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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The silent treatment is so damaging

144 replies

Seashell2022 · 15/01/2022 15:06

My bf is currently giving me the silent treatment after a row I didn’t even realise was a row . A conversation that he took offence to.

He says he isn’t giving me the silent treatment but he is . It’s really messing with my mh. Any tips please ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Seashell2022 · 16/01/2022 09:37

@UserBot314159

It is so invalidating and dehumanising. My mother does it to me. I hate it. She is so defensive. It'd be a deal breaker for me.

💐

Yes it is so dehumanising

Yesterday I lost control and eventually left a crying message on his answerphone when he wouldn’t pick up. No doubt he will use that to say my. Behaviour is unaccceptable not his .

OP posts:
Original poster
Seashell2022 · 16/01/2022 09:42

[quote 2022newyrnewme]@Seashell2022
Mines doing the same after 5yrs. It’s very damaging and upsetting, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone[/quote]
Awful - he’s always done it to an extent and it is always if I raise anything as an issue in the relationship (one subject in particular !)

OP posts:
shedreamer · 16/01/2022 10:19

I agree with the above posts, you have been together 4 years and enough time to clock his style of dealing with conflict/arguments etc. He will be ignoring you in probably subtle ways (or not), and then denying he is doing it, makes you start questioning your own sanity. This is 100% stone-walling and gas-lighting behaviour and also very punishing. I had this for years and it got worse, with being ignored for days/weeks at a time until "he" was ready to talk. By whish point i was an emotional mess and so scared of losing him, i was just relieved he stopped ignoring me. It's emotionally controlling and you have called him out on that. He knows you notice it, but won't be honest about it and talk with you like an adult would. It makes sense that we sometimes need some time to think if we feel hurt with our partner, but saying that and explaining we feel hurt and want to calm down or have some space is quite different than silent treatment and then denying it!!
take your own time now and consider whether you can cope with this for a lifetime of if you would prefer to be with someone with more emotional intelligence,
I know how hard it is

LessTime · 16/01/2022 10:31

How do you see this relationship play out in the long term if you decide to stay with him?

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 16/01/2022 11:25

Thanks both

@LessTime I don’t know . I feel like I don’t want to go on really with it

OP posts:
LessTime · 16/01/2022 11:31

If it was me I would not want to stay with him. Breaking up might be a difficult thing to do but why would you stay with someone who treats you so badly.

UserBot314159 · 16/01/2022 11:37

Oh no doubt he will shift all the focus on to your emotional reaction to his silent treatment. The only emotional reaction is none

This is goading you, baiting you in to behaviour he can berate you for and judge you for.

Convenient. He abuses you and gets to stand in judgement of you.

I agree with a poster upthread who said "this isnt working for me, goodbye" is the best break up text.

You wont suddenly GET THROUGH to him.

Ive only been realising lately how ive allowed my parents to goad me in to anger.

All these years, there's been one perspective; theirs. They give me the silent treatment and stonewall me, but summons me in to "relationship" if you know what i mean. Im directed to play the part of daughter but they are 100% committed to not seeing me, hearing me or acknowledging my perspective. I have only understood recently that actually ive been goaded and baited in to the anger they judged me for showing. I was angry because i was hurt, frustrated, powerless, because of their stonewalling!!!

stmw123 · 16/01/2022 11:42

So what's your plan?

Original poster
Seashell2022 · 16/01/2022 11:42

@UserBot314159

Oh no doubt he will shift all the focus on to your emotional reaction to his silent treatment. The only emotional reaction is none

This is goading you, baiting you in to behaviour he can berate you for and judge you for.

Convenient. He abuses you and gets to stand in judgement of you.

I agree with a poster upthread who said "this isnt working for me, goodbye" is the best break up text.

You wont suddenly GET THROUGH to him.

Ive only been realising lately how ive allowed my parents to goad me in to anger.

All these years, there's been one perspective; theirs. They give me the silent treatment and stonewall me, but summons me in to "relationship" if you know what i mean. Im directed to play the part of daughter but they are 100% committed to not seeing me, hearing me or acknowledging my perspective. I have only understood recently that actually ive been goaded and baited in to the anger they judged me for showing. I was angry because i was hurt, frustrated, powerless, because of their stonewalling!!!

Yes exactly !!!! God feel so angry w myself and weak
OP posts:
Original poster
Seashell2022 · 16/01/2022 11:44

@stmw123

So what's your plan?
Don’t know other than I know he doesn’t love me He was so angry about this issue I raised that he has been totally absent and ignoring me when I have been dealing with an emergency situation for a much loved pet. I can’t ever forgive him for not being there
OP posts:
Original poster
Seashell2022 · 16/01/2022 11:47

@UserBot314159

Oh no doubt he will shift all the focus on to your emotional reaction to his silent treatment. The only emotional reaction is none

This is goading you, baiting you in to behaviour he can berate you for and judge you for.

Convenient. He abuses you and gets to stand in judgement of you.

I agree with a poster upthread who said "this isnt working for me, goodbye" is the best break up text.

You wont suddenly GET THROUGH to him.

Ive only been realising lately how ive allowed my parents to goad me in to anger.

All these years, there's been one perspective; theirs. They give me the silent treatment and stonewall me, but summons me in to "relationship" if you know what i mean. Im directed to play the part of daughter but they are 100% committed to not seeing me, hearing me or acknowledging my perspective. I have only understood recently that actually ive been goaded and baited in to the anger they judged me for showing. I was angry because i was hurt, frustrated, powerless, because of their stonewalling!!!

So sorry about your treatment from your parents x
OP posts:
AnInspectorBores · 16/01/2022 13:31

I have only understood recently that actually I've been goaded and baited in to the anger they judged me for showing. I was angry because I was hurt, frustrated, powerless, because of their stonewalling!!!

