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Original poster

Boyfriend gets super weepy when I don’t spend a couple nights at his place

126 replies

Mellowmountain · 20/01/2022 03:57

Hi everyone, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months. I have an apartment, and he has his. I have been spending most of my nights at his place, but, I am confused on how to handle this particular thing: when I say that I want to spent time at my own place for two nights of the week, he texts me that is is sad, and that his feelings of sadness are taking over him. Is this normal? I feel a sense of obligation to be over at his place every night because of this.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 20/01/2022 17:59

Wouldn’t worry how to broach the topic with him, just text ‘this doesn’t work for me. No need to contact me, thanks, all the best for the future.’
Listen to your instincts, put boundaries in place with future boyfriends, don’t accept creepy manipulative behaviours from anyone.

iamnlhfss · 20/01/2022 18:00

No, no, no, no, no.
This is not normal at all.
It's really unhealthy and it's a bad sign.
You've only been together 9 months. You are NOT married and you don't live together so there shouldn't be an expectation of sleeping together every night and certainly not a situation where you have to stay at his all the time and never even get to be in your own flat.
It's far too early in the relationship.

Just leave him OP. It's a nightmare waiting to happen.
He's either mentally very unwell (and needs professional help, which you are not) or he is emotionally manipulative, crying to get his way.

pastypirate · 20/01/2022 18:09

It's at best clingy and unattractive and at worst controlling and smothering. And really immature. Urgh.

Geppili · 20/01/2022 18:28

What @pastypirate said.

MzHz · 20/01/2022 18:44

@Mellowmountain

Hi everyone, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months. I have an apartment, and he has his. I have been spending most of my nights at his place, but, I am confused on how to handle this particular thing: when I say that I want to spent time at my own place for two nights of the week, he texts me that is is sad, and that his feelings of sadness are taking over him. Is this normal? I feel a sense of obligation to be over at his place every night because of this.
Huge red flags

Perhaps because I’ve watched Stacey Dooley Stalker programme but this is so wrong and you know it

End it now and don’t look back

OhCobblers · 20/01/2022 20:54

You describing him as "super weepy" made me immediately clamp my legs together Grin
He sounds bloody awful!
Dump and run!!

billy1966 · 20/01/2022 20:58

@ChaToilLeam

Clingy, manipulative and completely dismissive of your needs. I’d be getting rid. He sounds suffocating.
So manipulative and controlling.

A precursor to threats of suicide when you try and pull away.

(If he tries that shit, call the police to do a welfare check)

Dangerous as fxxk.
Complete head wreckers.
Harder work than 10 children.

Men like that want to control you by THEIR feelings dominating everything.

Dump and don't look back.

TheGrinchsDog · 21/01/2022 08:59

Red flags! Controlling and manipulative designed to make you do what you want against your own wants and needs or better judgement.

Run fast, run far!

TheGrinchsDog · 21/01/2022 09:00

*what he wants! Ffs I should proof read!

TheGrinchsDog · 21/01/2022 09:01

@NowEvenBetter

Wouldn’t worry how to broach the topic with him, just text ‘this doesn’t work for me. No need to contact me, thanks, all the best for the future.’ Listen to your instincts, put boundaries in place with future boyfriends, don’t accept creepy manipulative behaviours from anyone.
This ^ 100% Then ignore/block/contact police as necessary.
OffCycling · 22/01/2022 10:36

Hi OP,
I guess these replies must have been a bit of a shock as you've not been back to this thread? How are you doing?

MsMeNz · 22/01/2022 10:42

Ugh this would give me the ick. I can't stand needy ppl.

Delawaregirl · 22/01/2022 11:07

No no no!! I had one of these. It escalated horribly. Why did I not want to spend time with him? Was I messaging other men? Crying and texting if I went out...and on and on. Get rid quick. WA and police had to help me in the end. Don't ignore this, there's underlying issues that you don't want to be a part of.

judoludo · 22/01/2022 11:23

I talked earlier about my experience with this but it's led me to think about how it went as the relationship progressed. Some parts were great... or I thought it was. It was love bombing.

Then i went abroad for a week with my family and my dcs. The messages while I was away, FaceTimes....it was constant. I remember not being able to enjoy my holiday as he was constantly on the phone to me. Convinced I was having a holiday romance.

