Is it me? Am I toxic ?

[Moff2k]

Been with DP 2 years. We are both divorced and don't live together. We see each other a lot though, the 50% of time he doesn't have his primary school age dc infact. Mine are young adults.
I always stay at his because my dc don't see their dad.
DP is only my second relationship and I'm 48.
I was with exdh from 17 until my early 40s then got with DP.

I feel unsettled and don't know why. I've googled it and it appears I suffer from retroactive jealousy.
I hate hearing about him and his exw. They coparent 500 so are in touch a lot. Daily infact. Its only about the dc. I've seen message's and heard phone calls, its always child related. But it bothers me SO much. I'm so jealous.
I hate that she ended it and he asked for marriage counselling to fix it ( he told )
I hate the fact he said he was devastated and will always feel he failed at marriage.
I hate hearing the phone ping and him replying.
I hate he asks her opinion on dc stuff.
I hate knowing he married her, I hate the thought of them cuddling in bed, laughing and talking.
Today we were talking and he mentioned he used to email her every morning after dropping the dc off at nursery, to update her, tell her he loved her and to have a good day. We were talking about how things end in relationships , to give context. He was saying that it was a hard habit to give up
He texts me similar every morning and I have always loved that, but now it feels tainted, like its not our thing.
I hate he bought a house with her after only 18 months of dating, but to me he has said he never wants to marry or share finances again. He says he loves me and sees me in his future but not us married.
I'm so so jealous. Its affecting my moods, my life, its all I think about.
I've never dated anyone with an ex because he's only my second relationship.
Is this normal? Is he normal? Is feeling this way normal? I feel out of control quite honestly.
This has been our weekend together and honestly I've ruined it, being quiet, brooding etc.
I've tried to talk to him about it and he's reassured me so many times, saying even if she came back saying she had made a terrible mistake, he would never go back. He says he could never forgive her etc. This weekend I said I hate I have to share him etc and he got irritated, telling me I was being silly, that it's only about the kids etc....
How can I stop ?
Is this even right for me?

I feel i understand you OP - and that I have a less mild version of the same thing. Its like you already know its not rational, but you can't help but taint things.

For example - My DP use to go to his ex's Nan's holidya home in Turkey every year on holiday. I now exclude it from our destination list.
Its SO illogical, i know that. But i want my own memories - i hate the thought of walking in someone elses footsteps so to speak.

I have gotten better over time, by pulling myself aside when i think negatively, and reminding myself that everyone has a past - including you! - and that the past doesnt reflect on the present.

I know its not pleasant hearing your DP speak fondly of his ex, however that is actually the sign of a true gentleman - logically speaking it shows his character is much nicer than someone who would consitently slag off their exp and mother to his children.

Remind yourself that he choses you, every day. He is with YOU, now. Because he wants to be.
However, you speak of him not wanting to get married etc - is this something you want? Because there may be a deeper concern if your views of the future don't align.

Please dont feel you are any less because he did all of these things before he knew you existed - Their relationship doesn't reflect yours.

My DP brought a house with his ex after 18 months, and a dog. We are now 2.5 years down the line, renting a home with said dog fomr previous relationship. Our relationships are different, but i know he is 1000% happier now then he was with her.

I think you need counselling. X

I thought your post was very lovely @Bexxe

Oh this is really your issue

Ask your GP to refer you for some therapy.

My ex DH wife after me was like this. Their marriage never stood a chance as she could not accept him co parenting with me. I left him and that meant in her head that I could have him back whenever I wanted. Not true and never going to happen but she could not be placated on this. She even accused us of having sex on the playing field when he attended DD sports day, such was her psychosis over us being in the same vicinity. Their marriage ended two years ago. She is deeply damaged and actually quite dangerous to herself and others. Your partner cannot undo his past. So you either accept him as he is with the relationships he already has in place and trust and enjoy him as much as you can, or you let him go. You are of an age where every man you meet will have a history, don't ruin something good with intrusive and negative false thoughts.

