As soon as i sleep with them its over

[Bringsexyback]

This is an absolute that’s been going on for 10 years since I split up with my ex-husband I’ll meet someone doesn’t matter whether I make him wait 48 hours or three months the moment I get into bed with them that’s it game over.

Has anyone else experience this genuinely not rubbish in bed doing kinky freaky stuff as one might expect giving and receiving I’m not a mattress.
Any insight would be gratefully received

@ProfessorSillyStuff, a side of flirting with my kids dentist who honest to God was about 12, The only other people that I meet her of a similar age group to me are either going to be clients or people who have an influence over how successful my career is. I have done it before and it has not ended well so again I’m quite cautious about going down the particular path well though who knows, Spring is on its way and we are out and about a lot more aren’t we. Having a sandwich in the park that kind of thing.
I did once made a very hot single dad at the beach he was playing with his I was playing with mine everyone was having a right old flirt and a splash around including the children.

@MrsBerthaRochester

Op ignore the posters trying to infer its your fault. Im also 46 and having done online dating for a couple of years I can tell you thats its ALL the men who are like this. It doesnt matter if you shag them on the first date or the 20th because they all have one eye looking over your shoulder for their next shag. I tried to change the "type" I was going for and it made no difference whatsoever. They swear blind they want a relationship but they all just want as many shags as possible. Even the fugly guys act like players! Wankers the lot of them.

Of course it's not ALL men,what a ludicrous thing to say.

I didn't really flirt though. I only was friendly. I did hug him bye just in a nice to meet you kind of way. I wasn't looking my best that day as I was in fact tired and stressed but I act friendly and confident however. He told me later that I looked good. People see the good things about you (what they want to see) if you let them, and men like to pursue you. Also online dating takes time. The kind of man you want wouldn't waste his time on there. He also will have a full life and demanding career and other responsibilities as he's a dependable guy with a good family of origin that he still maintains bonds etc he will have a good social circle uni friends, work events, maybe an involved father, so busy he would barely watch a movie or catch ZZZ or alone time even. Those little bits of time, use them in ways that will help you instead of online dating even if it's just popping out of the office to grab a drink in your break because that's where you'll find them... in the library returning their mums books or in the co-op picking up a card. Maybe catch the train instead of drive? Many professional men rely on trains so they can work during commutes. Who knows when you could meet!
Also if you want to meet other self employed professionals, do you go to networking events for business owners?

And no absolutely don't date anyone that you might actually want to do business with or who could affect your career unless it's very clear what the boundaries are, which is possible. Never leave yourself open. Always maintain your dignity, independence and freedom, business or not, if you ask me!

@Bringsexyback

I am crystal clear on the fact that I want a relationship and I’m also crystal clear as to where the starting point of that is if you put your cock in me we’re in a relationship and I blatantly am that blunt in a joking way. But yeah there’s no margin for error believe me.

And of course they do tell me that they’re not talking to other people I don’t know obviously if that’s true.

Are you telling men upfront that the moment you have sex that's a contractual action?

I make it clear thats my expectations yes. Theres no documentation or ceremony 🙄

I think that may be part of the issue.

It sounds like you're very successful and ambitious in your career. The downside of that is it reduces your dating pool dramatically as men on 'your level or above' are also happy to date down so to speak.

This is a growing issue as women become more educated and have good careers.

As other people have mentioned I do think you might be coming off in a certain way which is making this poor behaviour somewhat self fulfilling.

I have a friend like this. The reason was she always went for the same 'type' she loves a bad boy look. Of course they were bad boys and did fuck and run.

She's now with a lovely bloke, who she used to go to school with and reconnected with him a few years ago. Not a shaved head, tattoo or muscles in sight (I'm not saying all blokes like this are bad boys)

My advice open your mind to other types ! Didn’t think my hubby was physically my type when I saw his profile but we’ve been there get her and in love for 14 years

I just read all this and thought, yep, dating is hard going. I’m a similar age so think. I’m no expert but the times things have ended after I had sex with someone I haven’t in all honesty been that surprised. I think there are clues that my instincts have recognised even if I have ignored them.

