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Original poster

My bf wants to wait to have a baby I'm 42

111 replies

Toolateyogi · 24/01/2022 15:31

Hi Everyone

First time posting on here.i hqve just broken up with my boyfriend of 1 year. We were supposed to move in together in 2 months and he has just decided he thinks its too soon and wants to wait 8 months. There is no negotiating on time due to rental contracts.

When we got together he said he didn't want kids. I fell for him so hard he understood me so well that I thought I could give up having children and that I'm 2 old. He has 2 of his own already that are 5 and 7.

5 months later once I started spending time with his children I realised I couldn't give up on having my own and I was willing to go down the single parent ivf route. He was adamant he didn't want so I broke up with him.

3 weeks later he's changed his mind, wants kids , wants to be with me , so we get back together with a march move in date planned.

Now he wants to delay the move In, thinks its too soon and we are rushing it. Still wants to be with me. Still wants a baby with me.

I feel at 42 I don't have time to waste on this man (who is wonderful and I love him) . He could change his mind in 8 months and say he doesn't want a baby.

I don't want to put all my eggs in his basket . So I broke it off. My parents think he will come crawling back. I don't think so. And I'm not doing this to scare him into coming back but I don't think he thought I would genuinely go through with breaking up with him.

Just wanted to hear on others experiences. Is 42 too late to meet someone else. Am I right to give up on this guy?

OP posts:
Diggersaursarethebest · 26/01/2022 13:16

He’s a cunt who was wasting your time hoping of he stalled you wouldn’t be able to get pregnant and he’d get you without a child. Fuck him.
Best of luck with the solo ivf OP.

Diggersaursarethebest · 26/01/2022 13:17

Everyone is angry because a woman in her early forties has zero time to waste with these decisions. He should have let her go when she broke up with him last year.

girlmom21 · 26/01/2022 13:17

@Iwonder08

Why everyone is so angry with this guy.. OP said herself she didn't want children when they got together and then changed her mind. The guy tried to take it on board but then also changed his mind. You are just not on the same page. So do move on. If IVF alone is what you think is right then don't waste time and go private
They split up half a year ago and he said he did want kids and wanted to move in then kept messing her around
SocialConnection · 26/01/2022 13:20

He's wary after the collapse of his relationship of plunging into another so soon.

He doesn't want another baby when he already has two.

He isn't particularly interested in setting up home with you.

At 42, your body clock is screaming that realistically you can expect peri menopause to come knocking very soon.

Looks like an either/or situation.

You either pin all your hopes on a reluctant prospect and wait until he feels ready ... or not ... and accept 'too late' may be the result ...

Or you move on.

MizzFizz · 26/01/2022 14:23

At 42 you may need a donor egg too (your doctors will be able to tell you). If you're serious about having a child, that needs to be your priority now, but it isn't fair on your ex to be rushed, especially when he has his children to think of. So I think it's sensible you broke it off, but don't look for another partner - get going with your IVF.

Sillyotter · 26/01/2022 14:43

Sounds like your wants and needs are not aligned. I also feel his rapid 180 on the kids matter in order to win you back is a red flag that he might be telling you what you want to hear.

user1471604848 · 26/01/2022 22:55

I'd do IVF with donor sperm. If it works, you'll have your child, and he has his two.
Then you can decide if you want to be a blended family.

This means you're taking control of your reproductive choices. He should have no issue with you having a child (his future stepchild), since you'd equally have two step children (his kids).

user1471604848 · 26/01/2022 22:56

For context, I did IVF with donor sperm, and have 2-year old twins.

TracyMosby · 26/01/2022 22:59

But he came back 3 weeks later totally up for it, realising he wanted a chance at another family as his 2 kids live 200 miles away
I dont understand why this would convince you to give him another go rather than move on!!!!

mumpea · 26/01/2022 23:21

Sadly he wanted you but never wanted another child he should of always been straight up but at least it's over now and you might still have time to get pregnant or adopting? I am 43 and four months pregnant but it took about 8 months to conceive our second child. My friend got pregnant at 44 1/2 naturally. May you be blessed on your journey whatever you decide and go easy on yourself most importantly

user1481840227 · 26/01/2022 23:35

@Toolateyogi

Wow so we spoke on phone this afternoon and during the 24 hours I had dumped him he realised that he doesn't want a baby.

Said he didn't know until the last 24 hours!

I am so angry that I wasted my time and went back to this man that said he wanted to start a family with me and move in together in 2 months. I had already given my housemate notice!

So angry and upset right now

To be fair to him he did tell you at the start that he didn't want kids, and even though you did you said you fell for him so hard that you thought you could give them up.

5 months in, during the honeymoon period, you broke up with him over it, and it's just as likely that he had fallen for you so hard that he romanticised the idea of having the family etc. because he really wanted to be with you.

