Page 7 | I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 28/01/2022 10:20

@Thirtytimesround

1. If you don’t fancy your wife because she used to be younger, thinner and hotter with an exciting career, and now is older, wider and less hot, with no career, then you only ever connected in a superficial way, which is very shallow and maybe you should get some therapy to try to become a better person, while discussing divorce so she can find someone who actually loves her for herself.

If you don’t fancy your wife because she’s stopped making an effort ie has hairy legs and chin and has worn the same foodstained PJs for the past year, maybe talk to her about how you can both make more of an effort. Date nights, buying her nice clothes etc. And bear in mind that these change can imply depression. The pandemic has been miserable…

If you don’t fancy your wife because you fell in love with the person she was, eg fun loving and mischievous, but now she’s grumpy and moany, maybe explore the reasons she changed and try taking a holiday / hobby together.

You didn’t say anything about love. If you loved your wife, you’d also desire her. Sounds like either you never really loved her, or one of you has changed.

I don’t buy this not wanting to give false compliments thing. There must be something about her you can compliment. Do her wya sparkle when she smiles? Is her hair nice? Does she have cool socks? Is she a grat driver / patient mum? Sounds like you are chipping away at her confidence by withholding affection.

Men don't fancy someone because of their career. And it's not superficial to be visually stimulated by your partner, that's how attraction begins.

Anyhow, I was in the same position, we divorced.

entropynow · 28/01/2022 10:20

@CupOfNiceTea

Is this all there is to marriage: ”fancy”?

Apparently.

SIGH. As for the poster whose oh greets her with "hello sexy" - eurgh. I'd rather be a person, thanks.

trickytimes · 28/01/2022 10:20

Your kids private school? What a cop out. You’re being a lazy coward and you know it. You’ve got decades of schooling ahead of you both. You need another option. One of you move to an area where there is a free small nurturing special school that does suit. Get on the Internet and do your research. Staying put is not an option. Everybody else splits up and makes it work. What makes you so different? Are you waiting for an exit affair? Do the right thing.

astoundedgoat · 28/01/2022 10:21

I do think you need marriage counselling.

To be blunt, I have a lot of faith in the infinity of the male sex drive (for most men), so for you not to want to have sex with her you have either got a very low sex drive (do you?), or your wife - with whom you presumably USED to want lots of sex with - has changed in some way. She's started thinking Nigel Farage is actually a hugely insightful modern thinker, or she has physically changed significantly, or maybe - and this is the most likely - since having two children, one of whom has extra needs, you have less fun together and you don't associate her with having a brilliant time the way you used to.

Has she been largely at home with them over lockdown?

How is her career right now?

Do you think she is happy?

What about her tiredness levels?

Is she feeling overwhelmed or exhausted?

Is she depressed about how her career has stalled since having the children and then lockdown?

Does she feel that she does the lion's share of the emotional labour of having a child with extra needs?

All of these things make her less "exciting" to live with, make her less likely to to be as physically fit (I don't mean thin) as she probably was 9 years ago, make her conversation less sparkling than it was that night in that bar in Thailand on your first holiday together.... but each and every one of those things is something that you have the power to help with if you ask her what she needs.

If she is happy, professionally and emotionaly fulfilled and rested and knows you have her back, and gets to do lots of non-child things with you, you have every chance of getting your marriage back on track, and fancying the knickers off her every day.

I have a strong traditional streak in me, and the idea of getting divorced just because you don't think your wife is as sexy as you used to is dreadful to me. You're at a tricky and tiring point in your marriage. You need to work at it.

Zilla1 · 28/01/2022 10:22

HNRTT but if there are two DC, one with additional needs then let's hope your high standards and moral integrity concerning not telling lies extends to parenting your children sufficiently that you and your DP both have the same amount of downtime to sleep, relax, go to the gym, spend time on personal care and appearance. Do you do an equal share of cooking, laundry, cleaning, shopping and child care, taking into account paid work or do you see spending time on that 'helping out' rather than parenting?

trickytimes · 28/01/2022 10:23

He’s waiting until a childfree younger woman comes along and gives him endless blow jobs. Come on. It’s a time old story. Then it will be the classic “I haven’t been happy for years and our marriage was always a sham” blimey. We can see it in action already. Your poor wife deserves better from you than this shit show

Dishwashersaurous · 28/01/2022 10:24

When did you stop being attracted to her?

Is it just that life has ground you both down.

You need to prioritise your relationship and see if you can gain it back. Eg weekly date nights out, spending time together just the two of you. Weekend away etc.

If that doesn't work after nine months or so. Then get a divorce

ifonly4 · 28/01/2022 10:26

It doesn't sound like it's easy for you. Putting aside fancying, do you love her and genuinely care (ie you drop everything now if she needed you because you'd be worried for her but not because you feel obliged)?If so, and you intend to stay with her, I think it's a case of making it work. Find times to do nice things (even with the family) but also time together if only for a walk or making a meal for her (even if a ready meal and salad if you'd struggle to cook) - things you can just enjoy together.
We can all pay eachother compliments, ie your hair looks nice after a cut, I like your new top - it suits you etc (doesn't necessarily have to be you've got a fantastic pair of legs).

Chasingaftermidnight · 28/01/2022 10:28

How much time does she get to look after herself?

I don’t know whether this is happening in your marriage but I’ve seen the following happen time and time again. Husband works wife into the ground by not pulling his weight and allows her no time for herself for exercise, sleep, etc. Unsurprisingly, this lifestyle takes a toll on wife’s appearance. Husband decides he no longer fancies wife and fucks off.

