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Original poster

Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

971 replies

WeWantTheFinestWines · 24/01/2022 17:37

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

OP posts:
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8
Bangheadhere40 · 06/02/2022 08:12

Aw thanks shay yep that's me and my cat...

I'm okay, I just feel an idiot as you do as I'd told various people in RL about him and now I have to explain I got dumped. I normally wouldn't mention so early on but I was pretty certain he was genuine 🤔

Bangheadhere40 · 06/02/2022 08:16

And then they'll say what happened and I have to explain he couldn't put his dog through the emotional turmoil 🤣

It's ridiculous, at least I can laugh about it but WTF.

BelladiMamma · 06/02/2022 08:17

@curmudgeonly007 so sorry for your loss, what a sad thing. I hope you can remember your friend in some nice quiet times over the next few days 💕

@PurpleStripyScarf really hope you get better soon!!

@Bangheadhere40 as everyone else says - dodged a bullet. What a complete dick.

Bangheadhere40 · 06/02/2022 08:19

After I said ' thanks for letting me know' I got another message saying he's so glad we met and he hopes we can keep in touch, thanks for being so understanding.

I don't think so, I've ignored.

BelladiMamma · 06/02/2022 08:21

Hi @Isitreallyme12777 👋🏻 that's a lot of numbers after your name now 🤪 I hope I clicked in the right user name. Please smash the gym on my behalf too, as every time I've arranged to go there I get a call from school to pick my daughter up early. So I'm gradually sinking into cuddly mummy bod. I much prefer being a bit leaner plus I won't have to change my wardrobe!!

BelladiMamma · 06/02/2022 08:24

@Bangheadhere40

After I said ' thanks for letting me know' I got another message saying he's so glad we met and he hopes we can keep in touch, thanks for being so understanding.

I don't think so, I've ignored.

It's so bizarre. And I feel bad for you too having told people IRL. sometimes OLD is so strange it's easier to keep it to yourself. But then that isn't good either because you can get these unreal situations which you either keep feeding through daydreams or fantasies or you have to deal with by yourself. (And someone should always know where you're going and who you're with for safety reasons).

Is he really a farmer btw or was that just a nickname?

Eesha · 06/02/2022 08:24

@Bangheadhere40 I'm sorry about this. He just sounds like a prat. I would brush over details when talking to others. No need to put yourself through more.

Bangheadhere40 · 06/02/2022 08:25

Thanks bella, his name was more of a nickname...not a million miles away from what he does though, similar.

ButterflyOfShay · 06/02/2022 08:25

@Bangheadhere40

After I said ' thanks for letting me know' I got another message saying he's so glad we met and he hopes we can keep in touch, thanks for being so understanding.

I don't think so, I've ignored.

I’d be the same as you. Got enough pals thanks. Twat
ButterflyOfShay · 06/02/2022 08:27

@Bangheadhere40

And then they'll say what happened and I have to explain he couldn't put his dog through the emotional turmoil 🤣

It's ridiculous, at least I can laugh about it but WTF.

I’ve been given the details for a psychiatrist to contact and arrange these 16 sessions, maybe we could pass this on for the dog?? 😱
Bangheadhere40 · 06/02/2022 08:29

I just spat out my coffee 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Haha!

Bangheadhere40 · 06/02/2022 08:30

I was just looking at the other reasons - we watch different things on TV and he's a morning person and I'm not. How stupid!

ButterflyOfShay · 06/02/2022 08:32

It’s just bollocks @Bangheadhere40 try not to stew over the bullshit he’s given you as none of its true. Let him angst away on his own with his dog and you keep holding your head up high like you're doing xx

BelladiMamma · 06/02/2022 08:36

@Bangheadhere40 delete delete delete
Don't keep those messages. They're just bollocks from start to finish ... and block then delete him. Nothing to see here. Just no ... put it down to a quick fling with someone who showed their true colours before you got more involved ...

Unbelievably epic level of twuntishness

gelatodipistacchio · 06/02/2022 08:37

@Bangheadhere40 so sorry that happened. What a weirdo. I didn't realise that it was necessary in a relationship to choose between a girlfriend or a dog Hmm

@curmudgeonly007 I'm sorry for your loss and wishing you a bit of time to grieve

BelladiMamma · 06/02/2022 08:50

Does anyone else struggle with jealousy and how have they dealt with it?

I've had to really have a word with myself about being jealous of MrD's previous dating life. Given that I'm the one who wants to be non monogamous it's highly ironic.

