Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

If you see him at work today and he asks why you are ignoring his messages you could say oh sorry, left my phone at my boyfriend's.

But actually I prefer the response above of making it plain he was always in the friend zone but that he wasn't a very good friend if he his his girlfriend for 2 years.

@ZaphodDent

Man here with sadly some experience of this kind of behaviour. Your instinct is right, he has been playing you. He's enjoyed the messaging and he didn't want to mention his GF because he enjoyed the interaction you had going.

He has 100% been messaging you while out with his GF, and pretending she doesn't exist. He has played a good basic game, he likes you enough to message you constantly but not enough to end his main relationship which has been progressing nicely unknown to you, and he's not even an actual player (as it were) who was bold enough to make a physical move on you. He's an amateur. A coward. A "nice guy".

He has nicely avoided dating you or saying anything that he could be held accountable for. And now he's messaging you about banal stuff, he'll probably never acknowledge that yes you were having a mild emotional affair.

He knows the cat is out of the bag and he knows you know.

The problem is that you are addicted to the relationship and the messaging. You've been getting a little dopamine buzz every time you see a message from him.

My advice is to recognise this addiction. It sounds dramatic but that's what it is. Think of him as a scumbag who has been playing you along, deliberately deceiving you, a bad drug that can make you feel temporarily nice but ultimately could damage your young life.

Either you're willing to confront him and tell him he's behaved badly and he needs to back off or you'll call HR, or you need to look for a new job.

This 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 You also need to be aware that his Girlfriend could contact HR if she finds out. You must cut all contact outside of working hours.

@ZaphodDent 's

The problem is that you are addicted to the relationship and the messaging. You've been getting a little dopamine buzz every time you see a message from him

This sums up perfectly why you're feeling so shit. I've been here myself.

It's so tough to break the messaging habit when you've enjoyed it for so long. Just be glad you've seen the true side of him now and remind yourself about when you said that you didn't even feel attracted to him when you saw him in the pub. You've idealised him, and that idol isn't the reality.

The reality is that he's in a presumably happy relationship with someone else.

Break ties, be happy in yourself and someone else will come along real soon who genuinely makes you happy and valued and wants to spend actual time with you.

You sound great

@Tripizie

If your feeling guilty I bet he's laid down a element of flying pig has gone past the window chat, a smidge sincere puppy eyes "have I don't anything wrong have I " chat.

Beware - if your feeling a emotion there's usually a social tie or interaction that's made you feel that way even if you don't realise it. Emotions are reactive .. what is he doing your reacting to ?

Echoing others I promise you, girl you need to run from this one ! Don't waste your years on this fecker.

You don't need to feel conflicted.

It's easy to say hey maybe I made a mistake. Maybe he's a nice guy.

He lied to you. He had a girlfriend for two years!

I don't think he's that stupid, that naive not to know what you were thinking.

He played on your emotions to get a thrill. Sending you pictures while out with his girlfriend.

He was your manager. You were young and fresh in the industry. He abused his power in a totally inappropriate text relationship with an employee if nothing else.

In any case. Even if you think he was just being a friend. I wouldn't want a friend like this in my life. Who can lie to me and treat me with such disdain.

You're worth more than this

The thumb up emoji is your friend here. Ignore his messages but if you duffel you must answer any of them, 👍works well

@Tripizie

It's tricky because he has helped me a lot with work, and I really always enjoyed chatting with him about life. Do you think it's worth trying to keep the friendship and just chat on Skype sometimes, or should I cut him off entirely?

Personally I'm a bit of a face-saver and happy to lie to liars, so I'd tell him I was going on a general digital detox or something and just dial it right down, then phase him out.

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you give a toss, he's a little so-and-so!

Thank you everyone, your kind messages have really helped me. I have resisted replying to him so far and I am now more sure that I am doing the right thing, although I think he's going to persist for a while.

Before I found out about the girlfriend, I'd always make sure to reply as quickly as possible and ask how he's doing because he'd told me he had very few friends, so I felt bad for him aswell as liking him.

But now I'm telling myself that he can message his girlfriend if he's bored, and that he's got his own secret life and it's not my concern anymore.

I think if he does message to ask if everything ok, I'll send the text suggested about not wanting to give his girlfriend the wrong idea.

I think if he does message to ask if everything ok, I'll send the text suggested about not wanting to give his girlfriend the wrong idea.

I feel like this is very passive and won't solve the issue tbh.

It gives him room to say oh don't worry it won't... and then you're in the position you're in now.

I would either not reply at all about non work related stuff, or reply saying 'It's really strange to be friends with someone for years and not tell them you have a girlfriend. It's made me uncomfortable so I would rather stick to being colleagues. Thanks.'

Because it's not that you don't want to make his gf uncomfortable (though of course that's true too) it's that he's made YOU uncomfortable. And it's ok to say that. Because what he's done is really fucking weird and it's been on purpose. For whatever reason, he wanted you to think he was single. I can't see any reason for that other than him wanting you to think he was potentially available to you or to be able to flirt with you.

