My well off partner makes me feel inadequate

[WrappedinHaze]

Hi all, I wanted to get some advice/vent a bit as well. Please do not crucify me and try to be kind. So for my whole life I’ve struggled with my mental health but pretended to be “normal” and tried to live my life as if I was ok. It obviously wasn’t working; I was already disadvantaged but being judged to the same standards as people without the alphabet soup of diagnosis guaranteed a losing position. I’ve always had an opinion of smart but lazy which wasn’t really laziness but my mental health issues which I kept under the wraps.

My parents never looked for help when I started to show symptoms of depression and attempted suicide as a teen then again later in my early twenties. I was shamed for it. There was loads of traumatic things that happened in my childhood and I was eventually diagnosed with CPTSD. For 15 years I’ve been in a relationship with a man who would watch me cry and be depressed and who expected me to just fix myself somehow. I think he just didn’t know how to deal with this. As such I never got a specialist help and always struggled with working full time. I have three (!) degrees, so I know I’ve got the “brains” (three completely different fields: information science, economics and art) but I never built a career. After the breakup with my ex my whole world flipped on its head. It was so traumatic that it triggered a need for a change, exposed all the lies in my life. Finally after a year on a waiting list I’m getting an assessment with the psychiatrist. I’m also doing self therapy. But it’s really really hard living with this; I’ve got good days and bad days. I’m still managing working part time as a librarian but interacting with people takes its toll on me. It’s not such a chilled job as people like to think, especially when you’re struggling with Cptsd (being around people is hard, masking is hard)

But to the point; I’m 37 and I have no career to feel fulfilled in. Working in the library is draining and repetitive. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worse job ever but I feel like I’m wasting myself there. The pay is not that great either especially working prt time.

Last year I started seeing someone. He’s an established professional with his own house and all the other “adult” features like car and investments and career. And here’s the problem: I feel inadequate and poor around him, often struggling to pay the rent (I’ve got an old dog that needs treatment ). He would regularly splash out on fancy stuff for himself and I envy him because it will be ages before I am in the same place as he is, providing the therapy helps. He is very serious about me and wants to get married but I cannot imagine being married to someone with such a financial discrepancy. I would always be the poor one that can’t afford the nice things whilst he gets himself another suit for £200. Every time he spends anything on me he does this sort of begrudgingly or always goes for the cheapest. For Christmas he got me a “funny” gift for £17 that I really had very little use of whilst I splashed out on him. He never gets me anything fancy. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the money. And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me. I know that this is his money and he can do whatever he wants. Yet being me and struggling with my mental health I may never be able to match him financially and I’d rather be with someone on my own financial level if we supposed to get married.

Otherwise we get along well and I love him but this aspect is making me upset. What would you do if you were me?

Thank you again for the input. I’m not going to reply past this post as I’ve got work to do, incidentally.

A lot of people are jumping a gun and completely misreading everything I’ve said by far, even though I keep saying the same things over and over again.

I don’t want his money but I don’t want to be treated like less than just because I don’t have the kind of career he finds worthy. My main issue is the way he goes about spending money on us/ me versus himself. He doesn’t pay towards my rent nor my dog, neither I expected him to. I don’t know where this assumption comes from?

I’m not utilising my degrees cause my mental health is very bad. I just recently got the third masters so it’s very fresh. Besides I can only manage working part time and most well paying jobs need you full time (at least from my experience applying online)

I’ll definitely speak to my partner about my concerns.

OP it sounds like he has hang-ups about money and resents spending it on you.
He shouldn’t make you feel inadequate (the joke present was unacceptable) but at the same time no reason for him to buy you expensive things.

As pp have said it’s probably about control. Marrying you would disadvantage him and you could walk away with half his stuff I see no other reason for him to do it.

@Findwen

I think after less than one year, expecting him to take over your bills is more than a little much. He is already loaning you money - expecting cash transfers seems more than greedy.

You say he is of practical help when you needed it - but are resentful of when he cannot easily find time. I know what it would be like the other way around if a man was expecting his new girlfriend to come and clean his flat whenever needed regardless of the girlfriends availability.

Your earnings are an embarrassment to you - it sounds to me that you are doing more than fine considering your recent history, but you seem to be changing embarrassment into anger at him. It's

If you have three degrees, I guess most people would be expecting you to make use of them in some form - one degree you picked up from university but unused, sure that happens.... but 3 ? You must have had some plan for using them when you spent the additional years studying them right ?
From the outside it seems you have the means to earn more and solve your financial concerns by applying for higher paying jobs that would make use of the time and cash investment you have already paid for. Your MH may mean that is not possible - but isn't that what he is encouraging you to do ?

