My well off partner makes me feel inadequate

[WrappedinHaze]

Hi all, I wanted to get some advice/vent a bit as well. Please do not crucify me and try to be kind. So for my whole life I’ve struggled with my mental health but pretended to be “normal” and tried to live my life as if I was ok. It obviously wasn’t working; I was already disadvantaged but being judged to the same standards as people without the alphabet soup of diagnosis guaranteed a losing position. I’ve always had an opinion of smart but lazy which wasn’t really laziness but my mental health issues which I kept under the wraps.

My parents never looked for help when I started to show symptoms of depression and attempted suicide as a teen then again later in my early twenties. I was shamed for it. There was loads of traumatic things that happened in my childhood and I was eventually diagnosed with CPTSD. For 15 years I’ve been in a relationship with a man who would watch me cry and be depressed and who expected me to just fix myself somehow. I think he just didn’t know how to deal with this. As such I never got a specialist help and always struggled with working full time. I have three (!) degrees, so I know I’ve got the “brains” (three completely different fields: information science, economics and art) but I never built a career. After the breakup with my ex my whole world flipped on its head. It was so traumatic that it triggered a need for a change, exposed all the lies in my life. Finally after a year on a waiting list I’m getting an assessment with the psychiatrist. I’m also doing self therapy. But it’s really really hard living with this; I’ve got good days and bad days. I’m still managing working part time as a librarian but interacting with people takes its toll on me. It’s not such a chilled job as people like to think, especially when you’re struggling with Cptsd (being around people is hard, masking is hard)

But to the point; I’m 37 and I have no career to feel fulfilled in. Working in the library is draining and repetitive. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worse job ever but I feel like I’m wasting myself there. The pay is not that great either especially working prt time.

Last year I started seeing someone. He’s an established professional with his own house and all the other “adult” features like car and investments and career. And here’s the problem: I feel inadequate and poor around him, often struggling to pay the rent (I’ve got an old dog that needs treatment ). He would regularly splash out on fancy stuff for himself and I envy him because it will be ages before I am in the same place as he is, providing the therapy helps. He is very serious about me and wants to get married but I cannot imagine being married to someone with such a financial discrepancy. I would always be the poor one that can’t afford the nice things whilst he gets himself another suit for £200. Every time he spends anything on me he does this sort of begrudgingly or always goes for the cheapest. For Christmas he got me a “funny” gift for £17 that I really had very little use of whilst I splashed out on him. He never gets me anything fancy. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the money. And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me. I know that this is his money and he can do whatever he wants. Yet being me and struggling with my mental health I may never be able to match him financially and I’d rather be with someone on my own financial level if we supposed to get married.

Otherwise we get along well and I love him but this aspect is making me upset. What would you do if you were me?

[quote sassbott]@Marimaur why? Specifically this part

He never gets me anything fancy. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the money. And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me.

I’d be out of this one, doesn’t sound healthy.

I ended a relationship recently. I’m a higher earner. He too was getting resentful that I viewed my money as mine and would spend on holidays vs ‘helping’ him. Why should I redirect my funds to help another independent adult?

It’s that expectation that is completely unhealthy btw. This inate expectation that just because someone has more earnings, they should share it with another adult. Why?

As an aside, it’s clear the OP isn’t ‘poor’. Has no one chosen to ask how she can afford to do 3 degrees, have a dog and work part time in a library? I’m looking at the costs of one degree for my kids and it’s not cheap. Living costs/ rent/ food all without a consistent fulltime income?[/quote]
I’m not saying the high earning partner is in wrong, but I think the OP’s resentment is unhealthy, and think her partner’s apparent obliviousness to her feelings seem like they’re not great at communicating.

He doesn’t pay towards my rent nor my dog, neither I expected him to. I don’t know where this assumption comes from?

From when you said this

He’s helping out a lot. He lends me money and I pay him back when the insurance pays out.

Your communication is poor and I think your expectations are very high for a pretty new relationship. You want to be treated and for him to buy you ‘fancy’ things. If you are unhappy with what you have (and if you can’t pay the rent because you have a dentist/vet bill, then this is a fair point), then your priority needs to be to increase your wages-that’s not for him to swoop in and solve with fancy things.

Sounds like your issue is less the discrepancy in earnings and more that he’s quite a dick.

Speaking purely personally, I wouldn’t marry someone without pooling finances. I know others disagree but to me it’s vital and part of being a team. I would also expect this to happen at least informally in a serious relationship- commenting on who bought who a coffee is not normal when you’re considering marriage.

