I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

[User234937]

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

I don't agree with all the other replies, probably because I can relate in that I don't fancy my husband. I've never physically fancied him really, I was attracted to his personality and the sex was surprisingly really good despite the lack of physical attraction, it was a slow burner, unlike other relationships I'd had where I found my partner's physically attractive but didn't like their personality. I personally don't need it even like physical compliments, and if my partner was demanding them I'd find it really off putting. If relationships could only survive if the partner was physically attractive, then relationships would all have an age expiry and only beautiful people would be married.

I think some of the replies are unfair and would have been totally different if you were a woman.
You can’t help the way you feel and it’s perfectly valid not to be in love with your partner anymore. Of course it will hurt her but personally I think you’re best to be honest. Can you suggest counselling? Try and make time to re-connect? Lying is the most hurtful thing, if everything is not ok don’t pretend it is. And I agree with the poster saying many men who do this end up having an affair. A full affair or an emotional one which they consider ‘not cheating’ because it hasn’t involved full sexual contact. That’s the worse thing you can do to her, far more hurtful and damaging than being honest

Well she obviously knows something is wrong so you’re doing no one any favours if you’re not being open and honest with her about how you feel. It’s not just your decision to stay together for the kids, she should have a say too and an opportunity to choose together how to move forward - either as co-parents apart or as a married couple.

@Campervangirl

You don't "fancy" your wife, she's not a slice of cake or a piece of cheese to "fancy".

What about her good points, kind person, great mother, faithful partner, hard worker, great housekeeper?

Tell her that you don't "fancy" her anymore and you'll crush her but otoh if you divorce her she'll be free to find someone who does fancy her.

It does sound like she still loves you and is probably crying out for some attention hense her need for compliments.

Btw you don't happen to have a female friend / colleague / gym partner lurking in the background do you #justasking

Good point re another lurking attraction.

Agree with the posters saying leave her. She deserves better.

You can't compliment her on anything else? Physical attraction is the only important thing here?

Do you still like your wife OP?

There is another option that would make more sense is to think back to what attracted you to her in the first place. It's easy to lose the being a couple when you have kids and start distancing yourself from each other.

So I would look at spending some quality time together. Often mums put themselves at the bottom of priorities so self care, exercise etc gets lost.

So I would make sure that your wife has time to herself and that you schedule in some fun stuff together.

It is pointless resigning yourself to a sexless/attractionless marriage or divorcing without at least trying to fix it.

But your wife is still the same fun/ineteresting/sexy etc person she was when you decided to marry, it is just that kids and life have taken over.

@User234937

Wow, this has generated an awful lot of interest.

Apologies if 'fancy' is a bit crude for some. Perhaps I should have said "no longer attracted to".

Anyway the brutal truth is that if it were not for the children (5 & 8) we would have broken up long ago.

One of our children has behavioural and learning problems, and we are lucky enough to afford to send him to a private school which is really nurturing.

If we get divorced, there's no way we would be able to afford that, and in a state school he'd sink without trace.

So I suppose I'm still here because doing so feels like the right thing to do for the kids. They get a far better life than they otherwise would.

Havjng a child with any additional needs outs a huge strain on a marriage and takes up focus.

Only you can know whether it is worth a try at putting some investment back into you two as a couple. Do you care about her? ‘Not attracted to’ doesn’t tell us that either way?

Do you actively dislike her and want to feel free of her?

If you really want your children to be nurtured, then surely it is worth a shoot my trying to recapture some teamwork and closeness? Do you ever get time alone? Go out for a meal? A weekend away?

Or are your eyes straying elsewhere?

You really are not telling us anything that can help any meaningful advice!

I definitely wouldn’t tell her you don’t find her attractive anymore - as that will impact her confidence massively and there’s no reason to hurt her.

However I would definitely have a proper talk with her and explain how you don’t think it’s working out. Explain there’s no one else but you don’t want to spend your life in an unhappy marriage. Say what you said about your child’s school and just be honest that you don’t know what to do - she will be upset but she’ll also understand why you have been acting off.

@User234937 could you find some way to spend some 1 on 1 time with your wife doing something exciting? Perhaps get a babysitter/ask relatives if they'll have the kids and then do something really exciting like white water rafting, or spending a long weekend somewhere beautiful like Paris. It doesn't even have to be something expensive, just an activity that is new to you both and gets you to work together.

It's completely normal not to always fancy your wife, attraction naturally ebbs and flows in a long term relationship. If everyone divorced their partner when the attraction dipped, then most people would be divorced multiple times throughout their life.

