The silent treatment is so damaging

[Seashell2022]

My bf is currently giving me the silent treatment after a row I didn’t even realise was a row . A conversation that he took offence to.

He says he isn’t giving me the silent treatment but he is . It’s really messing with my mh. Any tips please ?

Thanks so much all ‘

Well you give him the same treatment back.

You stop communicating with him, block his number/email/social media and you get on with your life.

He sounds like an abusive, immature and manipulative man.

@Seashell2022

Just tbh feel really anxious and scared at his reaction if I end it

He’ll be furious

Block him on everything. Change your locks if he has a key. If he scares you, call the police. Good luck, please don't let him treat you like this.

My ex use to do this all the time. We are no longer together and I am no longer sitting here waiting for it to happen. It's abuse. It's nasty. It's controlling and most of all - totally cruel and unfair.

@RandomMess

He can't force you to pay for a trip that he invited you on. He can cancel, go on is own, take someone else.

OP,

Take the great advice above.

He is an abusive man that will NEVER be a decent partner.

You owe him nothing financially.

Block him and do not entertain anything he tries to say.

Move on.

I would have to play his game with this and not react or ignore back until he was the first to approach me. When he eventually did and pretended like he wasnt ignoring me. I would dump his ass.

Good advice thank you all v much !

It is so invalidating and dehumanising. My mother does it to me. I hate it. She is so defensive. It'd be a deal breaker for me.

💐

@TracyMosby

But what do I say? He just says I am falking nonsense when I try and say it’s not acceptable Why argue?

This isnt working for me anymore. I wish you well for the future.

Perfect. And dont feel guilty.

He is the one who has shut down communication.

I left a man like this after have married him and having two kids with him.
I felt all the things you mentioned from ex and similar feelings to you .

It's awful and I really think you need to have experienced it to get how frightening it is.

I'm sorry you are in this position. Make the move, ditch him, stuff his reactions. You can block him and move on.

You stay you risk ending up stuck for years.

My husband does this to me. It’s disgusting. It’s destroyed my life and my self esteem. During lockdown he spent an entire month ignoring me. I want to leave him but don’t have the courage anymore. I hate him because of it and can’t sleep with him anymore. Get out. Get out while you can

Block him and dump him!

Its psychological abuse.

It's emotional abuse.
He knows it upsets you so he does it to upset you further.
Not a loving relationship to me.

@trickytimes

My husband does this to me. It’s disgusting. It’s destroyed my life and my self esteem. During lockdown he spent an entire month ignoring me. I want to leave him but don’t have the courage anymore. I hate him because of it and can’t sleep with him anymore. Get out. Get out while you can

An entire month? Wow. The level of narcissism it must take to keep up the silent treatment for a MONTH

If you cantvleave right now id go for occasional bus stop talk. "Colder than it was yesterday", relegate him. Talk to him. But talk small talk to him. Never ever listen to his feelings again. Never tell him how you feel. No supporting, no cheerleading, no asking for or giving advice. No in jokes. Just relentless civility. The first one to show a feeling is the loser.

Clue. It'll be him.

@Seashell2022
Mines doing the same after 5yrs. It’s very damaging and upsetting, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

‘My husband does this to me. It’s disgusting. It’s destroyed my life and my self esteem. During lockdown he spent an entire month ignoring me. I want to leave him but don’t have the courage anymore. I hate him because of it and can’t sleep with him anymore. Get out. Get out while you can’

You can still leave. Please contact the following organisations for help and support to leave:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Refuge (24hr Helpline)
0808 2000 247

nationalda-helpline.org.uk

Good luck 💐

OP - there should not be any expectation to return gifts exchanged during a relationship, except maybe an engagement ring.
You wouldn’t give family, friends or colleagues Birthday or Christmas gifts and then expect them to give them back if you fall out.

Regardless of who brought up the idea of going on this trip, it sounds like he booked it and paid for it so he can sort it out. You’d be going on the trip if he wasn’t such an arse.

Do NOT contact the company unless the booking is in your name and/or you used your card to pay for it.

If this was someone who had not treated you badly, you could pay them back in instalments. But this isn’t the case, so let him deal with it. That’ll teach him. Karma.

I hope you went out last night?

My husband does this to me too. It's horrible. We have 3 children and I worry about how it affects them so much. But I can't change the fact that he is their dad and they would still have to spend time with him. I stay so that I don't have to send them to stay with him on their own 💔

@NZmama88 but by staying you are showing your children this is what relationships are like. Would you want the same for them? You won't be there as his target for abuse if you separate. Whats the likelihood of him wanting to have the children half the time? More likely every other weekend which is fine. Don't make the mistake of staying 'for the children' they won't thank you for it.

OP don't get hung up on thinking about owing him for the holiday. He's blocked you, so you do the same. As pp's have said send a text to say it is not working for you anymore, then block on every channel. Yes you will have feelings of guilt. Focus on you and working on your people pleasing tendencies. You've been given some great advice on here. Wishing you all the best x

@NZmama88

I'd be thinking about this really carefully. The pp gives great advice.

