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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The silent treatment is so damaging

144 replies

Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 15:06

My bf is currently giving me the silent treatment after a row I didn’t even realise was a row . A conversation that he took offence to.

He says he isn’t giving me the silent treatment but he is . It’s really messing with my mh. Any tips please ?

OP posts:
PurpleMauve · 15/01/2022 15:45

‘But what do I say? He just says I am falking nonsense when I try and say it’s not acceptable’

Honey, you say nothing.
Time for you to block and ignore.
Time for you to move on.
Yes, definitely go out with some friends tonight!
Also - please don’t rush into another relationship before you have processed the negatives in this one. You need to break the cycle first, fix yourself (read/therapy/self-love/confidence/know your worth) before dating again.
Have a great night out 💐

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 15:49

@thatbigbear

Next time he does this, or even this time, just walk quietly away…this is abusive and him saying you’re imagining it is gaslighting which is also abusive…you are not imagining it, he is nasty and you deserve better (and I’m just leaving an abuser so I know hard it is to accept that’s what’s going on, it took MN to point it out to me )
Aw big hug to you xxx
OP posts:
Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 15:49

@PurpleMauve

‘But what do I say? He just says I am falking nonsense when I try and say it’s not acceptable’

Honey, you say nothing.
Time for you to block and ignore.
Time for you to move on.
Yes, definitely go out with some friends tonight!
Also - please don’t rush into another relationship before you have processed the negatives in this one. You need to break the cycle first, fix yourself (read/therapy/self-love/confidence/know your worth) before dating again.
Have a great night out 💐

Aw thanks xx
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2022 15:52

He targeted you and deliberately so. My guess is that he met you when you were in a bad place yourself.

Do not waste another 4 minutes, let alone 4 more years on your abuser. Your relationship with him is over because of the abuses he meets out to you. He likes the fact that you are not always stable nor always in a good place, it makes you in his eyes easier to abuse and otherwise mistreat.

TellMeItsPossible · 15/01/2022 15:53

Sounds like he gets in a huff whenever you need support, is that right? ("Rocking the boat")

You deserve better than this.

Chloemol · 15/01/2022 15:54

He is not going to change

So the options are

1 you continue as you are, he gives you the silent treatment, you chase after him asking what’s wrong, you end up apologising even if it’s not your fault, ie he’s an abuser

  1. You accept this will happen after an argument, and leave him to it, no contact or anything he can make the first move
3 you tell him he either stops this behaviour or you will be leaving
HollowTalk · 15/01/2022 15:54

I would play him at his own game now and not make any contact whatsoever. If he has some of your things, I'd turn up at his house and ask for them. If you haven't left anything at his but you have some of his things, I'd put them in a box in a shed if you have one.

Then I'd block him.

PurpleMauve · 15/01/2022 15:56

‘Urgh, my DH does this for days at a time, it's horrible. Now I just ignore and carry on as normal for DC, he'll give up eventually.’

And what do you think that this is eventually going to do to your children? Now and for the relationships that they will become part of as adults in potential family units.

You are trying to carry on as normal in a situation that is not normal and should not ever become the norm.
You are enabling this negative behaviour, which is in turn obviously having a negative impact on your innocent children. If not for yourself, please try to find the strength to break the cycle for your kids.

This is not good advice.

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 15:58

@TellMeItsPossible

Sounds like he gets in a huff whenever you need support, is that right? ("Rocking the boat")

You deserve better than this.

Yes exactly this, thinking about it !
OP posts:
PurpleMauve · 15/01/2022 15:59

outofthefog.website/
xx

RandomMess · 15/01/2022 15:59

I too was going to say he is never going to support you. This relationship is all about him - you'd supporting him, things being the way he wants with no compromise.

Whose house are you in at the moment? If it's yours tell him to pack his stuff and leave. If it's his father your stuff together and leave.

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 16:00

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He targeted you and deliberately so. My guess is that he met you when you were in a bad place yourself.

Do not waste another 4 minutes, let alone 4 more years on your abuser. Your relationship with him is over because of the abuses he meets out to you. He likes the fact that you are not always stable nor always in a good place, it makes you in his eyes easier to abuse and otherwise mistreat.

Yeah I was when we met really
OP posts:
MizzFizz · 15/01/2022 16:02

Silent treatment is abusive.

Gaslighting you by telling you he's not giving you the silent treatment is abusive.

