My bf wants to wait to have a baby I'm 42

[Toolateyogi]

Hi Everyone

First time posting on here.i hqve just broken up with my boyfriend of 1 year. We were supposed to move in together in 2 months and he has just decided he thinks its too soon and wants to wait 8 months. There is no negotiating on time due to rental contracts.

When we got together he said he didn't want kids. I fell for him so hard he understood me so well that I thought I could give up having children and that I'm 2 old. He has 2 of his own already that are 5 and 7.

5 months later once I started spending time with his children I realised I couldn't give up on having my own and I was willing to go down the single parent ivf route. He was adamant he didn't want so I broke up with him.

3 weeks later he's changed his mind, wants kids , wants to be with me , so we get back together with a march move in date planned.

Now he wants to delay the move In, thinks its too soon and we are rushing it. Still wants to be with me. Still wants a baby with me.

I feel at 42 I don't have time to waste on this man (who is wonderful and I love him) . He could change his mind in 8 months and say he doesn't want a baby.

I don't want to put all my eggs in his basket . So I broke it off. My parents think he will come crawling back. I don't think so. And I'm not doing this to scare him into coming back but I don't think he thought I would genuinely go through with breaking up with him.

Just wanted to hear on others experiences. Is 42 too late to meet someone else. Am I right to give up on this guy?

If he thinks you're rushing with living together then there's no way in hell he is ready to have a baby. You can move out if things don't work, you can't just hand a baby back.

You have done the right thing. He's shown that he's willing to lie (or at best string you along). If he has even a basic grasp of biology then he'll know that at 42 you don't delay with decisions like this. And if now is too soon to try for a baby, why will he magically feel different in 8 months time? That makes no sense.

So you know that you've done the right thing. There is a chance he'll ask you to take him back, but you would have to certain that a) that means you start trying for a baby immediatelty, and b) he's genuinely happy with that plan (don't saddle a child with a parent who didn't really want them).

Would you consider having a child on your own? If you are really certain you want to have a child, then that would put you in charge of the process, and not at the whim of whether or not you'll meet someone.

You might still meet someone in the future of course. At 42 there's bags of time for that.

If u really want kids then I wouldn’t be relying on him tbh. I had a baby at 42 and now at 44 I’m in peri menopause. If u can do ivf as a single parent then that’s what I would consider. Best of luck

Having a baby is a much bigger commitment than renting a house.

You can't rely on him.

You’ve done the right thing.

You’re clear on what you want and where your non-negotiables are. He seems indecisive and I’d worry he’d string you along with false promises only to turn around when it’s too late for you

Time is not on your side.
You cannot wait for him to stop messing about

Your boyfriend is very immature. He obviously doesn't want a live in relationship

As for waiting to have a baby, how long does he expect you to wait when you are already 42?

It's easier for him because he has done it all before.

He’s hardly messing about not wanting to have a baby after being with you for a year! It’s not his fault you’re 42 now, and he already had dc that having another baby will affect greatly. I don’t think you can blame him for needing more time to check that it’s right.

He is being sensible. Having already separated with children it's natural he will not want to rush decision on children however you don't have time on your side.

I don't think either of you are wrong. It is definitely more challenging to get pregnant after 40 but not impossible, so consider solo route if you are definite about having children.

Thanks for your responses everyone. I agreed with him that if we move in March we can wait 6 months before trying as we want to get used to living together properly first. We pretty much lived together anyway, he would stay at mine in the week and i stayed at his on the weekend. We did this from very early. But he still wants to wait 8 months to move in...

Wonderful you say?

Do it alone. You can't rely on him.

He wants you but no, he really doesn't want a baby.

If you want to have a baby, you really don't have much time to be wasting.

He’s got his existing children to think about so I don’t think he’s being selfish taking his time. It’s unfortunate that you really can’t afford to wait.
If I’m honest I’d leave him and take steps to have a child by yourself.

He’s already got two children past the baby stage, sounds like he’s not interested in any more sorry.

Yeah you are right, you need to get going with a sperm donor. He’s clearly not committed to the baby idea, I’d suspect he was trying to time me out if it was me.

He does not want a baby and he's hoping to stall you until the last few fertile years you have left are gone.

If you really want to be a mum then go it alone with donor sperm asap. I wouldn’t plan to ttc with someone I hadn’t even lived with. That’s madness. So is waiting at your age.

If you are willing and able to then go solo OP and don’t delay. My best friend held out for her DP who let her believe that children would be on the cards and she’s now starting the menopause and has no children. She’s devastated.

If you desperately want a child, do it now with a sperm donor. Don't tie yourself to this uncertainty.

At 42 you may have already left it too late, but there's still a chance - if you leave it another 8 months that chance will have dramatically decreased.

@IncompleteSenten

He does not want a baby and he's hoping to stall you until the last few fertile years you have left are gone.

Sadly I think this is true.

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

He’s got his existing children to think about so I don’t think he’s being selfish taking his time. It’s unfortunate that you really can’t afford to wait. If I’m honest I’d leave him and take steps to have a child by yourself.

I agree with this. Time is not on your side at 42, so He either needs to decide he is ready to have a baby with you now or you go it alone in whatever way you are going to do that. I also wonder if he will agree to start trying and then if you fall pg will back out and change his mind about wanting to be involved, but as you seem to be willing to go it alone, this might not worry you to much?

Definitely do it alone. Maybe the relationship will work out, maybe not, but having seen the intense body aching pain my friend was in when her boyfriend did similar to her, resulting in her being too old to have kids she'd always wanted, no man (or woman) is worth it.

This is your life. He's not worth more to you than your fertility. Is he?

He's allowed to be uncertain, change his mind and generally wobble about it. But if he truly loves you then he'd be prioritising your feelings here because you're the one limited by time. And by that I mean he would tell you "I can't be sure what I want, but I love you and want you to be happy, this is important for you so go ahead and do it without me"

He's not letting you go, but he's not committing either. He's focused on himself, not guided by his apparent love for you.

Do it alone. Time is not on your side. It does not sound like he wants another child which is his right. To be honest the relationship may or may not work out.

The biggest lesson I’ve ever learnt is “if he wanted to then he would”

He is not ready and may never be. Do it without him rather than live a life regretting you sat around and waited for him!