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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The silent treatment is so damaging

144 replies

Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 15:06

My bf is currently giving me the silent treatment after a row I didn’t even realise was a row . A conversation that he took offence to.

He says he isn’t giving me the silent treatment but he is . It’s really messing with my mh. Any tips please ?

OP posts:
MysticPeg1 · 16/01/2022 21:34

So awful seeing how many men actually do this. My ex gave me the silent treatment for 6 weeks, it was absolute hell, I can't even describe the pain that crushed me trying to talk to him and he just sat and looked straight through me. So glad I'm away from that now.

changeyourname11111 · 16/01/2022 21:45

[quote freeatlast2021]@changeyourname11111 good for you![/quote]
Thank you!

Yes I remember the pain as well @MysticPeg1. Mine did it for weeks and weeks at a time as well and I used to go round with a permanent and awful anxious ache in my stomach.

We are now divorced and no contact (we have dc but they are teenagers and we don’t need to communicate about them) and I never get that awful ache any more.

I might never meet anyone else - but there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not happy I got away.

UserBot314159 · 16/01/2022 21:51

Better late than never 💝

freeatlast2021 · 16/01/2022 21:59

It is interesting @changeyourname11111 you talking about the ache in your tummy. Same here. I also had that almost as a constant, to the point I thought I was going to develop an ulcer or a cancer. I did not realize that it was because of him, I though I was just sensitive and everything bothered me, but now that my ex has moved out (five months now), I have not felt it almost at all. I feel so much better, calmer, content.

2022newyrnewme · 16/01/2022 22:57

What’s hard to comprehend is the fact that if they got their own way they would just carry on. Mine had lots of future plans a few weeks ago but now he’s not speaking to me after saying something out of order to me. Because I haven’t chased it’s been about 10 weeks..hes gone..just like that you mean nothing. It’s quite incredible how stubborn and sulky they can be..and I hope I never have to experience this ever again.

UserBot314159 · 16/01/2022 23:02

I bet he genuinely feels like the victim of you @2022newyrnewme You didn't see his needs and leap up to meet his needs, so he experienced a feeling of inadequacy and shame, briefly, and in his head, you made him feel shame so therefore you're bad. You couldn't argue with this! So congratulations on allowing him to dump himself like this!

changeyourname11111 · 16/01/2022 23:09

@freeatlast2021

It is interesting *@changeyourname11111* you talking about the ache in your tummy. Same here. I also had that almost as a constant, to the point I thought I was going to develop an ulcer or a cancer. I did not realize that it was because of him, I though I was just sensitive and everything bothered me, but now that my ex has moved out (five months now), I have not felt it almost at all. I feel so much better, calmer, content.
I am glad you feel better @freeatlast2021 Flowers.

Yes you’re right @UserBot314159 - better late than never.

2022newyrnewme · 16/01/2022 23:09

@UserBot314159 well yes, exactly that! I know why he said what he said and so does he, but because he can’t admit why instead he gaslit me saying something even worse and out of order. That was it for me. It’s such a hard thing to try and understand in ways.
I think the hardest bit is knowing they think they haven’t done anything wrong?! Crazy

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/01/2022 23:11

Just wouldn’t tolerate such infantile behaviour.
He stops this nonsense, now, or that’s it, over.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/01/2022 23:14

@Seashell2022

Just tbh feel really anxious and scared at his reaction if I end it

He’ll be furious

That's your warning sign. Right there.

Another one, even more than the silent treatment (intolerable enough on its own) is that he says you're imagining it. That kind of response is calculated to make you question your own take on the reality of events. Ie. well could it be me, after all? Or 'am I going mad?'

The term is 'gaslighting' and it's a particularly insidious and scary form of mental abuse. And they escalate. Men who do this are ones to be avoided.

