My well off partner makes me feel inadequate

[WrappedinHaze]

Hi all, I wanted to get some advice/vent a bit as well. Please do not crucify me and try to be kind. So for my whole life I’ve struggled with my mental health but pretended to be “normal” and tried to live my life as if I was ok. It obviously wasn’t working; I was already disadvantaged but being judged to the same standards as people without the alphabet soup of diagnosis guaranteed a losing position. I’ve always had an opinion of smart but lazy which wasn’t really laziness but my mental health issues which I kept under the wraps.

My parents never looked for help when I started to show symptoms of depression and attempted suicide as a teen then again later in my early twenties. I was shamed for it. There was loads of traumatic things that happened in my childhood and I was eventually diagnosed with CPTSD. For 15 years I’ve been in a relationship with a man who would watch me cry and be depressed and who expected me to just fix myself somehow. I think he just didn’t know how to deal with this. As such I never got a specialist help and always struggled with working full time. I have three (!) degrees, so I know I’ve got the “brains” (three completely different fields: information science, economics and art) but I never built a career. After the breakup with my ex my whole world flipped on its head. It was so traumatic that it triggered a need for a change, exposed all the lies in my life. Finally after a year on a waiting list I’m getting an assessment with the psychiatrist. I’m also doing self therapy. But it’s really really hard living with this; I’ve got good days and bad days. I’m still managing working part time as a librarian but interacting with people takes its toll on me. It’s not such a chilled job as people like to think, especially when you’re struggling with Cptsd (being around people is hard, masking is hard)

But to the point; I’m 37 and I have no career to feel fulfilled in. Working in the library is draining and repetitive. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worse job ever but I feel like I’m wasting myself there. The pay is not that great either especially working prt time.

Last year I started seeing someone. He’s an established professional with his own house and all the other “adult” features like car and investments and career. And here’s the problem: I feel inadequate and poor around him, often struggling to pay the rent (I’ve got an old dog that needs treatment ). He would regularly splash out on fancy stuff for himself and I envy him because it will be ages before I am in the same place as he is, providing the therapy helps. He is very serious about me and wants to get married but I cannot imagine being married to someone with such a financial discrepancy. I would always be the poor one that can’t afford the nice things whilst he gets himself another suit for £200. Every time he spends anything on me he does this sort of begrudgingly or always goes for the cheapest. For Christmas he got me a “funny” gift for £17 that I really had very little use of whilst I splashed out on him. He never gets me anything fancy. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the money. And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me. I know that this is his money and he can do whatever he wants. Yet being me and struggling with my mental health I may never be able to match him financially and I’d rather be with someone on my own financial level if we supposed to get married.

Otherwise we get along well and I love him but this aspect is making me upset. What would you do if you were me?

I wouldnt be with someone who begrudgingly got you shit and cheap presents when he is on a good income.

You definitely don't want to be with someone who sees you struggling, is affluent himself and buys you a joke gift. He may be very interested in you but why is that? What's he looking for? Someone to run his house for nothing while he gets on with his shiny well-paid career?

You are right, find someone who you are more in sync with, who will work with you to make things better. It doesn't matter what he earns.

He sounds like a tight bastard OP.

Also, any decent man would ensure you did not feel ‘like the poor one’.

He knows all about my mental health struggles. He often comes and helps me clean my house when I’m unwell. He wants me to get better and he tries to be supportive. It’s just the attitude to money that feels completely mis matched. I often wonder what he gets out of this relationship and the only thing I can think of is companionship. I’m also a caring person and when I set my eyes on something I get it done. Although I may need a week off after that. He says that he thinks I’m the one, that he loves my intellect and we have some wonderful time together. It feels really serious so I started to think how our life would look like and it’s not a great picture.

Another thing I noticed is that he is career driven and this also makes me feel inferior; this however is fully on me. I think everyone who struggles with their mental health can relate

I honestly am not sure he’s right for you OP….. I too had C-PTSD from childhood trauma, so can relate to a lot of what you’re saying.

However when you’ve bought him something lovely and he’s bought you a rubbish joke present that’s not ok!
I also wonder how much of this he’s aware of and perhaps is using to keep you down?
After all he may actually feel inferior to your intellect….

OP, you underestimate and undervalue yourself.

If your partner doesn't elevate you (or at least leave you feeling neutral to how you feel about yourself on a day-to-day basis), your with the wrong person.

I'm sorry that you haven't found your person yet, but you are wasting your time in this relationship. A person can only make you feel bad about yourself if you give them permission. You need to end it without a long explanation, no telling him that he makes you feel badly about yourself evoking an, "I'll change from him," because he won't (or will temporarily). The right person for you will just fit and feel comfortable.

You sound like an interesting person, but no one is going to appreciate you until you learn to appreciate you.

