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Original poster

Would you stay with your partner if they decided to transition?

775 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 08/01/2022 21:06

I'm watching an episode of Queer Eye where this transwoman's partner said they stayed with them after they decided they wanted to transition and it got me thinking

If your partner decided they wanted to transition would you stay with them?

OP posts:
notthemum · 09/01/2022 10:54

NO.

Sonex · 09/01/2022 10:54

The bit you're missing is that most would grow out of love with someone that had been so, so deceptive and who was changing their personality and outlook so radically. Then there's the appearance side of things. Not many middle age MTF transitioners pass very well so you'd have to be able to see past that and still find them sexually attractive as well - which is a big, big ask.

AlexaShutUp · 09/01/2022 10:55

@beautifullymad

There are so many No's on here. It's taken me a bit by surprise.

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender.

I'm not saying I wouldn't struggle with the transition but my answer wouldn't be to leave.

Am I missing something?

Because a marriage is about more than just friendship. Would you really want to stay married to someone if you no longer felt any attraction to them? The physical side of the relationship would be totally over for me if my partner started presenting as a woman. Some people might be happy to stay in a platonic relationship, others wouldn't.

On top of that, there would be other concerns for me. Firstly, I would feel like I didn't know my spouse any more, like we had been living a lie all these years. That would be problematic. Secondly, much as I have tried, I still don't really understand what gender is, or how someone can "feel like a woman", and this lack of understanding would potentially be very damaging to the relationship.

AthenaWhite · 09/01/2022 10:56

No way.

Same if he decided he was a devoted follower of any other misogynistic religion.

Pasithea · 09/01/2022 10:57

Couldn’t afford to.

Jennalong · 09/01/2022 10:57

My best friend's husband had a sex change . It started out by her coming home and finding her clothes in the wardrobe moved or crumpled. Then her birth control tabs started going missing ( he was taking them thinking it would help feminise him )
They were going through a bad patch and the marriage wasn't a happy one ( 2 dds , still at school )
She did leave him for another man , and they divorced . He then started dressing and living as a woman , and left his building job, before having a sex change a few years later .

Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2022 10:59

No
I married a man

Change123today · 09/01/2022 10:59

@beautifullymad

Maybe I say no instantly also because I’ve seen a friend deeply affected by it.
Her husband of 20 years transition. As a wife she bloody amazed me - she stood by him supporting him and to us all they were a couple….we had no idea what went on behind the close door. Eventually he left her for a man - they met online. She was never the same person again felt humiliated and very used by him. For her she struggles to trust in relationships now. During the husband transition behind closed doors was abusive- verbally and a lot more went on. The wife felt pressured to cover it up under the guise of she was supporting & expected to just take it.
No one checked on her - all the well done went to her husband.

ditalini · 09/01/2022 10:59

@beautifullymad

There are so many No's on here. It's taken me a bit by surprise.

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender.

I'm not saying I wouldn't struggle with the transition but my answer wouldn't be to leave.

Am I missing something?

Yes, you're missing the pattern, painfully described by many women, of what later stage transition looks like and what it means for the people around the transitioning person.

That's not to say that it would be the same journey for every couple, but since the days when women were being jollied along by the Beaumont Society to join their husbands on a trip out "en femme" (back when they were transvestites and it was just a hobby to be handwaved away), it's been a constant enough theme of lies, gaslighting and financial ruin that I think it would be naive not to assume that my experience might be similar.

Idontknowlondon · 09/01/2022 10:59

Yes I think I would.

PermanentTemporary · 09/01/2022 10:59

Sexual attraction can be a fragile thing. My dh suddenly took up pipe smoking one day and I could hardly bear to let him touch me (it didn't last long thank fuck). And years later he was very unwell and let his beard grow so that it was down to his nipples and incredibly unkempt. We did still have sex but it was difficult to be attracted to him.

Someone telling you that the person you loved and married no longer exists and in fact they've always been unhappy is a massive deal.

Jennalong · 09/01/2022 11:03

It would be interesting to hear from a male mnetter if they would be happy to continue a relationship if their female partner had an op to gain a penis .

FourTeaFallOut · 09/01/2022 11:06

No. Absolutely not. I don't love dh enough to watch him aping womanhood around the house while I keep the wheels running.

