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I have crossed a line - help
104

donesomethingterrible · 20/01/2022 00:19

Name changed and I cannot actually believe I'm posting this but here goes....

H and I had decided to separate a couple of months back. Things at home were so strained, he was so moody, me and DD walking on eggshells, he said there can't be any attraction as we don't have a sex life. Said he felt neglected as I am rarely at home, I don't ever instigate sex etc.

Anyway we were going to separate after Christmas to try and ensure that our DD had a good Christmas. Some family members had concerns about this and that it would be too difficult but we both agreed.

After Christmas had been....we sat down to discuss the details/practicalities and he told me he thinks we're making a mistake and we can fight for our marriage. I asked him how he would feel about a non existent sex life (as I have not had any feelings like that for a long time) and he said it's better to have a loving family.

I was just stunned and had decided in my head it was over. But being the idiot I am I then began to doubt my decision.
Long story short we're supposed to be trying again.

But this is the problem.....and I'm not expecting sympathy I am just in a really bad place and it feels better to share my thoughts and wonder if anyone in a similar position.

Shortly after we decided to separate somebody from the past got in touch to say hi. We haven't spoke for years and he definitely didn't know about the separation (nobody did).
He is with someone and they have a young baby.
At first it was just friendly but soon turned very flirtatious. I absolutely know I should have stopped it dead then - but I was dying inside at the thought of my marriage ending and the messages kept me going.

Something was reawakened in me that died a long, long time ago. He gave me a spark again. Made me feel attractive and wanted again. I know, oldest trick in the book.

Told him a few days ago I should probably not have him message me anymore. It killed me and I realised my feelings were getting deeper.
Despite this stupidly we ended up meeting briefly and the chemistry was absolutely electric. I had honestly really hoped that I'd find in real life it had faded after many years since I last saw him. It hasn't.
We did some things that I am not proud of and I feel horrific.
Partly with guilt each time I look at my husband. But mostly as I know this man is in a happy, committed relationship with a much, much younger woman and I am thinking about him every second of the day. I am desperate for the feelings he has given me and I know I can't have him. It is just not like that with H and I sadly.

I know I need to cut all contact and forget about him but I am finding it awful. I can't concentrate in work and can't sleep, I feel sick. I am so worried that I'll cave if he messages again.....this is not me. But I feel alive again.

Sorry for the long rambling post and I truly never saw this coming, I've never done anything like this in my life before 😞

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DiddyHeck · 20/01/2022 00:26

Something was reawakened in me that died a long, long time ago. He gave me a spark again. Made me feel attractive and wanted again. I know, oldest trick in the book.

What do you mean by 'oldest trick in the book'? Are you saying you think he's a lying predator, or are you just trying to blame him for 'turning your head' so you don't have to take any responsibility?

Either way, I know I need to cut all contact and forget about him but I am finding it awful. I can't concentrate in work and can't sleep, I feel sick. I am so worried that I'll cave if he messages again.....this is not me. But I feel alive again.

It is very much you right now. If you have any morals (because lets face it someone should have) you'll block him. Your DH doesn't deserve this, your DC doesn't deserve this, his DP doesn't deserve this and his young baby doesn't deserve this.

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Dillydollydingdong · 20/01/2022 00:28

This man just happened to strike when you were in a vulnerable place. Tbh I don't think you have a future with either man. The relationship with the first one has come to an end. You can try to breathe new life into it but how long can you live a loveless, sexless existence? Life is short. You need to enjoy it. The relationship with the second one isn't really a relationship at all - it sounds as though he was just taking advantage of a lonely vulnerable woman.

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DiddyHeck · 20/01/2022 00:32

The relationship with the second one isn't really a relationship at all - it sounds as though he was just taking advantage of a lonely vulnerable woman.

Why was the OP not taking advantage of a lonely vulnerable man?

There are two people in this affair/wrong doing....whatever you want to call it and they both have partners and DC.

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Clymene · 20/01/2022 00:39

Leave your husband - its over. And don't see this other bloke any more either - he's absolute scum.

