As soon as i sleep with them its over

[Bringsexyback]

This is an absolute that’s been going on for 10 years since I split up with my ex-husband I’ll meet someone doesn’t matter whether I make him wait 48 hours or three months the moment I get into bed with them that’s it game over.

Has anyone else experience this genuinely not rubbish in bed doing kinky freaky stuff as one might expect giving and receiving I’m not a mattress.
Any insight would be gratefully received

Have you had any counselling over the years?
It seems that your past hurts are really affecting you and have prevented you from forming grown up adult relationships.
You also seem to view sex as something transactional - something women give a man in return for care/love/commitment.

But it’s not the only way sex between people can be viewed. For many people sex is a joint and mutually enjoyable act. And it’s not always tied to commitment. And certainly not something that is exchanged for commitment.
So - I am not sure what you mean by saying you were used for sex when you were younger.

Did you not consent? Did you not enjoy it?
Or was it the case that after sex you expected the men to commit to you and take care of you?

I think you are right. You are in a vicious circle of self fulfilling prophesy. And men sense it and aren’t willing to try to heal you from years of hurt other men inflicted on you.

I think it’ll be the same if a woman tried to date a man with low low opinion of women. They’d run. Same way the men do with with you.
It has nothing to do with you having had sex with them.

There is a difference between expecting the person you started sleeping with to dedicate efforts to the relationship and DEMANDING they do by not sleeping with other people.
No one wants to be faced with demands so early on in the relationship. Even if they weren’t a player and didn’t plan to pursue others.

So - as far as the relationship go - it’s not unreasonable to expect and hope for something, but it is unreasonable to express it in the way you do.

Plenty of people in your age group manage to meet each other, date, and form relationships without early ultimatums. And it doesn’t mean that they sleep around ok each other in the early stages.
Just mean that they are more comfortable with taking a leap of faith that relationships require.

It’s hard for you to believe that because of your history. And I don’t think you can change it, unless you do some healing.

@Bringsexyback

Generally I suppose they are self-confident types because I can’t be with somebody who is not, in my job without giving too much away I’m a sales director for a national company I’ve got 25 sales people reporting into me 5 of which are managers, my team bills over 16 million a year. I’m not going to be interested in or have anything in common with a shrinking Violet. I updated all sorts from surgeons GPs lawyers to bricklayers to plumbers people that are setting up their own business, start-ups. But yeah I would say the common denominator is that they are tall dark definition is she handsome and comfortable in their own skin.

Well, there you go then. Unfortunately there’s going to be a higher likelihood that a good-looking guy full of bravado will be a player type. Personally, I’d say your issue is simply a case of “buyer beware”.

you seem to be rather muddled in your behaviour, or your priorities.
if you want a serious relationship, how about not engaging in sex at all, unless and until you are both absolutely sure of each other, and each other's intentions.
if they will not stay until then, well it sorts out the wheat from the chaff.
don't sell yourself short.
seek decent men and don't bother with any others.
good luck.

Op ignore the posters trying to infer its your fault. Im also 46 and having done online dating for a couple of years I can tell you thats its ALL the men who are like this.
It doesnt matter if you shag them on the first date or the 20th because they all have one eye looking over your shoulder for their next shag.
I tried to change the "type" I was going for and it made no difference whatsoever. They swear blind they want a relationship but they all just want as many shags as possible. Even the fugly guys act like players! Wankers the lot of them.

I went out for dinner with one guy and we literally walked back to my car together and he was trying to finger me in the car park, we were both 46 years old ffs.

That is ridiculous. I make it a point of never fingering anyone in a car park if they are over the age of 45.

@MrsBerthaRochester this is my experience, the ugly bastards were as much of a problem as the good looking ones so I figured i might as well enjoy it 🙄

@LinoVentura

I went out for dinner with one guy and we literally walked back to my car together and he was trying to finger me in the car park, we were both 46 years old ffs.

That is ridiculous. I make it a point of never fingering anyone in a car park if they are over the age of 45.

I know right, you have to laugh or youd cry

OP I think you've just had bad luck and not met the right person at the right time. It's tricky and there's no guarantees are there. I very much doubt you're doing anything 'wrong'.