Crowdfundingforcake · 09/01/2022 11:06

A friend whose husband transitioned left him because the 'dressing up' was only the start. She wasn't attracted to the person who increasingly fetishized their sex lives and who found dressing as a woman in public a thrill. She found his idea of womanhood pretty disgusting tbh. And yes, he was a late transitioner.

Kronprinz66 · 09/01/2022 11:09

@beautifullymad

There are so many No's on here. It's taken me a bit by surprise.

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender.

I'm not saying I wouldn't struggle with the transition but my answer wouldn't be to leave.

Am I missing something?

I think you're missing some curiosity about why so many women do leave. Did they not really love their ex partners? Did they not want to support someone they loved and just walked away uncaringly? Are they only superficially interested in genitals? Hmm, seems unlikely. You may be being naive to think this is that simple. Those of you assuming women who leave don't love enough, don't care about supporting a partner, or are just interested in superficial appearance may be doing those women a great disservice.
Outlyingtrout · 09/01/2022 11:10

@SomePosters
Can’t even read all the replies here

No wonder suicide rates are so high in the trans community

You might also give some thought to @hivemindneeded's excellent comment. What would your reaction be to a trans widow threatening suicide if her husband pursued his "transition"? Would you be online advocating for these men to #BeKind and hand-wringing over the plight of their female partners? Or would you be accusing the wives of coercion and abuse?

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/01/2022 11:12

It would be interesting to hear from a male mnetter if they would be happy to continue a relationship if their female partner had an op to gain a penis

That part is usually a last resort. I do wonder how many straight men would stay with their female partner who grew a beard, removed their breasts.

The hormones atrophy the vagina and uterus. There is much pain caused by that. The sex would be non existent . Fine for some couples if that's how they wish to live but fir many it would also be something they couldn't live with.

Men do not appear to be under the same pressure to stay with someone who is In and out of hospitals due to recurring utis as a result of long term catheterisation from phalloplasty complications.

It seems to be just women who are required to stay with men/males who were their clothes or gain loads of weight or have time consuming hobbies and careers meaning they are never home.

Funny that isnt is.

LaChanticleer · 09/01/2022 11:13

Someone telling you that the person you loved and married no longer exists and in fact they've always been unhappy is a massive deal.

Yes. That's grounds for ending a relationship, whatever the other reason ...

It's not just about the man transitioning, it seems to be requiring the woman to change her views as well. Not fair or loving.

gunnersgold · 09/01/2022 11:20

That girl on queer eye was so lovely . The way she just accepted her partners transition! Although he obviously still had all his parts so I'm not sure if when / if they go it will be different ! I really admired her though !

Outlyingtrout · 09/01/2022 11:20

@beautifullymad

There are so many No's on here. It's taken me a bit by surprise.

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender.

I'm not saying I wouldn't struggle with the transition but my answer wouldn't be to leave.

Am I missing something?

I love my husband for his personality. That includes his morals, values and intellect. If he suddenly decided that he believed it possible for a man to change sex and turn into a woman; or that womanhood was a costume that a man could appropriate (having witnessed the brutal impact of bearing his children on my female body, the trauma that I have experienced as a result of male violence on my female body etc); or believed that it was my obligation as his wife to support him in this ideology that is so harmful to me and his daughters; his personality would have to have undergone such a profound change that he would no longer resemble the man I love at all.
Tabbycat80 · 09/01/2022 11:21

@beautifullymad

There are so many No's on here. It's taken me a bit by surprise.

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender.

I'm not saying I wouldn't struggle with the transition but my answer wouldn't be to leave.

Am I missing something?

You're missing that it clearly isn't that simple. Its a bit naive to think that people who do leave just don't love enough or are just shallow.
SouthernFashionista · 09/01/2022 11:22

You mean if my husband thought he could miraculously turn from a man into a woman with a padded bra and lipstick? Not a chance in hell.

Cherrytart23 · 09/01/2022 11:25

I would want them in my life for sure could not imagine life without him but then she wouldn't be him anymore so no I wouldn't stay with them in a marriage.

slightlysnippy · 09/01/2022 11:25

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Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 09/01/2022 11:25

Its hard to know but I imagine the sexual attraction would be difficult.

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