My well off partner makes me feel inadequate

[WrappedinHaze]

Hi all, I wanted to get some advice/vent a bit as well. Please do not crucify me and try to be kind. So for my whole life I’ve struggled with my mental health but pretended to be “normal” and tried to live my life as if I was ok. It obviously wasn’t working; I was already disadvantaged but being judged to the same standards as people without the alphabet soup of diagnosis guaranteed a losing position. I’ve always had an opinion of smart but lazy which wasn’t really laziness but my mental health issues which I kept under the wraps.

My parents never looked for help when I started to show symptoms of depression and attempted suicide as a teen then again later in my early twenties. I was shamed for it. There was loads of traumatic things that happened in my childhood and I was eventually diagnosed with CPTSD. For 15 years I’ve been in a relationship with a man who would watch me cry and be depressed and who expected me to just fix myself somehow. I think he just didn’t know how to deal with this. As such I never got a specialist help and always struggled with working full time. I have three (!) degrees, so I know I’ve got the “brains” (three completely different fields: information science, economics and art) but I never built a career. After the breakup with my ex my whole world flipped on its head. It was so traumatic that it triggered a need for a change, exposed all the lies in my life. Finally after a year on a waiting list I’m getting an assessment with the psychiatrist. I’m also doing self therapy. But it’s really really hard living with this; I’ve got good days and bad days. I’m still managing working part time as a librarian but interacting with people takes its toll on me. It’s not such a chilled job as people like to think, especially when you’re struggling with Cptsd (being around people is hard, masking is hard)

But to the point; I’m 37 and I have no career to feel fulfilled in. Working in the library is draining and repetitive. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worse job ever but I feel like I’m wasting myself there. The pay is not that great either especially working prt time.

Last year I started seeing someone. He’s an established professional with his own house and all the other “adult” features like car and investments and career. And here’s the problem: I feel inadequate and poor around him, often struggling to pay the rent (I’ve got an old dog that needs treatment ). He would regularly splash out on fancy stuff for himself and I envy him because it will be ages before I am in the same place as he is, providing the therapy helps. He is very serious about me and wants to get married but I cannot imagine being married to someone with such a financial discrepancy. I would always be the poor one that can’t afford the nice things whilst he gets himself another suit for £200. Every time he spends anything on me he does this sort of begrudgingly or always goes for the cheapest. For Christmas he got me a “funny” gift for £17 that I really had very little use of whilst I splashed out on him. He never gets me anything fancy. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the money. And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me. I know that this is his money and he can do whatever he wants. Yet being me and struggling with my mental health I may never be able to match him financially and I’d rather be with someone on my own financial level if we supposed to get married.

Otherwise we get along well and I love him but this aspect is making me upset. What would you do if you were me?

It has not been a year and you are feeling like this. Resentment is already building and whilst you keep defending him I still don't like the way he is making you feel.

I would not be with this person. Whatever this is OP you deserve more.

"When it's not convenient for him to help, he doesn't." I think that sentence says everything you need to know about this man.

He's her boyfriend of less than a year and he's lending her money when she can't pay her rent and going round to clean her house when she's in a bad way. If the sexes were reversed we'd all be shouting LTB.

OP you sound lovely but by your own admission you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. That's okay, most of us are muddling through. Why don't you communicate with him, ask him why he announces when he buys you a coffee? Ask him what his view is on the right amount to spend on gifts at Christmas?

You do not know what a healthy relationship looks like also because no-one's ever bothered to show you what one of those is actually like.

You still do not know even now and what you're describing with this man is not it either.

Both this man and your ex targeted you and deliberately so because you remain vulnerable to such approaches from predatory men; this current one wants to be seen as your white knight but also puts you down at the same time. He's about power and control as well and he wants absolute over you. If he got married to you he would fully have you where he wants you, trapped and further feeling obligated to him. The last thing you need now is a relationship with him; love your own self for a change along with rebuilding your life.

Separate finances once married?
That means no money for you whilst he has plenty. He would have all the control.