It is a self fulfilling prophecy though. Whenever I'm single I don't put any effort in but after a month or two I'll meet someone I'm mad for and when I know then I don't see any point in denying my body what it wants.
I've never had a problem that a guy wouldn't want to make it longer term.
First stop online dating as that's where all the lazy sleazy men are. Then stop looking. They always turn up when you stop looking and enjoy your life. Then make a list of what you actually want. Traits, values, whatever you want. Think also of the things you don't want and write them all down. Now don't think of the list as concrete but rather imagine how you'd feel with a man like that. Then just wait soon in your life you'll meet a man and realise you feel just right

@LinoVentura

I went out for dinner with one guy and we literally walked back to my car together and he was trying to finger me in the car park, we were both 46 years old ffs.

That is ridiculous. I make it a point of never fingering anyone in a car park if they are over the age of 45.

@LinoVentura

I went out for dinner with one guy and we literally walked back to my car together and he was trying to finger me in the car park, we were both 46 years old ffs.

That is ridiculous. I make it a point of never fingering anyone in a car park if they are over the age of 45.

They always turn up when you stop looking and enjoy your life
So true! I was absolutely not all looking for or expecting a relationship when I met the guy I am currently seeing through a hobby. He is the absolute best (so far…😀) 50s and very fit. No illusions about it lasting but is so much fun for now. Abs has actually give a kick start to my other social life too so the next one will be easier to find 😉

@JangolinaPitt

They always turn up when you stop looking and enjoy your life So true! I was absolutely not all looking for or expecting a relationship when I met the guy I am currently seeing through a hobby. He is the absolute best (so far…😀) 50s and very fit. No illusions about it lasting but is so much fun for now. Abs has actually give a kick start to my other social life too so the next one will be easier to find 😉

Love that 🤣

I think you can shift your mindset OP. Absolutely don't blame yourself. Hold your head high, and shift to thinking that guys will be lucky if you take them seriously not the other way around! Hard to get and easy to lose. And honestly looks don't matter, for you or for him. It's true that real beauty is inside and that's true of men too. You could write another list, of all the good things you have to offer the right man, but focus on those traits that aren't based on objectification.

I would emphasise truly do leave online dating and delete all your accounts as a lot of quality men won't touch a woman that's going on there with a bargepole. I would be put off if I found a potential partner to have accounts and that wouldn't change if I were a guy.

My warriors if I leave online dating I literally do not see where else I’m going to meet people. I don’t really like to mix business with pleasure. And I honestly don’t have much of a life outside work which is sad but true

I would say:

• online dating: the majority of guys on there are only after one thing, even if they stick around for a while (even 3 months) to get you to that point they will always disappear once or soon after they have had sex with you.

• The description you gave: '' tall dark, handsome and comfortable in their own skin''. That unfortunately can often be the type of guys who are very charming, know they are attractive to women, have learned to play the game to perfection and are likely to mainly get off the chase. AKA players. They usually don't like to limit themselves to women who are specifically looking for casual sex (no challenge and they see them as 'low value) so will go for women who have stated they want relationships and play them for a while. Again they will move on to the next woman as soon as they 'got' you and on and on until they find someone they genuinely like or until they are too old to play the game.

Maybe try going for guys who might not look as good or seem as outwardly confident as your usual types because they might be more likely to make decent partner. Or don't just focus on online dating.

Although I know it sounds horrible but many of these confident, successful types will not want a woman who is equally successful and confident and/or will take forever to settle.

@ElectraBlue

I would say:

• online dating: the majority of guys on there are only after one thing, even if they stick around for a while (even 3 months) to get you to that point they will always disappear once or soon after they have had sex with you.

• The description you gave: '' tall dark, handsome and comfortable in their own skin''. That unfortunately can often be the type of guys who are very charming, know they are attractive to women, have learned to play the game to perfection and are likely to mainly get off the chase. AKA players. They usually don't like to limit themselves to women who are specifically looking for casual sex (no challenge and they see them as 'low value) so will go for women who have stated they want relationships and play them for a while. Again they will move on to the next woman as soon as they 'got' you and on and on until they find someone they genuinely like or until they are too old to play the game.

