I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

[User234937]

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

So you still haven't said anything about what attracted you to your wife in the first place. Do you like and respect her as a person, and vice versa? Do you feel you can trust each other?

Is it possible to reframe how you look at your marriage? Is your marriage a "poor life choice" that now you must pay for, or can your view be more like "long-term relationships go through periods when there's less spark and excitement, especially when you have the challenges of parenting a SN child, but we have a solid foundation and could rebuild the connection between us if we put in the effort"?

By "ageing" do you mean you don't fancy your wife anymore now that she is older and you feel more interested in younger women? Or did you mean that the relationship itself feels old and stale?

None of us know the right answer for you, OP, but it's worth considering that if you remain together "for the kids" and then split up as soon as they're out of school (or whatever milestone you choose), that can have a devastating effect on them emotionallythey may realize that you were holding your dead marriage together for their sake and feel guilty and burdened by thatin addition to having the "staying in a dead marriage" relationship model normalized for them. Be very wary of this.

OTOH, if you and your wife can still feel affection and respect for each otherjust maybe less sex and excitement than you'd like?maybe it's not as much of a "dead marriage" after all and you can model something more positive for your children, either while remaining together or splitting amicably. I can't tell from your posts.

I think if it was me I’d try and arrange a weekend away doing some shared fun activities to see if there is still even a glimmer of a spark there. Also do you ever go out with other couples as seeing your wife having a laugh with others could help you get the spark back. You may look at her in another light.
If these things don’t work then you should divorce. Do think about the ageing issue and what you will do if you remarry, I can’t imagine you’ll want to keep getting divorced every 10 years.

You need to try and re find the spark, and enjoy spending time in each others company.

You need to really dedicate effort to having fun together

Your only worry is that she has ”aged”, what to do you want from us, find a youth potion?
Start watching (not lusting) people around your age. And see what reality is like.

Do you like her personality?

Has that changed?

The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive.

I think you're sort of looking at this backwards. The spark has gone, you've both aged, and you seem to think that if you can fix the "we've both aged" problem you can fix the marriage problem. You've got kids, one of whom has additional needs. You've (presumably) got jobs and whatever other demands on your time. You've had occasional spark-less dinners. Can you discuss first with your wife then make plans to do something together as the two of you, without any pressure to fancy each other or rekindle any sparks, just to find out whether you like spending time together? Weekend away just the two of you somewhere you want to go, no pressure to be romantic? Joint DIY project? Learn a new skill together? If it really falls flat then you might have to look at separating your lives out but at least you will have made a positive step in finding out.

OP do you think you’ll fancy Margot Robbie when she’s 15 years older? Are you attracted to any women in their 40’s and 50’s?

Erinaceus makes a good point.

It's parallel to a talk about motivation I watched recently. Speaker said that we often think of motivation as something we need to have in place before we do the thing (whatever that thing is that needs doing) and think we should be able to get motivation first. But actually (according to her), motivation is something that RESULTS from doing the thing and having the positive effects of that in your brain as a reward, so the next time around you feel motivated to Do The Thing to experience the reward again.

You want to feel that spark/connection again. Which maybe in the past you felt partly because you were both younger and feeling lust and the excitement of new relationship, new love.

Now you're both older and the relationship has changed. You're parents, you have other responsibilities in your life. Are you maybe expecting that new-relationship spark to still exist when you're not in a new relationship anymore? And haven't figured out how to still feel love when you are more settled down with each other?

You need to do the things with your wife that will help you feel connection with each other. If that connection is there, if you still feel affection and respect for each other, maybe you can rebuild enough spark.

And FFS just google "how to rekindle spark in relationship," there's tons of advice out there.

and if I can paper over the cracks in the marriage until they've left home, then I'm prepared to sacrifice my own happiness. The problem is I'm kind of also sacrificing her long-term happiness too.

You don’t paper over the crack of a marriage @User234937. I think if you start there, you are more likely to go anywhere tbh.