Be on your own. Stop trying to find validation through men and learn to love yourself.

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Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2022 00:42

Don't ever communicate with this other man again, op. Come on now, don't be daft. Don't be foolish enough to be "that woman." If you are unhappy in your marriage, end it. You know now your feelings of wanting to be wanted are not gone, you just don't have them for your husband.

Down the line, stay the fuck away from men in relationships.

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Suzi888 · 20/01/2022 00:44

I’d forget about affair man, block and delete before everyone finds out, you’ll be to blame (as far as your family and friends are concerned). Don’t make a bigger mess, don’t mess your child around or your DH.

You and your DH need professional counselling, I think it’s gone too far to salvage it alone. If you can’t bear the thought of him touching you (or vice versa) I would split. Don’t prolong it, sounds amicable now… unless you carry on sleeping with another woman’s DH - she may well come knocking/ screenshotting messages and exposing you.

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DiddyHeck · 20/01/2022 00:45

@Clymene

Leave your husband - its over. And don't see this other bloke any more either - he's absolute scum.

Be on your own. Stop trying to find validation through men and learn to love yourself.

Sorry, why is the OP not 'absolute scum' too? Confused

I know this is MN and the OP doesn't have a penis but come on, what has either of them done differently? They're both in relationships, they both have DC and they've both cheated?
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midlifecrash · 20/01/2022 00:48

What the experience with OM has shown you is that a different life is possible. You are in love with that. Not with him. Forget him. A new life has to be about you.

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Clymene · 20/01/2022 00:50

She doesn't have a wife with a young baby @DiddyHeck

I think affairs are shit at the best of times but that is really fucking low. I'm not condoning the OP. She's shit, but she's not quite scum Smile

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MsDogLady · 20/01/2022 00:53

OP, you must immediately and definitively cut this affair dead. You are harming an innocent woman and baby.

You made an agreement with your H, and the parameters do not include outside emotional/sexual relationships.

It actually sounds like reuniting with H was a very unwise decision. You have zero attraction to him. He is perpetually grumpy, and you and DD walk on eggshells. This is a terribly unhealthy relationship model for her to absorb, and the stressful environment will be damaging her.

In your shoes, I would end your marriage, and cease contact with the partnered man. Please don’t be that person.

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Bravenheart · 20/01/2022 00:59

How could you do this knowing that that poor young girl at home has a baby?! I mean her man is vile, but you’re also a willing culprit

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donesomethingterrible · 20/01/2022 01:10

There is no excuse at all. He happened to get in touch at one of the lowest points of my life by chance and I went with it. I feel disgusted with myself.

He has tried to start up conversations in the past whilst married to his ex wife. I was then happily married with a young toddler and completely rejected him.

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hellobabyyy · 20/01/2022 01:10

But I feel alive again

Yeah because of someone else’s husband and a small babies Dad. Get a grip of yourself.

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donesomethingterrible · 20/01/2022 01:13

@Clymene

Leave your husband - its over. And don't see this other bloke any more either - he's absolute scum.

Be on your own. Stop trying to find validation through men and learn to love yourself.

I was actually quite excited about carving a life out for myself and DD and being on my own, although I had massive concerns and worries. This has all completely thrown me.
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Onthedunes · 20/01/2022 01:18

I feel disgusted with myself

I bet he doesn't.

This affair is causing you both pain and pleasure, but no good can come of it.

He has a young child and you are using him as a prop to ease your marriage woes. He is just an opportunist who is not capable of respecting his wife.

All of it sounds seedy, do the right thing, make a decision with your marriage that doesn't involve using this man as a band aid.

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donesomethingterrible · 20/01/2022 01:20

@DiddyHeck

Something was reawakened in me that died a long, long time ago. He gave me a spark again. Made me feel attractive and wanted again. I know, oldest trick in the book.

What do you mean by 'oldest trick in the book'? Are you saying you think he's a lying predator, or are you just trying to blame him for 'turning your head' so you don't have to take any responsibility?