I have a friend who was in exactly this situation. Once she and her husband divorced and he actually had to do his share of parenting, she started to have time to exercise, get her hair done, eat properly and sleep. Within a few months she looked amazing and her ex wanted her back. Naturally she wasn’t keen.

Sittingonabench · 28/01/2022 10:30

The best thing is the option not written which is to talk to her and see if you can work together to resolve it or to put it in perspective of your marriage as a whole. Marriages are a lot of work and you seem to feel a strong sense of duty which is great but I suspect many marriages go through similar waning of affections especially with young children. Being honest with her, maybe suggesting marriage counselling, more private time together or even a bit of distance every now and then can help. Some people lose themselves in marriage or parenthood and most people change with these experiences. What did you find attractive about her when you married? It’s probably still there but is just buried under other duties. Also it can be that other things you are unhappy about is being projected on to her unfairly. Taking care of small children takes time and sacrifice and can cause resentment in couples. Sometimes there’s a way forward together and sometimes there isn’t but it’s something you should discuss together and the last thing that will help is her feeling unattractive as that will impact her self confidence.

Jjjayfee · 28/01/2022 10:31

Does she fancy you? In my experience, some unattractive men get partners and then think they could do better for themselves.

ScatteredMama82 · 28/01/2022 10:33

@User234937

Wow, this has generated an awful lot of interest.

Apologies if 'fancy' is a bit crude for some. Perhaps I should have said "no longer attracted to".

Anyway the brutal truth is that if it were not for the children (5 & 8) we would have broken up long ago.

One of our children has behavioural and learning problems, and we are lucky enough to afford to send him to a private school which is really nurturing.

If we get divorced, there's no way we would be able to afford that, and in a state school he'd sink without trace.

So I suppose I'm still here because doing so feels like the right thing to do for the kids. They get a far better life than they otherwise would.

You haven't said what's changed though. Did you never feel attracted to her? Having young children affects most marriages, and if one of your children has additional needs I imagine that is even more so for you. How do you get along day to day? Do you have a sexual relationship? I'm not trying to be nosy, but there are lots of factors at play here. Lots of people telling you to end it, but you came for advice.

PleasantBirthday · 28/01/2022 10:38

I don't understand why men write these things looking for permission to have an affair with whomever has caught their eye. We can't give you that permission, OP. You know what the right thing to do is.

Wondergirl100 · 28/01/2022 10:39

If you are doing this for your children - then your wife needs to be aware of how you feel - she may have solutions/ suggestions/ ways of making a separation work. She needs to be given all the information so she can decide how to proceed. perhaps she will want to leave you immediately.

Polyputthekettleon · 28/01/2022 10:40

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

Quite a strange start to a thread. Sounds a lot like the start of a column in the gutter press.

BillMasen · 28/01/2022 10:42

@trickytimes

He’s waiting until a childfree younger woman comes along and gives him endless blow jobs. Come on. It’s a time old story. Then it will be the classic “I haven’t been happy for years and our marriage was always a sham” blimey. We can see it in action already. Your poor wife deserves better from you than this shit show

Yet another shitty response that wouldn’t get written to a woman…

PurpleDaisies · 28/01/2022 10:43

@PleasantBirthday

I don't understand why men write these things looking for permission to have an affair with whomever has caught their eye. We can't give you that permission, OP. You know what the right thing to do is.

Where have you got that from?

BillMasen · 28/01/2022 10:44

@PleasantBirthday

I don't understand why men write these things looking for permission to have an affair with whomever has caught their eye. We can't give you that permission, OP. You know what the right thing to do is.

And another!

You’ve just made that up haven’t you. He’s never mentioned that, you’ve just decided it

CaMePlaitPas · 28/01/2022 10:44

Get over yourself OP.

PleasantBirthday · 28/01/2022 10:44

Where have you got that from?

From literally not having come down in the last shower.

spikesonbuildings · 28/01/2022 10:45

Being as you have decided to stay in a marriage which is a lie, and are effectively lying to your wife by staying in it (as if she is asking for compliments she clearly thinks you are married in more than just name), then I am struggling to see why you moral conscience is forbidding you from lying to your wife by telling her you think she looks nice.

You are treating your wife like a commodity you can use to facilitate a wider goal, and you have such disrespect for her you aren't even seeking her agreement on her commodification.

Benjispruce5 · 28/01/2022 10:48

Why did you commit to someone you’re not attracted to? I don’t think that’s fair. If you were once, what has happened to change that? Do you want to be with someone else and is that making you find fault with your wife? Do you not love her even though you don’t fancy her at the moment? Seems very trivial reason to break up a family tbh. Massively life changing for your children.

HairyDad · 28/01/2022 10:50

I was in the same position with my ex wife, and tbh I think she was the same with me. I hit rock bottom so I went to a private counsellor. It took months of counselling for me to realise that I needed to leave her. It was the best decision I ever made, but I needed help to make sure I had thought it through properly and was not just a knee-jerk reaction. Nearly 5 years on, myself and my ex have met new partners which we love to bits. It is a very daunting prospect of leaving someone, you feel guilty (10x more if you have kids together) but that's life. You are not doing yourself or your wife any good by continuing in this way.

That said, don't just leave without talking about it properly. And I really mean all cards on the table. Use as many help topics as you can i.e. talk about feelings, don't use or encourage accusationary language. It might be that you re-kindle your relationship but you have to try first. If it still doesn't work then go your separate ways, just try to do it rationally and respectfully

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/01/2022 10:51

I think you should get a divorce. She deserves the chance to find true happiness and love for herself.

The whole 'staying together for the sake of the children' schtick doesn't cover cowardice.

BillMasen · 28/01/2022 10:52

@CaMePlaitPas

Get over yourself OP.

Fucks sake

Far too many nasty posters on this thread