Be wary.

He is helping you clean and buying you coffee and lending you money for the vet/rent-he can’t be all bad. He’s said a comment about your job not going anywhere (true?) which he apologised for. That would have hurt, particularly if it was true. He probably bought you a cheaper Xmas present because he knew you didn’t have much money and couldn’t reciprocate-better communication needed there.

When you say he mentions buying you things a lot-what exactly do you mean? If he mentions buying you a coffee once, that’s different to 4 times about the same coffee. What’s happening with the food for your house when he stays over 5-6 times? I’d be tempted to say the food cost x, can you give me half? Or have him stay over less.

It sounds rather like you think he should be giving you money for your rent/dog because you earn less-that’s not fair.

I think after less than one year, expecting him to take over your bills is more than a little much. He is already loaning you money - expecting cash transfers seems more than greedy.

You say he is of practical help when you needed it - but are resentful of when he cannot easily find time. I know what it would be like the other way around if a man was expecting his new girlfriend to come and clean his flat whenever needed regardless of the girlfriends availability.

Your earnings are an embarrassment to you - it sounds to me that you are doing more than fine considering your recent history, but you seem to be changing embarrassment into anger at him. It's

If you have three degrees, I guess most people would be expecting you to make use of them in some form - one degree you picked up from university but unused, sure that happens.... but 3 ? You must have had some plan for using them when you spent the additional years studying them right ?
From the outside it seems you have the means to earn more and solve your financial concerns by applying for higher paying jobs that would make use of the time and cash investment you have already paid for. Your MH may mean that is not possible - but isn't that what he is encouraging you to do ?

He cleans your home, encourages you to do better at your career, supports your MH issues -- but that is not enough, with not even one year together you want access to his wallet.

Op, he helps you clean, he lends you money. Ok the coffee comments might be a bit off but I don’t think he’s a villain here.

A lot on mumsnet have a strange idea that a man should be “generous”, essentially be a provider and pay for things. I think it’s quite early days a year in and he’s not doing anything wrong.

I think you should end the relationship. He sounds like he rather enjoys being in a better financial position than you. Not a good quality.

You should be proud of yourself for how far you've come. Considering the obstacles you've had, i think it sounds as if you're doing pretty bloody well.

This is kind of evolving, it started off predominantly he earned more and could spend more on himself and you are jealous and feel poor in comparison and now has moved to it’s not that at all it’s he’s tight and mentions it if he buys you a coffee and buys cheap stuff for you. I think you need to be clear on what your main issue here is.

Also you said you started a situationship in the summer, what does this mean, it sounds like fwb if that’s the case, how is it nearly a year, it’s only Jan?

It really doesn't sound as if you are well-matched or even like each other very much. Perhaps you would be better off being single and focusing on getting yourself better. Good luck with it all.

I only had to read the first few lines and thought CPTSD or complex trauma as its known now.
Its a condition that starts in childhood, your parents sound quite cold.
I've had it for 50 years.
Its really really important to get the right treatment and medication for this condition if your life is going to take off and you need to concentrate on yourself primarily rather than other people.
People like us tend to attach ourselves to the wrong people, this one sounds like an ass, he isn't willing to share. If you are not happy with this man ditch him and concentrate on yourself.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
When I'd had the right therapy and medication (I also have hallucinations and hear voices which some CPTSD sufferess have) my life really took off.
I did a medical degree, got a job in the NHS and have really started earning decent money. I have my own home and i'm doing very well.
But I learnt a long time ago I can't do relationships.
You can improve your life but you need to put yourself first.
I did my degree in my 40's so you have plenty of time.

@Howshouldibehave

He is helping you clean and buying you coffee and lending you money for the vet/rent-he can’t be all bad. He’s said a comment about your job not going anywhere (true?) which he apologised for. That would have hurt, particularly if it was true. He probably bought you a cheaper Xmas present because he knew you didn’t have much money and couldn’t reciprocate-better communication needed there.