Either way, I know I need to cut all contact and forget about him but I am finding it awful. I can't concentrate in work and can't sleep, I feel sick. I am so worried that I'll cave if he messages again.....this is not me. But I feel alive again.

It is very much you right now. If you have any morals (because lets face it someone should have) you'll block him. Your DH doesn't deserve this, your DC doesn't deserve this, his DP doesn't deserve this and his young baby doesn't deserve this.

By oldest trick in the book I mean with him - I guess I know what he is like and don't want to admit it to myself.

I was very young and single when we had a fling many years ago, but he was not. Again all instigated by him but yes I have allowed it to happen.
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donesomethingterrible · 20/01/2022 01:22

@Aquamarine1029

Don't ever communicate with this other man again, op. Come on now, don't be daft. Don't be foolish enough to be "that woman." If you are unhappy in your marriage, end it. You know now your feelings of wanting to be wanted are not gone, you just don't have them for your husband.

Down the line, stay the fuck away from men in relationships.

He actually said that...if I'm not happy leave and find somebody else who can do this to me. I know he's playing with my head I cannot work him out.
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Onthedunes · 20/01/2022 01:24

I was very young and single when we had a fling many years ago, but he was not. Again all instigated by him but yes I have allowed it to happen

You are placing yourself as the victim.
You are excusing your actions.

Get strong and do not allow men who have commitments to have access to your body.
Respect yourself more.

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Redglitter · 20/01/2022 01:26

@Clymene

She doesn't have a wife with a young baby *@DiddyHeck*

I think affairs are shit at the best of times but that is really fucking low. I'm not condoning the OP. She's shit, but she's not quite scum Smile

Ehm she has a husband and a young daughter so she's just as bad. How can you see him.as being worse
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Kinneddar · 20/01/2022 01:30

By oldest trick in the book I mean with him - I guess I know what he is like and don't want to admit it to myself.

I was very young and single when we had a fling many years ago, but he was not. Again all instigated by him but yes I have allowed it to happen


Don't make excuses. You're trying to deflect blame here & portray yourself as a victim - You're not. You made a choice to act on your feelings with him. Now at least be honest with yourself and decide if you really thunk your marriage is salvageable.

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donesomethingterrible · 20/01/2022 01:33

I really don't mean to play the victim. I know I am not.

And I hate how he's got inside my head as it's consuming me. I don't know how to even think about my marriage right now.

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Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2022 01:39

I don't know how to even think about my marriage right now.

So don't think about your marriage right now, just don't have a single thing to do with this other man ever again. He's playing both you and his partner for fools. Don't be stupid enough to think you're something special to him.

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donesomethingterrible · 20/01/2022 01:47

Thank you for the replies. After spending most of the day crying (it's pathetic I know) I know what I must do.

@Aquamarine1029
I needed to hear such honesty as yes, I guess I actually began to believe we had a connection. What a dick I am.

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MsDogLady · 20/01/2022 02:02

This guy is such a manipulative Player. He has no conscience, and thrives on using women as his ego supply.

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LimboAgain · 20/01/2022 02:03

@Suzi888

I’d forget about affair man, block and delete before everyone finds out, you’ll be to blame (as far as your family and friends are concerned). Don’t make a bigger mess, don’t mess your child around or your DH.

You and your DH need professional counselling, I think it’s gone too far to salvage it alone. If you can’t bear the thought of him touching you (or vice versa) I would split. Don’t prolong it, sounds amicable now… unless you carry on sleeping with another woman’s DH - she may well come knocking/ screenshotting messages and exposing you.

OP you have my sympathies. My exDH had an affair and in turmoil of end of marriage I very quickly met someone new who I immediately became hugely attracted and who brought a huge and very missing spark to my life. When you haven’t had that spark for a long time or felt alive it is hard to walk away from, but that is what you need to do.

Follow Suzi888’s advice, End contact with OM immediately, get counselling (perhaps on your own initially, you might need to explore telling your DH about the affair?) It may not be possible to save your marriage but it should make it easier for all of you. And who knows, counselling can sometimes open new horizons completely. I wish you well and hope you WILL find the ‘aliveness’’ you crave.
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