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Original poster

Legal ceremony in registry office day before main event

141 replies

Girl189 · 09/01/2022 22:56

I'm hoping for some help regarding my secret wedding.

My fiancé and I are getting married in the summer with the legal but being done in the registry office the day before our surprise wedding the following evening.

Nobody will know we will have already gotten married the day before. The only reason we are is our ceremony will be after hours on the Friday so the registrars are unable to attend.

I want the legal but to be short, sweet, signed sealed and done as we will see the Friday evening as our "wedding".

I need help in planning what to wear, and what to expect or request for the legal bit as only my parents and our son will be witnessing it.

Following it, we're going to our wedding venue for a posh afternoon tea together. I don't want to wear a white dress or have him wear a suit but I'm not entirely sure what would be appropriate as I know there will be others who have chosen the registry office as their main ceremony venue so don't want to underdress at all either.

They said I can walk down the aisle, provide some music, etc. but I don't want any of that. But if we don't, how will the ceremony actually pan out? I can just envisage an awkward 20 mins or so. Has anybody else done this?

Thanks for any advice xx

OP posts:
housemaus · 10/01/2022 13:00

@Viviennemary

Are your guests going to be told they are attending a fake wedding. Its a bonkers idea. Sorry.
What? I know loads of people who've done this!
housemaus · 10/01/2022 13:06

My closest friend and her husband did this - their 'proper', with-family-and-friends wedding day was in an outdoor venue so not licenced to have people get married. They did nice smart-casual dress/suit for the registry, but didn't bother with any frills at all in the ceremony, or aisle/giving away etc.

Then did a more traditional seeming ceremony with rings and readings and the like the day after in their outdoor venue. Nobody was remotely bothered that it wasn't the legal ceremony!

elelel · 10/01/2022 13:10

@housemaus

My closest friend and her husband did this - their 'proper', with-family-and-friends wedding day was in an outdoor venue so not licenced to have people get married. They did nice smart-casual dress/suit for the registry, but didn't bother with any frills at all in the ceremony, or aisle/giving away etc.

Then did a more traditional seeming ceremony with rings and readings and the like the day after in their outdoor venue. Nobody was remotely bothered that it wasn't the legal ceremony!

But you knew about it. I think that's the difference. Lying to your guests is a shit thing to do.

elelel · 10/01/2022 13:11

@housemaus

What? I know loads of people who've done this!

If you know about it then they haven't don't what OP is planning, as OP is being secretive.

elelel · 10/01/2022 13:12

@skellingtonboot

It sounds lovely OP.

Not sure which rock all the sourpuss miseries on this thread have crawled out from. I don't expect they get invited to many events with their attitude so you can safely ignore them.

Have a fabulous day.

I would rather not be invited than be lied to. If that makes me a sourpuss misery from under a rock (rather nasty, don't you think?) then so be it.

Frazzled2207 · 10/01/2022 13:16

We nearly did this but in the end Changed our plans and had our civil ceremony earlier the same day and didn’t have a separate outfit.
I have to say the “what to wear” dilemma was part of the reason for the change in plan.

I don’t think it’s a good idea for guests to not know you’ll already be married though.

Anyway you really can wear what you want for the register office, is just a formality. In your shoes I’d just pick a nice non white dress. Bear in mind you will need witnesses.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 10/01/2022 13:27

I've found this the logical way of doing things since we attended a wedding like it in Italy 13 years ago. Marriage is a legal contract. A wedding is a celebration of love and family.

LIZS · 10/01/2022 13:27

Surely if guests are invited to a blessing and reception there is still the pressure of weight, dresses, cost etc. You are not doing anyone a favour by organising it this way. You don't have to have music, guests, aisle, dress up for a registry office. Just turn up and go through the formalities then leave. What time of day on the Friday is it, can you not go to Registry office earlier in the day?

RosieGuacamosie · 10/01/2022 13:28

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having the legal bit done the day before however I wouldn’t be particularly happy to be invited to a “surprise” wedding. Seems a bit self indulgent to be honest without much thought for your guests.

Can’t you just tell everyone you’re getting married but they’re welcome to dress casually? As PP mentioned, people might not take the commitment as seriously if they think it’s just a party.

elelel · 10/01/2022 13:37

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

I've found this the logical way of doing things since we attended a wedding like it in Italy 13 years ago. Marriage is a legal contract. A wedding is a celebration of love and family.

But you knew it was the case, so it wasn't like OP is planning. That's the bit I cannot get my head around. The secrecy.

coogee · 10/01/2022 14:05

Surely if guests are invited to a blessing and reception there is still the pressure of weight, dresses, cost etc

Weight?

LIZS · 10/01/2022 14:09

@coogee op said earlier It's a surprise because we don't want to put pressure on the people attending to worry about cost/losing weight (not that I think they should but that's what everyone I know says when there's a wedding coming up).

Wobblykitchen · 10/01/2022 14:11

My now husband and I did this! We got married abroad and the cost of a legal wedding would have been £££ so we decided to do a ‘legal’ thing here. I wore my gym clothes and husband wore his work clothes, my mum her friend were witnesses. The registrar was unimpressed because we couldn’t remember the date of it, we had no music, bare minimum legal words needed. We don’t see that day as our wedding anniversary. We just have a certificate with that date on for anything legal. Straight afterwards husband went back to work and I went to the gym.

