Dating Thread 224: Keeping it casual or searching for The One

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

I'll cut and paste the rules in a minute

I want very precisely

Someone my age +- 2 years
Someone max 60 minutes away
Someone kind who can chat about other things than sex

Someone who doesn’t mind I’m a single mum
Someone I can be mates with as well as jiggy
And someone who doesn’t mind I’ve got hsv2 (big
One )

Happy Monday !

@Thisisworsethananticpated

On the apps my age range is 38-53 but ideally 45-50 I'd say.
I am discerning so I need them to be tall, broad, decent career and older or no children.

Distance up to 30 minutes away ideally.

Tall, broad, established child free men within 30 minutes of me, where art thou??

Tall, broad, established child free men within 30 minutes of me, where art thou??

Maybe in the 30-60 mile range !!! Spread it wider 😂

I guess that's fair .... I'll go expand my distance

They better come running now! 🏃‍♂️

ibelieveinmirrorballs

That memory thing is annoying
I get that at a really dull bus stop as my ex obsession texted me saying he loved my voice message and kept listening to it

@ButterflyOfShay Sorry missed your post in amongst the flurry of other ones.

I'm feeling great about Mr K 🙄 (rolling eye emoji because I'm fed up of my up and down😂).
Not sure if it was the fact I voiced my concerns to him and he's just lovely and rational, says he feels the same but we couldn't help not meeting much in January or because this week I should be seeing him twice - one of those being from about 5.30pm so lots of quality time or its because TOTM has arrived and I'm more rational (too be fair the negativity about Mr K usually arrives 10 days before and not a few days).

I also saw him yesterday doing his hobby, it was lovely to sit and chat for a few hours and see where he goes and what he does. It was great to see him so passionate and even though its not my thing I was a good girlfriend and showed interest and asked lots of questions 😇😂

What I have realised (again) is that I definitely need quality time with him if our relationship is to keep going.
I have counselling today so I'll chat to her about it all.

What’s your target market ?
I’ve definitely decided I want men aged 46-49

It would be women 45-55, rich & curvy is a bonus

@Thisisworsethananticpated
Why such a narrow age range, once we men are over the big Five 0 do we go out of date ?

curmudgeonly007

No !!! I’d go 50 something I’ve just got a strange yen for someone exactly my age
I’m in denial about the 50 number

Good morning everyone , I stumbled across this thread and I need some of pearls of online dating wisdom

I am in a dilemma and I will probably sound crazy but here it goes.

I have been seeing someone for a little over a month and it was going really well. Exclusivity was implied but we didn't really have a chat about it explicitly. I found out recently that he lied about spending time with his family but he went on a date. His reason is he wanted to see if he will feel the same way he feels about me with someone else. He wanted to see if he was developing feelings for me instead of feelings of lust .

He says he now wants to be exclusive as he knows what he feels about me is real. Up until now , everything has been going well. He is a good guy and I can see myself settling down with him but I feel really hurt . I think I am more hurt by the lie he told about spending time with a family member. If he had been honest about what he was doing , I would not be as hurt.

I know a month of dating is nothing but I need outside perspective if I am justified to throw him back . I don't want to set a precedent where he thinks it's ok to lie . Should I let this go or let him go ?

Sorry that was long . Thank you

@confused202212 How would you have felt if he told you he was going on a date and not made up an excuse?

I don't like liars at all so I'm biased.

I think implied exclusivity is the issue. This is why chats are needed early on if you want exclusivity.

Lots on here multi date/chat, its about not putting all your eggs in one basket and that's what he has done.

He sounds quite snivelly. Sounds like you want open and straightforward and he is not it.

@SortingItOut I’m so glad you’re feeling better about Mr K. Now is the time though to drive home to him that as a couple, quality time together is an absolute priority going forwards.

@confused202212 I couldn't trust him now, he already lied about being implying exclusivity and lied about where he was ... because he thought he was entitled to experience dating someone else to verify his feelings about you?? No he just wanted his cake and to eat it too

@confused202212 it's early days and he's already showing red flags. I would seriously consider binning in your shoes.

@confused202212 I think his date didn't turn out how he expected plus who knows how long he was chatting to her to plan said date. It would be off-putting to me personally. People do multidate but he seems like he's been sneaking about it.

