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Original poster

Legal ceremony in registry office day before main event

141 replies

Girl189 · 09/01/2022 22:56

I'm hoping for some help regarding my secret wedding.

My fiancé and I are getting married in the summer with the legal but being done in the registry office the day before our surprise wedding the following evening.

Nobody will know we will have already gotten married the day before. The only reason we are is our ceremony will be after hours on the Friday so the registrars are unable to attend.

I want the legal but to be short, sweet, signed sealed and done as we will see the Friday evening as our "wedding".

I need help in planning what to wear, and what to expect or request for the legal bit as only my parents and our son will be witnessing it.

Following it, we're going to our wedding venue for a posh afternoon tea together. I don't want to wear a white dress or have him wear a suit but I'm not entirely sure what would be appropriate as I know there will be others who have chosen the registry office as their main ceremony venue so don't want to underdress at all either.

They said I can walk down the aisle, provide some music, etc. but I don't want any of that. But if we don't, how will the ceremony actually pan out? I can just envisage an awkward 20 mins or so. Has anybody else done this?

Thanks for any advice xx

OP posts:
2022HowDoYouDo · 10/01/2022 08:25

This is pretty common in England where you can't marry outdoors, unless under a fixed structure of a minimum size. My DD wanted to marry in a beautiful outdoor setting, so they had the outdoor ceremony with 100 guests (conducted by the registrar) then she, her chap, his parents and we went inside the venue to do the legal stuff with the registrar, which took 10 mins. I didn't see this as a big deal. Can't understand the outrage by some on here.

Frenchfurze · 10/01/2022 08:26

I think the only issue or potential issue here is if the guests for the ‘surprise’ wedding day are only being invited to a party and hence may regard attendance as a far less significant thing — OP, will you be upset if guests don’t show up on the day just because they feel tired or get a more appealing invitation, not realising it’s your wedding day? Or show up very late or very casually dressed, again not realising it’s a big deal?

Gingerbreadrules · 10/01/2022 08:33

@SarahAndQuack

This is very normal - everyone in England who gets married but not in certain church venues, will do the same. I am really surprised people aren't familiar with it? Confused It's really normal. It's not a 'fake wedding' at all. The issue is just that, in England, you can only have a legal and religious ceremony at the same time if you belong to certain religious groups. For everyone else, you have to choose between the legal wedding and the ceremony.
She hasn't said the big wedding is a religious thing. If she needed registrars who weren't available at that time) then I would assume not. You don't have a registrar at a religious wedding.

We had a non religious wedding in a wedding venue not a registry office, where you could have whatever music, readings etc you liked plus the legal bit. I would have thought that is much more common than a legal bit separately plus a ceremony with no legal bit. I've never heard of anyone doing that. There are tons of licensed wedding venues offering complete wedding services including the legal bit and no religion!

ItsDinah · 10/01/2022 08:44

ssash..... Methodist churches in England & Wales have been performing legal marriages since 1845 ! It's up to individual places of worship to decide whether they want to carry out marriages on their premises. If they do, they get an official licence. Not all religions/places of worship want to either for doctrinal or practical reasons... e.g. not all religions believe their place of worship should be used for anything but worship.

AlbertBridge · 10/01/2022 08:56

There are a lot of nay-sayers on this thread! Do whatever you want. I think it sounds awesome.

You can wear whatever you like to the register office, so I'd wear whatever I'd usually wear on a date to have afternoon tea in a fancy hotel. Like, a pretty dress. I think you'll want to feel "special".

Have fun, good luck, and congratulations!

daisyjgrey · 10/01/2022 09:09

@Viviennemary

It sounds a totally strange plan. I wouldn't be happy to attend the wedding of folk who were already married. I honestly can't see the point. What a waste of time and money. No wonder marriage has lost its meaning these days if this is what it has come to. Cant believe people think its ok to deceive their guests in this way.

I suggest you don't go then.

Fucking hell how is everyone so baffled by something that is really incredibly common? Pull yourselves together.

SeasonFinale · 10/01/2022 09:11

@Girl189

Without spilling all the details for fear of being found out, we will have been together 10 years on the day we're having the blessing in front of our guests. It's a surprise because we don't want to put pressure on the people attending to worry about cost/losing weight (not that I think they should but that's what everyone I know says when there's a wedding coming up). We also have another family wedding this year which is abroad and has been postponed twice. Theirs is a true fairytale and we don't want to take any of their limelight. We hate being centre stage so we don't want stag/hen dos etc. we've been together for so long and have a son and been engaged a long time.