I would also forget the ‘Im scarifying her own happiness. She has her own agency. If she is unhappy and can’t stand you anymore, she will leave. Have no doubt about that (unless you suddenly start giving hints you are abusive - I’m going to assume you’re not).

Forget too about the ‘I’m happy to sacrifice my own happiness’. Most people take decisions that might look on the outside that they are very selfless. Imo, as soon as you start digging down, you’ll find they actually acted like this for different reasons, ones that were beneficial for them. Eg they felt guilty for some poor decisions are are hoping ‘to make it better’, a misplaced sense of duty etc….

Now for the reality of now, I’m going to assume that when you say that you dont fancy your DW, you mean you don’t want to have sex with her. Whatever the reason.
But that she is hurt because you reject her and/or lay no attention to her at all.

The first thing to remember is that you can have a good relationship wo sex. That’s companionship, a relationship where intimacy (not the sexual type) is still there. One where you trust and respect each other.
It stands out to me that you haven’t mentioned any of that. Just that you want to paper over the crack - aka try and forget all the deeper issues of your marriage - so you have to ILLUSION of a marriage.

I think you might want to ask yourself first WHY? Why do you want to keep the illusion going rather than actually either

• tackling the deeper issues (do you believe that if the spark is gone then that’s it?)
• finding a compromise with your DW, maybe on companionship, or any other possible arrangements between you for the benefit of the dcs

On a personal level, I’d find a partner who only wants to paper over the cracks with the intent of leaving as soon as the dcs are at Uni extremely hurtful. This would mean years and years if lying abiut what the relationship was. I’m not sure why anyone would want to do that tbh.

@erinaceus

The question is how do I handle the specific situation where I don't find my wife attractive, but I want to keep the marriage alive.

I think you're sort of looking at this backwards. The spark has gone, you've both aged, and you seem to think that if you can fix the "we've both aged" problem you can fix the marriage problem. You've got kids, one of whom has additional needs. You've (presumably) got jobs and whatever other demands on your time. You've had occasional spark-less dinners. Can you discuss first with your wife then make plans to do something together as the two of you, without any pressure to fancy each other or rekindle any sparks, just to find out whether you like spending time together? Weekend away just the two of you somewhere you want to go, no pressure to be romantic? Joint DIY project? Learn a new skill together? If it really falls flat then you might have to look at separating your lives out but at least you will have made a positive step in finding out.

This is such good advice. Any attempt just to reconnect would help stoke a bit of love and affection.

I'd also be interested to hear what initially attracted you to her? It does sound like you're taking purely about looks rather than personality.

If you weren't attracted to her personality from the beginning then there probably is no coming back from this.

I'm 51 and I'm in good nick, but I'm still 51. If I was with a long term partner my own age (roughly) who was bracing himself to sleep with me because I'd aged without having any awareness of how I perceived him physically now, that'd be such a turn off. Just yuck.

Try to identify why you do not fancy your wife anymore.
Is she tired out from being a mum, working, doing chores. Could you help out more, give her more time to pamper herself. Someone suggested treating her to a spa day, that is a great idea. Encourage her to buy some new clothes that she loves. Compliment her.
Arrange a date night and make her feel like a queen. Make sure she enjoys your sex life.
Has she put on a lot of weight, go to the gym together, cook healthy meals together, go on a bike rides together.
I am going through a very ugly divorce which I would not wish on anyone.

So this is because

1 she's got older?

By exactly as many years as you have! How weird is that? People age over the years!

Do you think people stay young forever? Of course couples age. One day you'll be 90 with crepe paper skin and balls swinging between your knees. (I worked briefly in elder care and I can tell you that as a man, oh boy will you look like hell!)

And 2 you're grown ups with house, kids and general life

Welcome to the boring world of adulthood! This shit isn't fun.

Is there anything you like about your wife ? NOT her looks. Tell us about her personality. What's her sense of humour like? What are her interests?

