My well off partner makes me feel inadequate

[WrappedinHaze]

Hi all, I wanted to get some advice/vent a bit as well. Please do not crucify me and try to be kind. So for my whole life I’ve struggled with my mental health but pretended to be “normal” and tried to live my life as if I was ok. It obviously wasn’t working; I was already disadvantaged but being judged to the same standards as people without the alphabet soup of diagnosis guaranteed a losing position. I’ve always had an opinion of smart but lazy which wasn’t really laziness but my mental health issues which I kept under the wraps.

My parents never looked for help when I started to show symptoms of depression and attempted suicide as a teen then again later in my early twenties. I was shamed for it. There was loads of traumatic things that happened in my childhood and I was eventually diagnosed with CPTSD. For 15 years I’ve been in a relationship with a man who would watch me cry and be depressed and who expected me to just fix myself somehow. I think he just didn’t know how to deal with this. As such I never got a specialist help and always struggled with working full time. I have three (!) degrees, so I know I’ve got the “brains” (three completely different fields: information science, economics and art) but I never built a career. After the breakup with my ex my whole world flipped on its head. It was so traumatic that it triggered a need for a change, exposed all the lies in my life. Finally after a year on a waiting list I’m getting an assessment with the psychiatrist. I’m also doing self therapy. But it’s really really hard living with this; I’ve got good days and bad days. I’m still managing working part time as a librarian but interacting with people takes its toll on me. It’s not such a chilled job as people like to think, especially when you’re struggling with Cptsd (being around people is hard, masking is hard)

But to the point; I’m 37 and I have no career to feel fulfilled in. Working in the library is draining and repetitive. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worse job ever but I feel like I’m wasting myself there. The pay is not that great either especially working prt time.

Last year I started seeing someone. He’s an established professional with his own house and all the other “adult” features like car and investments and career. And here’s the problem: I feel inadequate and poor around him, often struggling to pay the rent (I’ve got an old dog that needs treatment ). He would regularly splash out on fancy stuff for himself and I envy him because it will be ages before I am in the same place as he is, providing the therapy helps. He is very serious about me and wants to get married but I cannot imagine being married to someone with such a financial discrepancy. I would always be the poor one that can’t afford the nice things whilst he gets himself another suit for £200. Every time he spends anything on me he does this sort of begrudgingly or always goes for the cheapest. For Christmas he got me a “funny” gift for £17 that I really had very little use of whilst I splashed out on him. He never gets me anything fancy. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the money. And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me. I know that this is his money and he can do whatever he wants. Yet being me and struggling with my mental health I may never be able to match him financially and I’d rather be with someone on my own financial level if we supposed to get married.

Otherwise we get along well and I love him but this aspect is making me upset. What would you do if you were me?

He’s helping out a lot. He lends me money and I pay him back when the insurance pays out. He loves my dog but ultimately it is my dog and when it’s not convenient to him to help he doesn’t.

My husband is from a very wealthy family and also has a much better paid career than me. He always buys me (and others) 'fun' presents, as does his family. I think posh/rich people don't splash out on gifts as much as normal people. It's not that they are tight, it's just that the spending lots of money on gifts is seen as bit showy.

Heh, breeds resentment cause he easily spends on himself but makes a big deal of spending on me. I said that. We would go shopping for sth for him and he would buy the most expensive item and then later comment that he’s getting me a coffee. Also we will be together for a year very soon.

I did tell him that he buys me gifts as if I already have everything. This was just an example. I guess I’d prefer he spent this £17 on something I’d actually enjoy.

I think the uneasiness is more about the attitude than the money. He mentions it a lot. He's got a sense that you need to catch up. He's said separate finances after marriage.

Or - you have high expectations of how much he should treat you financially. But it doesn't sound like you do, tbh.

After reading the other things about him, I don't think he's a keeper.

You don't have much but are generous because you care.

He has a lot but he is a tight arse.
Has to announce it even something simple as a cup of coffee. Got you a cheap gift. Knows your dog is unwell and could easily help, but he doesn't. Hints about separate finances.

Do you feel more confident with him? Does he make you feel good like you can do anything in life?