Maybe try going for guys who might not look as good or seem as outwardly confident as your usual types because they might be more likely to make decent partner. Or don't just focus on online dating.

Although I know it sounds horrible but many of these confident, successful types will not want a woman who is equally successful and confident and/or will take forever to settle.

I totally understand what you’re saying but then on the other end of the scale when I’ve gone out with plumbers, builders, fitness coaches men that frankly, I don’t wanna sound a bitch for the can’t really afford to keep up with my lifestyle I end up living half a life for want of a better description because I absolutely refuse to subsidise them but then how it transpires is it they think I’m out of their league and dump me anyway.

@Bringsexyback

This is an absolute that’s been going on for 10 years since I split up with my ex-husband I’ll meet someone doesn’t matter whether I make him wait 48 hours or three months the moment I get into bed with them that’s it game over. Has anyone else experience this genuinely not rubbish in bed doing kinky freaky stuff as one might expect giving and receiving I’m not a mattress. Any insight would be gratefully received

I found your post a bit difficult to read, mainly due to lack of punctuation in this bit -

Has anyone else experience this genuinely not rubbish in bed doing kinky freaky stuff as one might expect giving and receiving I’m not a mattress

What exactly is 'kinky freaky stuff as one might expect'???

@Bringsexyback

Apologies that was a that badly placed typo, it should’ve said I don’t want to do kinky or freaky stuff I’m very normal.

Ah ok

OP do you ever just have fun without overthinking it?

I totally respect your position of not wanting sec without monogamous relationship but there are different kinds of monogamous relationships and not all will lead to forever love. Maybe try just having fun, dare people
Because you’re bored, if you fancy a shag have sex if you don’t then don’t. Take the pressure away from very early stage relationships by living in the moment.

If you turn up with a checklist of things that need to happen to progress and demands once those things have happened you’re going to chase people away.

Partnerships need to be two way and from your description it doesn’t sound like that is the case.

For some reason autocorrect has buggered up my post. Apologies and well done if you can make sense of it

Yes I did make sense of it and yeah absolutely I’m more than happy to hang out with people, have coffee with people, have lunch with people I’ve got friends and this is gonna sound ridiculous in light of my OP but I’ve actually got people I’ve been friends with for seven years when we had sex and it didn’t really move on from that but we are still friends and we support each other with each other’s businesses and will call each other Up it will say yeah we really must meet up sometime and then we never do but in it’s not like I’m really that rigid, I’m not.

I’ve got male friends, Who I’ve known for 25 years and we shagged at some point and again just not worked geographically etc (actually the sex was crap) but we’re still friends.

I’m also crystal clear as to where the starting point of that is if you put your cock in me we’re in a relationship and I blatantly am that blunt in a joking way.

I think you need to reframe this because not many people will be on the same wavelength as that.

I wouldn't even consider someone relationship material until we'd had sex, and there's been a few times where sex has been the decision maker that I don't want to pursue anything with them.

So if it was a case of "once we have sex we're in a relationship" I'd run for the hills (but might have sex with them first on the off chance it was amazing)....

Regarding not mixing work with pleasure; the most amazing guy I ever met, September I was taking my kid for an eeg and the eeg technician was the hottest. We got chatting and he mentioned his PhD in neuroscience and I was smitten but slyly realised he was putting his best foot forward. Our eyes met and it was electric. He was refined, hilarious, thought provoking and empathetic. I left the appointment and hit the cafe with the kids. I want back and shyly gave him my number and a hug and offer of friendship and to continue the conversation another time. He blushed.
He didn't call me for 2 weeks and it was 2 months before I met with him again after some texting. I didn't chase or ever assume I would get more. I want mental buying him little gifts for Xmas and knitting him a scarf after we first slept together the Halloween. The Dec he came to visit again and we opened our gifts, a beautiful schwarKopf bracelet and lingerie. By valentines he was desperate to commit and took me to a fantastic hotel paying for all my childcare. That is how it's done. I'm single by choice now as fantastic as he is I am too busy doing more important things.