Honestly, OP, you sound as if you could do with some time focusing on yourself, your mental health and self-esteem, rather than being with a chap who constantly makes you feel inferior.

Op, money is a really big issue for you and the disparity in your positions. I do not think this relationship can work, it’s too big an issue for you. I think take some time out to heal and focus on your therapy. Then decide what you want, is it a low earner like yourself? You’re unlikely to find someone who in the first few months will spend freely on you, but they shouldn’t make you feel bad either for spending on you.

Either way money and your lack of it, his spending habits is such a massive massive issue that I don’t think it can be overcome, your resentment is only going to grow.

He is very serious about me ...
Every time he spends anything on me he does this sort of begrudgingly or always goes for the cheapest.

Sorry OP, to me those two statements don't match up. Obviously it's not the money, it's the lack of thought and consideration that he shows when he does actually get you something - his whole attitude shows that he doesn't value you. As an outsider looking in, I don't think he is a good partner.

Sorry to hear how you are feeling OP.
I think if you did get married he would probably want a pre nup.

It is good you will speak to your partner about how you are feeling. It will be interesting to hear how he responds.
If you both want different things from a relationship/partner and it's not working it's probably best to move on for your emotional well-being.

I hope you get the support you need for your mental health and you find a career you are happy in x

OP, I think that the money issues are only a symptom — from your quite chippy responses to people defending your boyfriend’s spending decisions or pointing out that he does offer you frequent practical help, it sounds to me as if you’ve decided that this relationship doesn’t work for you, and I think you’re probably right. You’re mismatched, but it seems to me that there’s more going on than money. I think for instance that you are choosing not to focus on the impact of your poor MH on the relationship dynamics.

I would definitely dump him. The stingy joke present is mean especially as you've spent a lot on him.

I think he may also see himself as a rescue type person re tidying your house. Nope to that too.

Not seen this in the thread but do you want kids? If so how would you feel if he were to make you feel bad about asking for money?

If you did want this to work and a big if in my opinion then I'd have a proper talk with him, lay your cards on the table and see what he says.

Re your work and job. If you want to do something more than a librarian then do it or retrain. I retrained to be a legal secretary in my 30s.

I think he may also see himself as a rescue type person re tidying your house.

He really can't win can he? All the posts on here about men who won't help around (their own) house, and those who aren't sympathetic or understanding about their wife's/partners mental health, here comes one who does both things right, and he's a 'rescuer' who she should say "nope" to.

As an aside, it’s clear the OP isn’t ‘poor’. Has no one chosen to ask how she can afford to do 3 degrees, have a dog and work part time in a library? I’m looking at the costs of one degree for my kids and it’s not cheap. Living costs/ rent/ food all without a consistent fulltime income?-

This is a good point. OP mentioned she was in a relationship with someone for 15 years so maybe he contributed to the degrees and dog etc. And that's why an expectation has been set of what her current partner should contribute/pay for.

Op, something to consider: have you ever been single for any length of time? You're 37, You were in a 15 yr relationship, then in a casual relationship with the current bloke, now in a formal relationship of 9 months. I think a spot of being single will help you immensely as it does seem like you expect partners to pick up the slack or offer much more support than an equal relationship should have.

[quote sassbott]@Marimaur why? Specifically this part

He never gets me anything fancy. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the money. And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me.

I’d be out of this one, doesn’t sound healthy.

I ended a relationship recently. I’m a higher earner. He too was getting resentful that I viewed my money as mine and would spend on holidays vs ‘helping’ him. Why should I redirect my funds to help another independent adult?

It’s that expectation that is completely unhealthy btw. This inate expectation that just because someone has more earnings, they should share it with another adult. Why?

As an aside, it’s clear the OP isn’t ‘poor’. Has no one chosen to ask how she can afford to do 3 degrees, have a dog and work part time in a library? I’m looking at the costs of one degree for my kids and it’s not cheap. Living costs/ rent/ food all without a consistent fulltime income?[/quote]
Because… he wants to marry OP?
I don’t think anybody owes their partner anything but as a couple it’s a bit odd for one half to splurge without the other. Not just ‘personal’ things but eating out etc. Unless they only do cheap things together.

That’s why it’s easier to just marry someone of your own spending level if you’re the splurge type

Im also starting to wonder r.s last paragraph not only OP afford all this but how she has a place comfortable enough that her ‘D’P spends so much time there 🤪

Actually @WrappedinHaze I’m going to ask since I’ve posted about it as it may add some flavour to some of his comments.