Thank you for your sharing your opinions @Eesha @gelatodipistacchio @dancemom @Badbaddog @SortingItOut , you have all echoed what I was thinking and confirmed my thoughts. It is the lie that is worse . If he had told me he was going on a date , I would have been ok with it, because we are not exclusive so we are both still technically single. Now he is desperate to be exclusive and will do what it takes 🙄

@confused202212

Good morning everyone , I stumbled across this thread and I need some of pearls of online dating wisdom

I am in a dilemma and I will probably sound crazy but here it goes.

I have been seeing someone for a little over a month and it was going really well. Exclusivity was implied but we didn't really have a chat about it explicitly. I found out recently that he lied about spending time with his family but he went on a date. His reason is he wanted to see if he will feel the same way he feels about me with someone else. He wanted to see if he was developing feelings for me instead of feelings of lust .

He says he now wants to be exclusive as he knows what he feels about me is real. Up until now , everything has been going well. He is a good guy and I can see myself settling down with him but I feel really hurt . I think I am more hurt by the lie he told about spending time with a family member. If he had been honest about what he was doing , I would not be as hurt.

I know a month of dating is nothing but I need outside perspective if I am justified to throw him back . I don't want to set a precedent where he thinks it's ok to lie . Should I let this go or let him go ?

Sorry that was long . Thank you

I can understand if you've only been dating a month and not had an exclusivity chat, he might go on a date if he was originally chatting to other people. I can also understand he might lie. As in, he's not going to say "I'm on another date". So, he might hedge or say he's out with a friend.

But I would not be able to forgive him saying he was "dating to check his feelings". That's rubbish. He was dating because he's got a candy shop mentality and he will jump ship if he thinks he's got a better offer.

I don't like this sort of behaviour.

I would get rid. What if it had gone the other way and he'd preferred the other lady?

Yes I would tend to agree with VanGoghsDog- it is the dating to “check his feelings” that would put me off. What an odd thing to say!
The date itself might have been in the pipeline a while, and he might be insecure and feeling like he should keep his options open. But the weak excuse is a bit off putting

How does everyone deal with the uncertainty around dating?? I miraculously had two date zeros last week and they were both really nice guys. Meeting up again has been mentioned, but I just can’t handle the anxiety of wondering what is next, will a second date actually happen, how often to text etc. Does this mean I’m still not ready to date? I thought it was supposed to be exciting but it doesn’t really seem worth the bother haha

@Gettingonwithit12 I am posting purely to commiserate. I find each step of the way somewhat scary (so far). (For context, I left my emotionally abusive ex almost 2.5 years ago and I have barely dated since)

@Gettingonwithit12 just to add that when I was younger and dating, I also found dating scary. So I am not convinced it means that you're not ready - it's more that unfamiliar things can be scary, especially in a situation where there is a high risk of rejection that can feel personal.

I don't normally like to touch people I don't know, for example! So dating hits many of my discomfort zones. Maybe it's similar for you?

If that's the case, I think the solution is to practice and push through the discomfort.

@gelatodipistacchio I am also 2.5 years out of a toxic relationship! I’m sure this background isn’t helping matters. I just can’t relax into it at all. I don’t really get that nervous before the dates, and am actually fine chatting and getting to know someone for a couple of hours, but it’s what comes after that is just killing me. Its almost like I would rather they just tell me there and then that they don’t like me! The uncertainty is just awful, I don’t really know what to do to get over it

[quote gelatodipistacchio]@Gettingonwithit12 just to add that when I was younger and dating, I also found dating scary. So I am not convinced it means that you're not ready - it's more that unfamiliar things can be scary, especially in a situation where there is a high risk of rejection that can feel personal.

I don't normally like to touch people I don't know, for example! So dating hits many of my discomfort zones. Maybe it's similar for you?

If that's the case, I think the solution is to practice and push through the discomfort.[/quote]
Yes that’s true, I guess the process itself is scary. I didn’t have much experience of it before (very long relationship from a fairly young age). I wish I could just let this anxiety go and see how things pan out.

@Gettingonwithit12 personally, I am highly suspicious of all men and am inclined to dislike them and view them with suspicion. A few drinks helps with this but probably isn't the best way to cope

I also find the idea of kissing/ physicality frightening, and find the risk of this coming up at the end of the date a bit frightening.

(That said, I went on a date last night and happily kissed him in public , again helped along by the drinks!)

@Gettingonwithit12 sorry for the multiple messages. But I think part of my point above is that I think you should be selfish and consider what they have to offer you rather than worry if you are pleasing to them

This is perhaps the blind leading the blind, but that's my perspective