I have CPTSD and understand the struggles.

My DH is a high earner now. When we met we were younger and about the same level of work/pay. But my struggles overtook me after my mum died and a lot of unprocessed stuff came up.

He’d never grudge me anything. He always gets me things as good or better than the things he gets himself. He’s gone without treats/luxuries in the past when I’ve needed things like private therapy.

I don’t mean we never have to be careful, I just mean he never treats me as less than himself.

So by that I mean there are people who will love you and not see your struggles as flaws. Just see the strength that got you through them.

You need someone like that.

It is part of CPTSD to want love so badly that you accept treatment people with more emotional security wouldn’t. It’s also part of human nature to repeat patterns- so if your parents didn’t help you and your former partner didn’t help you, you’re likely to get another partner who won’t help you.

It does look like your are progressing though- this guy helps you in some ways. Time to make more progress and get some who love, helps and accepts you in more ways than one.

And it’s also really good you recognise it.

You sound wonderful op and I'm sure you deserve someone who appreciates your gifts and who lifts you up, not makes you feel like 'the poor one'

He sounds wrong for you, if he is wealthy he should be generous to you and you should lap it up, that does not stop you being as independant as you can. You are his partner, he wants you and should value you.

In my case we both share the same interests and spend a lot of time together, he values me and it costs him a lot!.

I'm trying to understand why a man who is caring enough to help clean your flat when you are unwell, bears with your MH issues, and gets on well with you, is at the same time weird about money.

I could speculate, he sees you struggling financially and he doesn't oesnt want you to see him as a meal ticket. Perhaps he's worried about splashing out on you incase your motivation for being in the relationship is financial.

The cheap jokey gift at christmas can be easily explained - he is wealthy enough to treat himself all the time. Like my DH if he wants or needs something he buys it right away for himself. So when birthdays or Christmas comes, there is literally not a single thing he wants. And so he is accustomed to Christmas gifts being tokens. Also some people customarily simply don't do big splashy Christmas gifts and resist the materialism that goes long with seasonal gifting. A simple conversation like, "hey what's the plan/budget for Xmas gifts" could have sorted that one out.

If you are "the one" then he should be someone you can talk to frankly. Explain how you feel about your wasted potential, the difficulties of identifying a more lucrative career whilst you manage with your mental health recovery. Ask him how things might look in the future, and if you stayed together would you marry, and what would happen in his view then? Explain you want to be with someone who is happy to pool finances once married. But explain also that you are struggling to believe that he will see this as entirely fair, and you don't want to press forward with a relationship where he is uncomfortable about your financial contribution.

If you only lived together, and didnt marry, I do think it would be harder to justify pooling all resources, and I think it would set up a permanent imbalance of power in the relationship. Therefore I'd be thinking marriage, not cohabiting. If he isn't thinking you are someone he could one day marry, then I think the relationship should end and you can find someone else.

I do honestly think huge mismatches of money are a problem, if he has even the tiniest chip on his shoulder about it. I have a friend who, in his late 40s, cohabited with a poorly paid girlfriend. He never made an issue of money. She contributed share of everything in proportion to her net income. They did token meaningful gifts to avoid embarrassment, but he would treat her at other random times buying her nicer clothes and shoes than she could normally afford when they went shopping. It wasnt perfect but it was alright. He kept paying for the cleaner he already had, he cooked and shopped groceries, and did laundry etc,
and didnt expect her to suddenly become his housekeeper when she moved in.

Not all men are arses.

I think it's still early days with this guy - you've been together less than a year, it seems early to conclude he is tight for not wanting to spend lots of money on you. I would imagine there is part of him trying to wait to see if you're only interested in him for that reason.

I find it strange that you resent him spending his own money on himself after only a few months together - to be honest, that would be a red flag for me if I were him.

It's difficult to say because your main example was the cheap present over which I wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship over.

His £200 suits are neither here nor there. That's pretty much what they cost unless he shops at Matalan or Primark?

The issues:

You say he wants to marry you? He can't be that tight if he's suggesting that because marriage immediately will give you access to his funds in the event of a divorce. A man who wanted to protect his own money would suggest living together without marriage or keeping separate houses.

He knows about your health issues and is supportive, comes over to help you clean. I'd say that makes him decent.

You are worrying about financial disparity. Not an issue. I would say that plenty of women on MN either don't work or have low income jobs and are supported by higher earners. If he wanted to marry a big shot high earner, I'm sure he could find one. Even in RL, most of the women I know don't earn much compared to their DHs.

You are equating your worth/success in life with money. Maybe he is awe of the fact that despite your poor health, you have obtained 3 degrees and hold down a job which might not be as well paid as his, allows you to support yourself nonetheless. I had a boyfriend once who was a high earner (something in the City). I certainly didn't think that my job (poorly paid but professional and interesting) was lesser than his just because he earned more and he didn't think it either.

