As soon as i sleep with them its over

[Bringsexyback]

This is an absolute that’s been going on for 10 years since I split up with my ex-husband I’ll meet someone doesn’t matter whether I make him wait 48 hours or three months the moment I get into bed with them that’s it game over.

Has anyone else experience this genuinely not rubbish in bed doing kinky freaky stuff as one might expect giving and receiving I’m not a mattress.
Any insight would be gratefully received

OP just read back through what you've said. You've stated that you've got a lot going on and can;t really see adding another human into the mix and the emotional strain that brings as being doable, but at the same time you say the minute a man has his cock in you, you consider yourself to be in a relationship (I'm paraphrasing a bit but this is the words you used) . I suppose then, what sort of relationship do you actually want? One without emotional strain...is just sex isn't it?

Are you possibly thinking you're giving out really clear and blunt messages which actually are the opposite and are quite mixed?

OP - you have been at it for 10 years you say. And same pattern keeps repeating.
Yet your approach is to do more of the same? And expect a different outcome?

Either something is wrong with all men.
Or something is wrong with your approach.

You prefer to think the issue is men. It’s easier than trying to do things differently.

However, women your age date and form relationships. Men don’t run after sex with them simply because they aren’t forced to commit before the relationship had a chance to develop naturally. Not as a transaction where you offer sex in exchange for commitment.
Many people have mentioned this upthread, but you don’t want to hear it. So the pattern will continue.

I don’t know why you have this strange view of sex and why you aren’t able to relax and just enjoy the interaction with a man. I don’t even know why you want a relationship with men who you seem to mostly despise.
But it is clear that by you are you are quite set in your ways and unlikely to change.

I have a friend who is similar to you in some ways. She is great; successful and driven; smart; beautiful, etc. She’s been single since mid 30s. Dated a lot of men and pushed/scared them away over and over.

What she wanted - didn’t exist. But she never wanted to change what she was looking for. Never wanted to compromise on the list of demands/criteria.
She is now mid-50s and given up on men.
I am still hoping she meets someone when not looking. As it’s too bad.

Ok so which bits to compromise on then ?
They earn less than me, im Fine with it they usually arent.

They aren’t attractive - literally would rather not bother and tgats deeply unfair to them everyone deserves to be fancied.
Casual about sex - i could chill about it sure, but I genuinely do not see the outcome changing given ive waited one date and 12.

Ive stated repeatedly different approaches have brought the same outcome. Say nothing, date them, wait, same result.
I have also acknowledged online dating could be the issue, but then the issue is if not there then where ?
When I was 25 you met men by being introduced to them by your friends it was that simple, i’m not opposed to just trying to expand my friendship group generally that’s never gonna be a bad thing pops I’ll report back I’ll let you know how that goes. Because I don’t believe for a minute I’m the only one having this issue

‘ Casual about sex - i could chill about it sure, but I genuinely do not see the outcome changing given ive waited one date and 12.’

I don’t know how to explain it better than others and I have tried. Casual about sex doesn’t mean having it on date 1, 10 or 20.
It’s about your firmly held transactional attitude toward it, and expectation that once there is sex - they owe you a relationship.
This scares and pushes people away. People who could have stuck around if they could get to know you without pressure.

Have you ever tried speaking to an counsellor? Just to discuss your relationship issues with someone who deals with people’s emotions and issues. There maybe something they can tell you that may help.

As to whether you are the only one having this particular issues consistently for 10 years. I am sorry - I am similar age as you, and I don’t know anyone like you.
In the case of my friend - she dated her men - and kept leaving them because they didn’t quite fit. Or the men left sometimes too. But it was never after so early on.
Sorry.

Casual sex revolts me unfortunately, that’s just how it is and nothing is going to change that so as I said earlier and earlier post literally the only solution to that then is it there is no sex until a relationship he’s being pursued by him not me, it would appear.

I think very simply put, you are emotionally unavailable and are attracting (or entertaining) like for like.