It's shit of course but it doesn't sound like it's all his fault, you were both blinded by love unfortunately.

I hope you manage to pick yourself up quickly and get what you want Flowers

user1481840227 · 26/01/2022 23:47

Also just to add, at least him confirming to you again that he doesn't want a baby gives you closure. You now know for sure that you're right to give up on him.

aurynne · 27/01/2022 08:44

At 42 it is too old to "freeze your own eggs". There will be very few viable, chromosomally normal eggs in your ovaries, and the process of stimulation may very well damage the very few you still may have.

You wil most likely be advised to use donor eggs, otherwise your chances of success, especially as you have no partner to try every month, will be very low with your own eggs.

i agree that you need to call the fertility clinic today.

gannett · 27/01/2022 09:07

To be fair to the guy, the OP moved the goalposts first. They started their relationship in agreement on no children. So she messed him around, then he messed her around, and all in only one year, which is a ludicrously short length of time to know whether you want to commit to having children with someone anyway.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/01/2022 10:52

@Toolateyogi Is 42 too late to meet someone else. You ask this in your OP. It isn't too late to meet someone, but if you mean is it too late to meet someone to have a child with I would have to say it is. If you want a child and are happy to have one alone then you need to be moving on that right now, not in 6 months and certainly not waiting for a new relationship.

NewtoHolland · 27/01/2022 11:20

Aurynnes post is worth noting.
If you have decided that you definitely want a child, the time to start this IVF journey is ASAP. You may be really fortunate and have healthy enough eggs, but it's important.to be be aware that donor eggs from a younger donor may be advised. At this stage time is really really precious.

trickytimes · 27/01/2022 11:24

He’s not ready and has young kids already. 5 and 7 are exhausting and he’s got his kids so the chances of him changing his mind are slim. You were going to do it alone before so do that. You’ve dated someone with kids so there’s no reason why you can’t take a couple of years out, have the baby and when you’re all healed up and sorted go back and date. It is ok to want it all and have it. You don’t need a bloke to have a child.

MiniHouse · 12/01/2023 06:56

Thanks. There's something that makes me wary. You broke up because you wanted kids and he didn't. He got back together with you saying he wanted kids. Then he asks you to wait at 42.

I understand he may not want kids as he has them. However, he has messed you about (probably unintentionally but still..) If you wait 6 months are you confident he'll try as much as you want and that he'll be committed to having another child? You will be frustrated at waiting. I'm sort of in a similar position at 38 (though 2nd child) and it's taking a toll on my mental health and relationship.

I advise you are frank with him that you cannot wait, you understand his position but this does not change the reality that you don't have much time and this is why you're going through the donor route.

I wish you every success on your journey ❤️

MiniHouse · 12/01/2023 07:01

Also OP you ask if 42 is too late to meet someone else. I don't think you'll meet someone (at least on a dating website) who wants a child straight away and chooses someone aged 42.

A male friend told me that if a man desperately want kids most would screen out women above a certain age (I've read others' experience of this too). So you'd be attracting a man who wasn't primarily interested in having kids which means you couldn't persuade them to TTC with much commitment.

barmycatmum · 12/01/2023 07:02

I’m sorry, but no one should be rushed or pushed to have a child.
it’s a life - changing commitment.

i understand you feel time is running out, and if adoption isn’t something you want, you can do this on your own.

Thesealsknowsheismagic · 12/01/2023 07:10

MiniHouse · 12/01/2023 07:01

Also OP you ask if 42 is too late to meet someone else. I don't think you'll meet someone (at least on a dating website) who wants a child straight away and chooses someone aged 42.

A male friend told me that if a man desperately want kids most would screen out women above a certain age (I've read others' experience of this too). So you'd be attracting a man who wasn't primarily interested in having kids which means you couldn't persuade them to TTC with much commitment.

op Will be 43 now. Hopefully, managed to have a baby alone.

MiniHouse · 12/01/2023 07:14

Sorry, need to check the date. Didn't realise it was an old post. Yes I hope so ❤️

Clymene · 12/01/2023 07:14

Why do people keep bumping really old threads?

MiniHouse · 12/01/2023 08:25

They put them on your list of related threads, like if it's similar to something you've posted on before. But now I know I'll be sure to check the date!

JFDIYOLO · 12/01/2023 11:43

A man with very young children but doesn't live with them either walked on on them, or his ex needed to get them away from him.

He's flaked on you once already.

He's told you he doesn't want another child.

All the stuff he's putting you through now is a sneak preview of what he'll be putting you through later, with another baby in the mix.

At 42 it's very possible you're heading in to perimenopause and conception will become increasingly unlikely, so time is of the essence.

There are four billion men on the planet.