I could understand maybe feeling slightly insecure if I was on a wild girls holiday jn ibiza but I was watching the night time kids show playing bingo in bed for 10pm every night with my kids.

He just couldn't deal with the fact I'd gone and he had no control over what I did. It's all so clear now. I remember my mum getting abit annoyed at me that I spent so much time on my phone during that holiday but obviously she had no idea how sucked into it I was only 8 months in.

We fell out the night I got back as he asked if this holiday romance happened and I just couldn't believe it.

Carrying on in this relationship will 100% end up in situations like this. Part of you will love it but the most part will leave you exhausted and confused. You will be that wrapped up in it that you can't leave because you don't understand right from wrong anymore.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 22/01/2022 13:33

I think you both want different things.
Sounds like causal dating tbh. He does sound like a bit of a wuss though, if it's causal just drifting surely some time apart is a good idea. Maybe he wants more than you're prepared to give.
I have to admit, I dated women who were casual, I just multi-dated instead.
Me and Mrs hr had moved in after 2 months, nearly 3 yrs on we have a home and planning a family, lots of personal plans.

Original poster
Mellowmountain · 23/01/2022 01:52

Hey guys, so, after much talking he has decided to get treatment for his depression. I confronted him about the fact that he is either depressed , and or manipulating me by guilt tripping me. We had a good talk and he admitted that what he was doing to me wasn’t fair, and so , he is going to see a therapist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellowmountain · 23/01/2022 01:53

I may be back on this thread again in the future to talk some more, but for now thank you for all this insight into my possible future.

OP posts:
Zonder · 23/01/2022 04:43

Well done OP.

KatherineJaneway · 23/01/2022 06:52

Glad he has decided to get treatment

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2022 07:22

Are you going to stay with him? It’s good he’s getting therapy but you don’t need to hang around hoping he’ll improve

Sprucewillis · 23/01/2022 07:57

What he's really saying is I don't trust you and I don't want to make my own dinner. Crying to get your own way is really not very attractive. I'm surprised you've managed it this long.

nopenottodaysatan · 23/01/2022 08:34

Oh god no. This level of clingy would give me the ick. Theres nothing sexy about feeling obligated to stay with someone so they dont cry/feel sadConfused run op, raise the bar.

billy1966 · 23/01/2022 09:06

OP,

Why would you knowingly continue down a road with someone like this?

Why?

You can walk away.

Are you looking for a project?

Because you sure as shit have one now.

🙄

You are in a relationship where his needs are going to be a priority.

His depression
His emotions
His upset
His crying

Why would you knowingly continue on with this when you can walk away.

Unbelievable.

bakescakes · 23/01/2022 09:14

@billy1966

OP,

Why would you knowingly continue down a road with someone like this?

Why?

You can walk away.

Are you looking for a project?

Because you sure as shit have one now.

🙄

You are in a relationship where his needs are going to be a priority.

His depression
His emotions
His upset
His crying

Why would you knowingly continue on with this when you can walk away.

Unbelievable.

Have to say I agree with this 100%. You have to put yourself first.

I also wonder if you did back off, would he actually go to therapy? The oh my person that can help yourself is you. If he is just going to therapy as a way to keep you it will never work as he's going to therapy for all the wrong reasons.

It's hard op, you have been sucked in by him without knowing. Think about your boundaries, stick to them. Especially while he is in therapy if you plan on staying.

One your boundaries has to be you have to spend time in your own place. He needs to respect those boundaries no matter what he's feeling. It is NOT your job to fix him,

OffCycling · 23/01/2022 16:41

OP,
You can still leave while he's seeing a therapist. And I'd highly recommend that you get counselling separately for yourself at the same time. It took me over two decades before I realised I was in a coercively controlling relationship, yet with hindsight there were red flags all over it long before we were married. Ignore these at your peril.
My body was telling me things were very wrong - headaches, stomach aches, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts etc. but I just couldn't see the wood from the trees as he 'just wanted to spend time with me'. He loved it most of all when I was depressed as he could 'look after' me. I think someone else mentioned love bombing up thread too which is just another control method.
Please look after yourself. You don't need a reason to leave.