As soon as i sleep with them its over

[Bringsexyback]

This is an absolute that’s been going on for 10 years since I split up with my ex-husband I’ll meet someone doesn’t matter whether I make him wait 48 hours or three months the moment I get into bed with them that’s it game over.

Has anyone else experience this genuinely not rubbish in bed doing kinky freaky stuff as one might expect giving and receiving I’m not a mattress.
Any insight would be gratefully received

Apologies that was a that badly placed typo, it should’ve said I don’t want to do kinky or freaky stuff I’m very normal.

Do you seem to date similar men?

Do you change your behaviour after sleeping with them? Im not saying this to place 'blame' at your feet im more wondering since its been going on so long do you maybe become anxious that history will repeat or anything which might change the feel of things? Besides that id be at a loss also.

That’s a good question I mean physically, do I have a type no not really. Ive dated rich guys ive dated poor guys, the only ones I will not date is unemployed because Im super cautious of cocklodgers having been down that road before as well. I always get rid of the ones who are super pushy, I went out for dinner with one guy and we literally walked back to my car together and he was trying to finger me in the car park, we were both 46 years old ffs. So those guys don’t last.

It’s been water off a ducks back for years and it’s not really bothered me because I’ve not met anyone I like to before but last week i did like him and I thought things were going really well and we’ve been dating for about six weeks before the deed occurred and then this week as if I don’t exist.

Honestly I am so terrified of coming across as being needy I’m extremely careful not to if that makes sense ? I’m very much a replier. I won’t instigate any texting at all and if they don’t reply to my text I would never double text I just get so anxious about it I don’t wanna come across as being a psycho 🤣

Do you tell people you want a relationship and to be exclusive

After 3-5 dates I usually ease it into the conversation somehow subtly

I've never had a problem working out the non-starters from relationship material

3 relationships that all lasted at least a year from online dating

Are they talking to other people and you're the backup?
Sorry if that sounds harsh but sometimes I have a backup in mind (I only have sex with one person at a time but will multiple date)
Maybe if you're only replying to messages they think your available when THEY want you and your not telling them that you're hoping it will lead to a commitment

Tldr: tell the guys what you want and expect, have boundaries and stick to them

I’m sure blokes have a checklist that goes something like:

(1) date woman
(2) be nice, say the right things, flirt a bit
(3a) try it on – if successful, bingo, mission accomplished …. NEEEEEEXT
(3b) try it on – if unsuccessful, return to step (2), then (3a)
(3c) try it on – if unsuccessful for the umpteenth time then dump her – life’s too short / this dating lark is getting expensive.
(4) strut around thinking they’re an absolute great catch / stud muffin because it’s quantity not quality….right?

I am crystal clear on the fact that I want a relationship and I’m also crystal clear as to where the starting point of that is if you put your cock in me we’re in a relationship and I blatantly am that blunt in a joking way. But yeah there’s no margin for error believe me.

And of course they do tell me that they’re not talking to other people I don’t know obviously if that’s true.

I can see why you'd rather wait for them to initiate after having this issue a few times. I wonder if, after a few weeks of dating and after intimacy, that translates to slight disinterest? Really hard to say without literally asking them. Could just be a weird run of emotionally unavailable men...its not unheard of !

Also it strikes me from one of your posts that you haven't felt bothered before which sounds like you weren't very enthused about any of them till now. I think that does translate to men. Most of us don't really start relationships....in our 40s especially with kids and exes...without having the distinct enthusiasm and blind optimism required to face the realities of blended families/emotional baggage etc.

Yeah I think you might be right there, perhaps they felt they were being used for sex who knows it’s entirely possible isn’t it?
I’ve definitely had a lot going on and the thought of adding another human into the mix of it in terms of emotional strain and then everything that they bring with them as well hasn’t filled me with enthusiasm.

But it doesn’t matter what you tell them if all THEY’re after is a shag and enjoy the thrill of the chase. If THEY’re not ready for the commitment they’ll say/do whatever you want to hear if it means they’ll get laid.

It's great that you know what you want and can verbalise that clearly (and I'm quite envious actually!) but men can be quite sly and deceptive if it means they'll get what they want.

Fine tune your BS Filter!

I think maybe you've answered your own question?. As much as any of us think we mask our emotions, if that was how you were feeling about them its going to be coming across in some way.

A few years back I was dating someone. I liked him, wasn't champing at the bit but he was really nice and the sex was great. We'd organised a date for a week later and I just got on with my life. Didnt text him. He texted me a bit and I replied. Then he called me the night before the date and said 'this isnt happening is it?'. I was surprised and said... we arranged the date so to me we have a date. And he said 'no....in 7 days you literally haven't been in touch. Its not going anywhere is it?' I admitted probably what he was after wasn't where I was at at that point. So, people notice in the small ways whether there's enthusiasm and interest

Maybe you have to throw them a bone (text) every now and then to show interest. Maybe you can row your boat back to the center of the river between too needy/not interested.

You must just be going for shallow guys. Change your type x

I think if it’s a pattern that repeats frequently - than it must be something in the way you are that either attracts a certain type of men, or scares/pushes men away.
Maybe both?

