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Original poster

My bf wants to wait to have a baby I'm 42

111 replies

Toolateyogi · 24/01/2022 15:31

Hi Everyone

First time posting on here.i hqve just broken up with my boyfriend of 1 year. We were supposed to move in together in 2 months and he has just decided he thinks its too soon and wants to wait 8 months. There is no negotiating on time due to rental contracts.

When we got together he said he didn't want kids. I fell for him so hard he understood me so well that I thought I could give up having children and that I'm 2 old. He has 2 of his own already that are 5 and 7.

5 months later once I started spending time with his children I realised I couldn't give up on having my own and I was willing to go down the single parent ivf route. He was adamant he didn't want so I broke up with him.

3 weeks later he's changed his mind, wants kids , wants to be with me , so we get back together with a march move in date planned.

Now he wants to delay the move In, thinks its too soon and we are rushing it. Still wants to be with me. Still wants a baby with me.

I feel at 42 I don't have time to waste on this man (who is wonderful and I love him) . He could change his mind in 8 months and say he doesn't want a baby.

I don't want to put all my eggs in his basket . So I broke it off. My parents think he will come crawling back. I don't think so. And I'm not doing this to scare him into coming back but I don't think he thought I would genuinely go through with breaking up with him.

Just wanted to hear on others experiences. Is 42 too late to meet someone else. Am I right to give up on this guy?

OP posts:
Getupoffthesofa · 24/01/2022 20:05

I am going to be blunt and I have advised quite a few other women in your position. You do not have time to faff around You need to get down to trying to get pregnant now! 42 is old in the fertility game if you want to use your own eggs. The NHS will be too slow for you. Can you afford to go private. Do you know where to go for advice? Try the donor conception network and fertility friends. I would not wait for this man or any other man at your age. I speak as one who did not wait and sent it alone at 40. Best of luck.

OnGoldenPond · 24/01/2022 20:06

He's stringing you along. He panicked when you dumped him so just said whatever he needed to reel you back in. Now he thinks he has got you back he is backtracking. He will never follow through on his promises, this man will never have a child with you.

You are 42, you are on borrowed time regarding fertility. I went through menopause abruptly at 41. I went straight from regular periods to complete stop within a month. Thankfully I already had my two beautiful DC but I makes me feel cold to think how I could have missed out on having them if I had waited just 4 years longer.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/01/2022 20:08

You've done the right thing, because you just don't have any time left to waste. None. As in, call a clinic tomorrow - you will have to go private because every month counts here.

HanSB · 24/01/2022 20:10

Don't waste the precious time you have questioning your relationship with this man. He's not shown actions that he is willing to commit to you, to moving in together, to having a child together. He already has 2 children. I wish you all the best on your journey to being a mother and know you can do it by yourself if you want to.

inheritancetrack · 24/01/2022 20:10

Hes just wasting more time in the hope you don't get pg naturally. If you really want a baby and can afford it, go for IVF with a doner.

DoThePropeller · 24/01/2022 20:18

I think you have been really brave OP, well done, you are making the right decision putting your own needs and life goals front and centre.

My sister in law did similar (down to ditching the on off boyfriend too) in her early 40s, has a gorgeous daughter and never for a second regretted it.

NewtoHolland · 24/01/2022 20:22

Definitely do it alone,
You don't have that 8 months to wait at this point
Sorry he'd messed you about until now.
Get booked in for that IVF ASAP and give yourself the best chance of success :)

GrapefruitPink · 24/01/2022 20:26

You've made the right decision.

I hope it all works out for you

LittleWins · 24/01/2022 20:30

@HollowTalk

You can't depend on this man. I wouldn't even think about living with him.
100%. He’s not wonderful. He’s messing you around.
Original poster
Toolateyogi · 25/01/2022 15:31

Wow so we spoke on phone this afternoon and during the 24 hours I had dumped him he realised that he doesn't want a baby.

Said he didn't know until the last 24 hours!

I am so angry that I wasted my time and went back to this man that said he wanted to start a family with me and move in together in 2 months. I had already given my housemate notice!

So angry and upset right now

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/01/2022 15:32

@Toolateyogi

Wow so we spoke on phone this afternoon and during the 24 hours I had dumped him he realised that he doesn't want a baby.

Said he didn't know until the last 24 hours!

I am so angry that I wasted my time and went back to this man that said he wanted to start a family with me and move in together in 2 months. I had already given my housemate notice!

So angry and upset right now

That's fine. At least you know and don't have to waste any more time wondering whether he's worth waiting for.
AryaStarkWolf · 25/01/2022 15:44

@Toolateyogi

Wow so we spoke on phone this afternoon and during the 24 hours I had dumped him he realised that he doesn't want a baby.

Said he didn't know until the last 24 hours!

I am so angry that I wasted my time and went back to this man that said he wanted to start a family with me and move in together in 2 months. I had already given my housemate notice!

So angry and upset right now

At least he's admitted that to you now and you were only together a year. If I were you I'd forget about men for now and concentrate on having a baby if that's what you really want
Crystalvas · 25/01/2022 16:33

You could go it alone and go down the IVF route. Leave him to it. Hes too indecisive to be in a relationship. Hes just stringing you along.

