Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf wants to wait to have a baby I'm 42

111 replies

Toolateyogi · 24/01/2022 15:31

Hi Everyone

First time posting on here.i hqve just broken up with my boyfriend of 1 year. We were supposed to move in together in 2 months and he has just decided he thinks its too soon and wants to wait 8 months. There is no negotiating on time due to rental contracts.

When we got together he said he didn't want kids. I fell for him so hard he understood me so well that I thought I could give up having children and that I'm 2 old. He has 2 of his own already that are 5 and 7.

5 months later once I started spending time with his children I realised I couldn't give up on having my own and I was willing to go down the single parent ivf route. He was adamant he didn't want so I broke up with him.

3 weeks later he's changed his mind, wants kids , wants to be with me , so we get back together with a march move in date planned.

Now he wants to delay the move In, thinks its too soon and we are rushing it. Still wants to be with me. Still wants a baby with me.

I feel at 42 I don't have time to waste on this man (who is wonderful and I love him) . He could change his mind in 8 months and say he doesn't want a baby.

I don't want to put all my eggs in his basket . So I broke it off. My parents think he will come crawling back. I don't think so. And I'm not doing this to scare him into coming back but I don't think he thought I would genuinely go through with breaking up with him.

Just wanted to hear on others experiences. Is 42 too late to meet someone else. Am I right to give up on this guy?

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 24/01/2022 16:25

No no no no no.

This is much more important than a dithering bloke you've known a year. Forget about him. He's totally irrelevant.

This is about you and the rest of your life. You aren't too old now - but you will be soon, and you may be lucky or unlucky now but there's no way to know.

If you want a baby don't delay another day. IVF, donor sperm, THAT is the option which you have control over, you can push forward at your own pace.

It is none of his business by the way - you can still be together, it will be no different to his already having his own children if you have one yourself. And it means you won't be tied to him if you don't want to be and you can suit yourself as life goes forward.

Good luck.

Santahasjoinedww · 24/01/2022 16:26

I had a dc at 43m2 but I wasn't in such an on /off relationship.. Imagine juggling your dc /his dc and joint dc in the off stages. Having a dc won't make him reliable and responsible..

TolkiensFallow · 24/01/2022 16:28

Do it alone. Time is not on your side

caringcarer · 24/01/2022 16:30

Unless you are going to freeze your eggs you need to start trying straight away. Not only is it harder to get pregnant after 40 but you are also more likely to have a miscarriage. I got pregnant at 42 but miscarried at 16 weeks. Go it alone, he does not really an want another child.

Folklore9074 · 24/01/2022 16:31

If you want to have children right now is the time to start trying, not in six months, eight months or whenever. Honestly, and I really hate to say it, but it might already be too late.

MondayYogurt · 24/01/2022 16:34

Book a fertility check ASAP.
Forget him being involved.

Tamworth123 · 24/01/2022 16:40

When we got together he said he didn't want kids

It doesn't sound like he's changed his mind.

He said he was willing to, to get you back... but now he's dithering & delaying about even moving in together.

It really doesn't seem like anything's really changed from his initial stance.

I think he was thinking/hoping ot wouldn't actually happen (you wouldnt fall pregnant), and I agree with the posters who think he's probably hoping the dithering, extending, and delaying will use up, as ot were, the rest of your fertility.

You currently, unless you're an outlier, have a 5% chance per cycle, dropping now towards 43 and over to 1-2% chance per cycle. (This is naturally of course, I'm not sure what ivf success rates are, just that as you head towards 45 they'll advise more and more for you to use donor eggs).

To be vey blunt, ppl ike him who already have their own kids don't have a fk. And mrn in particular don't gaf because they don't have the same fertility cliff (without donor material) that women do.

Tamworth123 · 24/01/2022 16:42

*ppl ike him who already have their own kids don't give a fk. And men in particular don't gaf because they don't have the same fertility cliff (without donor material) that women do.

Tamworth123 · 24/01/2022 16:44

You have to put yourself, what you want etc. first.

Because he won't.

Ellie56 · 24/01/2022 16:44

He's stringing you along. Get rid.

DefaultParent · 24/01/2022 16:44

Time isn't on your side. The most sensible thing would be to go it alone.

affairsofdragons · 24/01/2022 16:47

If you want a chance at children, you need to go it alone now.

Good luck.

Tamworth123 · 24/01/2022 16:48

Incidentally you've only been together a year, and he already has kids... it would be quite a short timescale even with someone who was fully open to having kids.