As to who you go for - it’s impossible for us to tell.
But on your side of things - and judging from the few posts (which is, obviously not easy) - what jumps at me is -

• it’s possible they read you as stand off’ish and not interested. As you leave balls in their court to contact you. I know you are trying to not be needy, but they possibly read it as detached and not interested in them….
• your statement on the ‘relationship starts from the moment of sex’. I think if I was in early phases of dating and a man told me that once I have slept with him he’d be considering me as committed to him - I’d think of that as a red flag. And controlling.

And running as well. I think your stance on that - and the way you express it - is something that scares people off.

I appreciate the feedback, i mean the obvious solution for the “relationship starts with sex” issue is then to not have sex until they initiate that we are in a relationship. I doubt theyd stick around for that.

I am stand off ish and very unlikely to change being honest so again thats a bit take it or leave it 🙈

OP - out of curiosity - why are you so hang up on sex being this significant a step?
How can you possibly be willing to tie yourself to ‘being in a relationship’ with someone you barely met?

I think when people in our 40-50s (sorry if I am wrong about your age group) - it takes a while to get to know each other and see if there is an actual fit. And demanding a ‘commitment’ at such early stage is unusual. The usual development of a relationship is people date, get closer, see how it feels after a while and then decide that they are committed. It can’t be forced the way you want it to be.
I think you think/fear that unless you demand it - they’ll be out sleeping around with anything that moves. Why are you assuming the worst of the people you meet?
Relationships always require taking a chance on the other person, a leap of faith. You are,
for some too scared to do it.

Your approach also shows you as being very rigid, demanding and overall difficult.
It’s fine to be what you are, of course. Maybe you don’t really want a relationship, or don’t want it enough.

As we age - it is harder for us to get into relationship as we are a lot less accommodating, and any relationship does require a degree of accommodation.

I think to be brutal because I got fucked and dumped a lot when I was younger and used for sex. And therefore I am just not prepared to be with anybody who I think isn’t going to be careful with my heart for want of a better description and then it turns out that they’re not anyway which just really I suppose cements my opinions of men. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy isn’t it?
It’s not a case if I want to be in a relationship with somebody after five minutes I am more than happy to wait three even six months before making that decision but they’re not prepared to wait that long for sex so it’s a case if I throw it out there and say will fine we can have sex if you want but at that stage I am expecting you to stop dating other people and concentrate your efforts 100% on me I really honestly don’t think that’s unreasonable.

I dunno, if you are making men chase you to the point where you won’t even instigate text conversations and are that worried about ‘double texting’ seems to me you’re going to attract guys who are all about the chase - that is, those who really want a conquest so are prepared to put in that level of effort.

I feel like of two people like each other then it’s about mutually enjoying conversations, rather than who texts who first - within reason of course.

When I was younger I definately found this. Sometimes it didn't even get to sex, everything just felt like a non starter. Time wasters, players, creeps, narcissists and as you say, men that were only after sex whether you waited or not.

I don't know what changed other than me being older and less focussed on finding a boyfriend, more blasé about it (and better at spotting red flags) but I'd say 4 out of the last 5 ppl have all wanted relationships. I only got with one and it was relatively short lived but definately not a sex based thing and me that ended it. But the feel was different of those last 4. I don't know how to explain it other than with the ppl before, I never felt secure. My instinct was thar they were not going to stay around. I don't know if it's a chicken or the egg scenario and me feeling they would not choose me,are me sunbonciously push them away? Like,maybe not appearing like I had confidence in my self or something. But now, things seem to have changed.

How old are you op? Because I'm definately finding men looking for relationships more now in my early 30s than they were when I was in my 20s. And I still date men in their 20s.

I wonder if it might be the type of guys you’re attracting - but the issue is they’re emotionally avoidant types. I know you said you’ve dated men of all backgrounds, but how are they personality wise? Do they tend to be quite self-confident or “cheeky chappy” types?

*different with the last 4

Generally I suppose they are self-confident types because I can’t be with somebody who is not, in my job without giving too much away I’m a sales director for a national company I’ve got 25 sales people reporting into me 5 of which are managers, my team bills over 16 million a year.

I’m not going to be interested in or have anything in common with a shrinking Violet.

I updated all sorts from surgeons GPs lawyers to bricklayers to plumbers people that are setting up their own business, start-ups.

But yeah I would say the common denominator is that they are tall dark definition is she handsome and comfortable in their own skin.

@Pinkbonbon im 46, I wouldn’t say I’m massively experienced in relationships probably the best successful one was my marriage and I ended badly but it wasn’t a bad marriage if that makes sense ?
The issue I have with that the 30-year-olds is this I know they are going to leave me for somebody who can give them babies so I don’t even go there that’s not a pond I want to fish in. Even quite reluctant to go for somebody in his early 40s who’s got one youngest child because they still have the potential to have another one or two if they meet some woman in her 30s so I would back away from that scenario too.

Which leaves me with the 45 to 55 year olds of which I can tell you it’s slim pickings if I want to actually be physically attracted to them.