As soon as i sleep with them its over

[Bringsexyback]

This is an absolute that’s been going on for 10 years since I split up with my ex-husband I’ll meet someone doesn’t matter whether I make him wait 48 hours or three months the moment I get into bed with them that’s it game over.

Has anyone else experience this genuinely not rubbish in bed doing kinky freaky stuff as one might expect giving and receiving I’m not a mattress.
Any insight would be gratefully received

Absolutely at no point if I said I hate men, just an absolutely ridiculous suggestion

@ElectraBlue

I would ignore any advice that suggests you lower your standards to be honest or those trying to blame you for everything. There are a lot of time-wasters and players in the world of online dating...

Maybe the best thing is for you to make sure you are not only dating one type of guy (the really handsome, confident, outgoing and successful ones) and give a bit of a chance to those who might not be as extrovert and outwardly successful at first glance but in fact has a lot to offer.

That does not mean dating someone you don't find attractive, maybe just remembering that sometimes it takes a bit of time to getting to know someone and develop attraction.

You should also not settle for casual sex if that is not what you want. It is perfectly fine to wait to know someone a bit more. You will weed out the lazy, casual sex seekers that way who will disappear after a couple of dates but equally there is never a guarantee that anyone will stick around after you have sex with them.

But I think there is also a point about understanding that because someone has had sex with you once they don't owe you a relationship either. You might have sex with someone a couple of times and then realise that actually it is not that great and there is no real physical compatibility. I think that is why having sex is also an important part of deciding if someone if long-term material or not.

I would also keep dating several men at once rather than focus on one guy until you find someone where you are both certain that you are compatible. It will feel less pressures if you have options and men do this all the time...

I personally think this is excellent advice also - however, dating the different types you suggest is in the OP’s mind, lowering her standards, so…

@supercali77

You might want to look up female dating strategy ( a reddit board) OP. The ethos of that board is that its all female and they do not have sex until they are more certain of commitment?

This is basically an incel sub. Highly toxic and one to avoid.

@Lpc3 it really isn't but whatever

I think much of the latter posts echo firmly what I've posted earlier in the thread. I know it's hard when you feel like you keep on repeating the same thing over and over whilst dating, it's even harder to think that in order for results to change, you also have to change something about yourself or your approach. This does not count as 'lowering your standards' (which comes from the same playbook as 'you are the prize!!!' and all that other baloney) It counts as having realistic expectations of other people - and also of yourself. You may offer a lot in terms of financial status and being pretty good in bed etc. but do the men you want value that? Have you asked them? If they don't then it doesn't matter about anything else, they are wrong for you and will not stick around. You shouldn't change or dull down who you are, but as in all areas of life, some flexibility is key.

Your rules and boundaries seem to dictate what the other person should think and feel too and in the timescale you think is appropriate and that's never ever going to work for you.

I wouldn’t say dating different types of people is lowering my standards that’s not what I mean at all, it’s not me that has the problem with them earning less than me I don’t care. I’m not planning to subsidise them but if you can keep up great and by that I don’t mean that we are dining in the IVY every week or four holidays a year, But I have been out with men who we’ve literally just take it interns to pay for dates and after three or four times and them considering buying coffee & a muffin breakfast at Costa means a three course meal at Millar and Carter on the same day is my turn 🙄
That’s where I’m inflexible I won’t put up with that shit whether I’ve slept with them or not.
I’m just super keen to not repeat the mistakes that I’ve made in the past where as I say ex-husband we were friends, I never wanted to sleep with him so I just wanna make sure that the attraction is there I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Why don't you just go halves on dates then? From the outset?

So if you go to Costa, you go halves, if you go to M&C you go halves?

I am being thick or is that not really straightforward and sensible?

Well that was the solution that I then offered going forward I’m just giving that as an example of behaviour I’ve experienced when dating men who actually he didnt earn less but had more expenses.

Here's my insight to this:

Ex husband is minted, as in, into the millions (CEO of stockbrokers)
Very rigid thinker about what he wants and what he doesn't want (necessary for financial success and career climbing, admirable)
Does not translate well to relationships - hence ex. He had been married to first wife, then me (I left) then third ex wife. He would like to meet a tall blond successful woman in her 40's with grown up children. He would like me to source one of these for him as we're still friends and he thinks I can fix him up. Would he consider short? No. A bit curvy? No. Younger children? No. A low paid job? No. But he's willing to pay for them a bit and treat them, as long as they don't take the piss and he fancies them.

By contrast:

My husband.
Unrigid thinker.
Better paid than me but not wealthy. He has more monthly money, I have more savings and assets. We pay for everything 50/50. I fancy him a lot. He's not my usual type. We met online and had sex on the very first date, been together 7 years and married for 4.

I think OP you might be like my husband and...it's not working for him either. That being said, having real financial status as he does and you do too does put you in an awkward spot because it defines so much of who you are both to yourself and others. So you have my sympathy on that one. Maybe you could go out with my ex husband???? I would only charge you both a small commission for my matchmaking prowess!

I’m going to assume that tongue in cheek although I must say I do fit his bill quite well, I think that’s a little bit unfair though to be deadly honest with you because I’ve never stipulated that somebody cannot have children I have never stipulated that they must be a certain body shape or or even a certain income level.

haha no I know, it was more an example of the fact that people who do well financially don't always do great with relationships - because you have to be so focussed on your own goal to achieve real financial rewards (sometimes at the expense of others) but that mindset doesn't always go great if you can't switch it off when it comes to relationships where you really do have to be more flexible and open minded and willing to let the other person and actually insist that the other person is an equal voice and player in the path that you're both on.

If you're in the northwest maybe its doable!!

Though he does travel to London regularly too. You never know maybe this is fate haha!!

No not in Northwest unfortunately I am nearest central London. I think I’m just gonna sit in a pub in Shoreditch with a tag round my neck saying single come talk to me see how I go on with that