What's outside changes in many ways over the years. It's what's inside that you should love. The human being.

I think you should talk to her about the relationship.

Not "look, over the X years we have been together you have inexplicably aged that exact number of years and I just didn't expect that". Not " hey, you know this getting married, having kids and paying bills stuff has been a hoot but I'm bored now and I thought if it's all the same to you I'm going to nip off and leave it to you. I'll pay a bit and see the kids eow."

But just see how she feels. See if there is actually anything worth saving between you

If not then maybe it's best you go your separate ways as amicably as possible

But before you do, take some time to be very very honest with yourself about why you feel this way.

I would advise working on the relationship first before jumping to divorce."
That's kind of my point. I do want to work at it, to keep it alive.

I’d say start by looking at your DW as a person. Tell yourself that you love her and what would you DO for her then
Not the verb DO. Loving someone, keeping a relationship alive is something you DO, something you conscientiously do rather than something that just happens.

So act as if you love her.
Notice when she is struggling maybe she has a lot in her plate, she is trying to do 3 things at once. Step in and lessen the lad for her. Take more responsibility in the house.
Look at what is annoying her. That won’t be ‘not paying her enough compliment’, that I can assure you. The compliments are the symptoms of the issues, not what is actually bothering her. Work on that.
Remind yourself how what you did when you FIRST started to go out together. What did you do for her? Did you buy her yellow tulips because you knew she loves those? Did you sit down and watch a film SHE wanted to watch? Did you share your days, your happiness and your worries? Aka you were making yourself vulnerable. What is making her feel loved?

What you don’t do is take her to a fancy restaurant wo changing anything else and hope that telling she looks nice tonight will be enough.

Have you considered counselling?

Arrange a date night and make her feel like a queen.

Seeing that the OP is struggling to give any compliment to his dw because ‘they are not true and he can’t lie’, I think this would be reduced to a nice meal in a posh restaurant.
It’s not going to change much tbh.

That's kind of my point. I do want to work at it, to keep it alive.

Then surely your first step has to be to talk to your wife about how your relationship has changed and you want to try work on fixing it.
Maybe some relationship counselling?

@jytdtysrht

I'm not entirely sure if you mean "fancy" purely physically. People get older, people get more wrinkly, fatter and smellier. I suppose as you get older, you might replace lust for a slim waist with awe at the sacrifices and hard work she has done for your kids.

I agree with most of the above but no not smellier! Wtf no need to be smelly 😳

Trouble is, unless you’re a lot younger than her, you’ve aged too. It happens. What do you think would make you happy to address this? You could split and find a younger woman who hasn’t aged as much I suppose. Whether you could find a younger woman prepared to take on an ageing divorcee with kids and a divorce pending who doesn’t want kids, or doesn’t have any of her own already to be step-dad to is a question to consider.

I wonder whether your wife is attracted to you still. Maybe she also dreams of years gone by. Maybe you should talk to her and be honest as a first step to discovering how you both truly feel.

It’s difficult to understand why you don’t find her attractive, do you mean she looks older and is know longer pretty to you? Or is because you’ve had bad times and now you look at her and think of those times.

Life with children is pretty relentless and wears everyone down.

Of course your relationship will change and develop.

Surely you still love the non physical things.

Eg thank you for making me a cup of tea. I loved the risotto you cooked for dinner. I really admire the way you handled the children earlier etc.

You need to have fun together and remember what attracted you to each other to begin with.

You too will have aged and not look the same as you did a decade ago

I have made some poor life choices, and I have to live with the consequences.

Maybe this is where you need to start btw.
What were those ‘poor lifestyle choices’, what did you do to address them, what did you do ease the hurt their cause. What are you doing now about it?

If you mean that you married the wrong person then you need to decide what to do about it.

You can get divorced and still prioritise your children education but you won't be able to afford an exciting bachelor lifestyle.

@AngelinaFibres what an absolute arsehole your ex was

I am so glad you are happy again