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Original poster

Would you stay with your partner if they decided to transition?

775 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 08/01/2022 21:06

I'm watching an episode of Queer Eye where this transwoman's partner said they stayed with them after they decided they wanted to transition and it got me thinking

If your partner decided they wanted to transition would you stay with them?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 09/01/2022 11:30

The thing is, it's problematic whether you believe in trans ideology or not.

If you accept that TWAW, then a straight woman is no longer going to be attracted to a partner who has transitioned. Because they are straight and attracted to men.

If you don't accept that TWAW, then there is a fundamental disagreement on something that strikes to the very core of the trans person's identity. It's hard to see how a healthy relationship could be sustained with such a major disagreement.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/01/2022 11:33

No.

It might be a bonus if he started doing the emotional labour, the wife work (which I don't do anyway but still), the caring for his elderly parent which a female sibling does and as part of the transition developed a deep feminist consciousness about the historical and ongoing oppression of women (as opposed to trans people) ... but somehow that never seems to happen and it is usually about the clothes, hair and make-up.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 09/01/2022 11:35

I agree with whatwouldscullydo

Funny that it's only women who are constantly pressurised by society to 'be nice', 'be supportive', 'do the right thing' and reminded that 'they took vows' or 'think of the children' ... while men swan off without judgment over the smallest things.

RocksOnTheHill · 09/01/2022 11:37

Yes. But then I'm bisexual.

OVienna · 09/01/2022 11:41

@Flapjak

I wondee how many men would stay with there wife of 20 years plus who had her breasts and vulva surgicalky altered, grew a beard and deepened their voice to emulate a male. Probably next to zero whereas aome women seem to wear staying with a transitioning male as a badge of how kind and accepting they are

This

RedHot22 · 09/01/2022 11:43

Yes I defined would.

Although I don’t think he would stay with me, we would remain friends

RedHot22 · 09/01/2022 11:43

definitely not defined

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 09/01/2022 11:45

@RocksOnTheHill

Yes. But then I'm bisexual.
I have had relationships with women pre-marriage and would still say “no”. My husband ‘transitioning’ wouldn’t make him female.
VodselForDinner · 09/01/2022 11:46

@RocksOnTheHill

Yes. But then I'm bisexual.
I don’t get this argument (not just from you, @RocksOnTheHill, several others have said it but I’m just quoting you as it’s the most recent).

If you’re a bisexual woman who is with a man who either a) presents as their interpretation of a woman (ie, skirts and heels) and takes hormones to soften their voice, or b) goes through full surgery to have their penis removed and a vulva-like area fashioned in its place, you’re still with a man.

I can’t see the difference being gay, hetro, or bi makes.

BorisBooster · 09/01/2022 11:53

After I'd stopped laughing probably not.

DeckardK · 09/01/2022 11:59

@beautifullymad

There are so many No's on here. It's taken me a bit by surprise.

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender.

I'm not saying I wouldn't struggle with the transition but my answer wouldn't be to leave.

Am I missing something?

Do you think nothing else changes and you are now just married to the same person in a dress? I think you sound quite ignorant of the reality of the situation and suggest you read trans widows accounts.
NoSquirrels · 09/01/2022 12:02

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

You can ‘love the very bones of someone’ and not be married to them. It’s two different things.

My husband would quite literally be a completely different person to the one I fell in love with and have known and loved all these years. He would have denied or lied about a fundamental aspect of his personality for decades. Or be into a sexual fetish.

I’d still love and support the person. They’d always be the other parent of my children, after all. But I would not stay married. I’m quite quite sure of that.

Those are my boundaries - that other people might feel differently doesn’t bother me or surprise me, although I’d struggle to understand it perhaps.

RoseSays · 09/01/2022 12:03

Not a chance would I stay.

RoseSays · 09/01/2022 12:05

@Flapjak

I wondee how many men would stay with there wife of 20 years plus who had her breasts and vulva surgicalky altered, grew a beard and deepened their voice to emulate a male. Probably next to zero whereas aome women seem to wear staying with a transitioning male as a badge of how kind and accepting they are
This is so spot on
YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 09/01/2022 12:08

@wildseas

Yes.

I'd deduct 20% of their wage, stop 75% of the housework, leave them to do pickups and dropoffs, leave all of the mental load to them, make them in charge of shoe shopping and random dress up days, expect them to find all my random lost things, change all school communication to their contact details, patronizingly explain things to them which they know more about than me. . . .oh and expect them to put my wants above their needs

#livinglikeawoman

100%
flashpaper · 09/01/2022 12:12

No for all of the above reasons.
The ones questioning why you wouldn't stay, if your DH said he was gay would he stay with you? No, he wouldn't, because no matter how much he loved you, you would be incompatible. If your DH said he was a woman and you either had to separate or "become a lesbian" you wouldn't stay either.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 09/01/2022 12:12

No. I don't believe in the rigid gender ideology and stereotypes on which this is built and feel very strongly about the damage this is doing, including to our kids. For me it would be like staying with someone who was voting for Nigel Farage - our moral ideas are just too far apart to stay together. Also, if I accepted that he was a woman, I could not fancy him as I fancy men.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 09/01/2022 12:15

I'd stay with him if he wanted to wear a dress and make-up though. That would not bother me at all. But if he saw this as a transition to being a woman - no way.

NewBlueGoo · 09/01/2022 12:16

No. I wonder if it would be different if my partner were female & proposing to transition, but having been left with all the shitwork in our family while my DH pursues his hobbies, I find myself in middle age pretty low on the desire to facilitate his personal growth any further. If he wanted to transition I would wish him all the best, but I would not want to be part of that process.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 09/01/2022 12:20

I can’t see the difference being gay, hetro, or bi makes

I think there is a difference if you are not turned off by female genitalia.

ArabellaScott · 09/01/2022 12:21

@gunnersgold

That girl on queer eye was so lovely . The way she just accepted her partners transition! Although he obviously still had all his parts so I'm not sure if when / if they go it will be different ! I really admired her though !
I haven't seen the show, so I don't know anything about this girl (presumably woman, if she's married).

But please - you are never under any obligation to accept anything about a partner that you don't like or aren't sure about. Yes, kindness is something to be admired. But not at the expense of your own self. Self sacrifice produces martyrdom and does not, in the long run, make anyone happy - least of all yourself.

People pleasing, as a general rule, sounds nice until you realise that it means pleasing everyone else at your expense.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/01/2022 12:34

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

I can’t see the difference being gay, hetro, or bi makes

I think there is a difference if you are not turned off by female genitalia.

Very few transwomen have any genital surgery at all.
VodselForDinner · 09/01/2022 12:35

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

I can’t see the difference being gay, hetro, or bi makes

I think there is a difference if you are not turned off by female genitalia.

But a man can never have female genitalia.

Sure, a skeuomorphic vulva can be created but that’s a far cry from the genitalia of a woman.

I’m a straight woman. I wouldn’t be attracted to a woman with a strap-on.

Enough4me · 09/01/2022 12:35

@DeckardK
"Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender."

The person who is trans isn't the same person, with the same needs and behaviour if they are trans as they have transitioned.

gunnersgold · 09/01/2022 12:39

@ArabellaScott .. .
I wouldn't stay with my husband if he transitioned but my comment wasn't about me . I personally just found her to be a lovely person that's all .
Whatever your beliefs she was happy with her decision. 🤷‍♀️