Surely this is something you would discuss directly with him about how you would sort finances if married or living together?

Plenty of people on here will say LTB or pick holes. But talk to him. Don't end a good relationship due to your own poor self worth or lack of self esteem.

I do think in this case, talking to him would be a good idea.

Are there things that could help your mental health that you can't afford but he could help you with that? EMDR? Medication? Life Coach?

If he's serious about getting married and he's not a tight arse, helping you get better would be a real gift.

@Classicblunder

I think it's still early days with this guy - you've been together less than a year, it seems early to conclude he is tight for not wanting to spend lots of money on you. I would imagine there is part of him trying to wait to see if you're only interested in him for that reason.

I find it strange that you resent him spending his own money on himself after only a few months together - to be honest, that would be a red flag for me if I were him.

We were friends for a few years before and had long term partners. We’ve known each other for 3 years now. Started situationship (or whatever the weird term for being like a couple but not really in the summer 2020, our official anniversary is very soon). I didn’t explain that part well.

I don’t have problems with him spending on himself; it’s how he behaves when he spends on me is the problem. I’m very generous with the money I’ve got. He would buy me a coffee and mention that he did that. I’d rather he didn’t if he does this begrudgingly.

Thanks everyone. A lot of brilliant answers giving me a different perspective. And a lot to think about.

Also struggling to see why this man who you day helps you in a practical way, cleaning your house is so bad for not spending as much of his income on you as you want, especially when you've been dating less than a year. You've also said (which you recognise) that his being career driven makes you feel inferior, do you make this known to him? Is it possible because of this, he doesn't want you to feel he is 'flaunting' his wealth by buying you expensive things? You really don't think he shouldn't be buying himself stuff unless he buys you stuff?

Could you answer a question for me? How does he approach and address your "old dog that needs treatment?" Does he love it and say, "let's get this old guy/girl sorted?" or does he leave it to you to deal with?

For me this would define whether your boyfriend is part of a team or not. More clearly, a part of 'your' team.

Why you spent so much on him in your situation. May be he was expecting something small from you at Christmas and was preventing you to feel odd at the presents exchange. I would say if you struggle with a career successful driven person move on. In my view he is no doing anything wrong. He is still getting to know you.

Try to find another job where you feel comfortable and do not have to deal with people. This will take time and effort but a job is where you spend everyday for hours so it may make a difference to your life. I would worry less about not having a career.

Also in case he just is tight with money. I would not take it personal either.

@WilliamFlagellum

Could you answer a question for me? How does he approach and address your "old dog that needs treatment?" Does he love it and say, "let's get this old guy/girl sorted?" or does he leave it to you to deal with?

For me this would define whether your boyfriend is part of a team or not. More clearly, a part of 'your' team.

But becoming part of a team takes time and that is individual to each person and relationship. After less than a year, he may not be there but in another year he might be. After a few months of dating, I would not see a boyfriends vet bills as a joint thing but of course after more time, it's different

I’ve already said a few times that I don’t have an issue with Jim’s spending on himself. It’s when he spends money on me he often comments that he’s spending money. But he doesn’t do it when he treats himself. As I said before: I’d rather he didn’t than made me feel like I’m the poor relative and a nuisance.

He is very career driven and I often feel like he expects me to one day also be like him. He once not even asked called my job shitty. I often feel judged even though he says he doesn’t do it. Like he is waiting for me to catch up. This makes me feel under loads of pressure and I feel the weight of his expectations.

Obviously this is only a snippet of our life. He comes from a poor background so maybe this explains his attitude. I’m not saying that people who come from poor backgrounds are cheap, just maybe there’s something there that he taps into.

I know that a lot of my feelings is due to my shame and guilt that is a constant feature of my life because of my past. It didn’t help that one time in anger he said that “im not doing anything with my life”. He apologised immediately and said that what he said was out of order but this stuck with me.

Im not saying he is a bad person, he probably would be better suited with someone who can hold there own career wise. I’ll speak with him about my concerns. If i remember correctly he hinted at having separate finances after marriage. Many people do but our difference here are too great to have a happy life in this setting.

Joke present at Christmas is not a good sign.
I would dump him in your position.
I dated a high income earner. He knew my pay would never be anywhere near equal to his and yet he never expected me to pay for anything and was incredibly generous.

I’ve already said a few times that I don’t have an issue with Jim’s spending on himself

But you literally said in your OP:

And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me.

“He would buy me a coffee and mention that he did that. I’d rather he didn’t if he does this begrudgingly.”

That made me giggle, because I always buy the coffee, he just pays for everything else.

LOL