Refer to pps for great advice.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2022 16:08

@Seashell2022

I know , I’ll never live with him

It’s such a shame because we are usually really happily (when I am stable and in a good place , but when my life becomes complex it hugely rocks the boat)

Then he's no good for you.

If he can't be there for the bad as well as the good, what's the point of him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2022 16:12

Thought you were sadly. These types have radar for vulnerable and otherwise hurt women and hone in on them.

Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse or poor relationship models shown to you, have been got at further by this individual who saw in you an opportunity to further abuse.

Block this individual on all channels and love your own self for a change. He certainly does not love you. Rebuild your life without him in it and as part of your recovery from abuse, look at the Freedom Programme online. It would also be worth contacting Women’s aid.

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 16:13

@RandomMess

I too was going to say he is never going to support you. This relationship is all about him - you'd supporting him, things being the way he wants with no compromise.

Whose house are you in at the moment? If it's yours tell him to pack his stuff and leave. If it's his father your stuff together and leave.

Yes so so true !

Fortunately mine and alone

OP posts:
MysticPeg1 · 15/01/2022 16:23

My ex used to do this for weeks at a time. It was an actual living nightmare.
The only way it got better was when I left him and never went back.

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 16:28

@MysticPeg1

My ex used to do this for weeks at a time. It was an actual living nightmare. The only way it got better was when I left him and never went back.
It’s terrible isn’t it? Was just reading it actually inflicts physical pain !

I would just never do it to someone - I think someone must have quite a dark heart to do it

OP posts:
FOJN · 15/01/2022 16:46

I would just never do it to someone - I think someone must have quite a dark heart to do it

Not quite a dark heart, a very dark heart. They actually enjoy the hurt they cause and they know exactly what they are doing. DO NOT delude yourself that a reasonable (or unreasonable for that matter) conversation will help them see the harm they are doing to you, they know, thats their intention. Speaking about how hurtful it is is like a reward for them; mission accomplished.

My ex husbands record for 5 weeks of completely ignoring me whilst living in the same house.

End the relationship, have no further contact and don't be fooled by any promises of change.

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 16:52

I hate the silent treatment - I would rather argue than have silent tension.

However he’s obviously talking to you because he said he’s not giving you the silent treatment.

He obviously just wants a bit of space because you’ve upset him which I think is fine.
As a female I hate being expected to act like everything is fine so I don’t offend a man who’s done something to upset me.

Newestname002 · 15/01/2022 16:56

@Seashell2022

Thank goodness you are in your own home and alone. Has he ever had keys/access to your house keys? If so change the locks.

Does he have any of your passwords, or likely to be able to guess them? Change all passwords, including banking, email, social media, laptop, mobile phone, Sky/Netflix etc, router.

No need to tell him you are doing this. After all, he's not talking to you... 🌹

Pinkbonbon · 15/01/2022 17:00

Definately get off the merry go round of trying to explain why his obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful. He KNOWS.

If you ever find yourself thinking this wishing you could just 'find the right words to make him understand' then you are in an abusive relationship.

Normal people have empathy amd compassion, they don't repeatedly do hurtful things or seek to prolong hurtful situations. They appologise, they take responsibility for their actions and they are kind, they compromise, they consider your needs and they help lift you up when you are trying to shine.

This guy...is a wanker.
And theres no changing it. Because you cannot reason empathy, respect or human decency into anyone who doesn't have it. Run.

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 17:08

@Pinkbonbon

Definately get off the merry go round of trying to explain why his obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful. He KNOWS.

If you ever find yourself thinking this wishing you could just 'find the right words to make him understand' then you are in an abusive relationship.

Normal people have empathy amd compassion, they don't repeatedly do hurtful things or seek to prolong hurtful situations. They appologise, they take responsibility for their actions and they are kind, they compromise, they consider your needs and they help lift you up when you are trying to shine.

This guy...is a wanker.
And theres no changing it. Because you cannot reason empathy, respect or human decency into anyone who doesn't have it. Run.

We are meant to be going away at the start of March

I’m scared I’ll have to pay him back if I don’t go and I can’t afford to right now . I could save up but would take a while . What do I do.

OP posts:
TellMeItsPossible · 15/01/2022 17:19

Cross that bridge when you come to it. He's blocked you, so at the moment he's clearly not worried about it!

Please, don't go, either. Be long done with him by then.

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 17:23

We are meant to be going away at the start of March

I’m scared I’ll have to pay him back if I don’t go and I can’t afford to right now . I could save up but would take a while . What do I do.

As it’s not until March will they give him a refund?
Maybe you could look it up before saying anything.