As long as the relationship isn't abusive, then wholeheartedly I recommend giving it a good go. Here are some useful TEd talks on the subject: ,

Remember that separation is the go-to advice on this forum no matter the situation, so consider responses about splitting up with a pinch of salt

Even people who are not attractive can look good for themselves when wearing something nice or after a haircut. Is it really beyond you to say that? If it is then I do not think you can love her at all and have become quite bitter.

Do remember that almost everyone’s looks will fade with age and think about the future.

Well, you could divorce and still sink every penny you have into your child's education. You are allowed to fully finance your child even if you aren't with the mother.

Yes you'd have to maintain a home each but with cutbacks it may be doable. You only need a 2 bed flat for example.

Or a one bed and you can sleep on the sofa when the kids come to visit

Or rent a room because your disabled child's needs must be prioritised.

Or you could fight hard for funding for your child to attend the school that meets his needs

You don't have to leave and pay the minimum legal child support.

You have options.

People might be able to give advice if you answer the questions about whether you love her, what you love about her, the effort the two of you make, whether someone else has caught your eye etc.

@User234937

Honesty is the best policy
Tell her how you feel and divorce her
Life is too short

Maybe not she wants to hear but the decent thing to do and she'll realise that in time and appreciate your honesty

Wow the double standards on here are incredible, if a woman was posting there would be much more support, your getting slaughtered because your a man saying something people don’t want to hear (even if it’s true)

You need to be open and honest with your wife about your feelings, and how you see the future, you both deserve to be happy, not just one or neither of you (which is what is currently sounds like).

Good luck with moving forward, have you thought about marriage counselling to address your issues?
But ultimately divorce might be the best option

To those suggesting posters are being nasty because he’s a man - do you not think that we are going to use our own situations to deduce what’s going on, given the vagueness of the op’s posts?

It’s a tale as old as time. Men gonna man.

As others have said, I think you need to look at the reason WHY you feel like this, and decide what to do from there. I am assuming when you first met, and when you married her, you fancied her? Has her appearance changed since then? Has she perhaps gained a lot of weight and this is putting you off? (I know I'll probably get flamed for that, obviously larger ladies are just attractive as slimmer ones, but weight gain can negatively affect someone's appearance to their partner). If it is something you can pinpoint causing you not to feel the same about her, then you need to find a way around this. Sadly neither option is a good one, you either tell her (obv in the most tactful way possible), or you leave if it is really that bad.

Or, is it just you are bored and there is no excitement anymore with kids and settled married life? I ask this kindly, but have you had your head turned by someone, and this new exciting crush has brought home how you feel about your wife? If this is it, why don't you try to bring the excitment back with your wife? Have you had any date nights or weekends away? Maybe you both could do with one if you can access child care? Life married with kids can get boring at times, and if you are both caught up in everyday life and it's problems, the spark can easily disappear. Then, you see a woman you fancy or develop a crush on which is all new and ignites something.in you which makes you think you don't fancy your wife in comparison to the 'excitement' of your crush.

Maybe you just need to get that spark back, and look at why you feel how you do?

Tbh she probably doesn’t fancy
You either.

Sorry I didn't mean to write such an essay 🤣

@SleepingDoglets

To those suggesting posters are being nasty because he’s a man - do you not think that we are going to use our own situations to deduce what’s going on, given the vagueness of the op’s posts?

It’s a tale as old as time. Men gonna man.

Why would he post then? Why doesn't he just cheat and justify himself. It's unfair to tar all men with the same brush. Just answer the OP's question at face value, don't make up rubbish!

I’m not convinced it’s double standards.
Men and women tend to behave differently within a marriage. Who takes on the mental load. Who does the majority of childcare. Who takes on more when there’s a disability in the mix.
The wife.
Of course not all men, but I’ve yet to meet a man equally invested in his family and household maintenance.

If you divorce her do not tell her that is because you do not don’t her attractive anymore. This would be just cruel. However, unless you are very young and sex is very important for you. I would make an effort to stay in a loving family a bit longer for the kids sake. You need to evaluate everything. Divorce May leave worse off in every aspect even your looks. It is very stressful and wealth is divided in half so there is that too.

If you go down the honesty route there's no reason why your children should suffer OP. Treat her with kindness respect dignity and yes, love - you can love someone platonically and go forward as friends. Work out a way for your children's lives to NOT change too much.

When affairs and years of dishonesty happen most damage occurs.

Why would he post?
I imagine because he is certain he’s right.