Boyfriend gets super weepy when I don’t spend a couple nights at his place

[Mellowmountain]

Hi everyone, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months. I have an apartment, and he has his. I have been spending most of my nights at his place, but, I am confused on how to handle this particular thing: when I say that I want to spent time at my own place for two nights of the week, he texts me that is is sad, and that his feelings of sadness are taking over him. Is this normal? I feel a sense of obligation to be over at his place every night because of this.

Too needy with potential to become possessive and controlling!

I'd explain that you have things to do and see how he reacts. I also agree with the poster who mentioned a rota for visits etc. doesn't have to be super strict but just something to set some boundaries and see what his response is.

What happens when you want to visit your folks/friends/go away with work for a few nights etc.

This is not healthy at all and lets be honest not terribly attractive. If you facilitate this neediness now it will only escalate to more controlling behaviour.

This would drive me mad. My dp and I live apart and stay together 2/3 nights a week when I don't have my dc. He would happily do more often and does say he misses me sometimes but not an 'overwhelming sadness'. He does his own thing on the nights we are apart (gaming mostly) and I do mine (tv/sorting kids/running) and I love it. I am 43 though and am not sure I could ever live with a man again!

Why are you expected to stay at his? Does he ever stay at yours?

@Mellowmountain

Now that you mention it, I am exhausted. I know couples in love that are married sleep together every night, so I can’t help but feel wrong for wanting to be at my place for a little bit. I think that guilt of this and how to even solve it is getting to me. He does have a history of depression but he hasn’t talked about it that much.

You're not married though? You're nine months into a relationship; his messages are quite weird.

Good god.

Either he's paranoid you will cheat, controlling and manipulative and will emotionally black.mail you all the time in which case run fir the hills

Or he has a number of issues which he doesn't care enough about himself to try and fix fir himself and prefers to outsource the responsibility to others.

Either way it sounds far to much like hard work , and gives you a ton of responsibility for things that are nothing to do with you. Your a girlfriend not a carer.

In which case the advice is the same. Leg it as fast as you can and don't look back.
And Block his clingy arse

He's either very insecure and sensitive, depressed or controlling. Either way you really have to tell him its too much and you need space to have a life away from him also.
I would have a chat with him about it ,his reaction will tell you all you need to know. But be prepared to walk away op.

He’s either nervy, anxious and clingy or maybe getting you to stay with him 7/7 gives him a feeling of control. Either way it’s not good.

Yes this is manipulation. Total red flag.

He sounds like a bellend. Sorry OP.

A lot of these posts sound severe but I can vouch for them, my now husband displayed similar behaviours at the beginning and 10 years in it has got progressively worse. You think “aww it’s sweet he misses me, must mean he really loves me” but it’s not a healthy love. Being solely responsible for another persons happiness is a WEIGHT to bare. If you really like home and don’t want it to end, steer him towards counselling now, before you can any deeper. Wishing you well x

Jesus, how are still sexually attracted to this guy ?

Urge that sounds awful, draining and exhausting. I'm married and we sleep together but my god I love it when he goes away!

I don't think he's a bellend though, sounds like he needs some help for depression but I'd still be running for the hills.

Nope, that's not for me. He's either exceptionally clingy or depressed, I wouldn't be waiting around to deal with either of those issues.

Tell him you’re thinking of going away with a friend and see what his reaction is.

It’s not normal, and even if it was it is how YOU feel that counts.

FWIW I would feel suffocated, and emotionally blackmailed.

Have a think about if there are other things that you may have raised an eyebrow too, but then brushed it off.

How long has he been out of a previous relationship before you met?

He's using emotional blackmail to get his own way, not healthy for either of you. You're dating him you’re not his therapist. If he needs that amount of support he needs to talk to someone.

No it's not normal and is very manipulative. I couldn't be doing with this as this type of neediness does my head in.

This is really unhealthy and incredibly unattractive.

Have you had any nights out with your friends/time away from him with your family?

The easy tears alone would put me right off him. It's perfectly ok for a man to cry if his heart has been broken, but mature adult men (or women) do not grizzle like toddlers over minor disappointments.

How does he react if, say, you have an evening out with your friends but go back to his overnight?

Think you know deep down continuing this isn’t healthy for you or possibly him

I’d end things. Now.

I ended up marrying a man like this. Very intense to start with and was at my house every single night. Some nights I didn't mind, others I wanted a night to myself but couldn't tell him because I knew the reaction I would get.

This is during a time of huge love bombing - I'm curious to know if you think he is love bombing you?

I remember one night I tried to gently tell him I'd like a night to myself and he turned it around to make me feel guilty. He left and sent me a message saying I had to 'miss him' and then another saying he felt sad as he should of been sleeping with me on 'our' bed!

It was the start of emotionally manipulative and controlling behaviour and 5 years later I am finally out.

So reading your thread shows huge red flags for me and also huge reasons to remind me why I was right to leave. I have huge amounts of healing to do, therapy, working with my womens aid worker. Please don't risk being like me op

This is quite worrying and possibly a sign of things to come. Does he also struggle when you choose to spend an evening with other friends or family? Making you feel guilty for not doing what he wants is emotional blackmail. You are not his mum or therapist.