We want our blessing to be the main event as we've taken the time to choose the person we want to perform the ceremony and have fantastic ideas of how the night with go. It's a special to us place and we just want a buzzing atmosphere with our crazy family who will absolutely love the surprise. I've got a whole story to get them there and the venue are playing their part too. If worst come to worst we will tell a select few as they live far away or have jobs that will likely prevent them from coming unless they have a special reason. But I think it'll go ahead mostly as planned.

Thanks all for the clothes advice. Smart clothes will suit us and then just get the paperwork done with as little "ceremony" as possible so we can just concentrate on the following day.

The afternoon tea was suggested by the venue and we'll see that as the calm before the crazy day ahead of us and will enjoy some special down time before the nerves and worry kicks in!

It sounds fab. Ignore the killjoys and small minded on here.

Have a great 2 days. All the best for your future lives together.

sashh · 10/01/2022 09:16

You don't have a registrar at a religious wedding. I've been to ones where there has been a registrar. In fact I'm not sure it's a wedding without, although some ministers are also registrars.

@ItsDinah Ow interesting, I think synagogues could as well.

Back tot he OP

Get yourself something nice to wear, but something you can wear again and something that is not work wear, and enjoy your days.

Mumdiva99 · 10/01/2022 09:18

@Girl189 sounds like a wonderful couple of days. Have a fab time. Wear whatever you like. Make sure there ate loads of photos taken as memories.

GoGoGretaDoll · 10/01/2022 09:19

We had this OP. Key is to tell your registrar when you arrive that this is what you are doing - they'll then alter the ceremony to suit. For example, we didn't exchange rings or have music. The actual formal wording is really short, we were in and out in 10 minutes! (I wore combat trousers and a little top so that tells you how long ago it was!). As you're going for afternoon tea straight after, I'd wear whatever you'd normally wear to that. The registrars don't have any dress code or rules.

GoGoGretaDoll · 10/01/2022 09:23

This is not a new thing by the way for those wondering about marriage 'in this day and age!' We didn't want a religious wedding or a registry office wedding for various reasons and at that point, humanists couldn't legally marry you - or it might have had something to do with venue licences, I honestly can't remember, it was two decades ago! We nipped to the registry to do the paperwork then our humanist performed the ceremony in front of our family and friends the next day. No-one felt cheated except my very religious uncle who would have felt cheated by the registry office too.

FWIW we consider the humanist celebration day to be our wedding anniversary too.

Chocoqueen · 10/01/2022 09:27

@Viviennemary

Are your guests going to be told they are attending a fake wedding. Its a bonkers idea. Sorry.
It's not a fake wedding nor a bonkers idea. Nasty post.
Justlovedogs · 10/01/2022 09:29

I don't understand all the fake and confused posts. All sounds rather lovely to me.
OP - wear what you want to the legal bit, it'll be simple and sorted quickly, then enjoy your afternoon tea. I hope your surprise plans all come off as you hope. It sounds like great plan Smile. Oh, and congratulations on your marriage. Cheers Wine.

HaveringWavering · 10/01/2022 09:41

@SarahAndQuack

This is very normal - everyone in England who gets married but not in certain church venues, will do the same. I am really surprised people aren't familiar with it? Confused It's really normal. It's not a 'fake wedding' at all. The issue is just that, in England, you can only have a legal and religious ceremony at the same time if you belong to certain religious groups. For everyone else, you have to choose between the legal wedding and the ceremony.
No, that’s not right. Most people have the registrar there to marry them at the civil venue as part of one single ceremony.
EmeraldEagle · 10/01/2022 10:04

DH and I had a pagan handfasting which is not legally binding in England so we had to do the registry office bit to make it legal. We explained that we wanted the minimum, literally just did what was needed, just signed the paperwork and left.
We did do it he same day as our handfasting so wearing our wedding outfits and felt quite overdressed while waiting in the waiting room 😁

elelel · 10/01/2022 10:12

Fucking hell how is everyone so baffled by something that is really incredibly common? Pull yourselves together.

