Colleague emotional affair - just found out that I'm the 'other woman'

[Tripizie]

I just posted this in 'chat' but I think that's the wrong section so moving it to here.

Its hard to know where to start with this. I'm new to the site and really just need to vent and get it all out and I highly doubt he'll be reading Mumsnet, so hopefully I can do so anonymously.

3 years ago, I finished university and started a grad job as a big firm. I was 21, stressed, anxious and felt incredibly out of my depth.

My manager at the time was a 27 year old man who I quickly came to rely on. He was charismatic, charming and extremely supportive. Over the time that we worked together we got closer and he would message me all day everyday on Teams about banal topics. He would ring me and we'd spend all day chatting about life and our upbringing. He asked about me and made me feel special and I loved talking to him everyday.

He then over time started texting me every evening and all day at the weekend about topics nothing to do with work. It would be photos of th lunch he was eating, or the show he was watching, or the park he was at. But it was constant.

This has been going on for 2 years and we still talk all day every day. I really fell deeply for him and thought that he just like me too, to the extent that I turned down other men who've approached me because none matched up to him.

Anyway, cut to last night. He asked me for a drink with him and some of his friends. I went and his friends started asking about his girlfriend. They've been together for over 2 years and are about to buy a house together.

He has outright lied to me this whole time about her. He told me he spent Christmas alone but he was actually with her. He said he went on holiday with 'a friend' but it was with her. He told me he was buying a house for 'me and my cat' - aka no mention of the girlfriend.

I was and still am devestated. I'm angry I've wasted all this time on him and that he's lied to me. I feel awful for his poor girlfriend. I'm still trying to cut off my feelings for him and I've been ingnoring his messages this morning, but we still work together so it will be tricky.

Anyway I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this but thank you for reading this far. I just needed to get it off my chest.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Tripizie ahh the whole oh did you see that flying pig go past the window chat,

• then there will be the sincere puppy eyes "have I don't anything wrong have I " chat,

-The moody and you don't have to be off with me chat (cold shouldering - extra points if he can make you feel excluded/jealous)

• let's keep it professional chat whilst implying you had crossed the line chat

• the confessions/feelings chat (it's just because I have fallen in love with you chat)

• the dying man on his sword chat " if you feel uncomfortable I understand I will leave you alone" but then suspiciously he's everywhere and doesn't leave you alone

Even when you say no, they will find a way to ignore that no and keep being present because that no means little to them.

Good luck op these ones per persistent little fuckers. [/quote]
I'll keep an eye out for these! I'm hoping his ego will be too big for him to persist now I've made it clear I'm ignoring him, but I don't know. I'm also already starting to miss talking to him, pathetically. This is going to be difficult but I'm telling myself it will be worth it.

Fill the gap with other things OP. When you miss him message a friend instead. Start to rebuild without him.

@Tripizie

Ah sorry I'm bad at this, my last comment was a really to Dave asking if I ever asked who he was with!

Just click Quote and it will put the original post you are replying to at the top, like this.

@HollowTalk

I would have dropped him in it last night. "A girlfriend? You've never mentioned her before. Why did you spend Christmas on your own if you have a girlfriend?" etc. In front of them, too, so that they knew what he was like.

^ This

We've all done things we later regret. Just put this down to experience.

You need to give him a very wide berth. Perhaps time to look for a new job?

I'm also already starting to miss talking to him, pathetically. This is going to be difficult but I'm telling myself it will be worth it.

It's not pathetic, it's completely normal to feel sad and miss contact with and attention from someone who you considered a good friend, and a potential romantic partner. There's a big and sudden gap in your life (due to the high level of investment you had in your relationship with him) and it's tough to grapple with the idea that you made a bad investment.

So don't be down on yourself for having totally normal feelings about this. As the wise PP suggested, whenever you find yourself feeling sad and missing him, use it as a cue to get in touch with someone who is a more reliable friend, or a better prospect to build a friendship with. Or just do something nice for yourself – have a bath or watch a funny movie or treat yourself to a nice meal.

