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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me? Am I toxic ?

125 replies

Moff2k · 16/01/2022 19:10

Been with DP 2 years. We are both divorced and don't live together. We see each other a lot though, the 50% of time he doesn't have his primary school age dc infact. Mine are young adults.
I always stay at his because my dc don't see their dad.
DP is only my second relationship and I'm 48.
I was with exdh from 17 until my early 40s then got with DP.

I feel unsettled and don't know why. I've googled it and it appears I suffer from retroactive jealousy.
I hate hearing about him and his exw. They coparent 500 so are in touch a lot. Daily infact. Its only about the dc. I've seen message's and heard phone calls, its always child related. But it bothers me SO much. I'm so jealous.
I hate that she ended it and he asked for marriage counselling to fix it ( he told )
I hate the fact he said he was devastated and will always feel he failed at marriage.
I hate hearing the phone ping and him replying.
I hate he asks her opinion on dc stuff.
I hate knowing he married her, I hate the thought of them cuddling in bed, laughing and talking.
Today we were talking and he mentioned he used to email her every morning after dropping the dc off at nursery, to update her, tell her he loved her and to have a good day. We were talking about how things end in relationships , to give context. He was saying that it was a hard habit to give up
He texts me similar every morning and I have always loved that, but now it feels tainted, like its not our thing.
I hate he bought a house with her after only 18 months of dating, but to me he has said he never wants to marry or share finances again. He says he loves me and sees me in his future but not us married.
I'm so so jealous. Its affecting my moods, my life, its all I think about.
I've never dated anyone with an ex because he's only my second relationship.
Is this normal? Is he normal? Is feeling this way normal? I feel out of control quite honestly.
This has been our weekend together and honestly I've ruined it, being quiet, brooding etc.
I've tried to talk to him about it and he's reassured me so many times, saying even if she came back saying she had made a terrible mistake, he would never go back. He says he could never forgive her etc. This weekend I said I hate I have to share him etc and he got irritated, telling me I was being silly, that it's only about the kids etc....
How can I stop ?
Is this even right for me?

OP posts:

Yummypumpkin · 16/01/2022 19:13

It's not healthy. You say yourself it's out of control.

Either you stay single or you need to deal with these attachment issues.

Was your first husband in any sense a rescuer from a difficult childhood?

What things in that relationship triggered your jealousy.

Original poster

Moff2k · 16/01/2022 19:17

I never got jealous in my marriage.
He was overly controlling and jealous of me, it was suffocating........ironically it was what ended it.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/01/2022 19:18

I mean this very kindly op - you need therapy.

These feelings you're having aren't normal and you need to work through them.

I suspect (armchair psychologist I know) that you have a long held fear of abandonment, and that's what's driving this.

Yummypumpkin · 16/01/2022 19:21

@Moff2k

I never got jealous in my marriage. He was overly controlling and jealous of me, it was suffocating........ironically it was what ended it.

So your attachment issues weren't triggered as you seemingly both had insecure attachment styles.

And the childhood?

LethargicActress · 16/01/2022 19:22

This isn’t healthy and you need to do something about it otherwise it could easily be very toxic. But you’re recognising it, and if you can find some kind of therapy to help you work out why you feel so jealous then you and your relationship could be much happier.

Original poster

Moff2k · 16/01/2022 19:22

I was raised by 2 very young parents. I've never felt they were particularly there for me tbh. I'm not that close to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Moff2k · 16/01/2022 19:26

Is it me though?
I mean, he bought a house with her after 18 months together, they got married.
He won't do that with me...
They went abroad together after 3 months, we've never been abroad.
I've tried to step back and excuse it by thinking, well yes of course that happened, he was in his 30s, he's now early 50s and at a different stage in his life. I can't help thinking, but no, it's because he will never love me as much.
She got everything and then threw it away, why ??????

OP posts:

Darhon · 16/01/2022 19:28

I have a similar relationship background and set up and I’m a similar age. Google relationship insecurity - lots of articles about it and how to manage it. Also look at attachment theory.

I also think you’ve met a nice guy who is good at relationships so you’re getting the benefits of that - knows how to communicate, is loving etc. don’t throw that away too quickly because in your 40s, most people you meet will have baggage and background relationships. In fact I always see it as a bigger red flag if there has been no significant relationship.

But you can manage it.

anon12345678901 · 16/01/2022 19:33

Yes this is your issue. You have extreme jealousy over his past, he can't change that. I'm the same as him that I never want to marry again, I've done that and it didn't work out, I wouldn't chose to do it again especially as I have a child.
What does it matter to you why she threw it away? It's really not your concern and if you carry on behaviour like this; you'll start to push him away and end the relationship yourself. You need to speak to a therapist to work through your jealousy issues and they can get down to the heart of it.

Yummypumpkin · 16/01/2022 19:55

@Moff2k

Is it me though? I mean, he bought a house with her after 18 months together, they got married. He won't do that with me... They went abroad together after 3 months, we've never been abroad. I've tried to step back and excuse it by thinking, well yes of course that happened, he was in his 30s, he's now early 50s and at a different stage in his life. I can't help thinking, but no, it's because he will never love me as much. She got everything and then threw it away, why ??????

This is absolutely your issue.

Yummypumpkin · 16/01/2022 19:59

@Moff2k

I was raised by 2 very young parents. I've never felt they were particularly there for me tbh. I'm not that close to them.

It therefore makes a lot of sense, and is USUAL, that you get anxious as to whether others in your life will be there for you.

How you feel isn't your fault: its the result of inconsistent or distant caregiving.

