Boyfriend gets super weepy when I don’t spend a couple nights at his place

[Mellowmountain]

Hi everyone, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months. I have an apartment, and he has his. I have been spending most of my nights at his place, but, I am confused on how to handle this particular thing: when I say that I want to spent time at my own place for two nights of the week, he texts me that is is sad, and that his feelings of sadness are taking over him. Is this normal? I feel a sense of obligation to be over at his place every night because of this.

While many married couples DO sleep together every night, you're NOT married - you're in the early phases of dating.

Also, is it just you being there to "sleep" with him he wants? Or is it also sex and/or being together (eg watching the same tv show, playing music, doing a joint activity, staring lovingly into each other's eyes...)? Because very few long-term couples would expect or want to be together all evening every evening, even if they DO sleep in the same bed all night every night.

It's controlling and manipulative either way and you should run for the hills.

You've only been together nine months! And already he's clingy and dependent on you? That's a big nope from me.

He's being completely irrational. What's his reaction if you stand firm and say you're spending the night at yours, by yourself?

How does he react when you do things with friends? That's a good gauge of what a man is like...

Does he have friends/hobbies?

I don't know how anyone can find such a weepy/insecure/clingy man sexually attractive

Would be a massive turn off for me.
I'm getting the ick just reading about him

This sounds suffocating.

Are you exhausted because it’s long way to his go work? Because he snores? Or because you don’t realise how emotional drowning he is to be around all the time?

9m in totally healthy have few night week doing own thing, seeing own friends etc

End it, he is manipulating you, trying to control you with emotional blackmail. Sure you could talk to him about it and see if he's going to change or respect you, but you would still be accepting this as the baseline for his behaviour in your relationship, his normal, making it acceptable, that he will try and change, but he won't. He isn't letting you go home and be apart from him. Crying, 9 months in and he cries and is overwhelmed at how out of control his feelings are because you are at home? Jesus. It won't get any better, or else he wouldn't be like this in the first place. It not normal, agree with everyone else that its extremely unattractive too. Huge potential for this to become a relationship that ruins years of your life and takes away friendships and opportunities for you to live and enjoy your own life and career. Make sure you don't get pregnant. I bet you there's much more you don't know yet about his mental health and previous relationships. Does he work, does he enjoy his job, does he have lots of stories to tell you about how people have hurt him, treated him badly and let him down, left him when he needed them most? Run a mile.

He sounds needy and emotionally immature.
What are his good qualities op?

As pp have said, he either has a MH issue that he ought to seek help for (and that doesn't give him an excuse to manipulate and control you / it doesn't make his feelings more important than yours) OR he is deliberately trying to manipulate and control you / testing how far he can push you to do what he wants.

In both cases you would be better off leaving.

YANBU to want time alone. If he is not going to understand that then walk away now. Don't get emotionally blackmailed into spending every minute with him.
It reminds me a little of my friend's first boyfriend, when we were teenagers.
She wanted to finish with him but he would cry everytime she tried! She ended up with him for a long time, almost against her wishes, because she didn't want to make him cry! It was awful.

I’ve been though this and it gets worse. It’s no way to live. Ending the relationship when this was happening to me was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself. By that stage my every move was being monitored and I was sick of it.

Spells manipulation all over

@Rainbowqueeen

He is emotionally blackmailing you into doing something you do not want to do. And saying his needs are important but yours aren’t. That’s no way to live

Exactly this. He's smothering and controlling and at 9 months into the relationship this is only the beginning. You'll end up a shadow of the person you currently are if you stay. Please get out now while you can still see the wood from the trees.

I hate being emotionally manipulated so would be ending this relationship. It's one thing saying he misses you but another to guilt trip you to never leaving his side and to have no hobbies or interests not including you. Some people love a life of cute coupledom and doing everything together but I'd find it stifling especially him expecting you to take responsibility for his mental health

Clingy and pathetic, could become controlling. I would put my foot down in new relationships, by saying 'No living together for a few years, I am happy to meet for a date once or twice a week, staying overnight about once a fortnight', if they didn't like this they could leave. I like my own space, I have an interesting life, I am not giving everything up for a man I've been in a relationship with for less than a year.

Separation anxiety is for toddlers.

@toppkatz

Separation anxiety is for toddlers.

Hes not an emotionally well balanced individual. Its only been 9 months you owe him nothing. Not the kinda long term partner you need.

I still adore DH after 20 years of marriage but if he sleeps in the spare room for a night or is away I absolutely love it.
It’s not normal and it’s quite frankly unattractive for someone to behave like your boyfriend is, it’s also quite manipulative

Dump him and move on, he'll start to alienate you from friends and family. He'll stop you from living your life by getting all weepy and dramatic, it's not romantic it's actually coercive control.

Just another voice piping up to say, I don't share a bed with my husband. He doesn't sleep if we do. I also know someone with a successful marriage, 2 houses. I've thought about it before myself, couldn't afford it but I've never lived alone and wish I had been able to give it a go pre family. I still do now, actually. Also wanted to add, I've had an ex who cried a lot - his parents' marriage broke down but it was constant, and I'm not convinced it was fully genuine. It started to feel manipulative in the end, we were on the road to a breakup anyway and it was definitely used to try and make me stay. Nope. Crowbarred him off in the end. Felt like waking from a weird dream after.

Run. As fast as you can.

Don't walk away. Run!

He's either an obsessed control freak or a needy crybaby, neither of which are an attractive prospect.

@Mellowmountain

Now that you mention it, I am exhausted. I know couples in love that are married sleep together every night, so I can’t help but feel wrong for wanting to be at my place for a little bit. I think that guilt of this and how to even solve it is getting to me. He does have a history of depression but he hasn’t talked about it that much.

But you're not married so nothing to feel guilty about.