So basically you can go as casual or as dressed up as you like, but it helped us to remove any significance of that date to be very casual.

purplesequins · 10/01/2022 14:16

not odd at all imo

it's the done thing in countries where only the registry office can legally marry.

religious or humanist or informal ceremony is then some time later as part of the party.

Wreath21 · 10/01/2022 14:24

FFS the blinkered ignorance of some people! Most European countries have two-part wedding ceremonies (a trip to the town hall or equivalent to register the marriage, then a religious ceremony). In the UK only Christian weddings are 'legal': Hindus, Sikhs etc have to have a seperate registering service. For pretty much everyone, the exchange of vows/rings, music and plenty of guests is the actual wedding. Registering a marriage can be (if that's what the participants want) about as glamorous as getting a dog license or paying your countil tax. It's a legal formality.

elelel · 10/01/2022 14:25

-8FFS the blinkered ignorance of some people! Most European countries have two-part wedding ceremonies

Not blinkered ignorance at all. I don't think a 2 part wedding is wrong, it's the lying about it. The secrecy. That's what I object to.

CrotchetyQuaver · 10/01/2022 14:28

I did this many years ago now. Just wore a nice but plain navy dress for the registry office ceremony. The mums wore nice but not full wedding finery outfits and the men were in suits. Then we went out for lunch, just the 6 of us. Full fancy wedding blessing the next day. Don't overthink it, brides and grooms wear all sorts and not everyone dresses up.

WhistPie · 10/01/2022 14:51

@elelel

-8FFS the blinkered ignorance of some people! Most European countries have two-part wedding ceremonies

Not blinkered ignorance at all. I don't think a 2 part wedding is wrong, it's the lying about it. The secrecy. That's what I object to.

So getting married on a Friday; having your annual BBQ on the next day is wrong is it? Or is it only wrong if you told your guests that you got married , this is a celebration bbq? Or does it.only become.e wrong when you bring out the celebratory cake? Sheesh
Cuppaand2biscuits · 10/01/2022 14:57

I think it's a wonderful idea, we eloped and had a secret wedding inviting only immediate family.
We didn't tell anyone until afterwards. All our friends were very happy for us although many joked we had cheated them out of a party.
Your idea is the best of both worlds.
At the registry off we just dressed smart casual, I wore a long summer dress.

elelel · 10/01/2022 15:00

So getting married on a Friday; having your annual BBQ on the next day is wrong is it? Or is it only wrong if you told your guests that you got married , this is a celebration bbq? Or does it.only become.e wrong when you bring out the celebratory cake? Sheesh

I'm not so good with whataboutery, but I can go with what OP is doing which is literally pretending to her gusts that she is getting married. That's a lie.

Clarissa76 · 10/01/2022 15:44

This is really common- a small registry marriage ceremony followed by a (non-legal) ceremony and celebration. Not sure why people are questioning it. If you're worried about misleading people, just describe it as a celebration of your marriage rather than as the marriage itself, but really I don't think it matters very much.

Original poster
Girl189 · 10/01/2022 15:47

@elelel
I'm sorry you feel so strongly about my wedding. But you need not get your knickers in a twist. I have previously said, I know my guests, they are close family and friends. I have my reasons for not actively telling them that the "real wedding" was yesterday. But thank you for your input that you keep repeating.

OP posts:
elelel · 10/01/2022 15:53

[quote Girl189]@elelel
I'm sorry you feel so strongly about my wedding. But you need not get your knickers in a twist. I have previously said, I know my guests, they are close family and friends. I have my reasons for not actively telling them that the "real wedding" was yesterday. But thank you for your input that you keep repeating. [/quote]

I suppose i keep repeating because people keep saying the same thing and my opinion is still the same. You are right though, my knickers don't need to be twisted over this.

I hope you have a great time and wish you all the best.

Wreath21 · 10/01/2022 15:56

Thing is, a wedding is whatever you want it to be. A legal marriage is a separate thing. So OP is no more 'lying' to her guests than anyone else who throws a surprise party. The registering of the marriage is, to plenty of people, a legal formality quite separate from the wedding ceremony.

Frymetothemoon · 10/01/2022 16:04

@Noseylittlemoo

I did something v similar. I grew up in Christian home and was very familiar with church weddings even though I don't practise anymore. My DH is completely unreligious and we would have both felt hypocritical with some of the content. But the legal non religious ceremony always seemed to me to be very brief for something I would consider to be such a significant event. We got married in a register office 2 weeks before with a few ppl (closest family and 1 family who could not attend the 'Big Day') I didn't decide what to wear until the day - a simple sun dress and flip flops as it was a really hot day! My husband wore a suit without tie. Two weeks later a good friend of my family led the ceremony and included some spiritual and humanist elements and personal anecdotes which would not be allowed in a legal wedding but that were special to us. For us that was the important day - I wore the dress , husband had a more flamboyant suit and 50 ppl attended. That's the day we recognise and celebrate as our wedding anniversary
This is pretty much exactly what we did (we celebrate both anniversaries though, as the dates were almost 2 months apart).

Posters commenting on it being odd have clearly had a very sheltered life (and only been to CofE weddings).