Boyfriend gets super weepy when I don’t spend a couple nights at his place

[Mellowmountain]

Hi everyone, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months. I have an apartment, and he has his. I have been spending most of my nights at his place, but, I am confused on how to handle this particular thing: when I say that I want to spent time at my own place for two nights of the week, he texts me that is is sad, and that his feelings of sadness are taking over him. Is this normal? I feel a sense of obligation to be over at his place every night because of this.

@Mellowmountain "he texts me that is is sad, and that his feelings of sadness are taking over him. Is this normal? "

No it isn't normal. He is clingy and over reliant on you for what is a short term relationship. It WONT get better so have a think if this is what you want with a needy clingy man?

I jumped straight to emotionally manipulative. You know what to do.

It's really manipulative. It's also not going to get better by itself. Even if you tell him to stop you're still going to be on edge and waiting for him to start again, which he will, in one way or another

Jesus, run for the hills. This will only escalate...I don't like being alone when you see you friends and family, don't go...I don't like you calling/texting, give me your phone.

Ditch. Today.

Clingy, manipulative and completely dismissive of your needs. I’d be getting rid. He sounds suffocating.

I think this sounds manipulative, and it would really put me off him.

I would find this a huge turn off

Rather than immediately rush to ‘LTB’ it would be worth having a gentle conversation with him and saying that you have stuff you need to get done and also just need time alone and ask him if he’s feeling a bit low and that’s why he wants you there all the time? Every night after 9 months is too much. When you’re living together/married it’s your space too, so it’s different. It’s also a different stage of the relationship, after you’ve made a conscious commitment

He is emotionally blackmailing you to get his own way.

Urgh. Mega ick. Independence is sexy, clingy is grim. A man whose ‘feelings of sadness overtake him’ when he has to spend a couple of nights alone in his own home would make me run a mile. Both because I don’t want a man that pathetic and co-dependant, nor one who expresses his discomfort through projection. If there is an emotional issue here he needs to talk about it like an adult and deal with it. Not emotionally blackmail you into babysitting his MH every night.

On a purely practical level you’re paying for another place and all your stuff is at yours. Sometimes you just want to be around your things in your own space. When you live together and you’re married it’s different - our house has all of mine and my DH’s stuff in it. It’s OUR home. It’s equally comfortable for both of us. And, no matter how much you love a person, you will still enjoy time away from them too which is absolutely fine and will not bother a normal, healthy, happy person.

this would do me in . id have to end it im afraid

That would scare me off, sorry.

‘Weepy’?!

Did you event want to spend so many nights at his place?!

His emotional well-being is his responsibility. This is terribly unfair on you. He is only thinking about himself. Additionally, agreeing to be an emotional prop and sticking plaster is in the long run not helpful or kind to him. He is emotionally manipulating you because it is easier to do that than actually address his issues. He has taught you to neglect your own needs and you have learnt he is the only one, who counts. This is terribly unhealthy. You can’t change him. But you can change what you do.

Nope. You're being very 'normal' to want a bit of time in your own 'space' every week.

He's being super 'clingy', not because he'd like to see you every evening, but because he's deliberately trying to make you feel 'guilty' about it !

That's so unhealthy.

That's so 'controlling'.

That's so selfish (Why are his wants/needs more important ?)

That is a huge Red Flag for me.

In 9 months, he's got you doubting whether you're being 'selfish' to want to put your wants/needs first ? Aren't you always doing that (to your own detriment) every day and every week ?

(I'm hoping you don't do all the cooking/cleaning/laundry at his place ? Because maybe he just misses his cook/cleaner/launderer rather than his GF ? )

9 months into a relationship with a fully grown adult and you can't use your own home without the emotional blackmail tap getting turned on. Run for the hills!
The non alarming version of this is that he loves you so much he misses you when you're not there... But the healthy adult version of this doesn't include guilt tripping you into making different choices, if the feeling was shared it would be as a compliment and make you feel good. Not make you feel like you have to rush round there with an emotional sticking plaster.

He might be lovely but this is not a healthy relationship and he should try to resolve this inability to allow his girlfriend a couple of nights in her own home before he embarks on his next relationship.
The only people who could tolerate this for any length of time would be those whose sense of their own personal boundaries were so faint that they felt they were unreasonable for their own wishes to be given equal weight to his. Which wouldn't be a healthy relationship.

You shouldn't have to stay at his house when you don't want to just to make him feel a certain way. He's making you responsible for his feelings which is not ok at any point in a relationship, never mind 9 months in.

Does he not have friends or hobbies he wants to do and see on other nights? If not this would worry me. What did he do before you were together with his time?

I would definitely speak to him and put some boundaries in and leave if this doesn't change. Although actually I think this would give me the ick to be with someone so needy/ and or manipulative so early on and I'm not sure I could go back from that.

If he's falling apart just because you're not in bed together every night then how is he going to manage the trials and tribulations of life with pregnancy, children and general family life ?
He doesn't seem to have much capacity to cope and will need constant reassurance and handholding which will mean you'll have no support for your needs.
Personally I wouldn't continue this relationship as I'd find him too tiring and saturating. He needs help to rationalise his fears and you need to get out from his mentally controlling and manipulative behaviour.

My husband would be frankly delighted if I left him for 2 nights a week 🤣

He’s trying to manipulate you
Dump the Klingon

You do not need a clingy insecure boyfriend, exhausting.

Run for the hills!

Massive red flag there
He will bring to use guilt to control you
He needs to get a life for gods sake that is so unattractive

id say emotional abuse/blackmailing

I wouldn't break up over it but would be having a serious conversation about needing my own space and not being made to feel guilty about it.

Also, is he receiving treatment for his depression? What you don't want to end up being is his 'cure'.