He's not the right partner for this "endeavour", he had no real need or urgency to have (more) kids,
Its going to be difficult to find a partner who fits the bill for instant baby making at all (in fact I'd worry why thry would be open to it). The donor route, and hopefully meeting a partner after (or getting back together with this man) in the long-term seems the way to go.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 24/01/2022 16:54

Moving in together after a year is pretty quick. It's not his fault that you're 42. If he's not ready, he's not ready, and he should be able to say that. Changing his mind is not ideal, but that could easily be genuine - he thought he was ready, then realised he wasn't. Much better to realise this now than after you've moved in together.

If he has dc of 5 and 7, he probably has much less need/desire to have a baby, so less sense of urgency. If you really want a baby, I'd go it alone.

Tamworth123 · 24/01/2022 16:54

It is none of his business by the way - you can still be together, it will be no different to his already having his own children if you have one yourself. And it means you won't be tied to him if you don't want to be and you can suit yourself as life goes forward.

This is true.

What will be interesting however, if you get pregnant and gaveca child, will be whether the support, tolerance, blended family etc thing goes both ways, or whether he got involved (and stayed involved) with you because you had no childcare responsibilities or ties, no compromise etc needed from his side. Lots of guys like taking support from women when they're separated/divorced and have the their kids every weekend or whatever, but arent as good at reciprocating.

Aprilx · 24/01/2022 17:18

I think he is being sensible and doing what is right for him with regards to children, unfortunately what is right for him is not aligned to what you want.

I wouldn’t count on meeting somebody else, falling in love, moving in and then having children with. I think you need to go the donor route now you are single.

MMmomDD · 24/01/2022 17:27

Forget about him for now and book IVF as soon as possible. Go private, if you can afford it.
You already left it too late, so your chances aren’t great as is. But there is still a chance, so - good luck.

Original poster
Toolateyogi · 24/01/2022 18:42

Thank you everyone. It's great to hear that you all think I am doing the right thing. I plan to go down the solo IVF route.

OP posts:
jimmyjammy001 · 24/01/2022 19:40

He's allready been through that life stage of having children unfortunately so more than likely isn't going to want to have any more again later on in life, you've only been together a year which is quite quick for children, I'd go at it alone, he will more than likely just string you along

HollowTalk · 24/01/2022 19:42

You can't depend on this man. I wouldn't even think about living with him.

BiscuitLover3678 · 24/01/2022 19:47

This guy isn’t ready to have a baby.
You need to start the process of sorting ivf or whatever you need and see what he does.
You can’t rely on him. Same page now or goodbye for a few years.

BiscuitLover3678 · 24/01/2022 19:48

Also having kids with him will be a nightmare and you will probably need ivf anyway.

Blossom64265 · 24/01/2022 19:56

He is not wrong that with two young children to consider, it is simply too soon to consider a lifetime commitment with a new partner.

You are not wrong that you are at a point in your life where if you want to be a mother, you are going to have to make the decision to proceed solo.

As a fellow woman in her 40s, you have probably started to feel that confidence and sense of inherent female power that comes with middle age. Embrace it and become an awesome mom.

myfacelookslikeatoe · 24/01/2022 19:57

I can see both sides really. He probably does want to be with you but a year is quick to move in and talk about babies. But I also think you need to think of yourself and what you want as it’s such a huge thing to miss out on if you do want a child. Sorry op I know no easy answer. Brew

Ohpulltheotherone · 24/01/2022 20:03

No you don’t have time to wait.

The thing is OP, if he does agree to try, even starting now, the road is going to be (potentially) quite tough - obviously we’d hope it wouldn’t be! - but the reality is at 42/43 it is likely to be a bumpy road.
If he agrees he is likely agreeing to the idea of you getting pregnant easily and having a problem free pregnancy ….. has he contemplated that it could be a lot more complicated than that?
Do you trust his word that he would stick by you through potential fertility investigations and treatment? Through the planned sex, the ovulation tracking, the anxious two week wait every month….

It’s not just agreeing to have a baby at this point, it’s agreeing to have a baby at whatever cost (that you as the woman are prepared to go to).

Only you know how good his word is, but remember you’re asking for more than he might realise.

A frank conversation perhaps? Assisted conception, tests and checks, lots of effort…does he know all of this.

In your shoes (and I was in your shoes, although 5 years younger), I would walk away and do this by myself. Or at least investigate doing it by myself whilst dating and keeping my fingers crossed.

Hope it works out for you OP Flowers