When you say he mentions buying you things a lot-what exactly do you mean? If he mentions buying you a coffee once, that’s different to 4 times about the same coffee. What’s happening with the food for your house when he stays over 5-6 times? I’d be tempted to say the food cost x, can you give me half? Or have him stay over less.

It sounds rather like you think he should be giving you money for your rent/dog because you earn less-that’s not fair.

Ive never said such thing! Please do not put words in my mouth. The stuff about the rent and dog was other people’s suggestion. My issue is how he always grumbles when he spends money on me; even if it’s just a coffee. How whenever it’s something that it’s for me he makes it known that he is spending money on me, even if it’s something cheap and tries to get the cheapest item. But he never hesitates when he spends on himself. He says he has to have the best. Because he talks about getting married I’ve started to think what my future with him would look like. Would he be willing to fork out on DBT that costs £100 an hour as my husband? What if it takes me years to get better and I’ll never have a career like him? Would he leave me then? Will I always be the poor relative that is a nuisance? He will only gets wealthier as time goes. I just can’t picture myself living with someone on such a different income. I’m proud, I don’t want charity. Either someone gives freely/spends freely or doesn’t give/spend at all. He basically makes me often feel like a charity case, like I don’t deserve nice things cause I’m worse off than him.

No, I don’t think he should be paying £100 therapy sessions for you!

Either someone gives freely/spends freely or doesn’t give/spend at all

I disagree with that as well-there is a huge grey area in between which most people fall into.

I don’t think the two of you are terribly compatible.

@WrappedinHaze if that is how you feel, then isn’t that your answer? We can all surmise and give opinions from a screen, you’re living this.

Personally I too would hate to feel that way around someone who is meant to be my ally and supporter. And with such reservations I wouldn’t be entertaining any discussion re marriage.

Have you considered taking a break from him and cooling things awhile?

@Gardeningdream

This is kind of evolving, it started off predominantly he earned more and could spend more on himself and you are jealous and feel poor in comparison and now has moved to it’s not that at all it’s he’s tight and mentions it if he buys you a coffee and buys cheap stuff for you. I think you need to be clear on what your main issue here is.

Also you said you started a situationship in the summer, what does this mean, it sounds like fwb if that’s the case, how is it nearly a year, it’s only Jan?

Situationship is just this: when people act like a couple, are exclusive but aren’t officially together. Summer 2020. We were each other covid bubble. Then we became an official couple at the beginning of last year. I disagree, I stated that he spends money on me begrudgingly and that what bugs me the most.

[quote sassbott]@WrappedinHaze if that is how you feel, then isn’t that your answer? We can all surmise and give opinions from a screen, you’re living this.

Personally I too would hate to feel that way around someone who is meant to be my ally and supporter. And with such reservations I wouldn’t be entertaining any discussion re marriage.

Have you considered taking a break from him and cooling things awhile?[/quote]
I’m doing this just now. It’s been a week. I needed time to think about our situation. Hence this post

My ex was like this. I felt anxious a lot of the time because he said he wanted to be my partner and marry me but at the same time wanted us to be equals financially- but I earned a third of what he did and in my job could never hope to match his salary, plus I’m a single mum of 2. He was generous in some ways but right when it suited him and in positions where it would make me feel humiliated. It made me continually feel like I wasn’t good enough financially and I think, deliberately on his part, was a means to unbalance me so he had more control. It was a horrible feeling. I ended it for this and other reasons and it took me ages to get my confidence and self esteem back. Kind men/people do not make you feel inadequate or like you should be continually grateful. If he wants to be with you he should accept you for who you are. Mentioning money all the time is pretty crass and in my opinion not what a caring person does, boyfriend or not. Find someone who values you for you - who lifts you up & encourages you, not makes you feel like you are lacking.

when he gets stuff for me; stuff like food shopping when he basically stays at mines 5 - 6 days at the time so he benefits this as well. Like I’m not worth it
So he practically lives at yours? Do you ever stay at his? Is there a possibility he lives a champagne life on lemonade budget and this spending is all on credit?

i remember correctly he hinted at having separate finances after marriage

If a financially secure career-minded female friend of mine were to talk about marrying a man with a part time low income job, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she wanted to keep finances separate.