He's a prick OP, don't waste too much headspace on him. He was never a true friend because a true friend wouldn't keep such a weird secret!

Another one to agree with @ZaphodDent. It is an addiction, unfortunately, and it needs to be treated as such.

Op, I would suggest to write back to him and say you’ve always seen him as a very good friend however you were not aware he had a gf and you decided to cut right back as you find that level of interaction to be offensive to her and their relationship. And as a good person that you are you don’t want to get him in trouble. You can block afterwards if you wish, or mute the conversation.

Thank you all, he's messaged me again. Just about something banal but he's trying to get me to talk to him. I'm really questioning again whether I'm over reacting. We were only ever just friends after all, he never tried to make it physical or said he liked me romantically. And I'm now being an awful person by just ghosting a friend of 2 years because I read into it.

Trip - stop beating yourself up - all that is happening here is that you are processing some inevitable cognitive dissonance. Your emotional brain knows this man as a friend & potential partner. Your logical brain found out that he isn't any such thing - but you are not a robot, so can't just "switch" your whole mind over to accept & assimilate the new information. It will take a few days or weeks to settle.

In the meantime, because you are kind, & perhaps feel diffident about "blaming" a man who you saw as your benevolent boss, mentor, friend, & possible lover, you are feeling the classic feminine response that you must not think badly of someone, & ought to take on any bad feelings by doing some self-blame.

Underneath all that is your logical knowledge that if you were to Name The Behaviour to him (ie say to him some of what you have said to us here) - he would deny, minimise, make you feel foolish. So now you are getting in first with a lovely bit of self-blame. Possibly even punishing yourself - thinking things like "I am awful" -"I am ghosting a friend" - "I am being over-sensitive" ...

You're not doing or being any of those things.
What's more - you're almost gaslighting yourself ! These are exactly the kind of phrases gaslighters use. You know why they work? - because they brilliantly play into the insecurities & self doubt & #BeKind bullshit that humans (esp. women) already feel.

The good news is - as you smartly recognise yourself - that this feeling is temporary:
I'll hold off replying to him now though whilst I get a grip of myself.
It may recur, you will have rollercoaster feelings for a while - but as a wise old chum once taught me "sometimes I just hang in there for 10 minutes, until my brain chemistry changes a bit & the worst of the feeling passes."

So when you are tempted to respond - think on all of the above, & give it 10 minutes!

Even if you did get together eventually, if he is the sort to withhold such information, he would do the same again through life.

You don't ask friends to tell you when you arrive home or at your holiday destination - make no mistake, he was enjoying hooking you in and the attention you gave him

@ChargingBuck

Thank you all, he's messaged me again. Just about something banal but he's trying to get me to talk to him. I'm really questioning again whether I'm over reacting. We were only ever just friends after all, he never tried to make it physical or said he liked me romantically. And I'm now being an awful person by just ghosting a friend of 2 years because I read into it.

Trip - stop beating yourself up - all that is happening here is that you are processing some inevitable cognitive dissonance. Your emotional brain knows this man as a friend & potential partner. Your logical brain found out that he isn't any such thing - but you are not a robot, so can't just "switch" your whole mind over to accept & assimilate the new information. It will take a few days or weeks to settle.

In the meantime, because you are kind, & perhaps feel diffident about "blaming" a man who you saw as your benevolent boss, mentor, friend, & possible lover, you are feeling the classic feminine response that you must not think badly of someone, & ought to take on any bad feelings by doing some self-blame.

Underneath all that is your logical knowledge that if you were to Name The Behaviour to him (ie say to him some of what you have said to us here) - he would deny, minimise, make you feel foolish. So now you are getting in first with a lovely bit of self-blame. Possibly even punishing yourself - thinking things like "I am awful" -"I am ghosting a friend" - "I am being over-sensitive" ...

You're not doing or being any of those things.
What's more - you're almost gaslighting yourself ! These are exactly the kind of phrases gaslighters use. You know why they work? - because they brilliantly play into the insecurities & self doubt & #BeKind bullshit that humans (esp. women) already feel.

The good news is - as you smartly recognise yourself - that this feeling is temporary:
I'll hold off replying to him now though whilst I get a grip of myself.
It may recur, you will have rollercoaster feelings for a while - but as a wise old chum once taught me "sometimes I just hang in there for 10 minutes, until my brain chemistry changes a bit & the worst of the feeling passes."

So when you are tempted to respond - think on all of the above, & give it 10 minutes!

Thank you so much for this, it's really made me feel a lot better. I've been going through our old Skype and Teams conversations and taking photos or any incriminating comments/times when he's hid his girlfriend as our company deletes all messages every few months. I think it will be useful for me to look back on when I'm started to question whether I have been imagining it, but these messages confirm to me that I haven't.

You've all been so incredibly lovely. I can't believe that so many of you have gone out of your way to send really long and detailed replies to an anonymous stranger online but it's incredibly kind of you all. I will keep looking back on this thread when it gets tough. Im sorry if I haven't responded to any messages but I have read and taken all of them in and I'm really appreciative.