You are not sure you want the emotional 'strain' for having another person around
You are deeply entrenched and committed to your work and the financial standing you have earned
Sex is transactional
You have a long list of who you won't entertain and quite short list of who you will, regardless of an individual's hidden merits

I don't think you are truly open to a relationship right now. What you are open to is them wanting you more than you want them and that's worked well for the last few years as you said, until you met someone you liked.

I agree casual sex can be a bit gross. It's also true that you can't force sex with a new person into a box marked relationship sex can you. The whole thing has got to grow organically.

In your world view there is only two kinds of sex.

• ‘Committed’ relationship sex
• ‘Casual’ sex - I think in your view it means -

they sleep with you today and then with multiple random partners on other days…

This is naive and very simplistic. Casual sex in the way you imagine it is not normal or common among grown ups with life commitments, etc. It might have gone on in uni dorms. But it’s not what 40+ people do.

And as you haven’t really had a normal adult relationship develop naturally - I don’t think you really understand how it works.
No one commits to someone until they have gotten to know each other - both as a person and as a sexual partner. And forcing that commitment doesn’t work.
It hasn’t worked for you before, and it’s not going to even if you wait longer.

Men used to have to marry the woman before they could have sexual with her. This is essentially what you are demanding. And it’s not an attractive proposition.

If you were a teenager dating other teenagers - then it could work. Kids fall ‘in love’ - at one sight and sex is not easy to come by. So they can and will wait for ‘love’.

Grown ups don’t fall in love this way. And we value our freedom and don’t want to be forced.
So - if I am just newly dating someone - I’d typically not be sleeping with someone else. BUT - if the guy told me after the first night that that’s what he expects of me - I will be gone. I need to decide to commit.
And even though I don’t sleep around when newly dating - it’s the idea that I can chose to be or not to be in the relationship that is important.
You seem to want to take away that variable from your dating.
And this will not work.

You might want to look up female dating strategy ( a reddit board) OP. The ethos of that board is that its all female and they do not have sex until they are more certain of commitment?

OP - You say you work in IT?

So the saying “do the same thing you always did and get the same result you always got” will be familiar then.

Sounds like your dating algorithm needs changing.

What do you think needs to change to get a different result / the result you want? Are you able to make that change?

@Bringsexyback

I am crystal clear on the fact that I want a relationship and I’m also crystal clear as to where the starting point of that is if you put your cock in me we’re in a relationship and I blatantly am that blunt in a joking way. But yeah there’s no margin for error believe me.

And of course they do tell me that they’re not talking to other people I don’t know obviously if that’s true.

So you sleep with them without knowing you can trust them.

Where's your shark cage?

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

@Gilda152

I think very simply put, you are emotionally unavailable and are attracting (or entertaining) like for like.

You are not sure you want the emotional 'strain' for having another person around
You are deeply entrenched and committed to your work and the financial standing you have earned
Sex is transactional
You have a long list of who you won't entertain and quite short list of who you will, regardless of an individual's hidden merits

I don't think you are truly open to a relationship right now. What you are open to is them wanting you more than you want them and that's worked well for the last few years as you said, until you met someone you liked.

I think @Gilda152 may have touched on something here. Apologies, however if we’re trying to work out what’s going on here, we need to study the patterns in the info you’ve provided and I wonder if it’s worth looking at the following:

1. That whilst your right to say you should find someone “attractive” or “why bother”, “attractive” for most people includes a wide spectrum of traits, not specifically being good-looking and tall. Attractive qualities can often be unique and individual, based on experiences and people who’ve influenced us growing up yet yours are impersonal in their aspirational nature. Why is this? Why is only what society deems of aesthetic importance solely attractive in your eyes?