I would just contact him and say in light of the news he has a girlfriend you should keep all communication strictly work related from now on as you wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea. Then stick to that and give yourself time to get over this rat.
This

Thank you all, he's messaged me again. Just about something banal but he's trying to get me to talk to him. I'm really questioning again whether I'm over reacting. We were only ever just friends after all, he never tried to make it physical or said he liked me romantically. And I'm now being an awful person by just ghosting a friend of 2 years because I read into it.

Im sorry, I'm just really conflicted and struggling to know what the right thing is to do. I'll hold off replying to him now though whilst I get a grip of myself.

You're completely doing the right thing. Just remember when you start to doubt yourself: he deliberately concealed that fact he had a girlfriend. All the times he naturally would have mentioned her, and he didn't. Manipulative bastard.

Honestly, you're doing really well. You're not giving him the chance to pull you back in. He will keep trying and you're going to feel much better about yourself and as though you're the one in control if you keep going as you are. You owe him nothing.

@Tripizie, but he did flirt with you? He did, imo, lead you on. That's my understanding so far. He also lied ( by omission). If you were such good friends, why not mention his girlfriend?

I know you're hurting and you're feeling conflicted, you're bound to be. Just take some time out. You don't need to reply to anything just yet. I feel for you, I really do.

I've got male and female friends. I'm fairly sure I knew within a few days of meeting them if they had significant others, what they were called, what they did for a living etc. People lke to talk about their partners. They especially don't write them out of house-buying/holiday scenarios. It's such an unnatural, manipulative thing to do.

He is manipulative and I would even go as far as saying he is controlling you .

He has taken advantage of his position. You have been coerced into a cycle of manipulation.

He is now trying to manipulate you into responding to him by making out because it is a work issue via Skype you need to respond .

Do not respond because :
A. It is not during work hours
B . Skype calls are not recorded and he is trying to stay under the radar .

I bet he has also manipulated you over the years by withdrawing contact when you have tried to break the contact / go on dates etc ... what that does is stop you from continuing on with your life and draws you back in .

@Tripizie

Thank you all, he's messaged me again. Just about something banal but he's trying to get me to talk to him. I'm really questioning again whether I'm over reacting. We were only ever just friends after all, he never tried to make it physical or said he liked me romantically. And I'm now being an awful person by just ghosting a friend of 2 years because I read into it.

Im sorry, I'm just really conflicted and struggling to know what the right thing is to do. I'll hold off replying to him now though whilst I get a grip of myself.

Just ignore him, if it's work related he will contact you via work email. Ignore him trying to manipulate you

@Tripizie

Thank you all, he's messaged me again. Just about something banal but he's trying to get me to talk to him. I'm really questioning again whether I'm over reacting. We were only ever just friends after all, he never tried to make it physical or said he liked me romantically. And I'm now being an awful person by just ghosting a friend of 2 years because I read into it.

Im sorry, I'm just really conflicted and struggling to know what the right thing is to do. I'll hold off replying to him now though whilst I get a grip of myself.

You have had a big shock and you need time to get over it. Although I'm sure you feel like you want to urgently clarify the 'personal' element of your relationship or 'have it out' with him, it's actually much better for you to buy yourself time to calm down, let your head stop spinning and look at how he behaves over the next few days with a cool eye.

I'm not sure if you've completely ignored him today or if you've been responding to the work elements of his messages and nothing else, but you need to remain professional in the first instance. Answer the work-related queries fairly promptly and say nothing else. Ghosting him on work stuff will only make this into more of a 'thing'. Politely and breezily fend off any more personal enquiries.

If you can keep your head, he will absolutely show his true colours over the coming days.

