Legal ceremony in registry office day before main event

[Girl189]

I'm hoping for some help regarding my secret wedding.

My fiancé and I are getting married in the summer with the legal but being done in the registry office the day before our surprise wedding the following evening.

Nobody will know we will have already gotten married the day before. The only reason we are is our ceremony will be after hours on the Friday so the registrars are unable to attend.

I want the legal but to be short, sweet, signed sealed and done as we will see the Friday evening as our "wedding".

I need help in planning what to wear, and what to expect or request for the legal bit as only my parents and our son will be witnessing it.

Following it, we're going to our wedding venue for a posh afternoon tea together. I don't want to wear a white dress or have him wear a suit but I'm not entirely sure what would be appropriate as I know there will be others who have chosen the registry office as their main ceremony venue so don't want to underdress at all either.

They said I can walk down the aisle, provide some music, etc. but I don't want any of that. But if we don't, how will the ceremony actually pan out? I can just envisage an awkward 20 mins or so. Has anybody else done this?

Thanks for any advice xx

I have a story in place which makes total sense to us to get everyone invited the the venue and to wear something smart. I'm really not worried about anyone wearing jeans or trainers. All I'm concerned about is them turning up, having a good time and keeping some photos of smiling faces, laughing and dancing. Their food and drink will be paid for along with transport home at the end of the night. I also have a plan to pretend there is a morning-after thing so they don't have work or other commitments to make room for a hangover/lay-in. I have back up plans for if they decide to not come or are unable to too. I'm not expecting everything to run smoothly either. But my last resort, if guests are unable to attend, is to tell them the surprise and do what I can to help them get there.

We got married in jeans & t-shirts, just us, with our adult kids as witnesses, the superintendent registrar and a trainee. It took longer to do the paperwork filling in the legal stuff at the beginning before the kids were invited in than the legal, wordy ceremony bit.

The registrars were fantastic & said it as brilliant without the dressing up & fanfare of a usual wedding; one of my favourite photos is they registrar bent double laughing after the ceremony! I mean, it was just a 4 person thing in the register office room, I’ve done longer more formal certifications for my business lol!

Do whatever you want to do. We just went home & ate cheese in the garden (with family dropping in throughout the afternoon & evening), bit of cake, my son even whizzed off after a sandwich to get to his finals Film premiere presentation.

It was perfect for us. Never be swayed by the input of others to shape your day to what they want. Did some people bitch about the way we did it? Yes. Did we give a fig? No (and to be fair it was only one friend who went full on bitch out & I dumped her arse because it frankly was none of her business). It can be as formal or freestyle as you want it to be. Legal paperwork ceremony one day, surprise blessing party the next? Sounds fantastic.

Thanks to the majority of you for giving great advice and winding me up so much! 🤣 I'm so excited now for our day(s)!!

A relaxed but smart outfit with a no-frills service at the registry office followed by a quiet afternoon tea at the venue with my parents and our son will be a lovely way to spend the day before the madness and I can't wait!!

[quote elelel]@housemaus

What? I know loads of people who've done this!

If you know about it then they haven't don't what OP is planning, as OP is being secretive. [/quote]
I only knew because I was the maid of honour. Most people didn't.

I don't understand why you'd be annoyed - is the reason you go to a wedding cos legally binding contracts really get you off? Most people go to see their loved ones celebrate their marriage, see old friends/family, eat, drink, and dance.

So whether or not they did the legal bit that precise day wouldn't make a difference.

I've got an uncle who got 'married' to his now-husband before gay marriage was legal - they did a whole wedding, minus the legal part. Presents, cake, first dance, ceremony with readings, everything. Nobody was remotely upset about there not being a binding contract signed there and then (and everyone came to their second wedding once gay marriage was legal!).

Have fun and a wonderful wedding, but please don't lie to your guests.

It's really not on for guests to turn up to a wedding only to be told "ha ha ha we got married on Thursday".

It's really not on for guests to turn up to a wedding.....

But they aren't turning up for a wedding.

They are turning up to something that the OP has arranged - none of them realise that it is a wedding.

That's the point.
That's the surprise.

It doesn't matter one jot if the legal stuff was actually done the day before - although judging by some of the responses on here, a lot of posters would flounce out immediately.

@Cuck00soup

Have fun and a wonderful wedding, but please don't lie to your guests.

It's really not on for guests to turn up to a wedding only to be told "ha ha ha we got married on Thursday".

Nobody is doing that, it’s a surprise, they’re not expecting a wedding.

If you’re going to get uppity at least get the basic info straight first

@Viviennemary

It sounds a totally strange plan. I wouldn't be happy to attend the wedding of folk who were already married. I honestly can't see the point. What a waste of time and money. No wonder marriage has lost its meaning these days if this is what it has come to. Cant believe people think its ok to deceive their guests in this way.

Absolutely this. It's the secrecy and deceit of loved ones I don't understand. Why not just be open and tell friends and family on the day that you've actually legally married the day before due to practical reasons? From what you've said there doesn't seem to be anything like binding religious marriage vows in your ceremony @Girl189 so essentially all that the guests would be attending is a party celebrating the marriage that was actually contracted the day before.

They'll find out anyway because they'll know the ceremony they attend isn't legally binding without a registrar, so unless you and your boyfriend decide to come clean about about actually marrying the day before, I'm sure they'll enjoy the day but won't actually realise you've both actually married...

I bet some of these whiners are the sort of people who bore on and on about how 'honest' and 'straight-talking' they are, not knowing that everyone else considers them rude, self-righteous bullies and (hopefully) laughs at them behind their backs.

Also, whiners, you are missing the point by a mile: OP is surprising her friends by holding a wedding rather than a party and she, like most people (who haven't lived desperately conventional and unimaginative lives) will mention if asked that they registered the marriage previously but this is their wedding. ONe of the many reasons people used to have ceremonies seperate to the legal registering of the marriage is because not all register offices are nice (in the sense that some are dingy, run-down, very small etc) and they want their actual wedding to be a big party in a lovely venue. It's true that you can now have a registrar on hand in various nicer locations, but there are still quite a few restrictions on where a marriage can legally be registered.

@Viviennemary

Are your guests going to be told they are attending a fake wedding. Its a bonkers idea. Sorry.

A blessing isn't a fake wedding.

And these days you have a wide choice of how and where you marry.

What does it matter to the guests?

Secrecy and Deceit?

OFGS

I bet they'll be thrilled at the surprise and all have a lovely time.

But you all carry on trying to take the shine off the OP's day.

We're all complete strangers and it's no skin off our noses.

Just answer the question she's asked.

@Girl189

Thanks to the majority of you for giving great advice and winding me up so much! 🤣 I'm so excited now for our day(s)!!

A relaxed but smart outfit with a no-frills service at the registry office followed by a quiet afternoon tea at the venue with my parents and our son will be a lovely way to spend the day before the madness and I can't wait!!

Have a lovely couple of days and ignore the moaning Minnies on here!

You've totally got this the way you want it.

Enjoy, ignore the doom and gloomers.

I've went to four weddings the year before the pandemic kicked off, not one of them did the legal bit on the same day as the party. Three more people I know are getting married this year and they're all doing exactly the same as well.

Some people on here will have an issue with literally anything.

It's a surprise because we don't want to put pressure on the people attending to worry about cost/losing weight

Um what?

Totally different to any weddings I've been to.

Hope you have a lovely day anyway.