I'd suggest reading this book on attachment OP, may help you understand why you're feeling this way. And it is somewhat common to feel like this, definitely doesn't make you toxic.
Will also help define his attachment style too - he may be mostly secure but a little avoidant due to breakdown of past relationship

https://www.waterstones.com/book/attached/amir-levine/rachel-heller/9781529032178

Thank you for all the advice, I have been reading it. The comment about security resonates with me. I have thrown myself fully into this relationship, almost at the detriment of my own family and certainly money. I need to think about myself, but I can't and don't. It's as if I see my self worth only if someone else does.
As for how much he is enmeshed with the exw still, I can give you an example from yesterday that I am now ruminating and overthinking about.
He had been considering buying a product for one of the dc. He asked my advice, I researched and gave him my opinion. I then found a better one, quite expensive and I bought it and had it delivered to him yesterday as a surprise.
He didn't mention it all day.
I text him last night to ask if he had received it, he had but had assumed it was from exw as he had also discussed it with her. The thing I had originally suggested she had told him was no good and supplied " reviews: so he assumed she had provided an alternative.
He thanked me profusely.
But I just felt rubbish.
He discussed it with her, took her advice over mine, then assumed the gift was from her. Eurgh what's even the point of me.
Last weekend he had the kids, he was irritated about something to do with the kids, discussed it with her by text and she sent him money to treat the kids and him to lunch out.
He tells me all this, is quite transparent but it makes me so so jealous...

@Moff2k can I ask. Why did you buy the item that is for his DC as a surprise? I mean it’s not even for him.

I have to be honest with you. I have a boundaried and healthy co-parenting relationship with my exh. I don’t want him back and have absolutely no interest in being with him in any capacity.

If we are looking at something expensive for our DC (laptops is a good example), we discuss it. Why? Because we are normally both contributing in some way to the larger purchases. I’d be a bit thrown if someone else bought it. I mean don’t get me wrong I’d be equally happy that I didn’t have to spend money, but if it’s something for my DC, isn’t that for the parents to make the final decision? I also wouldn’t think for a second that my partner had bought the expensive item for my child, I too would assume their father had. It’s a natural assumption to make.

Re the dinner? A few months ago my exh and I had miscommunication over when the kids were being dropped back to mine. Total mistake, but it meant he had to cancel dinner plans (and it was a special occasion). I apologised and said dinner is on me, and sent money for him to take our kids out to dinner. Why? He was a bit annoyed and it helped to smooth things over. It makes my life easier. Arguing with him or falling out over stupid stuff is not worth it, I want a quiet life.

I cannot stress enough, neither of us want a reconciliation. The relationship we have works for our kids and us. There is next to no conflict. Communication is healthy and what we are modelling sets a tone for healthy respectful communication to our children. They also know that with such open communication they cannot play one parent off against another (very common in divorced/ separated families).

I don’t know what to advise for you aside from counselling. There is no one I would change my co-parenting relationship for and if they had repeated issues, then tbh I would end the relationship. There is nothing inappropriate in the two examples you have given. And you have stated in a previous Op that all their comms are child orientated.

But it sounds like it’s making you utterly miserable and you are tying yourself up in knots over it. Which must be awful. Perhaps this isn’t the relationship for you?

@Moff2k

Thank you for all the advice, I have been reading it. The comment about security resonates with me. I have thrown myself fully into this relationship, almost at the detriment of my own family and certainly money. I need to think about myself, but I can't and don't. It's as if I see my self worth only if someone else does. As for how much he is enmeshed with the exw still, I can give you an example from yesterday that I am now ruminating and overthinking about. He had been considering buying a product for one of the dc. He asked my advice, I researched and gave him my opinion. I then found a better one, quite expensive and I bought it and had it delivered to him yesterday as a surprise. He didn't mention it all day. I text him last night to ask if he had received it, he had but had assumed it was from exw as he had also discussed it with her. The thing I had originally suggested she had told him was no good and supplied " reviews: so he assumed she had provided an alternative. He thanked me profusely. But I just felt rubbish. He discussed it with her, took her advice over mine, then assumed the gift was from her. Eurgh what's even the point of me. Last weekend he had the kids, he was irritated about something to do with the kids, discussed it with her by text and she sent him money to treat the kids and him to lunch out. He tells me all this, is quite transparent but it makes me so so jealous...