I have seen a fair few suggestions of what you can do differently. One thing that occurred to me is that when deciding to be exclusive with someone it’s always been a discussion and agreement between myself and him rather than a demand from one side or the other. Maybe whenever you aren’t quite in a place to talk that kind of thing through you aren’t very close to being in a relationship. So it ends. And having sex never really seems to turns something that isn’t very close to being a relationship into one. Regardless of how good the sex is.

I've been fucked and chucked a few times in my younger years it really knocked my confidence and I felt like there was something wrong with me I think I gave a needy vibe it's only when I stopped caring and just had fun did I meet my OH. We spent the day and night together I assumed it was a one day stand but it turned into a long relationship.

@ProfessorSillyStuff I like your attitude and would love to be like that. I am hating online dating. But I can’t see that there are many other options these days? I am deeply, deeply average looking and work from home and tbh the chances of me bumping into a hot neuroscientist who would actually look at me twice are zero Do you really think online dating is that bad? I literally don’t meet single men anywhere in real life

I think if you are making it clear that your expectation following your first sexual encounter is that you're now in a relationship (and presumably a serious long term relationship at that) that is probably quite a daunting prospect to most people of your age group who may well be back in the dating pool after long relationships or marriages and are not immediately looking to put labels and expectations on things, more, enjoy each other's company and seeing where that ends up. If your rule is that sex means relationship you're going to get men who have no intention of that but will agree to get sex and then go on to the next one or on the other hand, men who fancy the pants of you and would love to enjoy dates with you and the pressure of becoming your partner/boyfriend overnight so to speak is just not an attractive prospect so in retrospect, they pull back

I do think its always a problem when sex is considered transactional, i.e. a man buys a woman drinks so he expects sex or a woman has sex with a man so she expects a relationship and so on...it just isn't great all round.

@Gilda152

I think that may be part of the issue.

I think so too... what if the chemistry isn't really good when you have sex, or if you find the sex outright bad? Would you still think it has to be a relationship at that point? I think that communicating "sex makes it a relationship" (however you say it, I'm sure it's not like that) is putting a lot of pressure on the sex and the after sex behaviour.

Yea @Gettingpnwithit12 I really think its that bad. The good ones won't be caught dead on there, their mates would laugh at it as its well known guys only resort to it when they have all but given up and have low self esteem and reached a certain point of desperation for sex.

If you want a guy who isn't insecure you need to ditch your own insecurities and really believe you would be a catch for any guy, and looks and dressing sexy isn't the way. The way is to stop objectifying yourself and focus on what you are capable of doing and how that makes you feel.

That is the energy that trumps good looks
physique, everything in the eyes of good men. I'm thin and have a few good features but pretty average, and I never thought I could have a guy like that but when I dared to try... we just hit it off.

I did however always hold back. Let him double text sometimes. Never too available, is always novel, and I kept him wondering 😉
It takes some self control but gives the man a better experience even though it seems a little mean at the time!

In my case, he didn't contact me for 2 months at one point. I found it hard and almost felt annoyed at one point, but I told myself he was perhaps worried ( my son had been his patient after all, he probably wanted to ensure that he wouldn't need to work with us again!) and I also told myself that's just how bust a good man could be, after all. Turned out, this is someone that works in several hospitals in a major city as well as doing locum in other counties, running a private practice offering home visits, participating in publishing papers and conferences, having two successful adult children with the required attendance at events, and two elderly still married parents who he helps with everything, and he had been moving house at the time to better help with his parents. No wonder he didn't text for two months.