I think for me its because OP said they are having a wedding but no one will know they got married the day before. If it's so common to do this, why keep it a secret?

onedayoranother · 10/01/2022 10:49

I know a few who have done this, and I think in some countries (like Belgium) you have to have a legal registry service before as the church one doesn't count.
So my friends have worn elegant day dresses, like the type you'd wear to Ladies Day at the races or to posh afternoon tea. The men wore suits.
The wording is already dictated - you could perhaps add a poem or something, your registrar will guide you.

Alondra · 10/01/2022 10:52

@elelel

Fucking hell how is everyone so baffled by something that is really incredibly common? Pull yourselves together.

I think for me its because OP said they are having a wedding but no one will know they got married the day before. If it's so common to do this, why keep it a secret?

Because she doesn't want anyone to think about a wedding cost. She's already said this.
elelel · 10/01/2022 11:02

Because she doesn't want anyone to think about a wedding cost. She's already said this.

It doesn't matter why.

Abraxan · 10/01/2022 11:06

@elelel

Nobody will know we will have already gotten married the day before.

Won't they wonder why they have come to a wedding with no wedding? Or have you hired some actor's to conduct a fake service?

Many blessing ceremonies use the same wording as the wedding service does.

We had a church blessing a fortnight after our legal wedding abroad, ours wasn't a secret from others, but to anyone attending they'd have seen no difference between the blessing service and a wedding service. We still signed the church registers, and still said the same vows.

It's also really quite common in some faiths too. I know of others who had had two separate events, albeit as far as I know I haven't attended one secretly. It's unlikely I'd be able to tell anyway, in my experience.

KnobJockey · 10/01/2022 11:14

I imagine that some of the posters who are really put out about the idea have probably been to a few of these 'fake' weddings over the years and haven't got a clue, which is quite funny! Lots of hotel/ barn/ outdoor weddings, places that have just pened, some weddings abroad. Two friends have had to do it, and we wouldn't have had a clue if I hadn't been in regula contract before the date so knew they had to plan it that way.

And een then, saying you'd be really annoyed if you were invited to a fake wedding- they're not 😂 the op has invited them to a party, and while they're there, she's getting married!

@Girl189 I would go for sequins! I wouldnt choose a sparkly, party dress for my 'wedding' dress, but I absolutely would want to get dressed insomething that made me happy for the ceremony. You can't be under or over dresses, so where something that will make you and your husband to be smile!

Herecomesthesun70 · 10/01/2022 11:54

It all sounds lovely.
Got married in a reg office and wore a nice dress which wasn't a wedding dress but more like a wedding guest outfit.
I'd still walk in as you would just to give yourself a nice entrance.

Have a lovely time

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 10/01/2022 11:58

@Girl189

I'm hoping for some help regarding my secret wedding.

My fiancé and I are getting married in the summer with the legal but being done in the registry office the day before our surprise wedding the following evening.

Nobody will know we will have already gotten married the day before. The only reason we are is our ceremony will be after hours on the Friday so the registrars are unable to attend.

I want the legal but to be short, sweet, signed sealed and done as we will see the Friday evening as our "wedding".

I need help in planning what to wear, and what to expect or request for the legal bit as only my parents and our son will be witnessing it.

Following it, we're going to our wedding venue for a posh afternoon tea together. I don't want to wear a white dress or have him wear a suit but I'm not entirely sure what would be appropriate as I know there will be others who have chosen the registry office as their main ceremony venue so don't want to underdress at all either.

They said I can walk down the aisle, provide some music, etc. but I don't want any of that. But if we don't, how will the ceremony actually pan out? I can just envisage an awkward 20 mins or so. Has anybody else done this?

Thanks for any advice xx

I found the ceremony bit very awkward. Everyone staring at you with not much happening and a couple of songs on loop. I love being married but hated getting married.

I wouldn’t worry if it’s just your parents and son though. They’ll just be sitting on the front row and you can all just have a chat.

skellingtonboot · 10/01/2022 12:42

It sounds lovely OP.

Not sure which rock all the sourpuss miseries on this thread have crawled out from. I don't expect they get invited to many events with their attitude so you can safely ignore them.

Have a fabulous day.

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 10/01/2022 12:51

Mrs Grumpy and I got married (30 odd years ago) in a registry office and had only told our parents and our two closest friends. Afterwards the seven of us went out for a meal.
When we got got back home we wrote out the invitations for a formal reception about a month hence. All our friends and family were very happy to attend. It was described accurately as a "reception to celebrate the wedding of..."
The only difference is that we didn't bother with pretend vows at the reception.
Dressed smartly at both registry office and reception.