In this example I’m sorry but it’s definitely you! He asked your advice about the product for his DC but you overstepped. You gave advice but then followed up by trying to force your decision on him and his DC. Your intentions were good but the final choice isn’t your call to make, especially if the children’s mother wants something different. Your partner probably feels bad about it but he’s made his boundaries very clear - imo, not in a bullying way, more so that things are clear and there is no misunderstanding - and you have to respect them. Things may change in time but for now you have to respect that. You complain about him being “enmeshed” with the mother of his children. In this example I don’t see that at all. I do see you trying desperately to insert yourself into his DC’s lives instead of just focusing on your own DC.

Ok the item was pricey, not luxury like a laptop. It was a hair product.

This sums it up for me I have thrown myself fully into this relationship, almost at the detriment of my own family and certainly money. I need to think about myself, but I can't and don't. It's as if I see my self worth only if someone else does

I don't think saying almost at the detriment of my family and money, I think it is to the detriment.

Its tough when you leave a bad marriage not to latch on to the first man who shows you attention but it can be done. Its very common for people who've been in llng relationships/marriages not to want to live with someone or marry again. My partner knows I won't live with him (or any man) and definitely won't be getting married again - if this was a problem for him he could walk away just like you can walk away from your partner.

You are worth so much more than twisting yourself up worrying about his ex.
What hobbies, friends etc do you have outside of your relationship?

I'm not sure you should be in any relationship until you've had counselling. You have made your whole life about him rather than having a great life and him being a great addition.

I'm also concerned about money, you mention being with him is detrimental financially. You brought an expensive thing for one of his children, his ex gave him money for lunch out - does he have money issues and you're shoring him up?

@Moff2k the actual item itself is irrelevant. As is the cost. It’s the principle. The parents are discussing an item, your DP asks your opinion and you outright buy it. For their DC. Can you not see how that is possibly unboundaried/ an overstep? Or that it’s entirely natural that of course your DP assumed that his exwife had bought it? I would in his shoes. Why would I think my partner had bought it?

I absolutely appreciate that this is something you’re struggling with. I would hate to feel the way you do. It cannot be nice. What are you going to do?

@sassbott I feel like I'm trying to justify myself but I want you to have a full picture so you can tell me if iabu or not.
The item was something I suggested that could help with his dc. It was my idea as a solution to a problem. He obviously then discussed my idea with exw she said no to what I had suggested apparently. When I bought it as a surprise I figured he would know it was me as it was a discussion between us. I didn't realise he had discussed it with her, but I should have known.
She also doesn't know I exist btw. He hasn't told her, says it's none of her business.
Although I've met the children once and I've given them Xmas and birthday gifts so I'm guessing she's aware. He just hasn't said anything formally.

Eurgh I'm tired of thinking about it quite honestly

It feels like you need to take a bit of a step back, I think I would feel a bit smothered in this situation. Why are you giving them gifts if you have only met once? That is a bit over the top too. It’s a bit odd that he hasn’t told his ex about having a new partner but it wouldn’t be completely unusual (I don’t remember now how long you’ve been together but if it’s years I’d expect her to know by now). Why don’t you talk through things with a counsellor? It seems you both have some boundary issues and you are insecure, I believe some help to work that out would be really good for you.

You've only met the kids once but you went ahead and bought the item as a surprise? Sorry OP, that it massively overstepping the boundaries.

