@Moff2k I think it is hard to know exactly how unboundaried he is being vs how much of this is you. Sometimes these dynamics can be subtle.
The first thing I will say is that it is very common after toxic relationships and learned behaviours within those toxic relationships to then replicate those unhealthy behaviours elsewhere. You say your ex was jealous and controlling so there are parts of that dynamic you will have absorbed. Jealousy could well equal love to you at some deep down level - you may well be replicating dysfunction.
In terms of your partner? To me nothing sounds (on the surface) as problematic. If someone as to ask me today (6+ years on from divorce) how I feel about my exh, yes I still have moments of sadness that our marriage failed and that our family was ripped apart. When younger children are involved, it’s heartbreaking. And it doesn’t matter what you do, you never recover the one true family feel. I adore my kids and our unit feels complete, but it’s not the same. Will I ever go back to him? No. I’ve done a lot of work to process my emotions, accept the family breakdown and move forward. Bluntly it’s a thousand times healthier than people stuck in anger/ bitterness. To me it’s healthy that he can be this honest and open.
In terms of the relationship he has with his ex? Superb. Amicable co-parenting is healthy, best for the children and actually healthier for everyone involved. I don’t know how much they message/ talk, and whether that is OTT, but it sounds like it is all child orientated so again, sounds fine. As the children get older, this will lessen.
In terms of marriage etc. Again I can’t fault him, he is being very honest and giving you complete clarity. Again I don’t think it is unusual that he doesn’t wish to remarry - I am exactly the same. Been there, got the t-shirt with the father to my children. I’m not having more children and therefore, my assets/ priority are my children. I will happily enter a LTR committed relationship, but no marriage here. I won’t risk my assets / complicate my personal circumstances again.
Jealousy re the past? I think you’re onto a bit of a no win game here. Short of finding a man with no kids/ no exes, what is the answer? Everyone has a past. I’d be more worried if someone didn’t by this age.
The thing is no one on here can tell you what to do. He can either meet your needs or he cannot. If one of your needs is to remarry and that is something very important to you, then this may not be the man for you. You have to be honest with yourself.
Personally? I would get into therapy asap. If I met someone kind, boundaried, respectful, loving, honest and open (whom I also fancied) I would think long and hard before letting them go. None of what you have said to me would cause an issue with me. But I’m not living it and there may be nuances of behaviour here that are unsettling.
Therapy OP and be careful. Because his recent comment of maybe he can’t meet your needs? He’s now very conscious that you are not happy. A healthy person will eventually walk away from a situation like this. There’s only so long you can seek to constantly reassure an insecure person.
I’m curious did you do any therapy after leaving your relationship that sounds emotionally abusive?