I know a handful of people in RL who have more than one degree. Without fail they fall into one of two buckets

1. They have inherited family wealth/ trust funds that enable that level of choice/ freedom
2. a corporation/ academic institution funds in as part of work/ academic research in return for some form of ‘handcuffs’ for a period of time. Both of which involve fulltime working/ studying.

No one I know has managed to do this many degrees without one of the two above.

If its option 1 by the way, it adds some flavour to the ‘my money’ comments. Apologies if I’m completely wrong on this.

Honestly, he doesn't sound very nice and you sound very sweet and deserving of support on all fronts. My DH and I share our income. He is currently studying while working so earning less than me at present but he still goes out of his way to spoil me and put me first where he can. We contribute half to everything as well and any left over goes towards additional savings. There should be no begrudging spending happening and if he wants separate finances after marriage (each to their own), I fear if you are ever really struggling in the marriage financially, having to ask him for help may adversely affect your mental health and that's not fair on you. And what if for example he wanted to go on a fancy honeymoon or holiday? Ir you can't afford it will he just head off alone? Or pay your part and make you feel like shit for it?! You sound like you have your head on straight. Do what's best for you!

Live for now, i.e not trying to catch up to standard he expects you to be come. With your mh conditions that it just adding more pressure to your already stress.
You can do so much better without him believe me.

So many issues OP reading your previous posts!! All very dramatic.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4139917-I-m-so-confused-about-his-behaviour-Not-sure-whether-it-s-worth-to-try

Hi OP, your partner doesn't sound like a nice person. You feel bad with him. Therapy for you sounds like a great idea to work through things and look at your boundaries. Not as crap as the last partner you had is a low bar. He puts you down, he's mean, you worry you won't be able to live up to his expectations - these aren't healthy things to have in a relationship. I think people are getting hung up on the money issue when I think even if you earned the same, he still wouldn't be a generous, supportive partner.

Hey op, I get where you are coming from regarding the discrepancy in income, I once had a relationship where there was a large income discrepancy, he wanted to go in expensive holidays and would sometimes offer to pay and then would say things like ‘I paid do if you provide the sending money’ !!!!! He had no idea how awful a position I felt in. In the end one of these ‘holidays’ I realised he had some disgusting habits and I chose to break it off. I felt quite free after that and could do what I could afford. If I remember correctly he gave me £30 for Christmas in year, I was so insulted. This was a man who had an international business, was a highly regarded professional, and has premises in the UAE, he wasn’t short of any £££££.
I’d advise talking it over with him with a view to breaking off the relationship as the discrepancy is making you uncomfortable and he obviously has no idea how to treat you.

It would be interesting to get his view on things as it's a rather mixed picture being painted.

The bottom line is that if a relationship is making you less happy than you would be on your own, then regardless of the rights and wrongs of it, you're better to end it.

I do wonder here though if your expectations are realistic. Making a big deal of buying you a coffee is definitely off, but loaning you money for vet's bills is generous. Expecting your short term DP to walk your dog is unfair - I don't walk our dog in the morning as DH is the one who wanted him so he can get up.

What would you have done regarding vet's bills if your DP hadn't loaned you the money?

Financial discrepancy between partners is fine. Meanness is not. He is mean.

Throw this one back OP. Be single for a while. Maybe try and get a new job as the one you have is making you unhappy.

And that's why an expectation has been set of what her current partner should contribute/pay for

Yes-it’s interesting that the OP wonders aloud whether this boyfriend will be willing for her her £100 therapy sessions like the ex did.

[quote RenGreen]So many issues OP reading your previous posts!! All very dramatic.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4139917-I-m-so-confused-about-his-behaviour-Not-sure-whether-it-s-worth-to-try[/quote]
So, you’ve only been together since last year, but you posted about him exactly a year ago saying things were awful!!

I think you would be best off not together.

OP are you sure he's as financially comfortable as you think? When my kids were little OH and I were brassic despite what looked like a good (not massive but only just under average for a family of 4) income. We had lots of necessary expenditure too related to the kids being little. Suits in his job are a necessary expense so you can't judge his wealth by his buying of those.

You work part time, you are causing your own financial struggles. It would be frustrating as a hard worker to watch someone who cba to put the effort on yet whinges about lack of money.

Why should he finance you? Get a full time job if you want to be more equal. You sounds quite moany and blaming everyone else for your situation. You're 37 not 21, you get one life, you need to crack on with it.

You've never worked full time but been able to complete 3 degrees?