I kept believing though that if it was meant to be then it would, and if it didn't it was because there was something even better for me. ;)

@ProfessorSillyStuff

Yea *@Gettingpnwithit12* I really think its that bad. The good ones won't be caught dead on there, their mates would laugh at it as its well known guys only resort to it when they have all but given up and have low self esteem and reached a certain point of desperation for sex.

If you want a guy who isn't insecure you need to ditch your own insecurities and really believe you would be a catch for any guy, and looks and dressing sexy isn't the way. The way is to stop objectifying yourself and focus on what you are capable of doing and how that makes you feel.

That is the energy that trumps good looks
physique, everything in the eyes of good men. I'm thin and have a few good features but pretty average, and I never thought I could have a guy like that but when I dared to try... we just hit it off.

I did however always hold back. Let him double text sometimes. Never too available, is always novel, and I kept him wondering 😉
It takes some self control but gives the man a better experience even though it seems a little mean at the time!

I think this is all great advice - with the caveat that the OP herself is placing a premium on looks and physique (e.g. much in demand height) herself, which may skew matters (for instance OP, I think it’s great you’ve tried dating men who earn less than you, however have you tried guys who aren’t in such stereotypical “bit of rough” professions as plumbers, builders and fitness instructors? E.g teachers, IT guys, graphic designers, taxi drivers, postmen, etc, etc?)

I spend eight hours a day with IT people, honestly that’s not the issue what the person does for a living. Looks wise I split up with my ex-husband because frankly I never fancied him he was a nice man we were good friends but I never ever wanted to sleep with the man. The solution as I see it is simply just do not have sex with them until they are putting the label on it I wonder how long that will last I think we can all imagine.

The facts are I Pointblank refuse to spend the rest of my life happiness many dicks up me as possible, until nobody wants to fuck me any more, which is what I am facing if I don’t put these rules and boundaries in place.

I also have to say I disagree that it is a only desperate men that go on online dating site and it is literally their last port of call, my experience is it is actually their first port of call of them before they even split up with the wife/girlfriend.

I think when they hear you say that sex equals beginning a relationship many will completely discount wanting to be in a relationship with you as something about the way you put it sounds a bit... intense! Of course they'll still wait around for sex before moving on, totally disregarding your own wishes. It sounds really frustrating for you.

I think you'd have more luck presenting it as something like "Sex is a very important part of a relationship for me, but I also prefer to get to the point of being exclusive before jumping in to bed together.".

I also think you have to be a bit wary of the game playing, not being too available thing. It's fine for a bit of fun, but you select for the guys who enjoy a chase - the same guys who often get itchy feet in steady relationships. I know lots of people swear by it but i just don't think it spells longevity.

“Sex is a very important part of a relationship for me, but I also prefer to get to the point of being exclusive before jumping in to bed together.".

That is almost word for word what i say.

OP is upfront about what she wants and tells these men that sex is important to her and in her opinion, means that's the beginning of a relationship...guess what...the men don't have to have sex with her!

Stop trying to make the OP sound like the bad guy here.

But OP, seriously, nothing wrong with initiating messages or even double texting, show some interest and enthusiasm. I wouldn't date someone who made me chase them all the time.

@KitBumbleB

OP is upfront about what she wants and tells these men that sex is important to her and in her opinion, means that's the beginning of a relationship...guess what...the men don't have to have sex with her!

Stop trying to make the OP sound like the bad guy here.

But OP, seriously, nothing wrong with initiating messages or even double texting, show some interest and enthusiasm. I wouldn't date someone who made me chase them all the time.

Who was making the OP sound like the bad guy?!

OP asked for insight. They're getting it and in balanced doses.

@alexdgr8

you seem to be rather muddled in your behaviour, or your priorities. if you want a serious relationship, how about not engaging in sex at all, unless and until you are both absolutely sure of each other, and each other's intentions. if they will not stay until then, well it sorts out the wheat from the chaff. don't sell yourself short. seek decent men and don't bother with any others. good luck.

This, in spades, with bells, whistles and unicorn glitter.