He cleans your home, encourages you to do better at your career, supports your MH issues -- but that is not enough, with not even one year together you want access to his wallet.

Where did I say about the bills? About the help: when it’s not convenient to him as in getting up in the morning to walk the dog or giving us a lift to the vet. It’s very whatever he feels like in the moment rather than actual things to do.

My earning weren’t an embarrassment to me until I became a couple with him. He jokes about me being poor even though I’m not what you could call poor. I’m just not as well off as he is. I can’t afford big things and struggle to pay rent if there’s a big unexpected expense like a huge vet bill or dentist appointment.

How is he encourages me to do better? Or how does he support my mental health? Where all these assumptions are coming from? Especially about the wallet.

He’s helping out a lot. He lends me money and I pay him back when the insurance pays out.

Well, he doesn’t sound all bad. I think there things he could do better, but possibly communication needs to improve.

If you have said to him, ‘it feels like you are doing me a massive favour when you buy me a coffee/joke presents and that makes me feel really xyz’ and he still does it, then yes perhaps he isn’t the one for you.

It sounds like you have a lot going on, working through your mental health issues. Having been there with PTSD, I know how hard and draining it is. I think if this aspect of your relationship is taking up so much of your headspace, you should take a step back from it. Put all your energies into getting well and then forging the career path you desire.

It’s not an attractive quality in a partner and being compatible in your approach to finances (not necessarily earning the same) is so important.

Good luck and whilst it seems like a long hard process, OP, trust in it, you will get there.

Also OP : what would you like him not to do?
Not making a BIG DEAL when he buys you anything is fair to want, but him buying £200 suits and watching you in primark isn’t fair to want.

Also bear in mind it’s HIS choice to date someone of lower income. If he wanted the yuppie lifestyle with double income he’s perfectly welcome to find another woman.

I used to date someone who couldn’t work and paid for everything, was a bit resentful but was my choice to date him and was a lovely man. I kept it to myself and he never knew, we broke up for other reasons but looking back older and wiser I don’t begrudge a penny spent on him

He’s helping out a lot. He lends me money and I pay him back when the insurance pays out. He loves my dog but ultimately it is my dog and when it’s not convenient to him to help he doesn’t.

The assumption he lends you money is based on what you wrote OP. And because you were talking about your dog, it seemed the money was for your dog.

Well….for about four months he got his friend living with him and paying him flight rent. It supposed to be temporary. I finally told my bf that I need space and we can only see each other on the weekends.

Previously we would alternate between our two flats. He definitely has the means.

Also OP remember you’re a strong woman and it’s good that you’re noticing this! A lot of people wpultn
Finally RTFT (missed some posts, stupid phone!) it’s worrryinf that he stays at yours so much but begrudges buying food.

Honestly lack of generosity is a BIG BIG relationship killer. I’d be very careful and see if you can address this.

As you said you can’t feel secure if you don’t know whether he’s begrudge you anything. I’m of the opinion if you marry someone you should be happy to spend on them because well who else

i can’t afford big things and struggle to pay rent if there’s a big unexpected expense like a huge vet bill or dentist appointment.

But you will have this issue even if single. Your finances are your problem alone. His earnings have nothing to do with you struggling to pay bills. If you have so many problems atm, mental health, money, career dissatisfaction, not being able to work full time - surely being single is the only way to be for now? It's a lot to put on any other person and will cause resentment/frustration in even relationships with more income parity. Because until you are happy with your lot, you can't be happy with anyone else.

It’s very whatever he feels like in the moment

That’s not particularly unreasonable. He shouldn’t have to get up in the morning to walk your dog. You’ve been with him a year-he is already lending you money for your dog and helping to clean your house. I think (aside from the present, which could easily be explained away by lack of communication), the coffee (where you haven’t clarified what he’s actually said) and the comment about your job (which you sound like you partially agree with, and he did apologise for), he hasn’t done much wrong.

Either someone gives freely/spends freely or doesn’t give/spend at all

This sounds rather grabby.

Hi OP I’ve filtered to just read your posts and sorry you’re getting a hard time.

He’s on some bizarre power trip. And you need space away from him. He should be able to treat you without needing recognition or making a big deal of it, you’ve opened up to him and you’ve known each other years therefore he knows you well but still chooses to belittle you, keep you in your ‘place’. Your self worth and self esteem is low and he’s not helping. Go for your therapy, get some space away then re-analyse. Good luck.