@ZaphodDent

Man here with sadly some experience of this kind of behaviour. Your instinct is right, he has been playing you. He's enjoyed the messaging and he didn't want to mention his GF because he enjoyed the interaction you had going.

He has 100% been messaging you while out with his GF, and pretending she doesn't exist. He has played a good basic game, he likes you enough to message you constantly but not enough to end his main relationship which has been progressing nicely unknown to you, and he's not even an actual player (as it were) who was bold enough to make a physical move on you. He's an amateur. A coward. A "nice guy".

He has nicely avoided dating you or saying anything that he could be held accountable for. And now he's messaging you about banal stuff, he'll probably never acknowledge that yes you were having a mild emotional affair.

He knows the cat is out of the bag and he knows you know.

The problem is that you are addicted to the relationship and the messaging. You've been getting a little dopamine buzz every time you see a message from him.

My advice is to recognise this addiction. It sounds dramatic but that's what it is. Think of him as a scumbag who has been playing you along, deliberately deceiving you, a bad drug that can make you feel temporarily nice but ultimately could damage your young life.

Either you're willing to confront him and tell him he's behaved badly and he needs to back off or you'll call HR, or you need to look for a new job.

And just to come back to this, you're so spot on.

I really was addicted to the dopamine rush from his texts. Every time I saw his name pop up with a message i'd be so thrilled, and of he hadn't texted for a day or two then I'd be so anxious and constantly checking my phone to see if he had messaged. I was addicted and I do now need to wean myself off that. I hadn't thought of it as an addiction but in a way, it really was.

Great you are feeling so much better already Trip - give yourself a pat on the back for resilience & emotional self-regulation :)

Bear in mind you do have agency in this situation.
You can continue the 'slow fade', or decide to meet the elephant in the room head on at some point.

Naming The Behaviour is immensely powerful.
@youvegottenminuteslynn & @CheekyHobson have made brilliant suggestions, the phrasing of which puts all the awkward where it belongs - with him.
I made one a few pages back, something along the lines of "I can't believe you told me your girlfriend was a cat - how embarrassing for you" but I hope better phrased ...

Whichever one you go with, if you do, what you need to convey is amused disdain, & a withdrawal of your good self from a situation that is not as it was presented.
It's also really, really important to get your head round this before you do anything -
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

• because I guarantee that he will being trying to manipulate you into JADE, so that he can probe for weak spots & reinsert himself into your personal life. He will not enjoy the feeling of loss of control, loss of his pet 'project', or the realisation that you are not the little ingénue he took you for. So protect yourself - armour up!

Can you imagine finding out that your Partner, of at least 2 years, has been messaging another woman, even at times when he's been with you? On and on, and on and on, for two whole years.

This man is a pig. He is deceitful, and a liar to boot. If he can be this deceitful to a woman that he lives with, and presumably claims to love, then he would do the same to you in heartbeat.

I'm older than you, and I've seen it all. You won't be the only OW that he is texting, there will be several. Because it's addictive, and one OW is never enough.

Stop saying he's your friend. He isn't. He's anything but. Ignore his messages. He's fishing to see if you're angry with him, because he knows he's been rumbled.

I was the girlfriend of a man like this

THis really hit home
He's an amateur. A coward. A "nice guy"

So sorry OP- I saw a PP who said about calling it out - his workmates obviously know what he is like if they brought up his GF in front of you
If it was me, I'd be tempted to tell a few key people (gossips) how he was messaging you so much you thought he was single!
Others will disagree but for women 'being the bigger person' or not 'creating drama' often means 'let men get away with it'

I don't think you give him any clue that you're the least bit upset. Otherwise you'll just be further stroking his ego, which is just what he wants. Play it cool and don't give him any indication that you are rattled by the news of his gf's existence.

*should

Play it cool and don't give him any indication that you are rattled by the news of his gf's existence.

Doesn't really work though, because they have a two-year history of regular/near-daily contact. If the news of his girlfriend's existence didn't rattle her, she'd be chatting away like usual. She's not though, so something is clearly up.

The difficulty is explaining what's up relies on what's never been said. She feels embarrassed because she had a secret crush on him and kept the relationship going because she hoped for more from it, and he feels embarrassed because he had a secret girlfriend and kept the relationship going because he enjoyed the ego boost.

The important thing for the OP to recognise is that only one of these situations is genuinely something to be embarrassed about. There should be nothing embarrassing about being attracted to a person who is nice to you and treats you like you're special but it's extremely embarrassing to pretend to be single when you're not in order to keep up a flattering friendship.

@CheekyHobson

Absolutely this. Beautifully stated.

If it were me I'd block him on everything and make a clean break. If I had to interact at work I'd be professional and polite but no more. If someone had made a fool of me like this, it would be the end. I don't accept being treated so shabbily.

Do you really want to be used in this way? Have some pride! It's never going to be anything more. Even if you walked away into the sunset it'll never be a happy ever after. Walk away now and cut all ties.

@gotore have you read the whole thread? That's exactly what OP is doing!