But you can choose whether or not to do the work to change.

If not, your relationship future is very bleak.

You need to revisit how you felt as a child: the times you felt ignored, abandoned, unloved, frightened.

And you need to learn to recognise who you are and the ways in which this insecurity plays out in your relationships.

To recognise you are good and lovable and that others can be trusted.

You don't have to stay trapped like this by your own fear and anger.

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 20:00

Personally I don't think this is entirely a you problem, so I disagree with the other comments.

I think he burdened you with a lot of baggage early on and that has had a knock on affect on your whole relationship. I don't think telling your partner that you will always regret your marriage breaking down and still feel hurt about it is ever a good way to start a relationship and I don't think it's that surprising you've ended up feeling as you do.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 16/01/2022 20:01

It is you, not him. You're at different life stages now than when he met his Ex. They co-parent there is going to be contact. You said yourself it's all above board, they talk just about the DC. You're jealous of his past, and being moody with him because of it. He doesn't deserve that. If you can afford to I'd go and see a psychologist privately, otherwise get on a waitlist for NHS counseling and find a relevant self help book and start doing the work needed to feel more secure in your relationship.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/01/2022 20:02

You really need to get therapy for this. Apart from it being essential for your own well-being, if you continue on with this awful pervasive jealousy you’re going to lose your relationship, no sensible person should have to put up with their partner essentially punishing them for having loved and been married to somebody else previously.

The only remotely reasonable aspect of what you describe is being disappointed he’s said that he won’t ever want to marry you. I think he’s perfectly entitled to feel that way, but it’s also perfectly fine for you to want a relationship which leads to marriage and for that to ultimately be a dealbreaker. You need to decide whether you can accept never being married, or to break up and find somebody who wants the same as you.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 16/01/2022 20:05

It's a You problem, yes, but he's also basically told you if the ex wants him back, he would go back with her.

You might need to date someone else.

Yummypumpkin · 16/01/2022 20:08

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

It's a You problem, yes, but he's also basically told you if the ex wants him back, he would go back with her.

You might need to date someone else.

Are you in an alternate universe???

From OPs first point. She literally could not be clearer:

"he's reassured me so many times, saying even if she came back saying she had made a terrible mistake, he would never go back."

AlbertBridge · 16/01/2022 20:09

Read "Rebecca". Then dump him and find someone who likes you more than this bloke does.

supercali77 · 16/01/2022 20:10

Yes its you. Firstly their current relationship is purely about the kids and is amicable. I cant tell you how uncomplicated this is by comparison to many others. Plenty of us rush into relationships when we're young. Moving in quickly. Having kids quickly. His kids aren't adults yet so it would mean moving in with them, which complicates things massively. After having DC most people are a LOT less lasseiz faire than they were when young. Id try therapy and also you need to stop looking for reassurance. Anxiety feeds off itself. Stop asking him and ask him respectfully if the two of you can keep conversations to the present for now

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/01/2022 20:21

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

It's a You problem, yes, but he's also basically told you if the ex wants him back, he would go back with her.

You might need to date someone else.

I don’t see where he’s said this at all - OP said that he’s reassured her of the opposite and said he’d never go back. That he wanted to try marriage counselling before their divorce is hardly saying that if his ex asked him back he’d go, most people with children would, I imagine, attempt marriage counselling before divorce.

Dearblossom · 16/01/2022 20:32

@aSofaNearYou

Personally I don't think this is entirely a you problem, so I disagree with the other comments.

I agree. It sounds like you have been a bit of a counsellor to him.I think this is a 50/50 situation. Do explore where you are vulnerable in relationships but please don't take on all the weight of this. I also think if you do want a love story then this is not the man that is going to give you that. Its not easy at a certain age but to date a widower who was in love is wiser, they do want to settle down again. Avoid men who have recently split up, they have no idea what they are doing and just miss the body warmth frankly. Treat it as a transitionary relationship but there is someone out there who wants to scoop you up, go on hols and marry you again.

TedMullins · 16/01/2022 20:37

Yes it’s you - I have BPD so have been insanely jealous and paranoid in relationships before but I had to realise it was entirely my issue to get over it. Most people have exes and have loved others before. There’s nothing wrong with that or him having a friendly coparenting relationship.

Geppili · 16/01/2022 20:51

How much does he tell you about the ex? Is he manipulating you?

Mumof3confused · 16/01/2022 21:44

Is it me though?
it sounds like it could be. If you are not careful you might drive him away.

I mean, he bought a house with her after 18 months together, they got married.
He was going, free and possibly naive. Totally different scenario and nothing to do with you.

They went abroad together after 3 months, we've never been abroad.
He has totally different commitments and lifestyle now. Can you talk about planning a trip away together?

I can't help thinking, but no, it's because he will never love me as much.
He sounds like a really nice guy. Maybe he will, if you take the risk and open up to the possibility?

She got everything and then threw it away, why
Who knows. They grew apart? Wrong to start with? Wanted different things? It doesn’t matter, it happened. If you don’t deal with your insecurities you may ruin what you’ve got here.

Philly1234 · 16/01/2022 21:54

I think some talking therapy would help op. You’re open to your role in this dynamic and I think that’s good. However do trust your instincts. I mean, why the hell is he telling you he’d email his exdw every morning after the school run to say he loved her? Why does he think you would ever want to hear about that???

dopple · 16/01/2022 22:22

You're not entirely happy, he can't give you what you need in the relationship and that is what he gave to her he won't give to you. You don't have to stay in a relationship where you needs are met.

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