I see two problems here. The money issue and you need to address this with him. I also get the impression that you don't feel worthwhile to him. Please don't measure your success and money and career. You have three degrees!! Isn't that successful? You are kind and caring? Isn't that worth something.
It seems to me you need an honest discussion with your partner.

@Howshouldibehave

It’s very whatever he feels like in the moment

That’s not particularly unreasonable. He shouldn’t have to get up in the morning to walk your dog. You’ve been with him a year-he is already lending you money for your dog and helping to clean your house. I think (aside from the present, which could easily be explained away by lack of communication), the coffee (where you haven’t clarified what he’s actually said) and the comment about your job (which you sound like you partially agree with, and he did apologise for), he hasn’t done much wrong.

Either someone gives freely/spends freely or doesn’t give/spend at all

This sounds rather grabby.

For someone considering marriage the last part is somewhat difficult. You can’t have one half of a couple living in luxury and the other pinching pennies.

This is a hard situation to judge and we only have the OP’s POV but I always wondered this as a general rule. How do financially unmatched couple cope when one of them spends a lot on themselves?

A year is also no time at all what’s the rush to marry

You sound far too intelligent and strong (overcoming you mental health challenges) to be with someone who at Christmas had a chance to buy you a present they could easily afford to illustrate their love for you but you got a £17 joke token gift.

So love can only be shown in money?

About the help: when it’s not convenient to him as in getting up in the morning to walk the dog or giving us a lift to the vet

But it's your dog. Why would you expect him to get up to walk it, unless he wants to?

You've been with this man for nine months but you expect him to act as if you've been married for a decade or three and share a home, life, pets and kids.
Your responsibilities aren't his, and his money is not yours.

You sound as though you're taking out your frustrations over your own situation on him tbh. Maybe you could have an honest conversation with him and let him know that some of his comments about spending money and your career make you feel insecure, and that you may well never have a well paid job and you don't like feeling pressured to advance given the state of your MH, but by the sounds of things he's trying to be a good partner.
I think you're focusing far too much on what he can do for you, rather than the relationship as a whole. Relationships should be 50/50, there should be absolute trust and honesty, and each of you should be able to cover for each others weaknesses. You say you're generous with what money you have, but what else? Your entire relationship can't be based on who spends what?

Every time he spends anything on me he does this sort of begrudgingly or always goes for the cheapest. For Christmas he got me a “funny” gift for £17 that I really had very little use of whilst I splashed out on him.

Yeah I’d have an issue with this and say so.

He never gets me anything fancy. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the money. And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me.

I’d be out of this one, doesn’t sound healthy.

I don’t think it’s about a wealth divide (and I don’t think he’s a bad person), I think you both have money hang ups and neither can understand each other’s hang ups.

It’s definitely something that you could explore in therapy but only you can decide if you want to work on this with him.

@Marimaur why? Specifically this part

He never gets me anything fancy. It makes me feel like I’m not worth the money. And watching him treating himself to whatever he wants while I’m struggling breeds resentment in me.

I’d be out of this one, doesn’t sound healthy.

I ended a relationship recently. I’m a higher earner. He too was getting resentful that I viewed my money as mine and would spend on holidays vs ‘helping’ him. Why should I redirect my funds to help another independent adult?

It’s that expectation that is completely unhealthy btw. This inate expectation that just because someone has more earnings, they should share it with another adult. Why?

As an aside, it’s clear the OP isn’t ‘poor’. Has no one chosen to ask how she can afford to do 3 degrees, have a dog and work part time in a library? I’m looking at the costs of one degree for my kids and it’s not cheap. Living costs/ rent/ food all without a consistent fulltime income?

I think in your position if you want to get married then do. A lot of successful men don't want a successful wife. They like being the high earner with the best job. Not all of course.

I’ve been in a situation where my partner earned three times my salary, I was always struggling in the early days. We set budgets for christmas and birthdays, which worked for both of us. When we moved in together we split bills proportionately. When we got married our money became ours (I earn more now but still only half what he earns, and less hours cos we have a child).

My point is, we talk about it, set limits and realistic expectations for buying eachother gifts.

I think your relationship sounds a bit unhealthy, basically, from both sides. You need to talk about these issues before they get to this stage of resentment - he probably sees the situation totally differently.

I don’t think it’s the amount of money he earns that is the problem. I think it’s how he makes you feel about money.

My feeling is that you need to focus on yourself right now. Potentially looking for a new job - don’t assume that all well paid jobs are full time. I’d look at the civil service. Try a recruitment agent too and see what they advise.

And focus on your mental health. You’ve clearly made huge progress - keep going.
Slowing things down with this guy while you focus on yourself sounds like a good move.

All the best