1. It’s good to hear you’d consider people of any profession, however from what your saying whilst this is hypothetically true, the ones you’ve actually dated all come from a certain niche: the “cheeky chappy” bit of rough plumber or buff builder (fitness instructors, I feel, are self-evident). Okay, no IT guys, however there are hundreds of other alternative occupations out there that don’t necessarily carry such connotations, so I wonder if it’s in part the connotation that attracts you as much as the man just so happening to have the job itself?

@Jsku youve gone off on a bit of a tangent there. I do not believe they are off sleeping with other people the next day after sleeping with me but they are not interacting on any level with me once the deed is done.
To be honest I think it’s their behaviour that needs examining and psychologically assessing its fucking odd to invest time and energy and then ghost someone immediately after sex.

Will the man apologists on here just STOP! Falling over themselves to find any excuse for shit behaviour and telling op its all her fault.
You folk clearly dont have a clue about dating nowadays. This happens ALL the time. Men fake wanting a relationship, you shag then they ghost or gradually fade away. Its happened to me and to lots of my friends. Its not due to my behaviour, its the entitlement of men, even the fugly ones, to think they can adopt the sweetie shop mentality.
Its THEIR shitty behaviour that needs to be called out!

OP. Well yes that kind of behaviour is bizarre, however their issues are theirs. Yours is what is it about your choices that means you go for people who have this characteristic? I cant remember if you said that needy people freak you out? What constitutes the right level of interest for you? And what seems 'too much'?

@Bringsexyback

No tangent at all. But a very clear outline of the reasons why you are where you are.
You firmly believe that there is no issue with your approach to dating and it’s all them.
Despite years of track record of it not working. And despite other people managing to date and form relationships with those defective men. And despite women here giving you advice.

It is odd to invest time and energy into something that doesn’t work over and over for 10 years without for a moment stoping and taking an honest look at yourself.

People like you - inflexible and not willing to question themselves or to change are difficult to be around and rarely form happy relationships.

Someone on here asked already - so I’ll ask again. Why do you want to date men? You don’t like men. You are self sufficient. You are too set in your ways to be able to adjust to another adult. I am not sure you like or need sex.
Why put yourself through it again and again?

@MrsBerthaRochester

Will the man apologists on here just STOP! Falling over themselves to find any excuse for shit behaviour and telling op its all her fault. You folk clearly dont have a clue about dating nowadays. This happens ALL the time. Men fake wanting a relationship, you shag then they ghost or gradually fade away. Its happened to me and to lots of my friends. Its not due to my behaviour, its the entitlement of men, even the fugly ones, to think they can adopt the sweetie shop mentality. Its THEIR shitty behaviour that needs to be called out!

Are you honestly saying you have wanted a relationship repeatedly with everyone you've dated? Only to be let down over and over again? Does that sound discerning to you? Because to me it sounds like you want a committed relationship and it doesn't matter who with, just the next one to come along. Like, you will literally commit to anyone you date, so long as it means you've finally 'completed' inline dating You know? That just sounds desperate as fuck.

Clearly not a relationship with everybody that you’ve dated obviously not but everyone you’ve slept with yes yes that is the case.

@Jsku why would I put myself through it for 10 years repeatedly dating people, lots of dates if I discounted the entire male species, 50% of the population as people that I’d like to spend time with, it is clearly bollocks isn’t it ?

Well watching an acquaintance going through tinder and only choosing the really hot 45+ guys, of which there were indeed slim pickings, made me realise that these few men must have so, so many admirers that they must feel like kids in a toy shop.
She is ok herself, but she really was punching above her weight in the looks department and ignored many perfectly, nice ordinary men who might actually be more proper relationship material. She really didn’t seem to see that though.
Could this be a factor op?

I would ignore any advice that suggests you lower your standards to be honest or those trying to blame you for everything. There are a lot of time-wasters and players in the world of online dating...

Maybe the best thing is for you to make sure you are not only dating one type of guy (the really handsome, confident, outgoing and successful ones) and give a bit of a chance to those who might not be as extrovert and outwardly successful at first glance but in fact has a lot to offer.