The kids won't thank you for staying and it probably feels like an easier solution for you to stay right now. Be courageous, set the bar high to show your kids how it should be.

Even if he's talking to you this morning, don't slip back in to your 'normal'.

As the daughter of a woman who has used the silent treatment and stonewalling to keep me in line I can tell you that you can never find that perfectly phrased statement that will make them see the error of their ways. I doubt he's going to have an epiphany.

What you need to believe now is how the silent treatment suits him perfectly. There are subjects and places where he won't go. Even if the relationship is set up to suit him and you want to discuss something, understand his rationale, tell him your point of view, compromise.............. Normal stuff; he doesn't want that.

He cannot risk a conversation that would leave him having to verbally justify his offence or his sensitivity or his selfishness or an ongoing injustice.

The very last thing a regular practitioner of the silent treatment wants is a ''reasonable'' conversation. They cannot afford that.

He knows that he has no reasonable position. His objections and his sensitivities are all UNreasonable.

By taking offence and giving you the silent treatment though he maintains control in the relationship.

And by denying that he's giving you the silent treatment he is also gaslighting you to believe that the problem is you.

So, as hard as it is after 4 years with him, stop trying to get through to him. Stop trying to be heard. Stop trying to make him understand your position. You can't. Not with words anyway. So stop trying.

Not understanding you and not hearing you is what he is 100% committed to.

You have two choices, accept it and knuckle under his regime.
or walk away after one of silent treatments telling him ''this isnt working for me''.

For years after I left my x I wanted him to understand that I had no choice but to leave. It took me years to understand that that is part of the trauma bond. That is what keeps you there, that need for them to understand you and your point of view. They don't want to. They want to get angry that you don't see EVERYTHING through their unreasonable selfish lens. And no discussion ever.

I know you can listen to these clips nodding and still find it hard to do what 's right for YOU.

I have wasted years trying to get my parents to hear me. But I think I am finally accepting (omg, it's so hard, because I still want to be heard) that they are united in their determination to never hear me.
I have no voice in the family, I cannot communicate with them, there is one perspective; theirs ............but I'm summonsed to play the part of daughter.

These partners who give the silent treatment, they want you to play the part of girlfriend./wife

@UserBot314159

I know you can listen to these clips nodding and still find it hard to do what 's right for YOU.

I have wasted years trying to get my parents to hear me. But I think I am finally accepting (omg, it's so hard, because I still want to be heard) that they are united in their determination to never hear me.
I have no voice in the family, I cannot communicate with them, there is one perspective; theirs ............but I'm summonsed to play the part of daughter.

These partners who give the silent treatment, they want you to play the part of girlfriend./wife

Oh wow just watched the dr Ramani. One ! Totally resonates ! Yes I said something that is delicate subject between us and he has reacted shronglg to in the past . I didn’t realise he was even upset by it as I thought we had respectful conversation about it. But It became clear as the day went on that he aaa upset with me and very uncommunicative (on a day where I had a big stress event Involving my family pet being rushed to the vet). Anyway then the next morning he was not talking to me and has changed all his WhatsApp settings seems like (

@UserBot314159

Even if he's talking to you this morning, don't slip back in to your 'normal'.

As the daughter of a woman who has used the silent treatment and stonewalling to keep me in line I can tell you that you can never find that perfectly phrased statement that will make them see the error of their ways. I doubt he's going to have an epiphany.

What you need to believe now is how the silent treatment suits him perfectly. There are subjects and places where he won't go. Even if the relationship is set up to suit him and you want to discuss something, understand his rationale, tell him your point of view, compromise.............. Normal stuff; he doesn't want that.

He cannot risk a conversation that would leave him having to verbally justify his offence or his sensitivity or his selfishness or an ongoing injustice.

The very last thing a regular practitioner of the silent treatment wants is a ''reasonable'' conversation. They cannot afford that.

He knows that he has no reasonable position. His objections and his sensitivities are all UNreasonable.

By taking offence and giving you the silent treatment though he maintains control in the relationship.

And by denying that he's giving you the silent treatment he is also gaslighting you to believe that the problem is you.

So, as hard as it is after 4 years with him, stop trying to get through to him. Stop trying to be heard. Stop trying to make him understand your position. You can't. Not with words anyway. So stop trying.

Not understanding you and not hearing you is what he is 100% committed to.

You have two choices, accept it and knuckle under his regime.
or walk away after one of silent treatments telling him ''this isnt working for me''.

For years after I left my x I wanted him to understand that I had no choice but to leave. It took me years to understand that that is part of the trauma bond. That is what keeps you there, that need for them to understand you and your point of view. They don't want to. They want to get angry that you don't see EVERYTHING through their unreasonable selfish lens. And no discussion ever.

Ah thank you for posting. It’s definitely one particular subject that causes such a reaction, ( awful