He seems critical of you. Somewhat like that last arse you were with. Expecting you to just fix yourself. Maybe not as bad but still an arse.

I'm not a psychologist, but your last post outlines your boyfriend (with three examples) as someone who diminishes you to elevate themself.

If you met someone who appreciated your job, would you appreciate your job more? Your job doesn't define you. Repeat that to yourself. Your job doesn't define you.

I have had jobs FAR worse than yours. I have also had jobs where...well, they were really good jobs and you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Maybe he got you a cheap present at Christmas because he knew you were short of money and didn't expect you to "splash out".

It's hard for us to know if the problems are because of your compatibility or because of your condition. But a man who comes over to your house and helps you clean seems like a good un.

Long story short. You already know the answer. You wouldn't have posted here if you didn't. This post wouldn't exist.

@RantyAunty

After reading the other things about him, I don't think he's a keeper.

You don't have much but are generous because you care.

He has a lot but he is a tight arse.
Has to announce it even something simple as a cup of coffee. Got you a cheap gift. Knows your dog is unwell and could easily help, but he doesn't. Hints about separate finances.

Do you feel more confident with him? Does he make you feel good like you can do anything in life?

He seems critical of you. Somewhat like that last arse you were with. Expecting you to just fix yourself. Maybe not as bad but still an arse.

The more I’m thinking and reading all these examples of functioning relationships the more I realise that I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. He is definitely an upgrade on my last partner that’s for sure but it may well be that I’m falling into a familiar pattern: people who claim they love me but don’t accept me the way I am.

"When it's not convenient for him to help, he doesn't"

I think that sentence says everything you need to know about this man.

It's not a good relationship for you, and you should make a clean break. You'll soon get more help and can build confidence, gain depose insight into your feelings and actions.

There is someone out there who is right for you, have faith in that. But it isn't this one.

@RantyAunty

Seems to have made a pretty fair analysis of the situation. Reading the first few posts, it was possible to give him the benefit of the doubt. But he puts you down, doesn’t want to treat you as an equal even if married and seems unfazed at your distress over your poorly, elderly dog. The money thing (depending on what he would expect and withhold) could potentially be considered financial abuse in marriage. The law has changed recently.

As for what he gets from helping you when you’re struggling. Idk. If I speculated, I would wonder if it is giving him some kind of pay off. Maybe it makes him feel good to be the capable one and helping you out leaves you to be the less capable one. If this is the case, perhaps it allows him to have the high ground (in his mind) in all areas. Does he gloat about how capable he is? As in how in his mind he is financially and sorted out in other ways and compare himself to you?

I don't think he is the right person for you OP. Marrying someone who was wealthier wouldn't bother me, but the fact that he splashes out on expensive things for himself but not for you, and that he leaves you to pay for your dog's treatment and doesn't offer to help with your rent would bother me. If he is talking marriage he obviously seems to want to be in for the long haul, so surely he could act accordingly.

I also wouldn't want to be with someone who was so disparaging of my work. What is so admirable about being career driven? - it doesn't make one a better person. These things can eat away at a relationship.

@WrappedinHaze it’s a really hard one to call tbh.

• he helps you clean and is supportive (I know a fair few high earners who wouldn’t help you clean or do any chores).
• the joke present? Can be seen two ways. It could be perceived flash or thoughtless to give a generous gift when he knows you cannot reciprocate. But equally you could argue that whatever the cost; it still should have been something he would have known you loved.
• Buying himself something expensive. Well; on this one, I have to say it’s his money, so why wouldn’t he? A year in, should he be buying you stuff? I don’t know tbh. (A £200 suit by the way is not expensive).
• the comments about getting you a coffee? That to me is a clear red flag. If he’s mentioning something as insignificant a coffee after spending hundreds on himself? I wouldn’t be ok with that either.
• separate finances? I think this is a couples personal choice. Plenty of people advocate for separate finances (I do). I think people should always retain control and a degree of financial independence. But the key here is how you feel about that.
• career, have you asked him outright what his thoughts are? I mean has there been any discussion of children etc?

So in summary there are a few red flags. But tbh I wouldn’t expect someone to super generous a year in. But I would be paying attention to how they view money in the context of a relationship and whether it aligns with how I would like to be treated/ treat others.

