TURN IT OFF there are studies that say the more porn men watch the less attracted they feel to their spouse and more picky about her appearance.

LaChanticleer · 28/01/2022 11:49

Anyway the brutal truth is that if it were not for the children (5 & 8) we would have broken up long ago.

Hmmmmmm, I hear this a fair bit from men. They're all gung-ho for marriage 0 they propose, even!

Then 10 years later, they change the story.

Oh, I never really wanted to be married.

I think a lot of men need to man up and take responsibility for their feelings and actions. @User234937 this includes you - you seem very passive, and not taking responsibility for your decisions.

Having children - pregnancy, labour, the relentlessness of children - takes a huge amount from women.

What is it specifically that has changed for you?

LaChanticleer · 28/01/2022 11:50

Does your wife have the time and freedom to be interesting? I think she may become attractive to you if she gets involved in some outside interests. If she has the funds for decent clothes and self care.

And this.

MimiDaisy11 · 28/01/2022 11:51

Why have you lost attraction? Does she not pay attention to appearance? Does she act differently?

SleepingDoglets · 28/01/2022 11:52

Women get just as harsh replies when they post something shallow and thin on details.

The posts I’ve seen here in relationships though tend to have back stories - no longer finds husband attractive, oh and for years he’s prioritised gaming/friends/hobbies.

This post is different, the tone, the lack of detail, posting in a predominantly female environment.

How does anyone advise if not from their own experience? Isn’t that what MN is all about?

Feel free to ignore whatever I’ve said, please don’t let it ruin your day, but I am entitled to my opinion, and given the huge number of women I’ve seen in this situation, I’m happy to stand by it.

SocialConnection · 28/01/2022 11:55

What's the dynamic here? Does she have a job too? Full time stay at home mum? How much do you do at home? How did pregnancy treat her mind and body? Is she OK? Does she need help? Could you do more, giving her more time to herself? Does she get time for any outside interests, time for self care and doing things for herself?

We don't know.

WonderfulYou · 28/01/2022 12:03

Having seen your update. You need to find a way to separate that means your DC can continue to receive the tailored schooling.

I assume they wouldn’t be able to afford it because right now they’re only paying one lot of rent and utility bills, whereas if they separate they’ll have to pay two lots of rent and bills so will have a lot less disposable income.
Unless they both get bigger paying jobs then I can’t see how they can afford it if they don’t have the money coming in.

georgarina · 28/01/2022 12:05

I didn't look or feel very fanciable with young kids when I was doing all the work and was flat out exhausted.

Is childcare 50/50?

Is it possible that if you gave her time to feel more human, you could see her in a different light?

You haven't given context for this but it's very common that women do most/all of the childcare with no break for self-care and are then coincidentally seen as less fanciable.

BillMasen · 28/01/2022 12:05

“How does anyone advise if not from their own experience? Isn’t that what MN is all about?”

Yes this is true, but what’s not right for me is where people simply project their own experience to assume (or make up) things and then advise based on that

Or simply, “he’s a man, mine cheated, therefore yours must be too, therefore you must do this!”

It’s very different from “you’ve said this, my experience is this, I know yours is different to mine but I’d advise this”

Some posters on this thread have done the former

BillMasen · 28/01/2022 12:06

@WonderfulYou

Having seen your update. You need to find a way to separate that means your DC can continue to receive the tailored schooling.

I assume they wouldn’t be able to afford it because right now they’re only paying one lot of rent and utility bills, whereas if they separate they’ll have to pay two lots of rent and bills so will have a lot less disposable income.
Unless they both get bigger paying jobs then I can’t see how they can afford it if they don’t have the money coming in.

One poster thinks he should live in a bed sit to make that happen
WonderfulYou · 28/01/2022 12:06

I also think ‘why’ he’s not attracted to her is irrelevant.

Yes people will be more sympathetic if she didn’t wash or brush her teeth etc but even if she looked like a supermodel and spent thousands keeping up her appearance it shouldn’t matter.

There are many threads on here about getting the ‘ick’ and the replies are usually - once you feel that way there’s no going back.

Itsnotdeep · 28/01/2022 12:11

I agree, he's getting a hard time. The truth is the attraction has gone, and it won't come back. We know that from all the "ick" posts. It isn't his fault, and it probably isn't hers. And an assumption upthread that he doesn't fancy her because she's aged is just unfair.

OP, I think you need to split up. Life is too short to live in a relationship that's run it's course. You both deserve a more fulfilling relationship. You will find a way to support your children - but staying in a relationship for the children isn't the right thing to do.

Northernparent68 · 28/01/2022 12:14

The op does n’t come across very well but it’s no worse than I’ve got the ick threads

ReadtheFT · 28/01/2022 12:21

I would want to know if my husband no longer fancied me and why, and would do my best to rectify that. Some time people in long term relationships let themselves go more then they mean to, it happens. Not sure why OP is getting all those snarky replies.
OP would be easier to answer if you actually gave any details

Benjispruce5 · 28/01/2022 12:22

It does matter why. It could be a temporary change, a physical or mental change or something else.Sounds like he wants a lot of women to back him so he feels less guilty. Why hasn’t he come back to explain why?

girlmom21 · 28/01/2022 12:30

@Northernparent68

The op does n’t come across very well but it’s no worse than I’ve got the ick threads
It's definitely better than the "my husbands got fat and gross" threads. Funnily enough the people being horrible to the OP are the same ones who join in insulting those husbands.
Nsky · 28/01/2022 12:31

Mad that lots of pretty/ attractive women up with ugly men, they must love their characters, maybe you could the same?

DrSbaitso · 28/01/2022 12:34

Funnily enough the people being horrible to the OP are the same ones who join in insulting those husbands.

Are they? You must have a really excellent memory.