I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

[User234937]

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

OP have you started ‘fancying’ other women?

It isn't his fault, and it probably isn't hers.
And an assumption upthread that he doesn't fancy her because she's aged is just unfair.

I agree and I think the wife would be pretty insulted by the posts saying he needs to take over more of the childcare and chores etc so she can go to the gym, get her hair done etc so she can be more attractive to him - maybe she’s perfectly happy with how she looks.

Plus, it doesn't matter what she looks like because, as always, when a man is mentally out the door, it's because there's someone else, or potentially someone else.

You could set your watch by them.

I agree and I think the wife would be pretty insulted by the posts saying he needs to take over more of the childcare and chores etc so she can go to the gym, get her hair done etc so she can be more attractive to him - maybe she’s perfectly happy with how she looks.

Maybe she's perfectly happy but it is common for a woman to take 100% of the responsibility for childcare and not have any time to herself to feel human. It makes a lot of people feel better in themselves to go to the gym and get their hair done. And in the process they mysteriously become more 'fanciable.'

My friends compliment me, I’m pretty certain they don’t fancy me.

Well it's deeper that really isn't it? Initial attraction and raw fancying and physical longing someone does wear off. Infatuation shifts into something more profound and deeper - love, respect and friendship. The real question is whether your love for her has died, whether that deeper care and affection has gone. Attraction can shift and change. But if the love is gone it's likely gone for good.

If you're just wanting a fancying relationship you might find that long term relationships aren't for you.

@PleasantBirthday

Plus, it doesn't matter what she looks like because, as always, when a man is mentally out the door, it's because there's someone else, or potentially someone else.

You could set your watch by them.

Ffs

I don't think this can be that unusual. Lots of women look very different at 40/50 to how they did at 20 - look at Bridget Fonda as a case in point! I would stay for the kids I have to say but I do understand your dilemma

@CrimbleCrumble1

OP have you started ‘fancying’ other women?

Such a good question.

Having a special needs child can be really draining and that can take its toll on a relationship. How much support to both of you get not just from each other, but from friends, family, school, etc? Or do you both feel exhausted and strung out from trying to manage everything day to day, and maybe that's come between you?

Unfortunately you haven't given sufficient detail here so it's hard to tell if you like and respect your wife enough to make this relationship worth working on. Or if you don't fancy her because your libido is low, or because your head has been turned by the fantasy of someone else.

Regardless, you need to be honest with your wife, if possible without being brutal. The two of you might decide to remain together, hopefully with counselling to help you rekindle feelings of affection for each other.

But it's certainly going to be miserable and hollow if you communicate as little, and as defensively, to your wife as you're doing here.

Oh look, he's not come back

@heelforheelandtoefortoe

Oh look, he's not come back

I’m not surprised after some of the nasty responses

I hope he’s managed to read some of the many threads the other way round and taken some advice from those.

There must be a specific reason you do not fancy her any more.

What is it ?

Has she gianed weight, lost her teeth, how can you actually stop finding her attractive, your children don't sound too old, how could she change so much in your eyes that you got to the point of swearing undying love to finding her so repulsive that you have to post on an internet forum and have to admit to lying through your teeth to give a compliment.

I'm not bashing you, I just find it hard to understand.

There has to be a reason, you have given no reason.

I'm a bit overwhelmed with the sheer volume of responses. I'm also a bit shocked by the fairly cynical and unforgiving nature of some of the people on this site.

I'm even getting criticised for not replying quickly enough! That's an easy one: I'm at work.

To clarify:
No, she's not got fat.
No, I've not had an affair and I'm not planning on it.

No, no-one has 'caught my eye'
Do I fancy other women: of course! Any man who tells you that once he's married he suddenly stops finding Margot Robbie attractive is lying.
What's changed - I suppose it's probably just ageing, time isn't kind to any of us.
We do occasionally go out for dinner just the two of us but the spark definitely left the building some years ago.

My take on it is I have made some poor life choices, and I have to live with the consequences. But I want my kids to have the best opportunities and the best life I can give them, and if I can paper over the cracks in the marriage until they've left home, then I'm prepared to sacrifice my own happiness. The problem is I'm kind of also sacrificing her long-term happiness too.

It's no critical to give you responses from a woman's perspective.. Please don't string her along til the DC leave school and then end it.

That's absolutely the worst option.

Let her go now, or, let her know that the marriage has no longevity so that she can get back to work.

I've done OLD in my 40s, no idea what age you are, but it's grim. So many very ordinary men all feeling entitled to a young beauty.

I think you should let your wife go, but also, before you get back out there, take a long hard honest look at yourself. And good luck with Margot Robbie!

(That's a joke before you think I'm being too hard on you)

It would be cruel to "paper over the cracks" until the children left home.

Are you able to talk with your wife about how you are feeling?

I don't think you need to come out and say that you no longer find her attractive(!) but you could talk about the spark no longer being there and discuss how you as a couple plan to manage this whilst being the best parents you can be for your children.

She's aged ?!! Are you loads younger than her? . No you need to let her go now don't wait until the kids leave home you are being selfish and making her live a lie.

I think you need to think to yourself whether your wife fancies you anymore. Have you had an honest discussion about it. If the spark has gone and it's nothing more than getting older she might feel the same.

I'm even getting criticised for not replying quickly enough! That's an easy one: I'm at work.

So don’t start a conversation if you haven’t got the time to be meaningfully involved in it.

And you still haven’t said anything at all about the general state of your relationship or why you think it’s got this way.

You need to do some soul-searching.

Don’t, FFS, ‘paper over the cracks’.
Do the proper hard work of being in the relationship your wife deserves.

@BlackeyedSusan

What did you like about her when you fancied her?

What do you still like about her?

Is there a way to rekindle that? Have you put the effort in? Love changes over time, more towards long term companionship but still with a spark...

Has someone else caught your eye or are you comparing to idealised relationships?

I would advise working on the relationship first before jumping to divorce. Relationships need effort to maintain. There is a happy medium between buggering off at the first sign of trouble and living in a joyless marriage for decades.

"There is a happy medium between buggering off at the first sign of trouble and living in a joyless marriage for decades." - I quite agree. Lots of people here are shouting "Divorce" which does feel a bit premature.

"I would advise working on the relationship first before jumping to divorce."
That's kind of my point. I do want to work at it, to keep it alive.

The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive.

How do I do that?

What's changed - I suppose it's probably just ageing, time isn't kind to any of us.

Are you literally saying your attraction to your wife was all based on how she looked?

Not on personality?

The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive.

Rediscover the attraction.
What made you fall in love?

You haven't said she's gained weight you said she's aged which is just going to get worse as she gets older none of us get younger so I don't see how you could be attracted to her again. Let her go she probably won't want to be with you if you told her how you really felt.

If you want to work at it that’s great

But that involves talking, acknowledging where you could have done more, listening, and changing. For both of you

It’s not papering over the cracks, sacrificing your happiness or just keeping quiet

Well, why exactly don't you find her attractive? I assume you did once. What changed?