The implication from a few posters that he should be generous on the basis he earns more though? Is not something I agree with. One bit. If his priority is financial security (which coming from a poor background it may well be), in his shoes I would prioritise saving for a house deposit/ etc. not spoiling a partner of a year.

The more you post the worse he sounds. He's mean with money, he tells you your job is shitty, that you're not doing anything with your life, he wants marriage but separate finances.

Be very wary. He insults your job and puts you down. These are huge red flags. He's targeted you because he sees how vulnerable you are. He can be your saviour and tormentor and you should be so damned grateful. This is not a healthy dynamic.

If you were married all money would be Pooled surely? If he was to marry you have a high income and not share it with you, that is not an equal partnership.

People actually believe a year in that someone should start helping their partner financially with rent etc? Wow. I categorically would not. I mean what would the Op be doing if she met someone earning similar amounts to her? How is that expectation in anyway fair?

Hi OP can you afford therapy? Look up adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families. It may help you see the traits you carry from your childhood trauma. He does sound financially mean - that’s not nice - he will be bringing his own childhood trauma.
Can you ask him why he did this. Why he gave you a message that he thinks so little of you. Does he think you are ok for him as you have low expectations or you may not have many needs or expectations of him.
Does he take you out? Treat you?

Op, I think you sense his lack of respect for you and at other times he is kind so it's confusing. If during the honeymoon period you sense disrespect or feel he is judging you please listen to that. Bad guys aren't bad all the time.

Trust your instincts.

If he wasn't as well off, but still spent what he wanted to on himself out of his money, would you be as bothered? Would you be with him if he wasn't as wealthy?

May be he was expecting something small from you at Christmas and was preventing you to feel odd at the presents exchange

I thought this too. I would not buy an expensive present for someone struggling for fear that they'd feel under pressure to reciprocate.

I'm not really able to imagine how he talks about buying you a coffee. If it's 'I'll get these' or 'Lets go for a coffee later, my treat' that's OK but 'I'm getting you a coffee and I hope you feel grateful that I'm spending my money on it' - that's not.

When you've been dating a year I would not expect him to pay for your dog's treatment. Allowing you to pay back money you borrowed is also not a red flag one year in, again this could be not wanting you to feel obliged to him though how it's handled is really significant. I think this may be about your own sense of loss related to what could have been rather than what he is actually doing.

I agree you’re mismatched, and some of his behaviour sounds unpleasant, but honestly, OP, as you acknowledge yourself, some of his is your own insecurities about your career and earnings talking — I wouldn’t think twice of someone I’d been going out for a year buying themselves clothes worth whatever amount, and I wouldn’t expect them to feel accountable to me for their spending, or to take on the financial support of an old dog. How do you handle more normal things — when you go out to dinner, do you split bills, or take it in turns?

Agree with much of what you say, @Whatiswrongwithmyknee.

@MichelleScarn

If he wasn't as well off, but still spent what he wanted to on himself out of his money, would you be as bothered? Would you be with him if he wasn't as wealthy?

I keep saying this over and over again; it’s not the fact he spends on himself, it’s how he always goes for the cheapest, makes comments like ‘I’m spending money again” when he gets stuff for me; stuff like food shopping when he basically stays at mines 5 - 6 days at the time so he benefits this as well. Like I’m not worth it

You say that you are

working part time as a librarian

Then that I’d rather be with someone on my own financial level

Do you want to be with a low/part time earner as well?

You haven’t been together long so I wouldn’t be expecting him to pay my rent or buy me expensive presents. It would probably have been a good idea to agree a price limit on Xmas present though. A £17 present wouldn’t have been bad if that was an agreed amount.

It sounds like you are struggling for money yourself which is the issue and you’re jealous he has more. But…, it’s his money and he is perfectly entitled to buy suits and things with it.

If there is this mismatch you keep pointing out, it seems that you’re not happy with him, I would probably end the relationship rather than drag it out.

When you say about your job, I feel like I’m wasting myself there-can you change role? It’s unusual to have three degrees but none of them are helping your career at all?