Boyfriend gets super weepy when I don’t spend a couple nights at his place

Vbree · 20/01/2022 04:03

No it's not normal and sounds exhausting. Does he have a history of depression?

TeeBee · 20/01/2022 04:07

Good lord, that would be a no from me. Clingy and irrational. Not normal at all. I'd walk away now. You're not his mother and he's no toddler.

Original poster

Mellowmountain · 20/01/2022 04:11

Now that you mention it, I am exhausted. I know couples in love that are married sleep together every night, so I can’t help but feel wrong for wanting to be at my place for a little bit. I think that guilt of this and how to even solve it is getting to me. He does have a history of depression but he hasn’t talked about it that much.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mellowmountain · 20/01/2022 04:12

Thank you for replying by the way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mellowmountain · 20/01/2022 04:13

Thank you. I feel afraid that maybe ill have to walk away. I need to think about this comment. Lol

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Vbree · 20/01/2022 04:22

Perhaps first you should just say to him you need some alone time/time to catch up with housework etc. It's not unreasonable. Then see how he reacts. Might be a bit hasty in breaking up as a first reaction.

NoSquirrels · 20/01/2022 04:23

No. He sounds like he’s unhealthily attached. Feelings of sadness ‘taking over’ is worrying- he needs to deal with that if he’s serious. And if it’s not a serious comment he’s trying to manipulate you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having space - particularly if you’ve got your own place and at this stage in a relationship.

I’d be very definite about what nights you’ll stay every week - make a schedule and stick to it. If it’s the unpredictability of when you’re there/not there he’ll adjust. If he can’t adjust I’d move on. It won’t get better but worse otherwise.

Vbree · 20/01/2022 04:25

Yes it sounds like he needs to see a GP to get some help too.

Pinkbonbon · 20/01/2022 04:29

At best he is mentally unhealthy and clingy as fuck. At worst, this could be controlling behaviour. It's common for those sorts to not want you to have any space for yourself. Because when you do, you might start thinking about the unhealthy and controlling behaviour they are displaying displaying and decide to bolt.

rocky1914 · 20/01/2022 04:31

God, I can't stand clingy people. It properly gets my back up. You're only 9 months in. End it while you still can. This doesn't get better, it only gets worse. You will blink and he will be tracking your phone, turning up at your place and basically stalking you. I wouldn't take the risk if I were you. Get out while you still can.

BuanoKubiamVej · 20/01/2022 04:35

You are not responsible for fixing this man. He is being manipulative to remove your independence and tie your life to his. He probably thinks this is what love is like but he's wrong.

Walk away. Life is too short. If you stay you will feel suffocated.

KosherDill · 20/01/2022 04:36

@TeeBee

Good lord, that would be a no from me. Clingy and irrational. Not normal at all. I'd walk away now. You're not his mother and he's no toddler.

Exactly.

Run, OP. Run.

KosherDill · 20/01/2022 04:39

@Mellowmountain

Now that you mention it, I am exhausted. I know couples in love that are married sleep together every night, so I can’t help but feel wrong for wanting to be at my place for a little bit. I think that guilt of this and how to even solve it is getting to me. He does have a history of depression but he hasn’t talked about it that much.

Many couples in love and with deep commitment have separate bedrooms and/or separate homes.

Don't fall for silly constructs like "if she loves me she'll sleep with me every night." People slept together in olden days because they had no other choice. Now we do. It's no reflection on depth of feeling.

Also beware of weepy clingy men. Never, ever ends well. Find a confident man who can stand on his own two feet.

needmoreshinys · 20/01/2022 04:45

I miss you when you are not here, I would say is normal

Feeling of sadness overtaking me is not normal.

You know which one he means, figure it out and then go from there

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/01/2022 04:49

Very unhealthy and agree it sounds exhausting.

My DH I am were 3-4 night MAX before we moved in amd when we moved in still had "alone time" ie he'd play football Mondays and go out with mates on Wednesday. I'd go out for drinks Thurs and have a gym class Friday evening etc.
We are almost annoyingly close ( and are "one of those couples") and both really enjoyed the extra time together that wfh has enabled and he doesn't annoy me at all day to day. We still spend significant time apart even if its in the house.
I would have found this OTT at 9 months and the emo baby texts would a be a massive red flag and b. drive me bananas

2 key things

You have your own needs which he doesn't care about helping you meet
You aren't his emotional regulator

UserError012345 · 20/01/2022 04:52

I'd find that claustrophobic.

Men are not very good on their own but he needs to find a hobby etc.

If you like him I wouldn't walk away (yet) but you need to be clear with him on your boundaries.

tara66 · 20/01/2022 05:05

You have your own property so logically you need to spend time at it.
You are not feeling the need to spend all your time with him.

Frankii · 20/01/2022 05:09

We're very much in love and happy, have been together for almost two decades - but sleep in separate rooms because of his snoring, my fidgeting kicking him, and needing different temperatures. It's not that uncommon based on threads on here in the past.

What he's doing is manipulative. He doesn't have healthy boundaries and is constantly pushing at yours.

At nine months you should be in the honeymoon stage, not "exhausted" and having to ask a forum if this is okay.

groovergirl · 20/01/2022 05:13

He sounds extremely anxious. This is for a medical professional to help him with; it is not your responsibility.

I married, against my better judgement, someone like this. It turned into a nightmare of suffocation and isolation. Even my being in the bathroom waxing my legs, or in the bedroom chatting on the phone to my mum, would freak him out and he'd demand I cease that activity and get back to dancing attendance on him.

I would not wish this on you, OP. It might be time to let this man go or tell him you'll just see him occasionally as a casual boyfriend.

Original poster

Mellowmountain · 20/01/2022 05:15

Guys, this thread has given me such relief that I’m not crazy, and these feelings do have merit. I need to go to sleep, but I’ll probably continue this conversation tomorrow. I thank every one of you that commented. It’s helping.

OP posts:

Arabelladrinkstea · 20/01/2022 05:17

He sounds needy insecure and an energy vampire - that’s why you feel so drained as he’s stealing all your energy!

GiantHaystacks2021 · 20/01/2022 05:44

@Mellowmountain

Hi everyone, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months. I have an apartment, and he has his. I have been spending most of my nights at his place, but, I am confused on how to handle this particular thing: when I say that I want to spent time at my own place for two nights of the week, he texts me that is is sad, and that his feelings of sadness are taking over him. Is this normal? I feel a sense of obligation to be over at his place every night because of this.

Does he want sex every night? If so - I think you have your reason.

I'd dump him regardless.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/01/2022 05:46

Glad it's helped.

Do try and sleep

Also insist on a bit of space (fein illness if needed) it will help get perspective.

One thing I find helpful is to ask myself "what will my life look like 5 years from now?"
I have found this super helpful in giving me clarity around decisions and being more actively in control/less passive about my life.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/01/2022 05:50

He is emotionally blackmailing you into doing something you do not want to do. And saying his needs are important but yours aren’t.

That’s no way to live

Zonder · 20/01/2022 05:51

He's not very respectful of your wishes. That doesn't look good for the future.