No wonder he assumed it was from the wife. Getting an item for the kids is a parenting decision. It's assumed they would share the cost. You can make suggestions, but It's not your place to decide, especially when you are not involved in the kids life.

You have a massive insecurity problem which will eventually destroy this relationship with who seems to be a good kind responsible men, and all relationships that will come after. You're not going to find a man with no prior history at your age. And your mind will always be on the lookout to find and fixate on silly comparisons with his exes. Then you'll just badger them to death seeking reassurance. Sulking and stonewalling are emotionally abusive and no person should put up with that in the name of shilding you from your jealousy and insecurity. I'm sorry, but it is 100% you.

I understand your situation somewhat. The man I'm with has a v close co parenting thing with his ex and they are friends. However there were a few situations early on where it became obvious that they were...id say enmeshed financially and emotionally beyond what I thought was healthy. And I said it wasn't for me. I have to be with someone who aside from kids is a completely independant agent. And he listened and it changed, they remain friends and im happy thats the case. Sometimes exes fall into enmeshed situations because they've really no reason not to until someone new comes on the scene. The thing is you have to decide whether its a hard no, you cant stay in it and wrap yourself in knots because it isn't how you want it, you have to take a stance or ask for specifically what you want. For example you said he hasn't told her about you bevause its none of her business. Have you thought to say 'I would like it if you would tell your ex about me upfront, it would make me feel more comfortable.' If you aren't clear with him about what makes you uncomfortable, he's not necessarily going to intuit it.

As for the product you bought, its a kind gesture but it seems to have been brought about by insecurity, so now you feel crap. Try to resist seeking validation like this and start being really direct about what makes you uncomfortable and what you want.

Just saw the bit where the ex doesn’t know you exist - after 2 years.
Ok - that part is a little odd. Yanbu there!

Yeah I also just saw its been 2 years and you've met his kids once? I thought we were v cautious waiting 14 months to meet the kids....2 years is a long time by most peoples standards. When he says he doesnt want to marry...does he also not want to live together?

No he doesn't want us to live together. I think it's more about finances than anything.
I'm so tired of it all.
I love him so much but 10 to 15 texts a day , even if just about the kids is enough to make me feel crazy

Your updates change things a little.
15 texts a day about the DC is a lot. Is this 15 texts from him to her or the other way around?
Have you spoken to him about the ex not knowing about you after 2 years? It’s reasonable to feel a bit hidden and denied if he hasn’t spoken about you to someone he texts 15 times a day. What does he say about that?

And you want marriage and presumably living together yes? Id wager my bf exchanges the same or more daily texts with his ex and while mostly about their kids they're also pals so its also just general chit chat. However, I know they are just friends, there is no going back or hankering over what they had so it doesn't bother me. So, I don't think its about the texts. As other pp have said, him relating his heartbreak over the ending to you has probably heightened insecurity and since the 2 of you aren't heading towards marriage and living together....I suspect that's the actual issue if im honest. If those things were in place and happening im not sure you'd feel so much insecurity. If you want marriage and living together.....is this really going to work when he doesnt ?

I really can't see this relationship going anywhere.

What do you actually like about him? Or are you stuck in a cycle of just being cross about his contact with his ex? Of course they have to stay in contact. If you can't cope with that, then you need to leave them to it. Sorry.

OP you definitely need therapy as your feelings aren't normal and much of it will drive others away.

But I will also say this: if he's been with you two years, has daily contact with his ex but hasn't mentioned you to his ex, that's a massive red flag. It suggests he's still hoping they will get back together and he doesn't want to "ruin" they opportunity by indicating that he's moved on (even if she has no intention of getting back together, which I doubt she has from your posts)

10-15 texts a day seems too much, there surely can’t be THAT much they need to communicate about. And the fact that she knows nothing about you after 2 years, you are not being unreasonable about that at all. Do the children know you are his new partner?

Does she have a new partner?