This is exactly what happened to me. 'D'H had me convinced that I had an anger management problem. I even thought about going on an anger management course.

Turns out that I didn't have an anger problem; I had a sulky, stonewalling DH problem! I can't tell you how wonderful it was to stand up to him during the divorce (which he made as difficult as possible) because I didn't care any more how he reacted. Since getting divorced I very rarely lose my temper, because he's not there to provoke me. It's absolutely marvellous.

UserBot314159 · 16/01/2022 13:42

@AnInspectorBores 🍷 glad you stepped out of the dynamic. Enjoy the freedom.

@seashell2022 if it's hard to step away from him despite everything remember that in your moment of pain and loss, he gave you the silent treatment 😪

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 13:46

@Seashell2022

Just tbh feel really anxious and scared at his reaction if I end it

He’ll be furious

Why? Hurt pride? Not because he's losing you.

If you're scared then the relationship is abusive

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 16/01/2022 14:00

My ex used to give me the silent treatment. He did it for 6 weeks once... Luckily it was my house, so I kicked him out.

You have the advantage of not living with this sorry excuse of a man. Just get rid. He sounds awful. You'll do much better without him in your life.

And ignore the advice about paying him back for the holiday booked for March. You owe him nothing. If he wasn't such an abusive arse you'd be going. He is. So you're not.

Personally I'd just ignore him. Wouldn't even bother telling him he was dumped. I'd just get in with my life without him in it. And when he gets in touch. Which he will. Just say you'd assumed it was over and wish him all the best.

EarthSight · 16/01/2022 14:05

What he is showing you is that every time you say something that displeases him, it is followed by a punishment. It's a cruel control tactic designed to make you submissive.

If this is how he handles every situation, then he's one of those people who quite enjoy watching their partner suffer from the lack of contact, affection, and the denials that anything is wrong - all that matters is that the sulker gets the grovelling that they want.

Trust your instinct and don't tolerate this lack of respect.

UserBot314159 · 16/01/2022 14:10

Thank goodness you dont live with him.
You can just decide it's over. If you have decided it's over, it's over. Change locks or get a ffriend to stay for a few days, or a friend who lives nearby to be on standby.
Be prepared to ring the police if you are scared.

Eventually, when he decides the silent treatment is over, he will reach out to you.

When he does you can either ignore him or sendchim the "this isnt working" text.

He be imagining that you"ve been brought back to heel. I dont think he's expecting you to have seen right through this form of abuse.

TirisfalPumpkin · 16/01/2022 14:56

OP, please don't be angry with yourself or think you're being weak. You're not.

The whole point of the silent treatment is to mess with your head and make you doubt your reasonableness and your own perception of reality. It's meant to invalidate you and make you feel literally less seen than the surroundings. That's why it's a recognised form of emotional abuse. Your feelings are entirely normal and proportionate responses to being emotionally abused. Flowers for you.

MizzFizz · 16/01/2022 15:05

Agree with PPs - he's not speaking with you, so you can just decide for yourself it's over, change your locks (for security and as a symbol of the end of the relationship), block him and start your healing journey. He has abused you long enough.

CheesyWeez · 16/01/2022 18:36

Prepare what you're going to say, Seashell.
Mute his messages and fix a day, say Wednesday? Or Sunday next week? Then look. If he has messaged you then send him " I only just saw your messages. Our relationship is not working for me any more. It's over. I wish you all the best." and don't reply to whatever he says.

He has checked out already after all. You don't need to engage any more and if you do he will just use the contact to make you feel bad. Again.

Now you can spend your time pleasantly and calmly doing what you wish - instead of worrying how he is - he is not spending any time being nice to you.

UserBot314159 · 16/01/2022 20:35

Yes dont feel guilt. He checked out first.

freeatlast2021 · 16/01/2022 21:08

Oh dear, I say RUN! My ex used silent treatment to "manage" me. Once, it lasted three months. Mind you we would exchange the most basic things, like hi and bye but other then that, nothing. With him there was simply no communicating, no compromise and he would never give in. If he wanted something he would push me until I agree, but if I wanted something he did not he would never agree. I would usually give up and if I would fight back he would give me silent treatment. After some time he would start talking to me and it would be like nothing happened. We would never go back to discuss it. Heck, most times I would not even know what it was about. It was awful and it was driving me crazy, this lack of proper communication. Finally, after being together twenty five years I decided to call it quits, I could not take it anymore.

I only wish I did it years ago, when I was still young and full of life energy, song and laughter. I am literally just a shadow of my former self now. This relationship changed me so much, changed me into a completely different person.

changeyourname11111 · 16/01/2022 21:21

@freeatlast2021

Oh dear, I say RUN! My ex used silent treatment to "manage" me. Once, it lasted three months. Mind you we would exchange the most basic things, like hi and bye but other then that, nothing. With him there was simply no communicating, no compromise and he would never give in. If he wanted something he would push me until I agree, but if I wanted something he did not he would never agree. I would usually give up and if I would fight back he would give me silent treatment. After some time he would start talking to me and it would be like nothing happened. We would never go back to discuss it. Heck, most times I would not even know what it was about. It was awful and it was driving me crazy, this lack of proper communication. Finally, after being together twenty five years I decided to call it quits, I could not take it anymore.

I only wish I did it years ago, when I was still young and full of life energy, song and laughter. I am literally just a shadow of my former self now. This relationship changed me so much, changed me into a completely different person.

I have a very similar experience @freeatlast2021. I am also divorced and free now and I also left it too long to leave.
Imissmoominmama · 16/01/2022 21:29

My DH does this…

freeatlast2021 · 16/01/2022 21:32

@changeyourname11111 good for you!