He has been deliberately manipulating you. I suspect he also likes you and fancies you but he deliberately hid the existence of his girlfriend from you and encouraged you to become emotionally dependant on him. As he was your boss there was a huge power imbalance there, as reflected in the fact that you seem to have been passively waiting for him to make all the moves and decisions.
I feel sorry for his girlfriend. Why isn't he sending her all these messages?
I suspect at some level you realised that 2 years is a long time not to ask someone out if you really want a relationship with them. Women often make unbelievable excuses that they only half believe to explain why blokes haven't asked them out. It's usually just because they don't want to.

Man here with sadly some experience of this kind of behaviour. Your instinct is right, he has been playing you. He's enjoyed the messaging and he didn't want to mention his GF because he enjoyed the interaction you had going.

He has 100% been messaging you while out with his GF, and pretending she doesn't exist. He has played a good basic game, he likes you enough to message you constantly but not enough to end his main relationship which has been progressing nicely unknown to you, and he's not even an actual player (as it were) who was bold enough to make a physical move on you. He's an amateur. A coward. A "nice guy".

He has nicely avoided dating you or saying anything that he could be held accountable for. And now he's messaging you about banal stuff, he'll probably never acknowledge that yes you were having a mild emotional affair.

He knows the cat is out of the bag and he knows you know.

The problem is that you are addicted to the relationship and the messaging. You've been getting a little dopamine buzz every time you see a message from him.

My advice is to recognise this addiction. It sounds dramatic but that's what it is. Think of him as a scumbag who has been playing you along, deliberately deceiving you, a bad drug that can make you feel temporarily nice but ultimately could damage your young life.

Either you're willing to confront him and tell him he's behaved badly and he needs to back off or you'll call HR, or you need to look for a new job.

Sorry, my last post was based on the possible misinterpretation that your relationship still involves working together in some way but perhaps that's not the case.

If not responding to his work-related messages won't get you into any trouble at work then by all means continue to ignore them.

@ZaphodDent

Man here with sadly some experience of this kind of behaviour. Your instinct is right, he has been playing you. He's enjoyed the messaging and he didn't want to mention his GF because he enjoyed the interaction you had going.

He has 100% been messaging you while out with his GF, and pretending she doesn't exist. He has played a good basic game, he likes you enough to message you constantly but not enough to end his main relationship which has been progressing nicely unknown to you, and he's not even an actual player (as it were) who was bold enough to make a physical move on you. He's an amateur. A coward. A "nice guy".

He has nicely avoided dating you or saying anything that he could be held accountable for. And now he's messaging you about banal stuff, he'll probably never acknowledge that yes you were having a mild emotional affair.

He knows the cat is out of the bag and he knows you know.

The problem is that you are addicted to the relationship and the messaging. You've been getting a little dopamine buzz every time you see a message from him.

My advice is to recognise this addiction. It sounds dramatic but that's what it is. Think of him as a scumbag who has been playing you along, deliberately deceiving you, a bad drug that can make you feel temporarily nice but ultimately could damage your young life.

Either you're willing to confront him and tell him he's behaved badly and he needs to back off or you'll call HR, or you need to look for a new job.

No it's not a mild addiction... not helpful making out the op needs to curb this. The op has been manipulated .

And if you're looking for something to say when he 'innocently' brings up your sudden silence, you could go with something like this:

Him: 'Hey, are you all right? I've heard nothing from you in days. Are you angry at me about something?'
You: 'I'm not angry but you're right, I have been avoiding you because I haven't really known what to say to you.'
Him: 'Oh! Why's that?' (if he says anything at ALL along these lines, ie feigns innocence, then that's a stone-cold sign that he's a manipulative fucker)
You: 'Well, because I was really taken by surprise on Sunday when your friends started talking about your girlfriend. We've been good friends for three years and you've never once mentioned her. In fact, you've totally avoided mentioning her and even lied about being on your own when you were obviously with her. I felt quite embarrassed that I considered us good friends and yet didn't know about a really important part of your life. I can't understand why you've gone to quite significant lengths to hide her from me.'