That does not mean dating someone you don't find attractive, maybe just remembering that sometimes it takes a bit of time to getting to know someone and develop attraction.

You should also not settle for casual sex if that is not what you want. It is perfectly fine to wait to know someone a bit more. You will weed out the lazy, casual sex seekers that way who will disappear after a couple of dates but equally there is never a guarantee that anyone will stick around after you have sex with them.

But I think there is also a point about understanding that because someone has had sex with you once they don't owe you a relationship either. You might have sex with someone a couple of times and then realise that actually it is not that great and there is no real physical compatibility. I think that is why having sex is also an important part of deciding if someone if long-term material or not.

I would also keep dating several men at once rather than focus on one guy until you find someone where you are both certain that you are compatible. It will feel less pressures if you have options and men do this all the time...

I mean, I'm confused by what you want in your posts let alone a bloke! Are you sure you're not trying to hard not to act differently after that it comes across as not arsed?

@ElectraBlue

I would ignore any advice that suggests you lower your standards to be honest or those trying to blame you for everything. There are a lot of time-wasters and players in the world of online dating...

Maybe the best thing is for you to make sure you are not only dating one type of guy (the really handsome, confident, outgoing and successful ones) and give a bit of a chance to those who might not be as extrovert and outwardly successful at first glance but in fact has a lot to offer.

That does not mean dating someone you don't find attractive, maybe just remembering that sometimes it takes a bit of time to getting to know someone and develop attraction.

You should also not settle for casual sex if that is not what you want. It is perfectly fine to wait to know someone a bit more. You will weed out the lazy, casual sex seekers that way who will disappear after a couple of dates but equally there is never a guarantee that anyone will stick around after you have sex with them.

But I think there is also a point about understanding that because someone has had sex with you once they don't owe you a relationship either. You might have sex with someone a couple of times and then realise that actually it is not that great and there is no real physical compatibility. I think that is why having sex is also an important part of deciding if someone if long-term material or not.

I would also keep dating several men at once rather than focus on one guy until you find someone where you are both certain that you are compatible. It will feel less pressures if you have options and men do this all the time...

This is all very good advice.

The other thing that crossed my mind is that if you appear quite stand offish until you like them enough to sleep with them, then there is quite a gear change in your mind when you actually sleep with them. You’ve already told them that it’s proper relationship time at that point, but do you think that your signals unconsciously change at that point? Going from seeming quite unconcerned about the relationship to huge expectations.being put on them. It might not be even what you say. More an unconscious change in attitude and non verbal signals that scare them off? A sort of become a different person thing?
Whereas if you have sex as a natural progression of the relationship, without any expectations, then it’s still a learning curve for both of you and a more gradual deepening of the relationship may be possible.

I think once we reach 40-50s there are all sorts of men out there. And it is possible that men who want to be in relationships - are already in relationships.
And of those that are single, many are not really ‘relationship material’. So, it’s possible that as time goes on it’s more and more challenging for the OP.
But also she said that she has been single and dating since mid 30s.And not managed any relationships at all in 10 years.
So - ghosting after sex happens to people, but to have it happen every time for this long is not usual.

If any of my friends met a man who hasn’t managed to have a relationship in that long - we’d certainly consider it a red flag. And an indication that, at a minimum they must be a picky and difficult person to be around.

And OP seem to be at least partly that.

AMALT approach isn’t really helpful if you want to build a meaningful relationship. But if this is what OP believes - why bother?
You can’t hate men and demand that they commit to you after sleeping with you once.

I do think it’s possible to not ‘lower your standards’ and have a less extreme approach to sex and relationships.
Even if a lot of men in your age group aren’t looking for a relationship, some are.
But to give those relationship a chance - you need to invest time yourself; not play games; open up emotionally; give it a chance to let you and them to get to know each other - both on personal and physical levels.

BEFORE you pile on demands and expectations of a commitment.

Sex doesn’t have to be a price you pay to entice a man to have a relationship with you.