For example yesterday he told me that he'd introduced his last iron to his Mum and I was so angry / jealous I had to pretend the dogs were being naughty and hung up on him. I know that he and this iron are very much over and that it was an on off thing. Plus I know that they've had proper closure. It's just it really really got to me. I have a few ideas as to why I'm like this - trust issues, my ex using other women to make me jealous and wanting to know I'm number 1 - but it really is pretty childish and bothers me. I only get jealous with him. I haven't been with anyone else, although my ex h used to play with my emotions a lot.

Isitreallyme12777 · 06/02/2022 09:06

@ButterflyOfShay hey lovely 👋❤💕 it's all about Ibiza isn't it?

@BelladiMamma haha I close my account to stop me posting when I need time out, and just end up adding more numbers to a new one. The very first did actually mean something although it looks like I've unintentionally used a date this time.

As for smashing the gym, I've just cancelled circuits and abs today as I have DOMS but will try and get a session in later on although I could use today as my rest day and go before work tomorrow. Give my body time to heal.😬

Badbaddog · 06/02/2022 09:08

@Bangheadhere40 I would be telling people IRL that you called a halt as you discovered some weird stuff about him ie his unhealthy obsession with his blooming dog and his inhumanity to a person who is sick! No need to say he dumped you. If you continue to ignore his last message, you’ve dumped him anyway (as a friend, at any rate).

gelatodipistacchio · 06/02/2022 09:14

@BelladiMamma are you completely certain that this is down to your own internal feelings only, and not subtle messages from MrD? Or is there some contrast between how quickly he moved with this other iron which makes you feel that he must have liked her better?

I have struggled with jealousy in the past but it's been so long since I have been in a relationship that I don't have immediate experience to draw upon - but in your position, I think that I would try to really examine the source of the feelings as a first step (I know that you are doing this), but without rushing to assume the problem is within me only.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I at least have a history of assuming as a starting point that my own feelings are wrong or irrational (encouraged by my ex!). And maybe it is just you! But just a suggestion to take that extra step back in your analysis if you haven't already been.

ButterflyOfShay · 06/02/2022 09:18

I am not arsed gymming today. Gonna lay in my bed and eat toast 🥰

ButterflyOfShay · 06/02/2022 09:20

@BelladiMamma I sympathise .. jealousy is the worst and it just comes out of nowhere 😞

BelladiMamma · 06/02/2022 09:32

@ButterflyOfShay @gelatodipistacchio I have had an issue with jealousy in the past when I've committed myself to someone. It seems to be my irrational brain trying to tell me not to commit as I can't trust anyone. I've had it in 3 previous relationships and was a source of (hidden) shame to me. If it ever came out i handled it badly and it turned into anger.

With this situation I know the ex iron was around for 18 months and he has downplayed / been honest about what it was from the start. A dating relationship that was fun at the beginning but then they didn't have enough in common for it to develop into something meaningful. That's ok, I've been there too. I just felt that he'd had ample opportunity to tell me that she'd met his family and he'd never mentioned it before ...
but you know what - I was on the verge of introducing MrBear and had all the arrangements lined up then he showed me his true colours (undermining me and mansplaining and being very manipulative about DD's laptop). I even introduced my stalker to my family 😞 before I realised what a mess I'd got myself into with him.

So I think it brings up feelings of shame from the past and that is the cause and the effect of the jealousy!

And @ButterflyOfShay like you my childhood wasn't perfect so it stirs those early abandonment feelings too.

I know that MrD's past dating life has been active and pretty colourful ... takes one to know one ... and that one he developed strong feelings for one woman but it was a very short lived thing.

If anything, I'm worried about how fast we've taken things and I wonder if I'm going to wake up in 6 months and ask myself where I thought it was all going. But that's ok because none of us know the future or how our emotions might change or lives might pan out. So maybe the jealousy is a strange mix of all of those things. As I said to MrD, I don't like being committed or opening up because then all this other stuff comes out and spoils things. I'm all for the cool sex vibe and ignoring feelings 🤷🏻‍♀️ as I can't be arsed with feelings anymore 🤪

Bangheadhere40 · 06/02/2022 09:46

badbaddog thanks, yeah I think I'll go down that route, and no way is he ever hearing from me again.

Badbaddog · 06/02/2022 10:10

@BelladiMamma I’m a bit confused by this jealousy thing. If you are someone who has struggled with jealousy in the past, how can you believe that ENM is going to work for you? Or is that off the cards now?

BelladiMamma · 06/02/2022 10:20

@Badbaddog not at all, ENM is still on the cards for me. I just need to work through it. Everyone can suffer from jealousy, it's often unexplained and definitely part of the 'lizard brain'. I was just interested to see if anyone on the thread had any good resources or tips or had dealt with it themselves.

Also, talking through it here is like a public journal. It's really good to share and get other perspectives on it