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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The silent treatment is so damaging

144 replies

Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 15:06

My bf is currently giving me the silent treatment after a row I didn’t even realise was a row . A conversation that he took offence to.

He says he isn’t giving me the silent treatment but he is . It’s really messing with my mh. Any tips please ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 17:24

Would I legally owe him the money for the costs of it ?

Also things he’s bought in the past - would I have to pay for them ? He’s a much higher income than me ..

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/01/2022 17:24

He can't force you to pay for a trip that he invited you on. He can cancel, go on is own, take someone else.

Snorkmaidenn · 15/01/2022 17:25

Moody bugger!
It's a way of control. I had this from a man who didn't talk to me for 6 weeks because I disagreed with him about Margaret Thatcher. Grin
Best 6 weeks of my life.

RandomMess · 15/01/2022 17:26

He gave you gifts like you did him.

Just block and if he ever gets in touch take it from there. Ask for a trial separation if you aren't ready to end it.

HollowTalk · 15/01/2022 17:32

The fact is that if he was a normal nice guy then you would be going on the trip with him. The reason you're not going is because he's behaving so badly. I don't think you owe him anything. He has plenty of money. Let him sort that out.

Besides he'd have to contact you to make you pay!

Colourmeclear · 15/01/2022 17:36

He can't claim for gifts in the relationship unless he can show that you entered into a loan agreement with specific terms regarding the length of time you would repay. If he asks for the holiday money agree to pay back what you can afford. It's a small price to pay in the long run.

3mealsaday · 15/01/2022 17:46

@TracyMosby

But what do I say? He just says I am falking nonsense when I try and say it’s not acceptable Why argue?

This isnt working for me anymore. I wish you well for the future.

Spot on. This is a relationship not a prison sentence.
Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 17:52

Just tbh feel really anxious and scared at his reaction if I end it

He’ll be furious

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/01/2022 17:56

My are you so scared of him?

You don't live together, you don't have DC together, you owe him nothing.

Will get violent or just even more verbally abusive than he already is?

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 18:03

@RandomMess

My are you so scared of him?

You don't live together, you don't have DC together, you owe him nothing.

Will get violent or just even more verbally abusive than he already is?

Don’t know. Probably because m I am a bit of a people pleaser? Hate conflict etc
OP posts:
TellMeItsPossible · 15/01/2022 18:07

He may well puff up, bluster, cause a fuss, but the alternative is staying with him, soothing his delicate ego, dancing to his tune. That's the reality, and that's your choice: stay with someone who treats you badly, or not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2022 18:08

Many people pleasers begin this pattern of behaviour by trying to be parent pleasers; is this the case with you also?. This is likely also why you hate conflict (and he knows this too).

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 18:11

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Many people pleasers begin this pattern of behaviour by trying to be parent pleasers; is this the case with you also?. This is likely also why you hate conflict (and he knows this too).
Yes 100% !!
OP posts:
Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 18:11

@TellMeItsPossible

He may well puff up, bluster, cause a fuss, but the alternative is staying with him, soothing his delicate ego, dancing to his tune. That's the reality, and that's your choice: stay with someone who treats you badly, or not.
Yes it is the choice , that’s clear to me now
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2022 18:12

Let him huff and puff. He will only do that as well because he knows he is losing control of you; he cares not a jot for you.

He will soon find some other sap of a woman (that is really what he thinks of you) to sink his claws into. Such men really do hate women, ALL of them.

Please consider getting therapy re your people pleasing behaviours; its really problematic to live like that and you end up trying and failing to please everyone but your own self. Who taught you as well to put others first and that your own needs and wants are but of secondary importance?.

Pinkbonbon · 15/01/2022 18:14

Just make sure you change your locks if he has a key. Ideally before dumping him.

You don't owe anyone for gifts over the course of a relationship. It is a common abusers taxtic to buy things for you in order to make you feel obligated. And so rhey can say 'after all have done for you' when you question their bad behaviour.

As for the holiday, speak to the company and see what their cancellation terms are. Then text him and make it clear (in writing) that you are not going and he should cancel things now.

WhatDidISayAlan · 15/01/2022 18:15

Leave. My dad did it - the worst time was for 19 months. Imagine growing up in a house like that?! It fucked me up for years because this was the only way I knew how to behave after a row. Now I never go to bed on a grudge - it’s all got to be sorted before then.

eagerlywaitingfor · 15/01/2022 18:16

@Seashell2022

Just tbh feel really anxious and scared at his reaction if I end it

He’ll be furious

Well he's not exactly being nice to you anyway, is he.

Dump him. Send him one message saying you've thought things over and the relationship isn't working for you so you've decided to end it, all the best. And then block him on every available avenue.

You owe him nothing. If he bought you things in the past, they were gifts. You won't have to pay him back. If he insists on you paying for half the holiday, tell him that if he hadn't been such a bastard you'd still be together, so it's his fault you're not going.

Dump, dump, dump.

Pinchofnom · 15/01/2022 18:17

I dated someone who really struggled to communicate (on many levels) and when he didn’t like something I did or said he’d give me the silent treatment.

As much as I really liked him it was enough for me to walk away. I suggested he get therapy as I felt it was abusive behaviour.

Pinkbonbon · 15/01/2022 18:18

Ps: don't admit any liability for paying in writing.
Just make sure you say you've spoken with the company and know the terms and that you are telling him you wont be going now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2022 18:20

Read "The disease to please" by Dr Harriet B Braiker and "Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself by Aziz Gazipura.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 15/01/2022 18:24

Just dump the abusive gaslighting bastard.
Set yourself free 🍾🥳🎉

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 18:24

Would I legally owe him the money for the costs of it ?

Maybe depending of the situation but if he took you to court you absolutely wouldn’t have to pay it back all in one go if you couldn’t afford to.

How much do you owe him for it?
If possible I would try and pay him back ASAP else he’ll use that as an excuse to keep in touch with you.

Fraternaltwin · 15/01/2022 18:26

@Seashell2022

What’s literally sending me nuts is that he says he isn’t ignoring me he said I’m imagining it . Think he has blocked me on WhatsApp !
He’s being abusive, manipulative and now he’s gaslighting you.
Pinkbonbon · 15/01/2022 18:32

Definately don't let the holiday stuff stop you. Worst case scenario, small claims court would let you pay anything back in instalments. But liklihood is if he cancelled now, he would not owe the full amount so just as long as you can show you asked him to do that...

Also, you could argue that if he was not abusive, you would not have broke up with him so you owe him nothing as it's his fault you left. Might not stop him trying to use it to stay in touch though.

Speak with the holiday company first and find out about their cancelation terms.

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