Terfydactyl · 25/01/2022 16:40

@daretodenim

Definitely do it alone. Maybe the relationship will work out, maybe not, but having seen the intense body aching pain my friend was in when her boyfriend did similar to her, resulting in her being too old to have kids she'd always wanted, no man (or woman) is worth it.

This is your life. He's not worth more to you than your fertility. Is he?

He's allowed to be uncertain, change his mind and generally wobble about it. But if he truly loves you then he'd be prioritising your feelings here because you're the one limited by time. And by that I mean he would tell you "I can't be sure what I want, but I love you and want you to be happy, this is important for you so go ahead and do it without me"

He's not letting you go, but he's not committing either. He's focused on himself, not guided by his apparent love for you.

Dareto has it. If you really are sure you want a child then go ahead and find a way quickly. He is of course allowed to not want anymore children, you are of course allowed to want children. You can both have what you want.
IncompleteSenten · 26/01/2022 10:59

He's full of shit.
Of course he knew
He was hoping he could put it off until you were not able to have a child.

Wreath21 · 26/01/2022 11:07

A lot of men believe that if they can keep fobbing a partner off, they will be able to avoid having a baby with her because she will run out of fertile time. Then, should the man later decide he wants a baby, he can move on to a younger woman.

To be fair to this man, if he has children already and doesn't want any more, he is not wrong to make that decision. And it does sound as though he told you previously that he did not want more DC and you have been hoping to change his mind. However, to be fair to you he should stand firm on his decision rather than keep stalling.

Original poster
Toolateyogi · 26/01/2022 11:16

I actually broke up with him last year because I wanted child and he didn't. But he came back 3 weeks later totally up for it, realising he wanted a chance at another family as his 2 kids live 200 miles away.

And he has changed his mind back again overnight.

Never-mind! Perhaps it's a lucky escape and our life would have been miserable together

OP posts:
Tamworth123 · 26/01/2022 12:33

realising he wanted a chance at another family as his 2 kids live 200 miles away.

Did their Mum move 200 miles away or did he move 200 miles away from them?

If the latter, he doesn't even want to be a real Dad to his existing kids, let alone have another one.

He told you at the start he didn't want (more) kids, I don't think he deviated from that he either deluded himself or lied when he "changed his mind" when you dumped him.

He has had the same fundamental.attitude all along.

Tamworth123 · 26/01/2022 12:36

Also, I get slated when I say this on here but vvopen really need to think.hars about men who are sepatated/divorced when kids were young.... women generally do not end relationships when the fathers of their young kids unless the man walks out or they are driven to the absolute end of their tether by his behaviour. It generally indicates he is not good father or relationship material. Esp when he has little to no real day to day responsibility for his kids after the split.

He is a shit bet for a father even if he were willing which he is not.

Tamworth123 · 26/01/2022 12:39

Given your time constraints, it seems the donor route is your best option if you really really want to have a child.

Musttryharder2021 · 26/01/2022 12:45

@Getupoffthesofa

I am going to be blunt and I have advised quite a few other women in your position. You do not have time to faff around You need to get down to trying to get pregnant now! 42 is old in the fertility game if you want to use your own eggs. The NHS will be too slow for you. Can you afford to go private. Do you know where to go for advice? Try the donor conception network and fertility friends. I would not wait for this man or any other man at your age. I speak as one who did not wait and sent it alone at 40. Best of luck.
Just to correct the above point about NHS. As a single woman in England and without known medical issues that might impede fertility, you won't have any help therefore you will have to go down the private route (whether regulated via a clinic or not).
girlmom21 · 26/01/2022 12:45

@Toolateyogi

I actually broke up with him last year because I wanted child and he didn't. But he came back 3 weeks later totally up for it, realising he wanted a chance at another family as his 2 kids live 200 miles away.

And he has changed his mind back again overnight.

Never-mind! Perhaps it's a lucky escape and our life would have been miserable together

Oh god I'd never have considered having a baby with someone who has so little contact with their own kids or lives so far away.
Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2022 12:46

You don't have time to wait for treatment on the NHS. You literally can't waste a single day if you want a child.

Anthurium · 26/01/2022 12:54

@IncompleteSenten

He's full of shit. Of course he knew He was hoping he could put it off until you were not able to have a child.
This.

I recently gave birth to a baby which was conceived via IVF and a sperm donor. I did the process aged 39.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and now looking back you probably ought not to have got involved with a man with 2 children, but it is what it is and most of us have been with men who were flakey/future faked us in some way.

Absolutely get to a fertility clinic Asap and find out what your options are in order to move forward. As other posters have said, it may already be too late (to use your own eggs), but you'll need to discuss your personal circumstances and medical history with a Dr at the clinic.

My life is unrecognizable to what it was a year ago. I was miserable, depressed, regretful, bitter as I genuinely thought I'd missed out on motherhood. I'd spent many years in wrong relationships. You have to reframe your thinking around what a family is and that it doesn't always involve a romantic partner. You can always go back to dating once after having the child.

Iwonder08 · 26/01/2022 13:11

Why everyone is so angry with this guy.. OP said herself she didn't want children when they got together and then changed her mind. The guy tried to take it on board but then also changed his mind. You are just not on the same page. So do move on. If IVF alone is what you think is right then don't waste time and go private