Then just sit back and let the blustering and excuse-making begin. When he's finished, you can coolly say something along the lines of, 'Well, you have your reasons but they don't make a lot of sense to me, and I really don't like that you've been so deceitful. It's made me see you quite differently. To be honest, I think it's best if we take a big step back from our friendship. I'm happy to keep an amicable working relationship but that's all, really.'

@CheekyHobson

And if you're looking for something to say when he 'innocently' brings up your sudden silence, you could go with something like this:

Him: 'Hey, are you all right? I've heard nothing from you in days. Are you angry at me about something?'
You: 'I'm not angry but you're right, I have been avoiding you because I haven't really known what to say to you.'
Him: 'Oh! Why's that?' (if he says anything at ALL along these lines, ie feigns innocence, then that's a stone-cold sign that he's a manipulative fucker)
You: 'Well, because I was really taken by surprise on Sunday when your friends started talking about your girlfriend. We've been good friends for three years and you've never once mentioned her. In fact, you've totally avoided mentioning her and even lied about being on your own when you were obviously with her. I felt quite embarrassed that I considered us good friends and yet didn't know about a really important part of your life. I can't understand why you've gone to quite significant lengths to hide her from me.'

Then just sit back and let the blustering and excuse-making begin. When he's finished, you can coolly say something along the lines of, 'Well, you have your reasons but they don't make a lot of sense to me, and I really don't like that you've been so deceitful. It's made me see you quite differently. To be honest, I think it's best if we take a big step back from our friendship. I'm happy to keep an amicable working relationship but that's all, really.'

Perfect

All the best op, you certainly are down the rabbit hole, a bit though no fault of your own.

Just be glad you are not the gf he conveniently airbrushed out of his life to pursue you, his emotional affair. You have no had a lucky escape. Look for someone nicer and real not a Walter Mitty.

I think you should message him......to get the number of his friends partner who dropped him right in it. She is clearly looking out for you in a way he never has or will.

I hate men who use women as hobbies......something to keep them amused.

I suspect that the woman who let you into his big secret has tried to do the same for his GF and, so far, the GF has her fingers in her ears going LALALALAALALA!!! but one day she will have to listen.

Thank goodness you heard right the first time.

FWIW, I was the GF (wife actually) in this scenario and my fingers where firmly jammed in my ears, I just didnt want to hear it. I wish I had listened, I lost 12 years of my life to a cheating lying abusive bastard. When your best friend (who knew him before she knew you) is trying to talk you out of marrying someone the night before your wedding (and the 2 years before that), you really should listen!

men who use women as hobbies

OMG such a bang-on way of expressing it

@Tripizie

Thank you all, he's messaged me again. Just about something banal but he's trying to get me to talk to him. I'm really questioning again whether I'm over reacting. We were only ever just friends after all, he never tried to make it physical or said he liked me romantically. And I'm now being an awful person by just ghosting a friend of 2 years because I read into it.

Im sorry, I'm just really conflicted and struggling to know what the right thing is to do. I'll hold off replying to him now though whilst I get a grip of myself.

Remember this is a friend of two years that didn't tell you he has a girlfriend. If it were truly just friends from him why would he never mention the person he's buying a house with?

@Tripizie

Thank you all, he's messaged me again. Just about something banal but he's trying to get me to talk to him. I'm really questioning again whether I'm over reacting. We were only ever just friends after all, he never tried to make it physical or said he liked me romantically. And I'm now being an awful person by just ghosting a friend of 2 years because I read into it.

Im sorry, I'm just really conflicted and struggling to know what the right thing is to do. I'll hold off replying to him now though whilst I get a grip of myself.

A friend would tell another friend they were in a relationship. You'd most likely have even met the partner on a number of occasions. Friends don't lie to other friends about where they've spent time, or who they've spent it with, in order to actively conceal a relationship. If a friend fancied you, they wouldn't string you along for two years (TWO YEARS) without asking you out, or alluding to a future that was never going to happen. He enjoyed the attention and the conversations, and likely the fact that you weren't dating other people because he was string you along. Go on dates, and tell him. I'd be really interested to see what he does.