UserBot314159 · 16/01/2022 23:20

[quote 2022newyrnewme]@UserBot314159 well yes, exactly that! I know why he said what he said and so does he, but because he can’t admit why instead he gaslit me saying something even worse and out of order. That was it for me. It’s such a hard thing to try and understand in ways.
I think the hardest bit is knowing they think they haven’t done anything wrong?! Crazy[/quote]
yeh, I really struggle with this with my parents, and they back each other up in their righteous. It's their absolute faith that they have done NOTHING wrong that bugs me. Maybe if they were prepared to listen to me for five minutes I could make them see! But obviously this is why communication, real communication is something they must avoid at all costs.

2022newyrnewme · 16/01/2022 23:59

@UserBot314159 sorry to hear about your parents, that must be harder than a relationship knowing they’re more unavoidable. It’s very hard and frustrating to be a part of..I’m only glad I’ve walked away. Memories will fade..it’s the starting again that’s also hard

I0NA · 17/01/2022 00:26

yeh, I really struggle with this with my parents, and they back each other up in their righteous. It's their absolute faith that they have done NOTHING wrong that bugs me. Maybe if they were prepared to listen to me for five minutes I could make them see! But obviously this is why communication, real communication is something they must avoid at all costs

If they listened to you for 5 hours or 5 days they still would not see. You might as well be speaking a foreign language. Which you are in a way.

It would involve them seeing you as a real person with real views , feelings and opinions that are different from their own and just as valid. And that’s impossible for them, it would involve them changing their whole world view.

I know you want to believe that if you could just find the right words and they would listen , it would all be ok. I’m sorry but that’s never going to happen. There are no magic words to make an abuser stop abusing us.

You only have two choices - stay and accept it will always be like this or leave.

winnieanddaisy · 17/01/2022 10:49

The fact that the silent treatment was abuse was unheard of in the 1970s.
My husband use to do it to me for the first 12 years of our marriage. Eventually I had had enough and decided to do it back to him . Got up for work and made myself a cup of coffee without offering him one . Didn't speak to him at all and by the time he dropped me off at work an hour later he couldn't stand it . He apologised to me and never did the silent treatment again in our 35 years of marriage.

Arnia · 17/01/2022 12:12

A partner of 4 years who goes to extent of blocking you on WhatsApp (😱) over a non-arguement is really, REALLY not a partner worth having. Be very glad you don't live together OP and end this madness.

UserBot999 · 17/01/2022 12:44

@I0NA

yeh, I really struggle with this with my parents, and they back each other up in their righteous. It's their absolute faith that they have done NOTHING wrong that bugs me. Maybe if they were prepared to listen to me for five minutes I could make them see! But obviously this is why communication, real communication is something they must avoid at all costs

If they listened to you for 5 hours or 5 days they still would not see. You might as well be speaking a foreign language. Which you are in a way.

It would involve them seeing you as a real person with real views , feelings and opinions that are different from their own and just as valid. And that’s impossible for them, it would involve them changing their whole world view.

I know you want to believe that if you could just find the right words and they would listen , it would all be ok. I’m sorry but that’s never going to happen. There are no magic words to make an abuser stop abusing us.

You only have two choices - stay and accept it will always be like this or leave.

Thanks @I0NA I know it's different when its yr parents as its not a 1:1 relationship but that process where you have hope to begin with and then finally finally realise it's hopeless and then have to work on accepting that! It's similar.

Its so tough.

Strength to everybody being ignored or stonewalled right now

LifePartyRing · 21/01/2022 21:48

@Seashell2022
How's things OP?

Shunter350 · 21/01/2022 21:52

I suffered silent treatment, sometimes for months, over 20 odd years.
It debilitated me.
Get out now. Seriously.

southern82 · 21/01/2022 22:02

My ex husband would ignore me for weeks on end. He would block me on everything and go and stay in his work accommodation. It really messed with my head and I would beg and plead for him to come home.
After 8 years I had enough and left. My advice is, he won't change, run away as fast as you can.

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