Can you tell us exactly how it sounds like he begrudges paying for a coffee etc? I’d be tempted to say something to him directly about that.

His behaviour seems very odd and contradictory. Taking time to help you clean, support with your dog, lending you money for rent/dog and being happy to marry you (where as the higher earner, he's at risk in case of divorce as legally you get 50:50 of all assets) - this makes him a decent man. (As an aside, if you had been single, how would you have paid for stuff while waiting for the insurance money? Not sure it's ever a good idea to borrow money in a 9 month relationship btw - skewers the power dynamics early on)

However, the comments about coffee and the joke Christmas gift aren't very nice. And a put down. And seems at odds with his other behaviour. I'm wondering if he does resent a bit how much he's already having to help you and wants to make it clear he's not going to be picking up the financial slack forever. If that's the case, he shouldn't be talking marriage and should be able to have an honest conversation rather than snide barbs. He might have his own insecurities which means it's easier to date someone you can feel financially superior too, rather than an equal.

I don't think you're well suited tbh. Money and agreeing how you spend it/prioritise it are an important indicator of compatibility. If you're already feeling resentment and jealousy so early on, this won't go away. And I think you need to be focusing on your career and financial stability before you date/marry. There's no point complaining about life if you don't have a plan to change it - you also have 3 degrees, which seems a lot to just be a librarian? You must have other options. So stop thinking about him and his life, and get cracking on yours. You'll be in a much better place to have healthy relationships.

He knows about your health issues and is supportive, comes over to help you clean. I'd say that makes him decent

That. A man who's supportive and not put off by significant mental health issues, is not to be sneezed at. They don't grow on trees. He's prepared to lend you money and help clean your house. I'm not seeing lack of respect or caring here.

It's weird that you feel you have to comment on him spending his own money on himself. Why would he point out when he's doing so? And maybe his family present giving style is buying cheap fun stuff. I don't see that as a red flag, even though it's not my style. It just needs a discussion next Christmas.

As for the coffee buying conversions, just talk about it. Ask him why he always has to make a big deal of it (and the food shopping) as if he's doing you a massive favour, while when you buy him something you just do it to make him happy/because it's your share, so a given.

I have a best friend with similar traits about that sort of spending. I had a conversation with him about it. He's largely stopped doing it.
But you also have to stop expecting him to almost apologise for spending his own money. A £200 suit is a very reasonably priced one and he needs it for work. Why does he have to justify or apologise for that?

I was the "poor" one when I met Mr Frozen, 'want me to come out your tab' etc

He never once made me feel poor.

There are many things you can give which aren't money. And a decent partner should understand this.

Marriage, or even just a partnership, a healthy one at least, is about facing life together, accepting there can be differences in how much money you bring to the table, but it should be a combined pot not a bloody bank interview every time you want to buy a new cushion.

You sound like you have an amazingly broad education, you could hold interesting conversations on most topics, you will have other attributes, and be able to contribute much to a loving partnership.

Men who think about money as a power, as far as I am concerned, are already dipping their toes in the incel route where they don't view females as equals or even someone to love and care for. You sound far too intelligent and strong (overcoming you mental health challenges) to be with someone who at Christmas had a chance to buy you a present they could easily afford to illustrate their love for you but you got a £17 joke token gift.

I would use this Christmas present as an excuse to 'pull away', don't be available every time he wants. Say you are looking at courses, concentrating on you career, having a think about what YOU want and who you want to be around in the new year.

He sounds boring at best. Controlling and cruel or the beginnings of.

Don't marry him like this.

You need to ditch the guy and put all your effort in therapy. Work on yourself, men will follow after

this current one wants to be seen as your white knight but also puts you down at the same time
This is what I'm reading, too - he likes being the stronger one.

This is why he was single when you met him! Sounds awful and a bit uncaring